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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD really....wedding

192 replies

QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:03

I found out 2 years ago that my longterm partner had embarked upon an emotional affair, crossing several lines. My BPD was at that point undiagnosed and things were very very hard between us, with counselling we have tried to move forward. Good days and bad days - he did a foolish thing and the sense of betrayal may never go away but I am committed to moving on if we can. We are happy much of the time and I love him still.

The OW was a very close friend of myself, DP and my extended family. Think godparents to each other children, holidays together etc. My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years (true) and in forgiving my DP for his actions, she forgives her too. I am not willing to do that nor do I think that the OW is especially sorry but (even though it hurt) I never reproached my sister, how could I? My decisions are mine and hers are hers. She felt as betrayed as I did I think

Now for the WWYD - my sister wants me to be her bridesmaid and the OW will be at the wedding. I suspect that I will have to be on the Hen Do with her and I know for a fact that the OWs son will be a page boy. My sisters wedding is not about me nor do I want it to be but to sit in the same room as her and my DP might be too much to bear.

Advice please?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 25/09/2017 19:09

Fuck non confrontational.
Put her in her place.
She's not nice she's actually really really awful and you feelings and you matter.

ParanoidBeryl · 25/09/2017 19:18

When is the wedding?

BackInTheRoom · 25/09/2017 19:47

OP, can I just say, you are amazing. So balanced, rational and forgiving. You are a wonderful wife and sister. I hope you get through this wedding ok and you hold your head high. You're so dignified 💐

Florence16 · 25/09/2017 19:52

I don't think I'd go to the wedding myself. Your sister has been really unsupportive I think, if you feel uncomfortable then it comes down to you or OW.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 25/09/2017 20:03

Good luck OP, you sound v balanced and sensible.

Just mind that you're only listening to her expectations. There is no obligation on your part to meet them! So don't commit to anything in this conversation until you've had time to reflect on whether it's right for you; else you might well feel that now you have to follow through having "agreed/promised". And not that you owe us anything but I hope you'll give us a happier peaceful update afterwards!

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 25/09/2017 20:09

I don't have much to add, although I feel for you, and do believe your sister hasn't thought about or isn't aware of your feelings here.

On a slightly different note, please be reassured that you haven't outed yourself. I can think of two families i know where siblings have married siblings!

Piratesandpants · 25/09/2017 20:09

So you still won't speak to your DP whose mess this is? He gets off free? Lucky him.

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 20:15

Not sure what you expect me to say to DP that would have a bearing on the wedding! His fuck up caused a problem sure, but I don't really think what he thinks is top of the pile in fixing it! First my sister, then me and then I will tell him what I expect based on what is best for me!

OP posts:
Piratesandpants · 25/09/2017 20:23

I just meant that he had the responsibility to sort it out - and to sort it out in a way that respects you and your wishes. Why is it your problem? Why should you suffer more distress?

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 20:39

I guess because my wishes are as yet undecided! I can't tell or ask him to do anything cos I have no idea what to do for the best

OP posts:
cowbag1 · 25/09/2017 20:56

I think your DH needs to bear more responsability in this, not only because his fuck up caused it but because it's his brother's wedding. Why do men get off scott free where the organisation of weddings is concerned? Him and his brother need to work out how the OW will be managed on the day, as it doesn't sounds like no one but your dsis likes her!

cowbag1 · 25/09/2017 20:57

Sorry, sounds like no-one but your dsis likes her I mean.

Galaxyfarfaraway · 25/09/2017 21:24

I am not DS or OW. Just don't agree with the narrative that the DS is at fault for forgiving her friend when you have forgiven your DP. Plus it was 2 years ago!!!
Based on your later posts you are still not putting the responsibility and blame where it's due. Are you telling me that your DP does not know OW will be in the wedding party? His brother has not told him? Or he has not thought that it might happen and come to you and said 'hey guess who might be at the wedding? How shall WE handle this?'

timeisnotaline · 25/09/2017 22:08

I also agree dh should be talking to his brother. Why shouldn't he help?

steliosdisappeared · 25/09/2017 22:13

I think as a wedding guest this would really cause an atmosphere! If I was the bride I would prefer the focus of the day to be on the wedding not the potential fight / bad feeling / gossip.

I would also be unimpressed with a friend who maintained a close friendship let alone made the OW a highlight of her wedding day.

God some people are so weird! I think it's another betrayal OP I'm so sorry anyone has to deal with this kind of shit.

