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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD really....wedding

192 replies

QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:03

I found out 2 years ago that my longterm partner had embarked upon an emotional affair, crossing several lines. My BPD was at that point undiagnosed and things were very very hard between us, with counselling we have tried to move forward. Good days and bad days - he did a foolish thing and the sense of betrayal may never go away but I am committed to moving on if we can. We are happy much of the time and I love him still.

The OW was a very close friend of myself, DP and my extended family. Think godparents to each other children, holidays together etc. My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years (true) and in forgiving my DP for his actions, she forgives her too. I am not willing to do that nor do I think that the OW is especially sorry but (even though it hurt) I never reproached my sister, how could I? My decisions are mine and hers are hers. She felt as betrayed as I did I think

Now for the WWYD - my sister wants me to be her bridesmaid and the OW will be at the wedding. I suspect that I will have to be on the Hen Do with her and I know for a fact that the OWs son will be a page boy. My sisters wedding is not about me nor do I want it to be but to sit in the same room as her and my DP might be too much to bear.

Advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:43

Oh I am no push over - the counselling has made me more philosophical and less inclined to lash out. When it came out, I sent screen shots of what I found to all our friends and family inc the OW's husband and mother. It was not my most dignified moment but it was that or actually smashing their faces in so i maintain it was the lesser evil. Anyone BUT my sister, it would be a no brainer response to the wedding....but I am loyal even if other people aren't

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Hissy · 25/09/2017 15:44

You know what Queen? Life is too short to put yourself through all this anguish.

Your 'D'Sis threw you under the bus because it suited her. Any decent sister would have had MASSIVE issues about someone hurting you to this visceral extent.

No you don't have to go to the wedding, nor the hen do, and no you don't need to be the BM. All of this is your sister putting herself first and foremost.

A normal response would be for your sister to say to her friend that while she has chosen to remain friends with her, that it's just too much to ask to expect you, her sister, to accommodate her the OW at a family function, when her part in the affair nearly cost you your family.

I understand that you don't think yourself important enough to demand that she be uninvited, you have taken a battering over the years and don't feel strong enough to take that on, but this is in part because of the lack of consequences.

Being the bigger person is not having everyone else completely ignore your pain and carry on regardless.

If I were you, I would state that the wedding is not about you, and you completely get it, and you are not going to tell her who she can and can't have at her wedding, but that as OW is so intrinsicly involved you'll make it easy for her by sending your apologies for you, your DP and your kids, and hope that she has a wonderful day.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 25/09/2017 15:44

Don't understand your sister's whole attitude tbh. Seems very odd that she hasn't reappraised this woman. That affair was a terrible thing to do in such a close-knit friends/family circle, that's really shocking. Choosing to remain best mates with her to the point that her son is a wedding pageboy is in a very different category to being civil to your DP for your sake IMO.

I just don't think you can go to the hen if OW is there, surely your sister will understand that. It's a shame but there it is, you didn't choose any of this, not the affair, nor your sister's weird priorities/sense of judgement.

Hissy · 25/09/2017 15:45

being loyal to a someone who has betrayed you to this extent isn't loyal, it's misplaced!

SometimesMaybe · 25/09/2017 15:47

Honestly, I would be bridesmaid but explain to your sister why I couldn't go to the Hen do. I would kind of expect the OW to take a step back and not go to the wedding.

I agree that your DP was the one who "betrayed" you but she was your friend, her behaviour was awful too.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 25/09/2017 15:48

Wow, she's "like a sister" and so she chooses to stay friends despite the pain caused to her actual sister?

I know people say the OW isn't to blame for cheating, but your DP has presumably groveled and worked on the relationship at all. Hence you can forgive him. This woman hasn't done anything of the sort - why shouldn't you still be mad at her? Not as mad as you were at your DP, but still, it is a betrayal!

I'd skip being MoH and the hen do etc etc and just go to the wedding. It's your sister's choice to make and let her live with the consequences of her choices. Do you feel like you roll over too easily when it comes to friends and family?

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:49

Thanks all, I have been trying very hard to be fair, but it sticks in my throat to be honest. Everyone seems to have got off scot free but me! I guess I SHOULD tell my sister that it is too much to ask, and expect that she is reasonable about it

Truthfully cannot believe OW will turn up with all our family there, they were appalled and would say so

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:50

Well Zaph . have a reputation as a real hardcase except with my family and close friends. I have very very few people that I trust and this really shook me. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my family, they are everything to me. I practically raised my sister (alcoholic and abusive household)

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loobyloo1234 · 25/09/2017 15:52

I would NEVER put my sister in that position Sad I'm sorry your sister is. Will the OW definitely be going on the hen do? If so, I definitely wouldn't blame you for not going. The wedding is slightly different as hopefully there will be more people and so much easier to avoid

Sorry your DP is such a shit as ultimately he is the one that has put you in this position Flowers

OverinaFlash · 25/09/2017 15:54

If your mum also has misgivings about the OW's presence at the wedding, could she perhaps have the discussion with your sister about the fact that it might be inappropriate for her to be there, given the part she played in your husband's infidelity? I'm not saying you can't/shouldn't fight your own battles, but perhaps your sister is a bit deluded that you're the only one that has a problem with the sitution, and your mum might be able to disabuse her of that notion.

