To think this is shit. If you're a happy mum... how?

[upsidedown2017]

I don't know what my expectations of parenthood were but I am absolutely sick to death of it and want to switch the off button. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Constant sickness Sept - April.

Sleepless nights continuously for the past 2 years. Daily 5am wake ups every single day of my life.

Have aged dramatically within 5 years and gone from being reasonably attractive and put together to a haggard mess.

No holiday or weekend day out has been remotely enjoyable.

Whinging, whining, constant demands.

House is a pig sty. Endless endless housework and food prep.

No money.

Husband no longer finds me attractive & marriage essentially over.

I asked the GP for antidepressants and he said no for now, wait until youngest is at nursery, things might settle down etc.

Where do I go from here? I feel like walking off a cliff or running away.

If you are a happy mum in a happy marriage please explain how the hell. Our family life is absolutely shit. I assume other mothers face the same as what I've described above so how do you remain happy and positive?? I just don't see how!

Go back to your GP.

Motherhood is hard but there should be at least a couple of things you enjoy/look forward too. I really don't think your children or your house are the problem, I think you have gone in way too deep without help and you're suffocating under your own life

I am so sorry you feel this way, OP, please get help, it will be worthwhile x

In answer to your question:

How am I happy and a mum?

DD is only five months so it could drastically change when she starts walking, talking etc, BUT it's really enjoyable at the moment. DD is lovely, still sleeps quite a bit but not too demanding yet. I do get bored though. I've also let myself go but DP still finds me attractive; I can't imagine how I'd feel if he didn't so I do feel for you a lot. Housework isn't a priority right now. Bedroom is a mess, the only things I keep on top of are dishes and bathroom. I can't manage it all, DP does chip in.

I'm sorry you feel this way OP, it must be awful and depressing. Go back to the GP and say you need help now. I really feel for you

Both my two woke at 5.00 am until they dropped their naps aged 2. My DH didn't help much due to health problems. I found I could snooze a bit in early waking child's bed while she played quietly in her room.

I found dragging a baby and toddler to nursery when I had been up in the night then started the day at 5.00 hellish. Working probably saved my sanity though.

My DH has always praised me to the heavens as a beautiful wife and fantastic mother when I was clearly neither. He wouldn't moan about the house being a mess or eating oven chips yet again. He always pulls his weight health allowing and makes sure I have time for myself.

Holidays and days out were same shit different view but I have great memories despite the grind. Working part time made me enjoy the time with the demanding monsters much more.

OP you need a break.

Your husband's being a wanker. Simple as that.

I only manage because my husband is very supportive.

OP - do you have the energy to de-clutter your house? Just be very ruthless. Hire a man with a van and just shift stuff out. Make some space to breathe and you may find that you don't feel like the whole thing is weighing down on you. Clutter can affect your mental health, regardless of tiredness or anything else.

Try and look on the positive side (I know it's easier said than done). You have your kids - they are healthy and so are you. God forbid any of you ever became ill, but if you did you would look back on this phase of your life and want to get it back.

10lbs of weight is not much to lose. You could lose 5lbs in a week. The hurdle is having the energy to get started. But it is definitely achievable.

Tell your husband you feel you have "lost" yourself. For the sake of your children and your marriage, you need to get yourself back. Find a way to give yourself headspace - on a Saturday just go out and do whatever you please, just you. Check into a hotel, order room service, whatever? Go on a detox weekend. Remember what it's like to not be at the kids beck and call 24/7. Put yourself in a different environment.

Nobody will do this for you. Your husband obviously doesn't get it because he is not living your life. Do it for yourself and if he's got any sense he will see that for the family to be able to function, you have the be functioning.

Things won't be like this forever.

Just to say my oldest started to do the 5 a.m wake up call, when we stopped daytime naps then he slept in later. by the time he was school age I couldn't get him out of bed! Constant shouting uptthe stairs @ are 'you up yet? You will be late for school!!!!'. I agree your husband needs to do more practical stuff, mine never really was good with them when they were babies but once they were school age it changed so he 'knew' what to do. if your husband won't help then be 'ill' for a few days so he has to get his act together, hard I know but it might work.

