To think this is shit. If you're a happy mum... how?

[upsidedown2017]

I don't know what my expectations of parenthood were but I am absolutely sick to death of it and want to switch the off button. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Constant sickness Sept - April.

Sleepless nights continuously for the past 2 years. Daily 5am wake ups every single day of my life.

Have aged dramatically within 5 years and gone from being reasonably attractive and put together to a haggard mess.

No holiday or weekend day out has been remotely enjoyable.

Whinging, whining, constant demands.

House is a pig sty. Endless endless housework and food prep.

No money.

Husband no longer finds me attractive & marriage essentially over.

I asked the GP for antidepressants and he said no for now, wait until youngest is at nursery, things might settle down etc.

Where do I go from here? I feel like walking off a cliff or running away.

If you are a happy mum in a happy marriage please explain how the hell. Our family life is absolutely shit. I assume other mothers face the same as what I've described above so how do you remain happy and positive?? I just don't see how!

I've also been there and (long time ago) emerged the other side. 25 years ago my 2 (now 29 and 31) stopped being appalling and gradually started being utterly wonderful, fantastic beings. Honestly, babyhood may be hell on earth, but it doesn't last for ever.

I'm sorry I've only read your posts op so this may have been said. You definitely need to go back To gp for some help. When you are ground down and your dh is useless and you can't see the wood for the trees then some medical help is invaluable.
I suggest you sit down and talk to your h about how you are feeling and you need him to pull his finger out and do his bit.
I felt like this for a long time. It's bloody hard being a mum and you feel like you're losing yourself and everything you were before and all you have are endless days of "same old shit" and no matter how delightful which my kids aren't! your kids are it's fucking horrible thinking... is this it? My life is over?
Y'know what? My son is 7 my daughter is 3. I have good friends now and we all agree that if your house is tidy then something's wrong. Who has time for that? The only time my house looks nice is the 5 minutes after I get home
When the cleaner has been.
Get out, make friends and commiserate. Talk to your H and tell him
He needs to pull a finger out. Hopefully with some medical help, some good friends and fingers crossed a more understanding dh you will get thru it and you will see the light. I promise.
Sorry this is long and maybe a bit incoherent but I'm just trying to say, you're not alone. A lot of people feel this way and it will get better. It may take a while but it will.

how many kids and what ages OP? I feel a bit like you do, my eldest is 7, I have 2 smaller. When my first was born, I quit work because (recession 20% paycut - hell it was less than I had started on many years previously and every raise I wanted I had to beg for) - retrained over 5 years, got another degree and a masters in a completely different arena whilst having the first 2 babies and when my third came along, it was all over. I look like shit, I haven't 2 seconds to myself, I can't formulate a thought without someone 'wanting something'. Potty training for the third time and he doesn’t get in, I die a little more every hour and every accident. I’m at my limit.

As a couple we don't have family to lean on, bar my parents who cannot take 3 to mind at this stage. We have been out about 5 times in 7 years, and always to a fecking wedding, never just a nice easy night out. My husband when we met was on the exact same wage as me, he has more than quadrupled it now (he does deserve it) BUT! I feel I am left like a dried up piece of crap. It's only recently after an incident where I got really drunk and was U, not AIBU, I was unreasonable and an embarrassment - I had to take stock of things. Too much was pent up and I took it out badly on a person (in cutting words). You can only move yourself. Don’t take anti-depressants - they will dull your feelings, but leave you still in a status quo.

I know I have a lot going for me, I have 3 children, when some girls yearn to have one. I am highly qualified, with no self confidence, but maybe I can sell it to someone. Someone somewhere will like me, so I am sending out a pre-determined number of CVs in the coming weeks and will deal with my lack of self-belief as the answers come in. I have nowhere else to go, but I can’t live in fear. My DH and I are still friends, there is still potential, fundamentally what we had is obscured but no unsalvageable. Just make a move, any move, a frightening move, nothing stays as it is forever. Send 50 CVs, do the interviews, worry about the if’s, the how’s afterwards, we only have one life to live and if you are happy, everyone around you is happier also.

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I'm 90% happy!

• We alternate lie ins. So I get Sunday morning, husband gets Saturday morning.
• Husband looks after the kids for 2 hours every Saturday morning while I go for a swim.
• I work 2-3 days a week (v demanding job but a complete change of scene).
• I have a day once a fortnight of childcare but no work so I get to rest, exercise, see friends, do my research.
• I genuinely love their little personalities and love chatting to them.
• I try to get some one to one time with each of them.
• we have a cleaner
• I tidy as I go
• I wash when I can!
• both children finally in their own beds/cots after nearly 4 years of co-sleeping
• I have booked a short cheap holiday in the UK to look forward to

@Badgoushk
You may not mean to come across as smug but you do

'I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I'm 90% happy!'
I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I was 70% happy. I now have a third.