For what it's worth, if I was your sister, I would be polite to your DH out of respect for your decision to work on your marriage, but I wouldn't forgive him and I certainly wouldn't have remained friends with the OW.

OverinaFlash · 25/09/2017 15:55

Sorry DP not DH.

allertse · 25/09/2017 15:56

I really feel for you, you were the victim here and it sounds like a horrible situation all round, but I don't think your sister is BU.

I would not want to pick between my sibling and a close friend in this situation where you have forgiven your DH but not the other party, so I think you have to suck it up. It's not your fault, but it's not your sister's fault either.

OverinaFlash · 25/09/2017 15:56

Also, does your DP support you in not wanting to be at a family occasion with the OW there?

EdmundCleverClogs · 25/09/2017 15:56

I practically raised my sister (alcoholic and abusive household)

And this is how she thanks you? You deserve better, really am quite shocked she could be friends with a woman who hurt her sister in such a way. Obviously a difficult upbringing has lead to her being rather flakey in regards to respecting family and putting them first.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/09/2017 15:56

Whoah
OP ! I don't envy you this

Weddings and funerals hey ? Where the old dreaded faces turn up

I agree with PP

Hen do with that bitch? Hell no
Wedding / you can't not attend really

Just tell her . I appreciate she is your friend , got it . But she is not mine . And I don't want to spend an evening drinking with her . and I'll probably twat the bitch after 4 tequila shots

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:57

Thanks looby - worst thing is that he isn't a shit. It would be so much easier all round if he was! He is a good person who did a shitty shitty thing and whilst he deserves all the criticism I can throw at him in this, this isn't the only thing he is. He has supported me when my mental health was at an all time low, he makes me laugh, he is a wonderful father, a good friend. The pedestal he fell from was very high indeed - i thought he was better than this.

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Crunchymum · 25/09/2017 15:58

Be MOH, pass the hen do to another bridesmaid (you don't need to attend) and DP doesn't come to wedding. Tell those who need to know (bride mainly) in advance that DP won't be attending and tell her why but on the day you can say he is ill if anyone enquires about his whereabouts .

Crunchymum · 25/09/2017 15:58

Strike out fail Hmm

amazinggracie · 25/09/2017 15:58

Wow your sister is a bitch.

Go to the wedding with gritted teeth but don't go near the Hen do

Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:59

My DP doesn't know, I have to tell him. Then ask him what he wants to do as my sister is marrying into his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 16:00

I didn't want to say as it is v v outing but my sister is marrying DPs brother so it is a double whammy family occasion

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cowbag1 · 25/09/2017 16:01

Your sister is a selfish, unsupportive, disloyal bitch. There is no way I would organise her hen for the OW to attend. That's outrageous! It's bad enough she's stayed friends wity her. At least at the wedding it will be mostly your family and enough guests for you to avoid her. But they'll be no chance of that on the hen, which will make it awkward for everyone. As they're still close too, I would bet OW would be lording it about as a central figure in the hen party. She seems like the type to get a few nasty digs in too (as she clearly has no remorse).

I'd avoid this like the plague and if you're sister doesn't understand, that would be the final nail in the coffin of the relationship I think.

senzaparole03 · 25/09/2017 16:01

As with others, it's really unfair for your sister to put you in this sitatuion.

I have two sisters, and if any friend of mine behaved in any way to hurt them, i would cut them off, and I don't care what a good friend they might have previously been to me.

For this situation, I would personally probably say something to your sister. Cup of tea, private sit down, heart to heart.
If it castes a pall over the wedding lead up, then it might result in your sister thinking long and hard about her choices.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 25/09/2017 16:02

I can understand OP - many of us are perfectly competent and adult outside the home, and then turn into mush when faced with the people we love. It sounds like you feel you can't be honest with your sister and perhaps have gotten into a pattern of not expecting very much of the people you love despite giving a lot?

I'd go with what stop said above. "She's your friend and you're perfectly entitled to be friends with her, but I don't think I can go out for an evening of drinking etc with her." and let her know you'll come along to the wedding of course.

I can't imagine the brazenness of the OW to come to a family wedding, but then again I can't imagine the brazenness of starting an affair with such a close friend's DP iyswim, so don't count on her not coming. And I'd not get your mum involved tbh because your sister might just take it out on you?

Hissy · 25/09/2017 16:04

excuse yourself. You absolutely don't need to be fair.

people like your sister will, of course, think that you are being unreasonable, but that is because SHE is being utterly unreasonable, and she is minimising the treatment YOU have suffered at HER hands.

Does it not even enter your Dsis mind that this woman was capable of betraying you, a close family friend, and therefore betraying your DSis would come even more easily?

Bloody hell, how does she not feel sick every time she leaves this friend in a room alone with her fiance?