To think this is shit. If you're a happy mum... how?

[upsidedown2017]

I don't know what my expectations of parenthood were but I am absolutely sick to death of it and want to switch the off button. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Constant sickness Sept - April.

Sleepless nights continuously for the past 2 years. Daily 5am wake ups every single day of my life.

Have aged dramatically within 5 years and gone from being reasonably attractive and put together to a haggard mess.

No holiday or weekend day out has been remotely enjoyable.

Whinging, whining, constant demands.

House is a pig sty. Endless endless housework and food prep.

No money.

Husband no longer finds me attractive & marriage essentially over.

I asked the GP for antidepressants and he said no for now, wait until youngest is at nursery, things might settle down etc.

Where do I go from here? I feel like walking off a cliff or running away.

If you are a happy mum in a happy marriage please explain how the hell. Our family life is absolutely shit. I assume other mothers face the same as what I've described above so how do you remain happy and positive?? I just don't see how!

I agree with others - change your GP! I'd also look into what you might be looking financially if you were a single parent - look at the maintenance calculator online. You don't even have to do anything with the info? Looking won't hurt any...

Then depending on how you feel? I'd be working towards a "laying my cards on the table" type conversation.

Right now, you are merely existing. Two people made these children - two people should be sharing the responsibility - that isn't happening.

My first port of call would be changing GP - once you start feeling better about yourself the decision making process won't seem so daunting...

It doesn't have to be all or nothing - keep telling yourself that

I have definitely experienced some of what you say at various times. How old are your kids.

Things that have helped me:

• non-sleeper in bed with me and don't give a shit what people think. they'll go in their own beds when ready. The nearly 4 year old finally went in own bed a few months ago. I got miles more sleep that way.
• get out for a walk as soon as kids in bed. even if just around streets. Gives you fresh air, exercise, clears your mind and it's something just for you
• i've instigated half an hour "quiet time" which I've had to work really hard at. But basically half an hour for each kid and me to do our own thing (I sew) and then they get half an hour TV after (whilst I read / internet). It makes a massive difference
• MArie Kondo your house. Be ruthless at getting rid of stuff. In run up to Christmas get kids to choose what they can get rid of to take to charity shop and you can say it's to make space for anything they get at christmas.
• concentrate on feeling healthy and strong rather than looking good. So get out for walk and try and get out for other exercise you like once kids in bed and DP can be in the house. Realise how fucking amazing your body is for what it has done and can do. Try and find that confidence and then you'll carry yourself better and look better and may even then find time / energy to do the "scrubbing yourself up" thing you mention.

I hope you manage to feel better soon.

I think that the most serious issue here is you need to resolve whether you both are going to work at your marriage or move on and then act accordingly. If you decide to work at it, then you both need to really give your best. You need to both look at how you can make life more pleasant for each other and to rekindle some affection and kindness towards each other. Would some counselling help?
I suspect that you are worrying too much about your outward appearance in that a trip to the hairdresser, beauty counter, etc. will hopefully work wonders - i.e. relatively easy to fix.
I also think that you need to reinstate a cleaner and get them to put stuff into piles (they are unlikely to tidy away).
Could your Mum or MIL give you a bit of support with the kids to free you up a bit?

Do something drastic re the 'D'H situation - leave for a weekend or go on strike or something huge, as a last ditch attempt maybe? But honestly I think it might be too late to get him to see. Single parenthood is much easier than parenting in a shit marriage. It's not easy, either, but it's much better because you don't have the constant weight of expecting somebody to support you and then having them just not. It's like when you go to step up the last stair and you don't realise it's not there and you stumble. When you're on your own the staircase is longer and more tiring but at least you can see how many steps there are and balance yourself accordingly.

I'm very happy because my own happiness is always one of the considerations when making a decision. Also, having a career really helps, because I'm out of the house doing my own thing most of the time. Weekends are family time, and that's great fun. The happiest families I know kind of act like there are two dads, rather than a downtrodden "mummy" figure + father.

Forget the surface stuff like appearance and bedtimes and soup... Seriously. This isn't about that and it will just end up being more work for you with you getting nothing back again.

Also, get a cleaner once a week if possible (if you managed to get back to work that could be an option, money-wise).

Upsidedown2017 it’s absolute shite isn’t it?

I ditched the husband. I’m a much nicer person now he isn’t around reminding me I do it all while he sits on his arse. Now I just do it all.

Re-hire your cleaner. The tidying beforehand is a small price to pay. At least then someone else is helping you.