'We alternate lie ins. So I get Sunday morning, husband gets Saturday morning'
We can’t alternate lie-ins, husband works Saturday morning, Sunday morning, a few activities for the older 2 starting at 9am that kids enjoy to go to. Nobody ever gets to lie in

'Husband looks after the kids for 2 hours every Saturday morning while I go for a swim'
Again he works.

'I work 2-3 days a week (v demanding job but a complete change of scene).'
I work from home on a few jobs but can’t get the time because my kids are with me, or at least my youngest is always there. Try working with a 2 year old. It is the most frustrating experience imaginable

'I have a day once a fortnight of childcare but no work so I get to rest, exercise, see friends, do my research'
I get a day a week and the whole day is spent cleaning up the insufferable mess caused by 3 children and trying to finish jobs I can't because he is ALWAYS THERE - my 2 year old!

'I genuinely love their little personalities and love chatting to them.'
Its hard to do so when 3 voices are talking to you at the same time and there is no free time.

'we have a cleaner'
We can’t afford a cleaner

'I tidy as I go'
I do also only for the room to be trashed the minute I leave it. So if you have a secret to share tell me please! :)

'I wash when I can!'
Wash what exactly?

'both children finally in their own beds/cots after nearly 4 years of co-sleeping'
They have always slept in their own beds. That has never been an issue or a cause for celebration. They all get up at 6am though!! Tell me how to stop this

'I have booked a short cheap holiday in the UK to look forward to"
We took our summer holidays and it was just a nightmare, smallest child is too young to be involved in any activities, too young to sit in a restaurant for more than 20 mins, too big for a highchair, too small for a normal chair, need a holiday after it, whinging, can't do what the others are doing, on and on and on

Kids grows up and it gets easier.

they need to be taken out every day to the park. They will sleep better and fight less.

Put them to bed early so you can have some down times and get dad to do the story and bedtime too. The story/cuddles was a motivation for mine to get to bed.

Remember DH is not 'helping' you, he is your partner and the father of the children so it is his responsibility to do some of it.

Have meals that get in the oven (like I would cook and freeze a full tray of backed potatoes, ready to reheat with a can of beans and some cheese, batch cook and freeze, you don't have to cook everyday then.

Reclaim some time for you to have a bath or a yoga class, anything.

Couple going out time.
Or LTB like me: now ex DH has to do 50% of the childcare and housework and I have 50% kids free time (but other issues too).

For me sleeping is not an option and I can't stand kids in the bed, but still had to at times. I went to a stage where I thought I have to sleep train them one way or another otherwise I will loose my sanity and then I would not be able to be the mum they need.
So yes at first they did cry for a long time, and I had to endure it but it pay off and they slept in their own bed.

Should read: for me NOT sleeping...

username7979 - your advice is really good - but you ditched him (what does LTB mean?) was he a complete waste of time? I don't mind them in my bed to a point and I know they will be half grown soon enough, you sound like a very resilient person.

@username7979 - how did you find it when you LTB? I feel like perhaps this is the way to go and there is nothing left to salvage. I just can't be bothered anymore and feel like it's inevitable. I don't know if it's depression or if I have reason to but I feel like I hate DH! It's not getting better. How was it to become a single parent and what are the new issues?

enceladus, I didn't mean to sound smug. I don't feel smug. Sometimes I have difficult days, sometimes I have easier days. But on the whole I'm happy. It sounds like you have a lot going on and I appreciate I'm very fortunate that my husband can give me some respite at the weekends.

Re: antidepressants, I'd say they are really specific to the person, ie what works for one person might not work for the next. They also take an average of 4-6 to balance out in your body, ie for the first few weeks you might feel worse before you start feeling better (just fyi, I have a degree in pharmaceutical sciences). This is not to say you shouldn't try, but don't be put off if you have side affects at first and if they are really bad, ask to be put on a different one, it may just take a bit of tinkering to find one that suits you

I felt exactly the same about family life until I started on antidepressants.
It really does sound like they would help you, so go back to that GP of yours and lay it on as thick as you can, make him see how much you’re struggling.
They certainly make me feel more in control and on top of things

I’m sorry you feel like this

It's him not them.

