To think this is shit. If you're a happy mum... how?

[upsidedown2017]

I don't know what my expectations of parenthood were but I am absolutely sick to death of it and want to switch the off button. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Constant sickness Sept - April.

Sleepless nights continuously for the past 2 years. Daily 5am wake ups every single day of my life.

Have aged dramatically within 5 years and gone from being reasonably attractive and put together to a haggard mess.

No holiday or weekend day out has been remotely enjoyable.

Whinging, whining, constant demands.

House is a pig sty. Endless endless housework and food prep.

No money.

Husband no longer finds me attractive & marriage essentially over.

I asked the GP for antidepressants and he said no for now, wait until youngest is at nursery, things might settle down etc.

Where do I go from here? I feel like walking off a cliff or running away.

If you are a happy mum in a happy marriage please explain how the hell. Our family life is absolutely shit. I assume other mothers face the same as what I've described above so how do you remain happy and positive?? I just don't see how!

Find your people is the best advice. Make sure you see them, (with and without children) as often as you can.

It IS hard and relentless, but you don't need to feel so unhappy. Do you have a reasonable HV? They should care a lot about a mother feeling so fed up. Your Doctor (make or female) was a sexist arse, why should you suffer feeling like you are just because you're a mother of young children? If you want some help, please ask again. I'm angry for you.

The rest, it's hard isn't it? Help is a luxury, but if can afford it, then DO. It's worth it.

I guess you can see that lots of us feel similarly to you - you have a people who understand, use this for sure, please don't be isolated.

Theancientmarinader

piewrath I'm only having one for many reasons...and yes more than one is my idea of hell!

OP: I have been where you are and this is what works for me:

I work. For so much more than the money.
I get away on my own for weekends here and there and we also both have solo as well as family holidays
Cleaner
Early bedtime for kids
When DD doesn't sleep we take it in turns to sleep in with her.: she has a double bed and this is a GAME CHANGER.
Get really organised so things flow more in the home

Your DH also needs a massive kick up the backside.

Mine are 3 and 2 and have been truly awful sleepers. This is how I've maintained sanity (and would say I'm generally pretty happy).
Their bedtime is 7pm. Every single night. Take it in turns to get up with them in the morning.
DH does 50% of chores when he's not working (I'm a SAHM so do the bulk, but when he's around it's all shared).
We make an effort to make sure each of us gets 'me time' away from the house. DH goes to the gym, I see friends usually.
If one of us is having a bad day/feeling rough/exhausted at the weekend the other will take the DC out for a couple of hours to give them some peace.
Declutter... takes some initial effort but it means that cleaning/tidying is much quicker.
Get a cleaner if you can afford it. We don't have one but did for a while when I had 2 under 2 and it helped.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

I'm pregnant with dc1 and somewhat regretting my decision as this sounds horrible. Can I ask why some of you had more than 1 dc if it's that bad?

It's not that bad all of the time. It can be, like OPs situation. Don't be fretting. Congratulations on DC1

Piewrath, this isn't true for everyone!

You sound depressed OP

I agree that some time to focus on you is needed , try that first and if you still feel shit get a different GP

Life can be depressing in whatever your circumstances are

And weekends can be worse as you think you should be happier

What small steps can you make this week ?

I feel your pain! I felt so much better going back to my career so much so we split maternity with my second child me 6 months DH 4 months - they're 9&5 now life is much better

IME happy marriage comes first. I've done parenting in a shit relationship, I've done single parenting, I've done it in a good/supportive relationship and the only one I haven't been depressed in is the supportive marriage.

It's too much for one person alone. Fuck these shitty men who decide to just carry on with their lives, ignoring the suffering of their wives they are supposed to support and care for.

Prioritise yourself OP! Enjoy every minute with your children whilst they are small. Housework can wait!

Split housework 50/50 where is your husband with this?

Organise your children's day like they are in nursery when you are all at home.

Try and get up an hour before anyone else wakes. 30 minutes food prep (breakfast put out for kids and an evening meal prepped and put in slow cooker) 20 minutes shower/ dress and 10 minutes with a cup of tea writing your to do list.

If you are at home and do not work.

Kids up 07.00 _07.30 washed and dressed. Any spare clothes or nappies etc brought down stairs for day. Organise stuff for bag if you are going out for day (snacks, water, wipes etc

Breakfast, play and quick tidy up 07.30_0.900

09.00 leave house to go out somewhere, park, feed ducks, swimming, activity or pre_school

12.00 back indoors and lunch

1.00 afternoon nap for children

2.30 snack 3pm leave for PM school run or if not school age spend time playing with children.