Sort your storage out. Can toys and kids stuff be kept in their bedroom? At least then you won’t have to look at it.

Your kids are small. It all goes with the territory. It’s not helpful, I know, but it does get better.

Get a bit of maintenance done. For me it’s getting my eyelashes done. I’ve started to get my hair done. I had someone come to the house to do mine when they were little. Always book in your next appointment at the time.

Small things. Small steps.

At some point you will feel as though you have come up for air.

I think the unknown worries about how it would be I felt you separated are much more preferable to the mud you're living in now. Dh is 100% the problem here. He will never change. He has no reason too. You do everything. He gets to play Disney dad. Cut him loose and free yourself .

Sounds more like a dh problem than being a parent problem.
You should be sharing the early starts and the housework.
He should still be finding you attractive.

p.s. could you book a decent hairdresser and have a consultation about different styles or different products that make it easier to manage? My teenage daughter has just learned how to put hers up in a messy bun and it looks great! She has also just introduced me to dry shampoo - so useful/timesaving!

You need emergency measures!

1. a break. Day. Weekend. Leave kids with DH. Socialise. Or retreat. Or pamper yourself. Get hair done. Or sleep.
2. to concentrate on your health. Eat better. Take sleep or rest over anything else. Start exercising- I know it's a drag. But really effective for listing your mood.

That's it. Keep doing this. Priority over housework. Anything. Keep repeating this. It will take time.

Been there (still there!)

Early waking is the killer here, I had one who was a 5am waker and it was 10x worse than any middle of the night waking that I experienced. Much more tiring and totally wiped out my day. It killed me.
I have clear memories of lying on the sofa as she played with her toys, when it was dark outside and cold because the heating hadn't come on yet, waiting for CBeebies to start. I felt like I was the only person in the world.

I think I tried the 'wake to sleep', which did not make much difference - maybe a slight bit - then I bought the GroClock, which was actually very helpful. It didn't have the dramatic effect of getting her to go through until 7, it was more of a slow stretching of her bedtime hours and it definitely heralded the beginning of the end of the awfulness.
So I got her to stay in bed until 5.20, then moved the time back in 10 minute bursts until it was 6, then she might come and see me in bed and lie with me for 10 minutes, then we would go down at a slightly less ungodly hour. At some point soon(ish) you will be able to send yours down on their own to have the TV on for 20 minutes, or if they are independent they might head down on their own without coming to your room.

I also think that starting some sort of day care helped, which she did when she was 2.

On the subject of a house of chaos. When I was in the depths of my shitty times, I would aim to just have one area of the house as a tidy haven, and step over the rest. So my bedroom, or the area around the sofa where you sit at night. Or if you have a large enough house, have a room that you sit in in the evening that no-one is allowed in during the day. An adult sanctuary. WRT the cleaner, depending again on the size of your house, how about getting her to come for a shorter time and just do the upstairs one week and the downstairs the other so that you have a smaller zone to tidy up in before she comes?

And you have to, have to, have to get some self care into each week. I agree that hair is very important in appearance. This may be more of a style and beauty thing, but if you give your hair a really good blow dry once a week, could it last for the best part of a week with dry shampoo?

your big issues here are your husband and your doctor. Your husband is being an arse if at your lowest ebb he’s talking about finding you unattractive. You need support not criticism. And you need to see another doctor because you’re very clearly and understandably depressed and you need help with that, whether through talk therapies, antidepressants or a combination of both. Don’t be fobbed off and don’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have your back completely

I've got young kids and I'm happy. I was going to post various suggestions, but to be honest the biggest difference between me and you is that your husband's a dick and mine is lovely. While he's still behaving like he is, I am not sure how happy you can actually manage to be.

However, things I have found beneficial, in case you or anyone reading finds it useful:

1. I've always worked, part time. DH has almost always either been part time or flexible so that, from the end of ML, one day a week of childcare has been him solo. This is, frankly, crucial.

1. Low expectations wrt days out and holidays. Young children are dicks. We try not to be anywhere for more than a couple of hours at a time and also not to spend too much money, because three year olds are too stupid to appreciate it. Holidays are low key and in the UK.

1. I shove mine in front of the telly and/or tablet loads, if I need some thinking time. So does DH. Sometimes you need to do it. I am more interested in sanity than any parent of the year brownie points. Also, Cbeebies is cleverer than I am, to be quite honest. My kids can count and do colours in Welsh and Mandarin. I can assure you they did not learn that from me.

