To think this is shit. If you're a happy mum... how?

[upsidedown2017]

I don't know what my expectations of parenthood were but I am absolutely sick to death of it and want to switch the off button. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Constant sickness Sept - April.

Sleepless nights continuously for the past 2 years. Daily 5am wake ups every single day of my life.

Have aged dramatically within 5 years and gone from being reasonably attractive and put together to a haggard mess.

No holiday or weekend day out has been remotely enjoyable.

Whinging, whining, constant demands.

House is a pig sty. Endless endless housework and food prep.

No money.

Husband no longer finds me attractive & marriage essentially over.

I asked the GP for antidepressants and he said no for now, wait until youngest is at nursery, things might settle down etc.

Where do I go from here? I feel like walking off a cliff or running away.

If you are a happy mum in a happy marriage please explain how the hell. Our family life is absolutely shit. I assume other mothers face the same as what I've described above so how do you remain happy and positive?? I just don't see how!

Oh OP, just read your second post. My heart breaks for you. I can see how very difficult it must be to explain to someone who hasn't been in your shoes (like your DH, for example) why it's so hard.

I don't think there an answer you're missing. You obviously know what you're doing and are doing as much as you can, but you need some help. Somebody else might have a good suggestion for strategies for talking to your DH, as this is out of my experience, but I think you need to try and get through to him at any cost. He isn't doing enough, you are doing way too much and it's too hard on you. No wonder you feel down. THE WAY YOU FEEL IS TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE AND NOT YOUR FAULT.

Meanwhile as an emergency measure I would get another cleaner, one who is sympathetic and will tidy up for you as well as clean (mine have always done both AND done laundry AND ironing). Get them to come as often as you need/ can afford.

Again as an interim measure, could you get some childcare? Gym with a crèche might be a way to kill two birds with one stone. Or just a bog standard regular childminder?

Wishing you all the very best. You sound like you're doing an amazing job.

In thst case I don't think the problem is the kids. I think you need to have a conversation with your h with or without a counsellor present and if he won't do that tell him you want a trial separation. That'll either scare him into realising what a mess he's in or he'll walk away. Either way you'll know and won't be in the same situation.

As someone up-thread said, it's too much for one person (I am in awe of how single parents do it).

I second suggestion of cleaner and if part of their time is tidying , then so be it. You are paying them so whatever they do to make your life easier is a win.

And yeah, don't accept less than half the work from husband. I'm a man and am more than capable of doing any of the tasks my wife does. Once breast feeding is done there is no excuse for him not to do anything you are doing.

So he has to go to work ? Boo-hoo, you have to look after the children, he can darn well share the burden.

We have two kids and there are definitely hard days where I long for the life I used to have, but we made a joint decision to have kids and if I need me time then that can be once the kids are asleep, and I have had some time with wife. Essentially if me time (gaming for me) is that important to me then I need to sacrifice my sleep time for it, not time when I should be parenting and supporting my wife.

So yeah to me it boils down to - it took two to have the children , make the other party pull their weight !

Go back and see another doctor. Sleep deprivation is awful and definitely can contribute to depression but medication or counselling can help your low mood too.
Make a decision about your marriage, can it be salvaged or is it time to separate?
Go to bed at the same time as the children.
Your husband must get up with them at least once at the weekend, it's really not fair on you to do it every day.
Go out and get your hair done and once your finished go and get a coffee and sit and read a book for a bit before you come home.

Having kids is hard. But it's not as hard if you have a supportive partner.

It's harder if you have kids and a manchild though.

The relentless grind gets even more relentless when you chuck in a good dose of resentment and feeling inadequate and feeling unloved and unsupported by the person we chose to be the one who supports and loves us.

I would sit your dh down. Tell him what you have told us and tell him you need help. Starting with alternate lie ins at the weekends and holidays. You will be surprised how much difference knowing you have just one morning a week where you can pull the quilt back over your head.

And if your dh won't do that then ltb. Seriously. You will at least have a break eow then. And I bet everything else improves significantly. And I am not someone who says ltb easily.

This is pretty cool and cheap for storage. It is also constantly for sale on gumtree www.ikea.com/au/en/catalog/categories/series/27534/. We have it in the playroom. Boxes and more boxes. Initially we tried to keep it neat, so cars in one box, animal in another, but soon when I am fed up with the mess, it's box after box as I pick up.

Hair makes totally the difference, I agree. Try Mythique Oil and be sure to buy it in a hairdresser warehouse not a posh shop to save $$$

Buy 3 outfit that suits you. . This book is nice www.amazon.com/Get-Gorgeous-Twenty-One-Beautiful-Confident/dp/2080202650?tag=mumsnetforum-21 it gives good ideas on essential pieces for your wardrobe. I wouldn't say to buy it as 70% of the pages are useless, but on the 30% good points.

