More of a WWYD really....wedding

[QueenofallIsee]

I found out 2 years ago that my longterm partner had embarked upon an emotional affair, crossing several lines. My BPD was at that point undiagnosed and things were very very hard between us, with counselling we have tried to move forward. Good days and bad days - he did a foolish thing and the sense of betrayal may never go away but I am committed to moving on if we can. We are happy much of the time and I love him still.

The OW was a very close friend of myself, DP and my extended family. Think godparents to each other children, holidays together etc. My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years (true) and in forgiving my DP for his actions, she forgives her too. I am not willing to do that nor do I think that the OW is especially sorry but (even though it hurt) I never reproached my sister, how could I? My decisions are mine and hers are hers. She felt as betrayed as I did I think

Now for the WWYD - my sister wants me to be her bridesmaid and the OW will be at the wedding. I suspect that I will have to be on the Hen Do with her and I know for a fact that the OWs son will be a page boy. My sisters wedding is not about me nor do I want it to be but to sit in the same room as her and my DP might be too much to bear.

Advice please?

Yeah she needs to give her head a wobble. I have a friend who has this trait, of being scrupulously fair to everyone, and normally it's lovely, but occasionally it leads him to give time and support to dicks who really don't deserve it, he's so keen not to "judge" that he ends up ignoring awful stuff. At which point I usually give his head a wobble for him! There's actually a less-than-angelic side to this imo, it's the trait of someone who doesn't want any of their shit to smell.

But very glad you have family support. I see what you mean about your DP, the ideal situation would I guess be if he was all "I refuse to let Queen be hurt by this, I insist that x happens!" but he isn't going to do that is he. You need to save yourself if anyone's going to save you. It's rotten but this is what one gets for being a coper (been there)

OK, so let's look at this logically, from all angles.

Your DP and this woman had an emotional affair. It crossed several lines. while we don't need to have the details, are you sure this wasn't more than an emotional affair? there seems to be a lot of emotion running very high and a great deal of contrition/shoulder shrugging from your DP, perhaps to get this matter left alone?

Your entire family won't have anything to do with this OW, and DP entire family aren't impressed either.

The ONLY ones who see no wrong are your sister, and presumably this OW.

Does your sister not like your DP? is she jealous of who he is/what he has? or is she jealous of you? does she compare herself to you? Is there a reason why she would deliberately keep someone in her life to be a thorn in your side/DP side? what are her motives for putting up with this amount of flack?

You say she has a good sense of right and wrong... how will she react when OW makes a play or encourages a fumble with HER DP? she doesn't resepct the normal confines of relationships. Yes your DP has a role in the EA, but so does she. She could have stopped things just as easily as he did, because of her friendships with you and your sister if nothing else.

How YOU feel is important. Vital actually. the feelings of others in this instance is NOT as important.

Yes, you read right, your feelings on this matter MORE than the OW, and MORE than your sister's tbh.

I do understand your DP stance of supporting whatever YOU want to do in this, but you feel you could do with him saying 'We'll do this" and then all you have to do is say, "yes, that's what we'll do"

But you are the wronged party here, he has a duty to put you first and back you up, to rebuild the trust and solidarity he lost when he conducted this EA. Your family support you, his family support you, which is fabulous, but yes my dear how this plays out is very much YOUR call.

If you want to be absolutely true to yourself and honest about your stance/wishes, then you do need to be very clear about what you can and can't do. Actually, you also need to NOT worry about what OTHERS can or can't do.

You have said you can't do the Hen do. that's absolutely your call to make
You have said to us that you don't want to be at the wedding if she is there - you need to tell your sister that and push this issue of her making back on her.

The OW needs to back out. Your sister needs to manage that, but you don't have to commit or agree to attend anything UNTIL she does so.

I can't understand this situation at all. Infidelity would be an unforgiveable transgression for me, dh would be out on his ear. I would be unforgiveably hurt if my sister sided with the OW over me and pissed off.
I would decline the invite to the wedding. No ultimatums needed, just wouldn't be able to hold my tongue.