1. Our kids have almost always been decent sleepers. The 5am get ups must be a killer, but you doing all of them is grossly unfair and a recipe for disaster and exhaustion. Ours go to bed fairly late and get up late, and we go to sleep not much later than them (unless having sex, see next point) so there's not much adult time in the evenings. Worth it so we can get enough sleep. We also co-sleep loads, and have a big bed for this purpose.

1. Regular and enthusiastic sex, scheduled in if necessary. Seriously couldn't manage without this. I like spontaneity but sometimes it's one of those things you have to give up for a while when the kids are small. DH and I find life much easier to handle if we can have at least one mutually satisfactory session each week. More is a bonus though to be honest, we achieve twice a week about half the time tops. However, this requires us to actually want to have sex with each other. If my husband was behaving like yours, that would do very little for my libido.

1. Low expectations re housework. Our house is clean, we (emphasis on the we) clean it each weekend and I do things like sweep, wipe the surfaces and clean the bog most days during the week too. But the big jobs can wait. It's messy and there's a lot of crap, which I often find hard, but it's clean crap. We never ever make beds and barely anything gets ironed.

Also, your GP is a dick. If you don't need anti-depressants and something else would be better then ok, you should be offered that something else. Not fobbed off. If you do need them, waiting is not going to help.

OP, why does your DH have a choice about looking after the kids sometimes? What if you just took yourself out for the day from time to time? Maybe give him a couple days advance warning but don't give him the option to refuse, just "I'm going to do X on Saturday so I'll be out all day." Maybe if he sees a) what's involved in bringing up children on your own all day and b) how much happier you are when you've had a little self-care, it might encourage him to change.
One thing that I loved when mine were toddlers was having a handful of friends with similar aged DCs. Once a month, one of us would have all the kids (nightmare) and the rest would have a lovely girly childfree day (bliss). There only needs to be 3 or 4 of you in the group for the bliss to far outweigh the nightmare lol!

As a PP suggested...the GroClock, it was my sanity saver. We too had 5am waking every single day no matter when he went to bed. I added 5 minutes to it every few days until it got to 6am...DS barely noticed the increments.
I would highly recommend this. Even now, as a 7 year old, we still use it even though he can tell the time etc.

Oh op. I promise you, you're not alone.
I have two dc under 5. I look around my house wondering why it's not tidier. I'm up from between 6 and 7 every morning (the latter only because I ignore the screaming from the baby who a split second later is singing to himself) 🙄
I do breakfast, get me and elder dc ready to go out to school, leave baby in pjs. Out the house by 8.30. Come home, play then settle baby for nap (just gone down now) baby sleeps and I either wash up or flake out on sofa. I'm too knackered to do major stuff. When baby wakes up, I do lunch, more play, maybe nip to the shop (because I haven't meal planned properly or ordered food or milk to last, it slips my brain), then to the school, home for snack, prepare dinner and then a little play before bath and bed at 6 for both dc. By 6.30 I'm on the sofa exhausted and wondering if it's too early for bed.
Rinse and repeat daily. My mum comes over and berates me for my house not being spotless.
I suffer with mh issues, so struggle anyway. I am a lone parent too.

I take no help, even when it's offered- but that's my hang up. Only one dc goes at the weekend, the other stays with me. I still consider myself more fortunate that you op.

Your dh is behaving in an unforgivable way. You actually would be better off alone. You'd get rest periods.

So today please do two things-

1. go to see a dr. A different dr to the one you saw before. Tell them how you're feeling, in the very real way you expressed here. A low dose of setraline helps me feel more human. Imo you would benefit from a more sympathetic dr and possibly a low dose (to start with) antidepressant medicine.

2. tonight you must sit your h down. Tell him exactly what this is going to you. That him saying he works more/ longer/ harder than you is an absolute insult and without his help, you will be separating. He is not a loving partner to you if he sees you suffering like this and does nothing to support you. They're his kids too ffs and his home too.

Longer term, keep posting here. And see about going to children's centres, join a gym with a crèche for a break (sometimes I just go to the cafe in the centre instead of the gym and have an hour or two to myself!)

Sending

You aren’t the only one OP.

I chucked in the homework, housework and endless fucking cooking and food prep yesterday and took the kids out for the afternoon. The house is now a shit tip - I hate starting the week like that but I needed a break. It was sunny and we had fun and I now feel I can get back to the drudgery of the week.

Look after yourself and tell your OH to step in and lighten the load

It really does get easier, OP. We had 5am starts with DD2 for about a year, but that never happens now thankfully. She does however come into our bed, and I no longer worry about it; she's 5 now and she'll grow out of it.