My DS was and early riser ( still is now 10) ..Sometimes you have to just go with it. I think you need a night out..Stay with friend family..He will have to get up with little one.

Somethings do get easier with time.

I am a LP and actually it is easier been on my own than an unsupportive husband. I do have less washing, I cook for only myself and DS. I found life much easier without my EXH..That siad it is much harder than having a supportive DH.

I had a friend who once saw a therapist...She would get so upset with her DH not helping in the house...The therapist said your response to the situation is the same every time and you are not getting the results you want.

It sounds like neither of you want this relationship..So I would be either going to counselling, or seperating..

I grew up in a large unhappy house...My DS has grown up in a much smaller house and I would say has a happier childhood.

The other thing I would say is don't assume the bigger and more expensive mean more loved. My DS was talking to his friend when they were about 4 in the car..Once child had been on 3 holidays abroad but my DS had been to a caravan...Both boys agreed my DS was the lucky one because he stayed in a caravan.

I actually think you would be happier alone. You sound dispondant of anything changing with your partner.

When things got shit:

1. I got selfish. DH has the kids and I did what I wanted. Visited the library, hair cut, clothes shopping, cinema, whatever. I. Wanted. No arguments. No buts. DH wholeheartedly agreed and supported this, but if he hadn't, I'd have just gone the divorce route so he can have them 50-50 and I get 50% of the time to myself. Win win.

1. Reclaim yourself. Seriously consider returning to work and putting the kids in childcare. Don't say YOU can't afford it, it's a shared cost. Your husband has children and your husband's children need childcare. He pays. You both pay. It's not solely your responsibility to pay for childcare. When are they in free-hours nursery? Send them. Then pay for extra. Get some time back for yourself.

2a: I read a really interesting study about housewives in the 60s and 70s which found that while they were anxious about homes, chores, food prep and other domestic matters when they were at home, when they returned to work or got jobs they were able to shift their perspective outside the home onto honestly 'more important matters', therefore household chores became less important to them and no longer caused great anxiety. When your whole life is pretty much waking up, cleaning up sit and hoovering, you do begin to operate on a scale of all cleaning being of major importance. Having other focuses in your life will allow the little stuff to go back down to being little stuff. Right now you don't have little stuff. It's all big stuff. Other focuses bring structure.

1. If they can't keep their toys in order, bag them up and put them in the shed/garden/skip until they learn. Life's too short.

1. Put 'being attractive to lazy husband' at the bottom of the list of priorities. Make yourself feel better about you.

1. Don't co-sleep, good god, that'll make everything worse, you'll be kicked to death all night and the kid will still wake at 5am. Inform your child the rules are changing and they can't leave their room or make a noise before 7am. They can keep quiet, read a book or whatever, but they don't make a freakin' noise. Naughty step, toy removal and various other discipline measures to enforce this. Sleep deprivation is massively serious and will shatter your mental health and eventually kill you, so really get tough on this. It's not 'normal' parenting to have non-babies squawking at 5am.

1. Nothing wrong with a decent ready meal a few times a week til you're back in your groove. M&S Tuscan Sausage pasta feeds both kids for £4 and 20 mins, job done.

Your other half seriously needs to pull his finger out of his arse and pitch in, it's your joint baby, not just your child, tell him pitch in or you stand a real risk of losing both of us.

Early morning starts mean you have to got to bed early, lots of baby/toddlers are larks, but he really must do his share of early mornings, help with housework etc in order to give you a breather.

Do the basics of housework daily ( wash pots, cook, vacuum a couple of times a week, laundry, wipe a cloth around the bathroom) it's a fact that having a family does change your life and that includes how much time you can dedicate to housework and sleep.

