Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD really....wedding

192 replies

QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:03

I found out 2 years ago that my longterm partner had embarked upon an emotional affair, crossing several lines. My BPD was at that point undiagnosed and things were very very hard between us, with counselling we have tried to move forward. Good days and bad days - he did a foolish thing and the sense of betrayal may never go away but I am committed to moving on if we can. We are happy much of the time and I love him still.

The OW was a very close friend of myself, DP and my extended family. Think godparents to each other children, holidays together etc. My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years (true) and in forgiving my DP for his actions, she forgives her too. I am not willing to do that nor do I think that the OW is especially sorry but (even though it hurt) I never reproached my sister, how could I? My decisions are mine and hers are hers. She felt as betrayed as I did I think

Now for the WWYD - my sister wants me to be her bridesmaid and the OW will be at the wedding. I suspect that I will have to be on the Hen Do with her and I know for a fact that the OWs son will be a page boy. My sisters wedding is not about me nor do I want it to be but to sit in the same room as her and my DP might be too much to bear.

Advice please?

OP posts:
ZaphodBeeblerox · 25/09/2017 16:05

Just saw your last update. You also need to bring this up with your DP. Your DP's brother too is happy to have his brother's ex-affair-partner at the wedding?

Surely both your and DP's families will be none-too-thrilled to see her there.

The mind honestly boggles.

Mix56 · 25/09/2017 16:06

I agree with ZaphodBeeblerox
I would not be MOH, how can you organise a shindig & invite that woman? I would say I would love to come to the wedding, but will not be involved with this woman, speak to her or otherwise sit in a confined space with her
I might also say, you will see how much a friend she should she start an affair with your husband

Hissy · 25/09/2017 16:06

Your sister has made a choice.

You respect that choice, but you don't have to agree with it or do things you don't want to do because she has chosen to carry on a friendship with a woman involved in an affair with your DP. That woman is no friend to you, no friend to your family and certainly no friend to your relationship.

By making the choice she has, your sister has shown she's not much different.

CraftyYankee · 25/09/2017 16:06

Wow, little bit of drip feed there - so it's not just your sister's half of the wedding that knows DP had an EA with OW, but the groom's half as well? Therefore, the entire wedding? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

How are you supposed to handle that situation? It sounds like a bloody nightmare.

I sympathise that you don't want to force your sister to choose, but has she thought for a second how it will feel for you?

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 16:07

Nope, I do not expect the extended family to be at all thrilled, my MIL is fierce and loaths the OW. It makes me wonder if my Dsis has told anyone that she is coming, it only came out to me this weekend (and only because I asked who was in the wedding party and godson was mentioned)

OP posts:
OldPony · 25/09/2017 16:08

Definitely be the bridesmaid and reinstate your status as sister. But the hen do can fuck right off. Just don't do it to yourself or you may end up the bad guy.

I agree your sister has been extremely disloyal.

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 16:09

I didn't mean to drop feed crafty its just such an outing detail that I didn't want to include it. I should have anticipated that people would suggest DP stays home as it would be a reasonable solution not knowing that salient point!

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 25/09/2017 16:09

It seems your Mum is on your side. I suggest you get her to speak to your sister first.

Doramaybe · 25/09/2017 16:09

OW has some neck. It is she that should be out of the picture on the day. Some people just don't get it do they, and there you are, blameless in all this, but full of anxiety and OW just carries on regardless.

I think if it were me I would ask Sis to explain to OW why it will be very awkward if she attends and maybe would be best if she didn't go.

If either sis refuses to ask, or OW refuses to stay away I'd be gone. No ifs buts or maybes.

You will be so glad you stood up to them.

I know it is sis wedding, but under the circumstances I would hold my ground. Blood is (or supposed to be) thicker than water.

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 16:10

I can't thank you all enough for your input, my head was so mashed with it all that I couldn't decide on the best thing to do!

OP posts:
littlehandcuffs · 25/09/2017 16:12

Your sisters wedding will be a miserable affair with all the bad feelings, why would she want that? and why on earth would the OW want to go?? It surely wont be fun for her....(unless she enjoys getting off on other peoples hurt and misery)

Fishface77 · 25/09/2017 16:12

What has you BIL got to say about it?
I'd be inclined to tell all and sundry that she will be there and you are upset.
Just because it's her wedding doesn't mean she can ride roughshod over everyone else.
What are you letting her get away with it op?
Is it because your scared she will choose OW over you? Maybe you it'll haven't resolved your feelings over the affair with you DP?
I'd tell sis to fuck of and make it clear to everyone that you want no part of this.
Perhaps sis is telling everyone your ok with it?

