To think this is shit. If you're a happy mum... how?

[upsidedown2017]

I don't know what my expectations of parenthood were but I am absolutely sick to death of it and want to switch the off button. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Constant sickness Sept - April.

Sleepless nights continuously for the past 2 years. Daily 5am wake ups every single day of my life.

Have aged dramatically within 5 years and gone from being reasonably attractive and put together to a haggard mess.

No holiday or weekend day out has been remotely enjoyable.

Whinging, whining, constant demands.

House is a pig sty. Endless endless housework and food prep.

No money.

Husband no longer finds me attractive & marriage essentially over.

I asked the GP for antidepressants and he said no for now, wait until youngest is at nursery, things might settle down etc.

Where do I go from here? I feel like walking off a cliff or running away.

If you are a happy mum in a happy marriage please explain how the hell. Our family life is absolutely shit. I assume other mothers face the same as what I've described above so how do you remain happy and positive?? I just don't see how!

I reckoned if my DC slept I could cope a lot better somfrom the word go we were tough. No co-sleeping, ever. Very minimal contact between sunset and sunrise and if they cried a bit then I shut my ears. I also stopped fb at 3 months and had two good sleepers thereafter.
What really saved me however was going back to work pt at 4 and 5 months respectively. I worked for nothing for many years, but my god it was worth it. We had no family help and I would have gone bananas otherwise. They're teens now and none the worse. Your needs are no less important than theirs. And your DH needs to step up. Threaten him with fifty fifty residency in the case of a split, that should shake him up!

No advise. I just feel you. Try to concentrate on the magical moments the kids bring. X

I disagree with those saying strict routines are the way to go, they are for some people but not all.
I enjoy motherhood and have a happy marriage, my tips would be to not put too much pressure on yourself, be laid back. Be grateful for what you have and remember why you love each other.

If you feel you are suffering depression seek a second opinionz

I think strict routines can be counterproductive too. You can get even more stressed when they fall apart. DD goes to bed easily and without stress when she's the right amount of tired but can be a little ratbag if it's too early or late. The point where she's the right amount of tired isn't always at exactly the same time and we don't worry about that.

I am a ftm of an 11.5 week old. I feel for you, it sounds horrendous. I have been struggling with some of the things you've described. My personal solution has been to get a cleaner. Could you afford to do this? I'm on mat leave so we cant afford it for long, but until the end of the year.

It will be one thing off my plate and male me feel a bit better about things. Hope things start to look up for you soon.

I can totally relate to what you say! However, I had a great doctor and after dc2 I started antidepressants which have been brilliant. I feel like my old self and have a sense of humour about it all. I am more positive and whilst I still shout and silently swear a lot I feel happier. Please go to the doctors- another one- as you can't carry on feeling like this. I enjoy my children now and wish I'd acted sooner with dc1. Good luck!

Going to sit down and have a good read, thank you. Those of you on low dose antidepressants... which one has helped?

I'd get rid of stuff. Much less to tidy. You really don't need tons of kids clothes, toys or kitchen items.

Use the 5am wake ups to be a dog walker of something. Used to walk mine and.DS before 7am. A routine does help and could make you money.

Oh that's interesting! Would love to make use of the 5am - 7.30am time slot!

I think you sound like your doing a brilliant job. See a new doctor as soon as you can x

I'm on sertraline, I'm finding it very helpful, OP. I was prevented on fluoxetine, but that made me too lethargic, which isn't good with little ones.

You need to talk it over with the GP.

OP I really feel for you. Motherhood and lack of sleep can be really tough. I think the source of your real problem is your relationship, or lack of, with your husband. Have you tried marriage counselling? Were you in love before you became parents? It just sounds a really sad situation and I would want to fight to get back to the good relationship if possible (and if it was one).

Yes we were in love before having kids. We had a good relationship. There just isn't any time for 'us' anymore. Kids go to bed by 7/7.30 but I go to bed not to long after!

I'll go back to the GP and see what they say.

I think more than anything it's the constant illness through the winter. I literally can't face another winter dealing with it all and the sleepless nights that go with it. I find it all so grim 😔

It sounds like you are carrying everything here. Literally and metaphorically. I have four and totally can relate.

All the above advice is great. Most important thing is trying to find some you time. Some time to breath, to think, to relax. So hard with kids. Just remember that it won't always last. It really won't. I had three in three years then one day they were all in school and I had 6 hours or silence and stillness. I can't tell you where those years went.

What helps me is finding a hobby that was just for me. It doesn't always involve leaving the house. I started writing short stories and dabbling with novel writing. Other friends do crafts or start learning something. Take your mind off the hum drum and create something that is just you, just yours. Or you could take a class, just once a week. Tell your DH you need some you time. Adult ed is great and everywhere. Maybe it's not for now but start thinking about something that you have always loved and wanted to pursue.