Now the food. You don't need the chocolate or biscuit to help you. Get rid of all and I mean ALL the rubbish in your kitchen cupboard, and the only treat you will have in the house is 70% or 80% dark chocolate. Buy some fancy tea and a beautiful mug / cup whatever you prefer, and when you need to indulge, you make yourself a nice special tea in your nice cup.
Be ready to be good to yourself, so have lots of orange in your fridge. A papaya you have peeled and diced and when you want something sweet you eat some spoonful, or my favourite, frozen blueberries. I eat them frozen straight out of the packet.
Eat and prepare real food for you and the kids, a rump steak with a nice lettuce, chicken breast and granted carrots, ....
Eat colourful and it will show on your face. Use a nice cream, according to your budget
Nivea blue tin
Boots N7 protect & Perfect
Nutria Lancome.
When the sun is shinning, 15 min to 30 min without protection to super charge in vitamin D, just to reach a slightly pink colour.

On the sleeping question. No teenager wakes up at 5 so you just need to survive a dozen years and I recommend you then go to bed with the kids . To DH, you share weekends. You do the Saturday call and get the lie in on a Sunday.

It is bloody hard work. It is tiring and frustrating . DO you have parents, sisters, PIL nearby? Can you request a special Christmas-In-September gift of a free afternoon? Pop at the local posh gyms and enquire about membership then ask to come for a one day (even a week) trial. And lounge in the spa or sauna / steam room, indulge in a 2 hour shower or even go for a energy charged class.

Keeping us together I think is the sheer upheaval & effort involved to separate. I have suggested it several times now (I know single mums will say different but on my darkest days the thought of every other weekend on my own with nothing at all to do, only getting out of bed and making a meal if I really want to has trumped any love left for the man!).

If I had more money I might have left already, as might DH, although he has mentioned that he couldn't bear to see the kids any less than every single day so perhaps that's what keeps him here? He would be far worse off than me if we separated - he'd have to do chores and he'd have to do childcare, school runs and homework on his days. My workload would be less. I think we both worry about how we'd afford to run 2 households rather than the one now. I worry the kids would prefer him as he earns a lot more than I can so would have the nicer house and holidays.

The other thing that's keeping me here is that sometimes I feel like it's all me - he'd say the same. That my expectations are too high (I really do want to live in nice house - I have lots of friends who have clean & tidy relaxing homes! Not necessarily fancy, just orderley and nice to be in). I have a friend who went through something similar and is no longer with DH. She regrets arguing/worrying/thinking about chores and the house ... now she's working full time again it's not her prirotity... it's the being in the house a lot that makes it grate on you.

I didn't grow up in a nice house. Well, it was a beautiful Victorian house full of character that is worth a fortune now but my mum never cleaned or decorated or otherwise made it 'nice' - I was too mortified to invite my friends round and it's always stuck with me. I think I have hang ups left over from that. I really want my kids to grow up in a nice enough house etc. I'm really affected but the environment around me now and would probably benefit from working full time now so I'm not here!

you and your dh are meant to be on the same team. You're meant to support each other. Does he not want that?
Why can't he change? If he wanted to, he could.
If you feel you can't talk to him, can you write him an email?
Write down how you feel without any negative references to him (that will just make him defensive) and suggest that you have a talk about what can make life better for you both. Don't focus on what's wrong as that would just turn into an argument - just what you both can do so you're both happier.

Your H is the problem here.

I hear ya! The montony of it all can take it's toll. I also think for me the mental workload is quite draining.
Op, I am starting counselling as my head can't take much more. My relationship isn't great either which is not helping.
Good luck, you are not alone x

Agree that DH is the problem. But. The early waking. Is this the child that will only go to bed easily if he has a short nap? What if you cut the nap altogether?

I remember feeling like this when my dc's were small, was tired all the time, felt old and fat, felt like they were always ill (one thing after another) and the constant whining and crying. I felt trapped and dh wasn't much help.

My dc's are now 11 and 13, I chucked Dh out a couple years ago, I joined the gym and got a couple new hobbies, both dd's are now at high school and more independent. I feel good about myself, I look better than I have for years. Those years of feeling trapped and unhappy now feel like just a small part of my life and I feel the future will be much better. I can't imagine having more kids and going through that again even with a supportive dp/dh. I don't think parenting is for me (it's not for everyone).

Things do get better as they get older, life gets better.

So what's the reason he can't look after his own children for one day when he's off work while you disappear off out to do something for yourself?

Take short cuts

Let them watch telly

Feed them fish fingers, baked potato, baked beans, some boiled broccoli

No need for food prep

Do a house clear-up/whizz for 30 mins every day, or other day, WITH your husband

Cut yourself some slack

It IS hard when they are little, but it gets better all the time

To adapt a MN saying, you don't have a motherhood problem, you have a DH problem.

My dh works FT+ in a truly stressful and responsible job, the sort of job where he gets a supplement for difficult conditions and when other people hears what he does they say 'wow, I could never do that'. When he's home he definitely does 50% with our three and sometimes more. I work PT from home for myself, also a complex and high-concentration job (different field), but very autonomously and no travel etc apart from rare trips. I do carry (a lot) more of the famous 'mental load', but that's more than made up for by the fact that I can happily leave stuff I hate, such as the food shopping, to him, 8 times out of 10 the bathroom is cleaned it's him, and if I don't get round to cooking or can't think what to, he'll come home, say 'never mind' and whip up pancakes or risotto.