Mix56 · 25/09/2017 16:13

The shit is going to hit the fan

CraftyYankee · 25/09/2017 16:13

Not inteded as a criticism Queen just more a bit of shock, as it does muddy the waters even more.

Do you feel like DSis takes you for granted? It might not have occurred to her that you have limits and that this is a bridge too far.

notapizzaeater · 25/09/2017 16:14

I'm sorry but I would have had to say something

Yes I agree you've asked her to forgive your dh but blood is thicker than water and def if she's marrying into both families. I can't imagine it makes for a good relationship with her new inlaws bringing the ow into the mix

Mittens1969 · 25/09/2017 16:15

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's just so wrong of your sister! Her loyalty should be to you in this, not to the OW. I'm so shocked by this. No way would my DSis do that to me nor I her.

Galaxyfarfaraway · 25/09/2017 16:16

Hang on what has the sister done wrong? OP has forgiven her husband so why can’t the sister forgive her friend/sister/OW.
OP you are being selfish by dictating who can and can’t be in the wedding party. It’s been 2 years you need to move on. You really are not helping yourself by saying you can’t stand to see her. You see your DP every day and he was the one who was in the wrong.
You are making the whole wedding about you. It’s been 2 years people have moved on and you should get help if you haven’t.
Not meaning to be harsh and I understand it must be hard due to your mental health issues but they are yours and not everyone else’s. Your sister just wants to get married with HER family and friends.

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 16:16

I just don't want to make my little sisters wedding anything but joyful - to be honest, it feels like she as already chosen the OW so its not that! And no, my feelings about DP and what happened are certainly not resolved, its a work in progress and it may be futile. After 2 years I am still hurting - not all the time but often.

OP posts:
ZaphodBeeblerox · 25/09/2017 16:17

Yeah, I'd be concerned that sister is spinning this as "Oh Queen is all fine with it not sure what the problem is", so make it clear you (and DP presumably) are not happy.

Anyway, if she hasn't told anyone could it be that OW's son and partner are attending but she isn't? Or that sis is reconsidering? Presumably her fiance weighed in on who's in the wedding party?

Good luck to you OP. I'm so annoyed on your behalf with your sister's lack of consideration!

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 16:19

I think that is really quite unfair Galaxy - I have said nothing at all to my sister about it, the last thing i want is to spoil her wedding. I was seeking other peoples input not looking for validation on a decided course of action.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 25/09/2017 16:20

Fucking hell. What a disloyal excuse for a sister. She has chosen to have the friend who doubly betrayed you there...well, fuck her. If I were you I wouldn't go.

You don't have to suck all this crap up. You are allowed to lay down reasonable boundaries. Your boundaries were badly abused and you have every right t I draw them clearly now. Your sister is asking you to do something which would be damaging to you emotionally. You are entitled to say no.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 25/09/2017 16:22

I'd bow out. She's like a sister but you are an actual sister, and unless your relationship was a distant one, then it's family first.
If she asks, tell the truth. The OW is right in the middle of this wedding including her child and it is not a comfortable situation. You have no desire to be in the same room as her and will not be put in this position.
Talk to your Mum she seems to be supporting you.

TitaniasCloset · 25/09/2017 16:22

Galaxy are you on glue? Or are you the OW? Ignore OP there's always one on aibu.

Personally I think once the rest of the family find out she is invited the shit will hit the fan as app said and you won't have to do or say anything.

Also a pp sorry forgot name as I was typing, suggested that your sister doesn't understand that you have limits and boundaries perhaps because you took a parental role with her? I thought that was interesting.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 25/09/2017 16:23

I think under these circumstances it would be best if your Dsis explained to the OW that it's not possible for her to attend. It would upset too many people - you, your DP, your Mum, your MIL...

Speak to your DP and your Mum - he can speak to his Mum, then perhaps her and your Mum can jointly speak to your sister and BIL to get things sorted.

cowbag1 · 25/09/2017 16:23

Maybe you're coping too well, so people think they can take the piss because you're "over it now".

I would be making everyone in both families know how painful the last two years has been and how hurt you still are. Putting on a brave face solves nothing sometimes.

And I would expect your dp to have a word with his brother too and explain how awkward and upsetting this all is for you. Don't let people get away with treating you like shit.