Last ditch attempt to make things fairer. Sit down with a list of all the jobs on each day and divide the tasks. Make a meeting time to do it when calm. Then type it up and do not do more than your share on your days unless previously arranged.
Agree fairness over lie ins and what time's are expected.
When our 2 were little we had very strict turn taking for bedtimes and lie ins. Now I Bath and bed my new one everyday while he tidies. Suits us both.
Writing it down seems daft but it does really help.

Tidying up - do it all in one go at the the end of the day.

Also it gets loads better over time.

I too often feel the same. My dh gets lots of time away, and im not including work in that. I saw this yesterday which really resonated with me. It's from Constance Halls page on Facebook.

^On Friday a friend called me really upset, her husband called her from work and told her he was going away on a spontaneous boys weekend that weekend.

She asked me, "is it ok that I'm so mad? Would you be upset?"

So I thought about it, from both sides.

And the truth is that yes, I would be upset.

Because what those who don't stay at home with their kids don't realise is that women (or man) who stays at home makes huge sacrifices, they don't love every minute of the relentless house work, going to the park alone with just our kids is not a "blessing" it's hard fucking work and no matter how hard they work, the same amount of work is presented to them the following day.

And the only break they get, their weekend so to speak, is you, the other parent, coming home.

You are the weekend, you are the break. Just knowing that you're not going to be the only one getting food down the kids throats or not the only one to buckle in and buckle out every kids. Makes is so much easier.

The kids are happier because you are home, the women (or man) you love is happier because you are home. How crazy is that?

So the next time you want to spontaneously go away on a boys weekend and I'm not saying never have spontaneity, but I want you to understand why your partner may feel let down,

Imagine if you worked 5 days and just before you clocked off you're partner called you and said "by the way you don't get a weekend this week, you're working all the way through"

You'd be kinda pissed too.

And at the end of the day, if somebody actually wants you home with them?
Then you are already winning at life.

Con xxx^

@iamdivergent that is so bloody true but yet we are peddled the crap that our poor beloveds need a break..... I want to know where my break is!!! Iv not had a day off in 3yrs .

If your head feels clear upsidedown I genuinely think you need to do what’s best for you from now on, living in that constant spiral of hate and resentment for your partner is going to end you it’s not healthy. Have you organised another gp appointment? Ask for a go that takes mental health seriously.

@iamdivergent so so true! My DH actually wouldn't do this - he does give me notice of all nights and weekend away, thank god as I have to psych myself up for them. Not that he does any housework but it does mean it's an extra pair of hands to help entertain the kids.

Another shitty day. I've made some small steps this week thanks to suggestions made on this thread. I've booked a GP appointment, continued with the mass declutter (and actually seem to be getting somewhere!) and seen friends.

My littlest is just such hard work. I don't remember this was my eldest. Everything is a battle. He's just cried himself to sleep for the last 20+ mins with either me or DH sitting with him. He so rarely goes to bed without a fuss and it's depressing! Makes me feel like a terrible useless parent and so guilty that he feels sad all the time. Where have we gone wrong? He's had tonnes of fresh air and exercise today and only a 1 hr nap at 12.15. I don't believe he's not tired enough as he was showing plenty of signs for being ready before bath, during bath etc, although not actually yawning. It really shouldn't be this difficult, should it? I really wish he'd taken a dummy as that was such a comfort for my eldest. I don't know where to go from here. I dread it every day. He just doesn't seem content ever, day or night and I don't know how to fix it.

Next step is exercise and cracking the healthier eating.

I LTB when my youngest was 18 months. At this point my ex had only ever had the kids on his own once whilst they were wake. I had 2 trips to the gym each week after the kids were asleep for the last few months as my only break. But I was constantly terrified leaving them because twice he had left them home alone to buy booze. Only 15 mins alone but it was the straw that broke this camels back.

For the first year he would have the kids 1 day and 2 nights a week. During the day his parents would come over to make sure everything was OK.

It was amazing, for the first time ever I was empowered to ask for help from others as I was now a lone parent and it would no longer be showing him up for being a lazy twazak. Quiet evenings when the kids had gone to bed, only us to tidy up for. A lay in every weekend if I wanted it.

Plus once I was getting some sleep I wasn't as tired and grumpy and could enjoy the kids more. I felt younger and prettier.

It doesn't work for everyone but my relationship was pretty disfunctional so splitting up was a huge improvement.

Plus he is a much better dad now, 10 years down the line he is pretty involved with the kids.

But if that isn't the route for you then you need to negotiate some down time. Book a hotel or stay at a mates if you can't get a lie in at home. Agree some evenings out, join a club, go for a walk, enjoy a peaceful few moments without a child or adult child nagging at you.