Agree with the PPs who are saying to leave this to the rest of your family to sort out. If she still goes ahead - don't miss out on the hen or the wedding. Hold your head up high.

Galaxy - 2 years or not - the OP is understandably still raw about all this and her marriage is not back on track. Where is your empathy?!

Galaxyfarfaraway · 25/09/2017 22:28

OP has had plenty of empathy. Isn't this site about getting different opinions ?I don't wish to be cause hurt but two years on OP should have been able to move on.
The real issue is that she does not wish to be really honest about her feelings. Either with her sister or with anyone else. Most importantly her DP.
She has not dealt with her feelings and that is why she can't move on. Other people have. Plus it's not entirely their fault if they think the OP has if she is not saying ' oi that's really unfair of you to invite her. You know how much she hurt me and I'm still struggling '. If you say everything is fine others will believe it and act accordingly.
Still think your DP is a spineless idiot.

Fishface77 · 25/09/2017 22:49

She may have moved on but surely this is enough to pull her back, Galaxy.

I don't know if she's had a similar reaction in RL to what she's had from you but if she has then no wonder shes finding it difficult to express her feelings.

Good luck op. You are allowed to think of yourself and you are allowed to express your feelings. They are valid because they are YOUR feelings.

Like I said earlier, just because it's her wedding, doesn't mean your sister has the right to ignore your feelings.

strongasmeringue · 26/09/2017 07:32

I suspect the OP has been putting everyone else's feelings first so hasn't had time to process how she really feels. #beenthere

Mix56 · 26/09/2017 07:46

You must warn your Sister, that her wedding is going to have an elephant in the room, both the families know this woman & what has happened. No-one likes her, & the wedding will full of people avoiding her & bad feeling.
Anyone who wanted to enjoy their wedding would not put this scenario together
You are still trying to see if your marriage will survive, you do not need this woman in the middle of both of your husband's & both of the family's private celebration.
Either she is so self centred & has been cosseted by you that she feels she is more important than anything, or, she is on another planet

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/09/2017 12:39

Three people betrayed you OP, and here you are still having to bear the brunt of that.

Flowers
Sunnydaysrock · 26/09/2017 17:35

For the sake of your ongoing relationship with your sister she needs to know how you feel. Covering up your feelings has not helped. You need to open up that can of worms and tell her straight 'dsis it kills me that you're friends with ow'.

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 27/09/2017 09:40

So firstly, I am so grateful for all the input. I can't tell you how much it helps to hear multiple view points on this. I decided I owed my sister honesty and that in biting the bullet now, I avoid worse fall out down the line. I asked her directly for her expectations on the day itself and the run up, in order to prepare myself. She confirmed the OW attendance, the strategy for keeping us apart and said that she was very stressed about keeping everyone happy - so clearly anticipated this being problematical. She would also like us both at the hen do. I have said that the wedding I can do, but the hen is asking too much of me (my mum also won't drink with the OW) and that it was asking for trouble quite frankly, she seems to have accepted that and I think is going to go with 2 hen dos, keeping the family separate. My heart hurts that I am no longer my sisters best friend but I will do my best for her because I love her so much. She is NOT a bad person at all, and i know that she doesn't mean to upset me - she has a very highly developed sense of right and wrong and genuinely sees the OW as just as important as DP and I.

I am very very lucky in that i have a very good relationship with my family, I have a circle of amazing friends and the unwavering support of my Mum and MIL - they will make this bearable for me and still lovely for my sister.

DP has said he will go along with what I want, which is not that helpful actually. He takes the view that he has no right to insist on anything as this is of his making so he has to put up and shut up. He may have a point. I will no doubt spend the whole day and lead up wondering what he is thinking, whether he regrets no being with her but that way, madness lies. So for now, will focus on the positive

OP posts:
strongasmeringue · 27/09/2017 09:44

Remember that you are just as important as everyone else in this scenario, be careful not to sacrifice what is best for you for the sake of anyone or anything else.

guilty100 · 27/09/2017 09:52

She "genuinely sees the OW as just as important as DP and I"

Hmm to this.

You're her SISTER!

Fuckoffee · 27/09/2017 10:26

Stop putting your sister on a pedestal. Why can't she see that this is all shades of wrong? It's like she is rubbing salt into your wounds quite happily.
I think your sister is really screwed up. Her loyalties are incredibly and distastefully misplaced.

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