Have another talk with your GP and do try to find at least ten minutes every day for a bit of "me time". Colouring is very therapeutic, try it after you have settled your child down for the night and make it clear to OH that tonight he is on full time parent duty and can make his own cup of tea. Easier said than done I admit, but it's a sad reality check that parenting and running a home are two hard jobs.

I echo the returning to work option and M&S ready meals. To train your DH do the supermarket shopping at the weekend and leave the kids with him. Have a nap in the car. He isn't going to listen to you. You need to change your approach.

If you are going to return to work you work during regular working hours with the DC going to a CM or nursery. This isn't about you taking on more. Your hours should not be outside of his.

Not sure all this threatening the husband with this and that is going to help. Sounds like he has checked out to me. Parenthood isn't for everyone. I can take or leave most bits. Whilst there are good parts, My eldest (adult) annoys me and my youngest drives me up the wall! It's no picnic having kids. I get around this by finding things for me to do that don't involve them!

OP, whatever the cause you are definitely suffering with depression and you need help NOW. I 100% agree with seeing another GP, not that same idiot you saw before.
To answer your question - I'm a parent and have been in different circumstances. I had the useless husband throughout pregnancy and the baby/toddler days. Then I was a single mum for a few years. Now I have a lovely husband and am pregnant with my 2nd. DS is now 7yo and I have full custody.
I have generally always been a happy parent, I have very strict bed times (7pm), use a gro clock and DS is not allowed to wake me up before it goes off. I use consequences when it comes to discipline and DS is very well behaved (of course he does the usual kid stuff, that's just kids).
I love my son with every possible piece of my soul, I truly do. I love being his mum, I love his shout of 'Mummy!' when he spots me in the playground. I love his morning cuddles, and the silly games he plays and how he tries to sneak extra bed time cuddles out of me.
By 6.45pm though, I'm so ready for bed time. And if I didn't put him to bed, I might just squish him!
I've not always loved being a mum. I had PND after the birth and I found no joy in anything. I just wanted to leave, maybe run away, maybe kill myself? Kill the baby? I tried to work out any scenario to get back to happiness. In the end, anti depressants and slowly improving things that I found hard got me back to being me. The sleep thing is key though, its so much easier to think clearly if you've had enough sleep.
Lots of hugs xxx

Also, a friend of mine with lazy husband switched the baby sleep times, so the baby went to sleep at 10pm, got up at 9ish.

It meant that lazy arse husband got more time with the baby when he got home, she would then relax, and get a small lie in. Baby happy. Adjusted fine for school. Win win!

Also you are not getting enough sleep. That in itself is a form of torture. I had a DH with VIPitis who didn't think he had to help out at night while I was on leave. The baby would be screaming and I stayed in bed fake sleeping. After 5mins he would prod me to go tend to the baby. I gave him a prod back and mumbled your turn before fake sleeping. He eventually got his rear end out of bed. Now he tends to most of the night time crying. I'm a deep sleeper.... so he tells everyone.

My two are older now (8 and 3) and I would say that I am mostly happy, most of the time with my lot - which is almost full time work, in a job which very much secondary to my DH's while still being pretty stressful.
I manage it only because I have a supportive DH who puts in a lot of effort when he's not at work and because my mum doesn't mind me ranting at her when things get too much.

Once a week give them something quick out the freezer for tea and have a take away/nice meal with dh after they've gone to bed.
Agree that at the weekend one of you gets Saturday lie in the other gets Sunday.
We let the housework pile up a bit. We clean the kitchen/bathroom frequently and vacuum every couple of days but we only do a really good deep clean once a month of if we have guests. Stick the dcs in front of the TV for a Saturday morning and blitz the housework. Older dcs can help. My 3 yo loves cleaning windows and dusting.

I think most people have felt like this at one time or another. The truth is the day to day drudgery of parenting is shit.

Definitely back to the GP - that other one can fuck off. If things do lift when the youngest is at nursery well great you can come off the antidepressants then.