What is going on with the marriage too op? is there anything left there? how do you know he no longer finds you attractive. I'd have a think about this too. If you have a shit wing man nothing is going to get easier.

Lastly, change GP's (request different doc) if you are still not getting any help. Please don't feel like you are alone and there is nothing for you. I am a bit shocked the doctor wanted you to wait when you have gone asking for help.

It will be ok op. Family life is hard hard work but you have this and you are going to be fine. Hugs

OP, can I ask what's the longest time your OH has ever looked after the kids by himself?

@LannieDuck - for one day around 10am - 5pm. So not even a full day dealing with bedtime etc. He has done bedtime with both of them a few times but no problem as littlest doesn't mess around for dad.

I'd love to disappear for a long weekend (4 days would do it) but not sure where I'd go or what I'd do! Need to research

@septembersunshine - he isn't an abusive or cruel person so has never said anything negative towards me about my appearance, it's more the fact I can't remember the last time he said anything positive and there is no physical affection whatsoever.

I've been trying to implement some tips from this thread. I really need to focus on myself and rebuild my life after having kids. All I can do is block out my marriage for now as I'm in no position to tackle it.

TL;DR: Definitely go away for the weekend and leave him to look after both kids by himself.

It's hard to tell from across the computer, and he may be selfish, uncaring etc etc, but it's also possible that he may simply not realise how hard and unrelenting it is to take care of two small children. (Which doesn't forgive him not listening when you tell him how hard it is, of course.)

I used to be a Rainbow leader, I did work experience in a school, I was an activity leader at a local holiday camp. I thought looking after two kids all day would be easy. None of it prepared me, and I ended up bordering on depression at the end of my second mat leave. And that was with a supportive husband who did the majority of the cooking and got up at 6am every morning to take the kids without fail.

We both work part time, and we both say that going into the office is a break. You get the change to go to the toilet by yourself, or make a cup of tea when you need a 5 min break, and at the end of the day you feel as if you've achieved something and you have value.
Is there any chance you can get a part-time job? Going back to work made so much of a difference to me.

I think if you've never been a SAHP yourself with young kids, you can't understand the constant unrelenting pressure of children. Your OH needs to experience it, combined with the sleep deprivation of looking after them overnight, to properly understand.

You've hit the nail on he head - I've always been working on this and that achievement and since having kids it's the feeling of achieving absolutely nothing. It's that that makes me feel like I'm not living a full life.

Work is definitely a priority for me now but there are a lot of obstacles in the way. It's not that simple.

If it helps at all, mine are now slightly older, a bit less difficult, and I'm starting to see that they themselves are achievements :) They're just a very, very long-term project!

Totally get that it's not as simple as clicking your fingers and being able to work, and added to which, childcare logistics can be a nightmare.

Drugs of the prescribed kind

Get a new dr!!! Seriously to have said no to your request is just ridiculous.

Are you taking any time for yourself? Even a walk and a brew somewhere? Sitting in a library reading a book, taking a nap In a friends guest room, god anything that would take you away for a couple of hours at the weekend and let your hubby take the reigns a bit with the childcare at the weekend?

Can you arrange someone to come look after the kids for a couple of hours to help you catch up with the housework during the week?

Op I've only skimmed the replies, and there are some good suggestions and genuine support here.

I agree you need to pop back to the gp. See a different one if need be. Antidepressants can take up to 6 weeks to kick in, so it's important to not leave it too late. They should give you a little lift in motivation and optimism to tackle a few things.

My trick when it gets tough is to get out of the damn house. Down the beach, across a field, to the park... Whatever. Fresh air for you all and no looking at the mess.

And we ALL have days when we can't wait for them to go to bed. Treat yourself to an early night and get the sleep where you can

You say you had a cleaner before- could finances stretch to a mothers help? So more of a friend who helps you out with whatever you need that day, be it taking the children out so you can do some house jobs, or doing the house jobs so you can play... I was one whilst studying and the mother said the exact same thing: she couldn't face another winter doing it all alone as her children were often sick and infected her constantly too. She only paid me £500 a month but I was live in four days a week. Meant I could dress one and take them to school whilst she rested with the baby or vice versa. By the end of my course the children were that much older, slept better and her house was cleaner!

OP I've been there and emerged on the other side. Separated from exDP but so much happier.

I was on Sertraline for two years before we split and it really helped to level my mood and free me from that heavy black cloud. I really believe it reset my chemical balance because as I came off it I experienced a clarity of mind that I hadn't felt for years and knew I could not continue wasting my life away.

@ZoSanDesu - you sound fantastic. What a great help to that mother. We just can't stretch to that unfortunately 😔