Your sister sounds a bit immature and naive and I expect you have always treated her with kid gloves and made excuses for her. Unfortunately she doesn't seam to feel the same about you but if you have hidden your feelings from her then she cant know how much it still hurts. Maybe she doesn't understand that an 'emotional' affair can be just as bad.
You'll never get past this if you don't face it by letting everyone know what your feeling.
I couldn't do what your doing and my sisters would never expect me to ever though we are not BF, its about respect.
I really feel for you not wanting to have a cloud over her day but she is the one inviting the OW this situation isn't of your making so I would go to the wedding only, keep it civil and be honest if someone asks you whats going on.
Hope it works out for you and remember NONE of this is your fault.

This is such a difficult one, I'm amazed you're being so sane and rational. I would mention to PIL's that OW is intending to attend. If she had any remorse, she'd remove herself from the situation. She can still be heavily involved in your sisters life, if that's what your sister wants just not at the wedding. Agree, stay out of the hen do. Also, it may be worth letting your sister know how you feel. At least she can make more of an informed decision? Good luck, you're being very restrained.

If you are MOH can you just not invite OW on hen do? It should be possible to avoid her on the wedding day itself. It is a horrible situation for you.

I don't have anything worthy to add OP .... I just wanted to say I feel heart sorry for your situation all round

Sorry just read the whole thread re two hen dos etc. You are a brave and loving lady and OW should show dignity and compassion and stay away on the day.

I think the 2 hen do thing is a small relief in this shitty situation, at least you have your family supporting you. Wrt dp I don't for one minute think from what you describe he will be wishing he was with her in the run up, I think more he is trying to express (possibly badly) that he knows he did wrong and just wants to make a horrible situation as ok as possible for you without inadvertently making it worse. I really admire your grace and awareness of others in a head melting situation

Is this woman really worth ALL this pain to all these people?

So much hassle, and expense, two hen parties? her own mother won't drink with her? his family won't associate with her either and she STILL gets an invitation?

What IS the 'd'sis getting out of this? proving a point? to whom?

Is there something more to it that your sis or DP aren't letting on?

It just strikes me that this seems like a LOT of trouble to go into to ensure the OW can be at the wedding even though the bride AND groom's siblings and parents all don't want her there.

Is there some reason your sister blames your DP a lot more than OW? Or does she know something through her fiance that you don't?

You keep presenting your sister as being scrupulously fair and sensitive. So far it seems like she's a self-involved twat. Only you'd know which description is better suited. If she is indeed that fair and even - perhaps you should discuss with DP why sis (and his brother) are so keen to have this woman there. And your DP needs to act more like a unit protecting your feelings, rather than focusing on his own contrition.

Agree with Zaphod and Hissy.

"she has a very highly developed sense of right and wrong"

No ... I'm sorry, but no, she hasn't.

"and genuinely sees the OW as just as important as DP and I"

At this stage it doesn't really matter what she thinks of your DP ... he will be there as the Groom's brother, but seriously, do you really think that your sister, who is putting this OW at the same level of import as you (the 'wronged' one) on this huge and emotive family occasion, has a "highly developed sense of right and wrong"? Really?

No she doesn't and she is behaving really badly. Her wedding or not. I'm even angrier (on your behalf) than I was originally!

You (as an extended family) are all about to be doubly related by marriage ... tell me, how will you cope if your sister wants to put you through her thoughtless, unempathetic shite every time there is a family gathering?

I was one of the posters who thought you should go to the wedding ... but having now heard of you and your sisters chat, I've changed my mind. I don't think you should. I think you should pull out.

If nothing else does that will at least get across to her how you feel!

" She confirmed the OW attendance, the strategy for keeping us apart and said that she was very stressed about keeping everyone happy"

Not to mention that you would ... by her own admission ... be making her strategic planning much easier. You could tell her that your doing it because even although she doesn't, you love her enough.

God I hope not Zaph, I am not sure I can take much more. I can't see my sister and DP being complicit in covering up anything, but i can absolutely (and do, hence the distance between us) see a scenario where my sister and her friend have decided that this is an over reaction by me and not for them to be bothered about.

Ugh your sister is so disloyal I can hardly believe it. FFS stop pandering to her. She doesn't sound like a lovely person, she sounds like a self-absorbed prick if betrayal comes this easily to her.

And her fiance presumably is just going along with it? Does he feel no breach of loyalty in putting his fiancee's friend above his own brother?