4.00 children play by themselves

5.00_ 6.00 ceebebies or recorded programmes , whilst you or hubby prep dinner and get on table. 5.30.kids pack up toys .

6.00_7.00 dinner

7.00 bath @ teeth

7.15 story

7.30 bedtime

7.30_ 8.00 adult loads dishwasher, washing machine/ tumble dryer/ folds clothes quick hoover.

Adults sit down from 8pm onwards.

This may not work for everyone, but it used to work for me when I was on mat leave before going back full time.

I feel you, completely. Pregnancy was hideous for me and then I had twins after having no experience of babies really. One was very unwell and in nicu for two months. I already had two chronic illnesses and pregnancy seems to have triggered another - I am in constant pain and constantly fatigued behond words. The twins wake up every couple of hours, not necessarily at the same time, and even though my husband and I share this it's not enough for me to ever not feel like I might die from exhaustion. My sex drive hasn't returned, to the point where I can't stand to be touched at all, so that's putting huge strain on our marriage.

Please go back to a different gp - mine wants to throw all the anti depressants at me whereas I'm depressed because I'm exhausted and in pain and they're not so fussed about that!

@Piewraith I have often felt like the OP, but I still wanted a second DC. Since having DC2 I actually feel this way less often and seeing them play together is lovely. My eldest is at a very sweet and innocent stage and comes out with hilarious stuff and is very cuddly, but he is an horrendous sleeper and a typical toddler throwing wobblers frequently. My youngest is a happy, smiling little thing but still a baby and therefore demanding and time consuming. So yes, some days are horrible and it is best to be prepared for that as otherwise it can be a shock and make you feel like there is something wrong with you, but it is worth it (or is for me).

OP- I have DEFINITELY felt like you. This is what has helped me;
• Time for myself to do whatever I want- I choose exercise classes, hair/beauty appointments, go for tea with a friend and plan quite far in advance so I have something to look forward to
• Access talking therapies through NHS; some offer online treatment and low level intensity is often done over the phone so you can hopefully still access them even if you can't get out of the house easily (I would personally prioritise the above point for time out of the house)
• Lower expectations and don't try to be perfect - I give mine "oven food" a couple of nights per week and have a ready meal myself to save time and effort of cleaning the kitchen AGAIN, all they are bothered about it not being hungry!
• Think about what makes you feel good about yourself and your appearance- look at Pinterest for capsule wardrobe inspiration, perfect a quick but nice hairstyle and make up routine, buy/wear nice underwear. Do this for you for your confidence but maybe also so that you can maybe start to feel more sexy again- if you want that with your H? But more for your self esteem.
• Go back to the GP and show them this post if necessary, but explain the severity of it and that it is every day.
• I write a list of things I am grateful for every day. Even if there are only 2 things on it or if they are things like "I had a shower" or "I enjoyed my meal" or "the kitchen is clean". It just helps me and once I get started I usually find it easier to think of stuff, I find this really helpful in lifting my mood.

Above all, I do all of those things and yet still have days like this. Some days I just want to cry or I actually do cry at the sheer repetition and wondering when life will be different, so don't be too hard on yourself for having those days. You're human and parenting is relentless and hard work, often thankless and lonely.
I bet you are doing a wonderful job and I bet your kids adore you! Please don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you do feel better soon

I have very low standards for myself to be honest.
If the house is a mess or we've just had a movie day or I have to bring one of then in to bed with me so they'll sleep so be it. I don't care and if people want to judge, let them.

Incidentally, I also have very high standards for dh which I expect him to try to live up to!

@Piewrath I had more than one because I knew the hardest bits i.e. Kids not sleeping etc would be temporary and I couldn't imagine my ds being an only child.

Mine are 5&7 now and it's hard but in a different way and they also bring me so much joy. Dh is better at pulling his weight but not 100%.

It sounds like the biggest issues for the OP are her lack of supportive husband and unsympathetic GP.

Sleep deprivation and unsupportive partner are the reasons you're finding things so difficult.
What does your husband do to support you? Do you have lie ins? Does he do his fair share of chores?

firstly go and find another flipping doctor.
next try and find something to pull you up. one thing a week for you.