It does get better as the children get older, and you will mostly forget these terrible times

Good luck x

I know this is not for you right now but I solved this by going back to work. I felt I had far more leverage in dictating terms to my husband and he was forced to do school runs/help out/take over. As I simply wasn't going to be around. It's fine if he chooses to outsource some if he pays for it out of his own money. Just don't expect me to be the default when I'm not around. So we now have negotiated days to parental. I still cook most meals during the week but I get lie-ins both weekend days.

It's not right as sahm should be valued but at this time, it works for us. Plus I now outearn dh which has shut him up in a major way as he's quite alpha male.

Cookie that wouldn’t work for me.It would get me a break from my kids but I’d still have everything to do. My oh has Aspergers Syndrome so it’s not exactly the same but no matter what I try he does nothing. I’m glad you have found something that works for you though as it sucks to feel so low and not remotely valued for the things you do at home.

Sorry I meant to add unfortunately going back to work for some just adds to the agony and frustration of everything else. Not a one size fits all it really does depend on your partner.

Your wee one does sound like they are exhausting you I hope you can find a solution to settling them a bit quicker for all, it’s not easy though.

I haven't RTFT but I hear you OP, some days are fucking tough. I have two DC's under 3 and sometimes I feel exactly as you describe, but over time I have learned what makes me a happier parent:

• Time to myself. This is non-negotiable & DH knows it (same goes for him). My two DC go to childcare together for 5 hours per week & I use that time to do whatever I like - usually nothing more than going for a coffee & leafing through a magazine. For 'me' time, I try to get out to walk the dogs every day - not always possible but between me & DH we make it work so we have time for ourselves most days, even if it's just 20 minutes.
• Strict bedtime (7-7.30pm). I would not be able to cope if this wasn't the case.
• YY to more assertive re: waking up time. My toddler sometimes wakes early as does DS 7mo, but both are settled until 7am, even if it makes no difference to the actual sleep we get. We've tried to be consistent with this
• Declutter so there is less stuff to tidy, and yes to only once a day - after bedtime. Anything else is just wasting time IMO
• Batch cook so you have multiple meals stored up, and only one hot meal a day is my policy & not always from scratch the odd pizza / toddler ready meal never killed anyone.
• Enlist your DH to help - if not 50/50, something, anything.
• If your budget allows mine doesn't but I'll make it so when I'm back at work get a cleaner.
• Bath every other day. This works for us - if DD (or young DS for that matter) is particularly grubby s/he showers with me or DH in the mornings too.
• Washing all done in one day, once a week. I have been known to do 5 or 6 loads in one day, dry and put away, but I don't do any for the rest of the week.
• Ban ironing (if you do it) save for garments that definitely need it (DH does his own work shirt each day, I iron the odd item for me or DC but rarely).
• Exercise. This ties in with my first point as my time to myself is usually dog walking my only exercise, but it works for me. I find I sleep better, I feel better mentally and I can get through the day easier if I have 'worked out'.
• See the joy in little things. I know this sounds as cheesy as hell but it really helps. . .I really look forward to a nice hot chocolate when I'm giving DS his last feed of the day, for example. A slow walk around the park. . .take a second to breathe in the fresh air and seek joy in the fact it's knackering the DC out. A nice cup of coffee in the morning, a new bit of make up (only has to be cheap, I bought myself a £2.99 lippy yesterday and I LOVE it).

Finally, please keep on at your GP to help you NOW, not further down the line. Unmumsnetty hugs to you, and I hope some of my lazy tips help.

DS2 is also in my bed half the night
Was sick of going in and out of his room putting him back to sleep. It’s just easier

I know what you are saying about the aging. I have started taking extra care of my skin recently, luxury products = feel better about myself

Try not to worry about the housework.

Also agree with others make another trip to the GP, maybe see a different one?

Yes definitely not for everyone. I'm lucky enough to dictate my own working hours and earn a lot to really make it worth my while. I said to myself it would only be worth it if I earned double the value of sahm services (by which I mean domestic and childcare services and the rest if you were to break it up and outsource everything you do). I appreciate most folk don't have that luxury.

However much that I feel women's lib is helping break the glass ceiling there are a lot of not so great men who don't provide the same amount of respect to their other halves vs the women in high powered careers. It's totally wrong but men at work wouldn't dare speak to me or treat me like their skivvy. So why do that at home?

@Dozyoldtwonk - lovely tips, thank you.

So much to think about