Are you working? If not, consider going back. I'm not slagging you off, I'm a SAHM, and it's no good for the self-esteem. I know it feels like you'd just be doing everything PLUS a job but you may feel more justified in leaving stuff for DH to do if you're working.

sorry you're feeling like this.

I think part of the issue is that you are trying to be happy in a situation where it's not really possible to be happy - slaving while another person rides on your back is just totally shit and you shouldn't feel happy about it.

Your H needs to stop being a useless waste of space or get the fuck out.

I took up tennis.
It seriously saved my sanity.
17 years later I am still playing and whilst I've lost my "mum" friends as our children grew up/changed schools/moved, I have my tennis girls and have met more friends through playing than anything else I do.

Even to this day everything gets arranged to avoid my tennis days.

When they were little, housework I did the minimum, we were constantly out if the weather allowed it. Food we ate not particularly brilliantly but well enough, once I had both in full time cooking for the family became and still remains enjoyable.

My youngest was not a good sleeper, it was hell for years and I felt in such a fog, until Y3 she would wake in the night (not for long but she'd come in to see me to put her back down) I was finding even when she slept through I would still wake as it was such a routine.

We laugh off her sleeping habits now "do you remember mum when I'd come into your room and just stand by your bed striking your atm until you woke up?", bloody right frightened the heck out of me!!!!

Btw my husband was worse than useless through the younger years, he's however far better at dealing with them through their teenage years than I am, find myself deferring to him as the constant drama wears me down too easy, he stands firm and takes none of their shitfests so I think we as parents have our strengths.

*stroking not striking

I would say, yes, it is mostly shit - especially at your stage. It does get easier when they are both at school but the time while they're at school goes by so quickly. Then it's after school that is shit because you have grown used to doing your own thing at that time and their behaviour tends to be at its worst at 4 because they are tired and hungry. Your DH will have even less sympathy because you have had them 'off your hands all day.' It is quite likely that you will be doing some sort of paid work some of the time, too, so you may not be refreshed from having them at school at all. You'll just pick them up knackered.

On a serious note, I would try to set aside some time for you. I know it's a cliché but it is true. When mine were as small as yours, I did not want to do Pilates or get my hair done (sorry to those who've suggested it - different things work for different people). What I really wanted and struggled to get through to my DH was to be in my house in total peace and quiet and listen to the clock ticking and drink a steaming cup of coffee, maybe lighting a few candles to set the scene, look at a good book. I did not have the energy for a traditional hobby, much less a night out.

I know your DH will say it's the last thing he wants when he gets in but I think while it is reasonably light and warm, maybe he should take them somewhere for an hour so you can recharge.

I promise it does get better but there are still times when it is shit despite what other mothers will tell you and times when you miss your freedom. The nicest age by far is primary (7-11). The worst is probably around now but there are good bits like the fact that they think you are good even though you may look and feel like shit and feel like murdering someone. The teenage years are very challenging - like a 2nd toddlerhood with swearing but, when they are calm, you can have some interesting conversations and develop more of a grown up bond. Hang in there. You are doing better than you think, I am sure.

You would be better off as a single parent- you basically are one in all but name. And as someone else said, assuming an EOW/e arrangement, at least you'd then have every other weekend off to rest and catch up on sleep.

It shouldn't be this hard. it's not fair on you.

Finding mates. Really good Mum mates that I could get drunk with and share the crap days with.

Going back to work - stressful but in a different way, saved my sanity.

DH staying home for a bit as primary carer. He finally "got" it. OMG this is hard, thankless work - and he started helping. Not sure I'd still have a marriage otherwise.

Making plans and sticking to them - putting fun things for / by myself in the family diary and protecting them at all costs.

Getting private counselling - helped me sort out some unrelated marital stuff, but also the guilt of being a Mum who travels loads for work.

Antidepressants helped me massively!

Other than that: nursery a couple of days a week (my DD started at 7 months), a part time job so you have a break, daily exercise (brisk walk with buggy or exercise bike during toddler's nap), making friends at toddler groups and going on days out. Also lowering my expectations about having fun!