You really need to think about how much of the childcare your DH is doing; they are 50% his responsibility. How dare he make negative comments about your body, so not on!

op your dh is really not doing enough to help.
My DC were both early wakers, esp my youngest the first kids awake (normally baby) got whipped straight into our bed at first sign of waking and generally dozed with us for an extra half hour/hour until the big one woke up. Then the TV in our room went on with some toys on the floor by our bed and I got to doze while they played.eventually they both just started waking a little later (6/7 rather than 5.30 latest)
Knackered by 7.30?kids asleep?quick bath/shower, get clothes and things ready for morning and go bed. Fuck EVERYTHING else for a week and just get some extra sleep.
Or In the day have a bath/shower with the kids or stick them on bathroom floor or in cot with iPad (in a sandwich bag to avoid splashes) chocolate ANYTHING to keep them quiet for five minutes. Same again while you dry/style hair/do make up. It's not really "me" time but if I didn't get those few minutes a day to feel like I'm putting myself together a little bit id go insane. My dh works long shitty shifts but 99% gets up with kids, chucks some toast at them and some juice at them with cartoons and I doze until the last possible minute.
If you can get the cleaner back
If u can't after your week of doing minimum getting more sleep do one room at a time. And focus on keeping it that way for a week until it becomes routine (bed room was my first purely so I could lie in bed with them pottering around with no fear ,then bathroom -smallest room-kitchen living room).
See a different Dr. Tell your dh straight, but calmly, don't hold back.
Can you afford a night away or stay with family/friend ?a bit of distance/space might help with the sheer relentless pressure. My dh isn't perfect but he helps and at least once a week he either takes kids for a drive/see grandparents/shop for an hour. Most of the time it's just so I can cook/clean but it's heaven to do chores without anyone around

I am married to this guy. We also discussed divorce when LO was smaller and wouldn't sleep. The idea of every other weekend off was wonderful.

One morning I thought - stuff this! Herself yelled at 4:30am and I got up and dumped her in bed with hubby and went back to her bed. He moaned but as I pointed out we could do one day each alternately or I'd just sit in the bedroom with her and keep him awake EVERY morning. He still hates it (she is 6 and now it is only 7am not 4:30am!) However I stay strong. One weekend morning he gets up, one I get up.

The extra sleep REALLY REALLY made all the difference. Just wake him up every time you get woken up. Every single time. Until he finally grovels to only have to 50% of it. Then get a few decent nights sleep under your belt. What is the worst that can happen.. he leaves?

Remember why you wanted kids. I assume there was a reason.

Take each day (and night if you have babies) as it comes. If it’s been a crap day, just write it off as a crap day and start fresh tomorrow.
Don’t sweat the small stuff (which is easier said than done when you’ve had incessant whingeing in your ear for hours, I know), have regular breaks.

DH and I both appreciate time alone and we take it in turns to take the kids out the house alone so the other can get a rest. We share housework 50/50 and meal cooking 50/50. We have set nights for set ‘chores’ and the routine works really well.

When I’ve had a really tough day when the kids have screamed non stop and DH has done very little (for whatever reason) I find it hard not to simmer with rage. I also do the night feeds as DS is BF and refuses to take a bottle. He is 8 months and was up 4 times last night. The simmering rage was there again. And there have been many moments where I feel I hate DH. It helps to try and surpress the resentment and hate and put things into perspective a little. It’s taken me 4 years to hone the art of doing this mind

Find friends who’re honest about motherhood. I have no time for people who claim they love every minute of parenting. My favourite friends are the ones who I can sound off to and they won’t judge me for slagging off my kids.

Your partner needs to get a wake up call on the fact that you work too, but without the advantage of any breaks or commute time - I remember hating DH for having the luxury of picking up a coffee and paper for the morning train every morning while I was showered in sick (DS2 had chronic reflux) fending off the screaming.

If you can't get through to him with a really direct, blunt conversation, then you might have to try going away for the weekend and leaving him to sort them out with a long list of what you'd be expected to do during the day while caring for them. then come home and ask him if he still doesn't think that's work that you're doing 24/7 and still doesn't think it's reasonable for him to pull his weight.
Also, make sure you'r enot short of money. That was almost breaking point for DH and me. He kept 'forgetting' to give me any. Some months I survived on child benefit once my maternity pay had stopped . It was a really hellish time. DH didn't mean to be mean, he was just clueless and I was too knackered and silently boiling over to explian things in a civil manner to him. But we did work it all out. It's the hardest time in any marriage.