Wow there has been some amazing and spot in advice on here. Op I'm a mum of three, all very different ages. The best advice I can give that has helped me over the years is routine. Get into one that suits your family and stick to it. I've got friends that don't have much or even any structure to their day and its bedlam.
A pp said up thread that the highs are high and the lows are low and I couldn't agree more. Only yesterday I was thinking fuck this shit !! But u do enjoy this shit majority of the time .
Another tip that may or may not help is I view being at home as my job. On bad days it's my job it's what I do. But I am planning on a paid job soon and totally agree with other posters that working gives them a chance to be someone else other than mum.
I do think you need to see a different doctor however because I actually think when you have a baby especially your first it can be a real shock as to how your life can change.
I think right now you can't see the wood for the trees ??
Hope all this makes sense. Still waking up.

go back to the Gp and ask again as you can not wait til the youngest is in nursery, you are at the end of your tether now.

no wonder you feel like you do it sounds relentless. It does usuall y get better, eventually, but at this point that will not be much consolation for you as you are at breaking point now.

((hugs))

Thank you all so much, I won't reply individually but ...

I feel so down because I've already implemented so many of your suggestions. I've been on here for years and have made a note of lots of pointers from routine threads, organisation threads, meal threads etc. Nobody has tried harder at this shit than I have! We have a good routine, we do an activity every morning, nap has to be only an hour though or else he won't go to bed...I try to see friends etc.

We had a cleaner and I had to cancel her after a while (even though she was fantastic) as it became too stressful being the only one picking anything up & putting things away ready for her to come so she could actually clean! We don't have enough storage (working on that) and the kids are a whirlwind of pulling things out.

The problem I have is that I am absolutely goosed by the time 7/7.30pm comes... up in the night for the past 2 weeks stripping bed (bed wetting) and comforting croupy little one. Then up around 5 and on my feet all day. I can achieve very little in the evening.

To poster who said bedtime dictates wake time (European countries etc) - possibly true but we've had several late nights due to social occasions whereby bed has been 9pm and if anything he wakes earlier! His body clock has been well and truly set and it's a miracle if he ever wakes past 5.30. I've tried the 'get tough' attitude sitting in the dark in his room until 6.30 but I've done it for many many days in a row and it never makes any difference - it just upsets him and so boring for me! We do bed share when he's poorly. I am happy to do that 😀 I've suggested to DH so many times that we take it in turns to get up with DS or at least he choose maybe 3 days a week to do it but no, he won't as he 'works' more/harder/longer.

@Piewraith - I did find it very hard even with one child but the biological urge to complete the family and the longing for just one more was too strong. I love them SO much and do take pleasure in them every day. A lot of mums I know are just fine. I hope you will be too

There just isn't the time to make myself look attractive - I'm one of those people that scrubs up pretty well but it takes time. My hair isn't easy which is the big problem as hair is so important for looks. Getting up and ready before kids up would mean 4.30am for me - I have toyed with the idea but find it incomprehensible to start my day even earlier than I already do! I can't believe how much the tiredness and at times questionable diet has impacted my face. In 5 years I do not look the same person. I'm only 10 pounds over my ideal but I'm one of these people that honestly does only look their best when on the skinny side - I don't suit any kind of extra weight at all. But how to stop reaching for biscuits of chocolate at the corner shop when it's helps you get through the day?!

DH isn't the best, I know that, but he's not going to change is he. He'll only 'see' how much work is involved if we get divorced and he has 50% custody - even then he won't 'see' as he won't be doing 100% of everything all of the time. I no longer cook his meals ... I now eat simple meals with the kids at 5, nor iron for him. I'm toying with the idea of stopping washing his clothes. It'll only make him dislike me more though.

Ugh.

@Piewraith I suspect the answer has a lot to do with what Bertie Botts said.

Most people know you need a routine, time for yourself etc. it's just that it's really easy to let it slip if you're overwhelmed by domestic tasks and/or exhausted by non-sleeping children and all of a sudden you can't see the wood for the trees and it feels hopeless.

The easiest way to avoid getting overwhelmed is having people to step in and take over. Doesn't have to be a DP but they're definitely the best option.

Agree your DH is the problem children can be hard work (it does get easier) but you don't hav a partner at all.

What is keeping you together

The biggest trap women are forced into is the lie that they are the main caregiver for anything that shits and vomits. Don't fall for that crap. And if you are unlucky enough to have saddled yourself with some twat that claims to be terrible at actual parenting, just take off for the weekend and let him work it out. Hands on learning experience. No excuses. He's an adult and he fathered them. I don't care how many there are. It's time he learned. If he can't be bothered, divorce his arse and file for joint custody. He'll have to work it out then.

^This. One million times this.

Your husband sounds a very large part of your problem. Go away on your own for a weekend. He will find out what you do all day.