Honestly love, I mean this in the gentlest way possible, why are you being such a martyr?

I still don't think you should refuse to go to the wedding because it feels like it'll just be turned around as "Look there goes Queen being so dramatic again", but I'd stop discussing your feelings with her, just tell her you think it's best that both you and DP are not part of the wedding party, you'll attend as guests, and you won't be able to join in for the hen do (family version or non family version or whatever the fuck she wants to organise).

FWIW I think it's essential that you and DP present a united front on this, rather than him leaving it all up to you, and ending up in a situation where he stands up with his brother as best man etc and you're the one sitting at Table 19 like you are at fault.

tell me, how will you cope if your sister wants to put you through her thoughtless, unempathetic shite every time there is a family gathering?

Oh GOD!! I'd not thought of that!! she's going to trot out this trollop woman every single event and because you sucked it up for her flaming wedding, you have NO rights to refuse or 'make a fuss out of nothing' this time.

Not to mention that you would ... by her own admission ... be making her strategic planning much easier. You could tell her that you're doing it because even although she doesn't, you love HER enough.

I could not agree with this more. its the only leverage you have, and you have your whole family and inlaws behind you.

It's her wedding, she can absolutely choose to invite who she wants, hold it where she wants, no kids/kids/themed/on a weekday or a school night...

BUT... as the MN adage goes:

"It's an invitation, not a summons"

What she is doing is persisting in an action that has direct consequences for you, your DP, both families.

AND, tbh, potentially places someone she supposedly holds in high esteem in the firing line for some pretty unpleasant looks/comments or worse... I don't know how JK your family could be with a few drinks inside them, but a true friend wouldn't want a friend to be in that situation, much less her own sister being made to relive the betrayal by the pair of them.

You know what? you might be over-reacting, you may be blowing this ALLLLLL way out of proportion.... that is absolutely your right. The fact that your mum and your DP family all think the same way leads me to believe that you are not... Your supposed dear friend and DP colluded in an inappropriate relationship, and you have every right to be hurt by them both.

You have chosen to forgive your DP, and by the sounds of it he is working to regain your trust, and she is dismissing your feelings, your sister too and there are no signs of any recompense but no, you don't need to forgive her if you don't want to or can't. that is your prerogative.

My family are a Jerry Springer waiting to happen in the main, so I am v shocked that she thinks this a solid plan. She didn't invite OW to Christening, or birthdays or any other event of the last few years so i had been thinking the wedding was it.

I am not trying to be a martyr! Am trying to be fair and not have a tantrum about something that I can't control..that would get me a fuckload of fuck all to be honest. I have been wondering if she is almost hoping we would bow out, but the family fallout would be enormous and why would she ask me to be MOH and my DD bridesmaid if that was the case?

My best friend (also invited) is plotting a dastardly revenge so i will have a great time imagining all the horrible scenarios we shall concoct(that won't happen cos I am the bigger person blah blag)

I think your DP and BIL should sort this all out. DP's mess so he sorts it.

Actually fuck that to being MOH.
to be at her beck & call, & spend hours, no weeks organising, preparing,
tell her actually, in view of her putting this OW on invited list, you no longer feel it appropriate, nor do you want yr DD to be bridesmaid.
She has chosen her priorities, she could have asked you, but no its all skullduggery & separate hen dos...
Just say, we're not sure we'll come to the wedding & remember to watch your back, OW may well make moves on your husband too

I would suggest that you call her bluff and say that you completely understand how she is in a dilemma and that you don't wish to add to it so will reluctantly bow out.

the fall out IS hers to face.

It's true, you can't control any of it, but you can choose to feed into it, or not.

Hissy is probably right,
Only problem is if she then becomes MOH, she will be doing everything with best man

She craves the drama, she wants you to look the unhinged one, she's chucking you under the bus, getting you to 'ruin her big day'

She's choosing to engineer all of this, for what? she must be really confident that her 'best friend' won't repeat previous unpunished behaviour.... after all, 'it was OK when I did it to Queen, wasn't it?'

Tell her she can have her day, the way she wants it, but MOH, BM and all that jazz, and you wish her and her new H all the best for the big day etc, but that you won't be attending anything when you know that everyone in the room will be looking at you for a reaction to what the OW is doing