I notice how you say your dh'll never change. But YOU've changed - lots - since having your children. You've adapted, you've sacrificed, you've researched and taken up all sorts of ideas to make things go more smoothly. Where's his contribution, his change, his adaptation? He's leveraging old (and, by now, obsolete) cultural patterns that assign women the responsibility for making things smooth for men, and has decided, for reasons best known to himself, that he's entitled to that. He's not, obviously.

I second the suggestion by pullingmyhairout. He needs to know you're serious and he mustn't be allowed to wear you down by emanating 'dislike'.

I feel for you, my DD did not sleep. have you ever thought of cranial osteopathy for DC? it worked for me & DD was 4 years old when I discovered, she slept better from then on.
I also decided part of playing is also picking up, so when they were finished with all those tiny bits/barbies fucking shoe, they had to have 5 minutes putting stuff away.
the ONLY thing P did was bath them while I made the supper. it was also the only time he saw them in the day.
he never, ever, got up to help at night, it really is the worst, but, do you have nobody at all who could come & help once a week, no parent, or in law, or friend?
Even if you just nip to the supermarket alone, it is calmer with no DC.
or go to hair dresser, or a siesta.
Get a cleaner again, apologise & say what the job is, "tidying & cleaning"
It will get better...slowly

It is fun. But it's also all those things you've mentioned. And when you just have those piled on without any of the fun, it's so grinding.

First, GP has been useless. Can you see another one at your practise? You may just need a short term boost to stop you from sinking any lower in mood.

Your DH needs to help. They don't unless they're told to, ime. Can you sort out a babysitter for one night a week (swap with a mate if you're hard up) and go out with him. Don't go for dinner or to the pub as these end up being miserable dates where you realise you have nothing in common any more except the DC. Find a comedy night above a pub, go to a film or to a gig. Start building some shared experiences.

We were at a similar sort of crisis point and we decided to block the weekend out into four hour chunks: Friday evening, Saturday morning, afternoon and evening, same on Sunday. Each of us would get one chunk of time entirely to ourselves to do what we wanted, no questions asked, but we'd agree in advance who had what time when.
That means you get to go shopping in town without him trying to get you to take DC, or you get to meet up with a friend or go to the gym. He gets to watch the match or go out with his mates. Another chunk of time is just two of you together without DC, so you need a sitter, and the rest are together as a family - two fun times and two busy times, so two to sort out washing etc, and two to go swimming or to the park, or put them together for a day out.

That sounds rigid but it really helped us. My sanity improved when I knew I'd get four hours alone to sleep in or go out or just think my own thoughts. It also gives you time to get your hair cut, go for a jog etc - do stuff to feel like a person again. But your DH has to be in on it and respect the timings, not go out till 3 am and then have too big a hangover to let you have your time in the morning.

The other thing I did that helped was make small, every day routines with Dc as fun as I could. Put your favourite music on during breakfast, not just endless bloody nursery rhymes. Get out of the house as much as possible - it's less of a pigsty if you're at the park and playgroup all day long.

Sorry, this is a long post, but I felt like you did - really ground down and depressed and we made some changes that really helped us through.

So what does your DH do on the weekends then? Does he just sit back, relax, lie in and let you do everything still?

BertieBotts is spot on and the OP's update makes it clear that the problem is 100% the DH. No, he isn't working harder/longer than you. Quite the opposite from the sound of it.

What a horrible feeling to think you are disliked by your husband. That phrase speaks volumes.

If you want a comparison to help you see how unfair your DH is being, my DH worked ft from birth of our DS. I am now ft but was pt until DS was 4. DH and I alternated dinner/bed every night since he was born. DH has shared night wakings every night since he was born. DH does the washing up, laundry, bins while I do tidying, finance and life admin. We still have shit days, feel exhausted and get annoyed with each other but we have each other's backs.

If you can afford it, get the cleaner back but add time for tidying and laundry. My friend did this and enjoys her time at home much more. But it doesn't change the basic fact that your DH still needs to show he is a loving, supportive and helpful part of the household.

Hetero your husband sounds gorgeous!

I don't understand why all these men I read about on here don't want to help their partners feel happy/relaxed/good about themselves. Surely it would only make his life better if you weren't miserable?
Last night I was exhausted and feeling a bit crap. DH made me dinner, I went for a bath and bed at 8pm and when I got up he'd done the ironing. Which means I've got up today feeling ready to take on the week with two pre schoolers.

X posts.

He wouldn't be able to work as much if you weren't always there providing the childcare, so that's a red herring. And I'm sure the kids will (and possibly do - what are their ages?) pick up on more than you know.

The 'nice house' thing - I still think your dh sounds a shit, but perhaps your expectations are a tad too high. (And assuming you grew up with both parents, you have assimilated the view that that was your mother's responsibility). It really matters a lot less than you think, you know. Our house is untidy-ish most of the time. Friends' houses range from immaculate to an immense proliferation of clutter. As long as it's clean (and by that I mean hygienic, not sparkling) and welcoming that is enough.

'Hetero your husband sounds gorgeous!'

:) He's not perfect by any means, but on the whole I am very lucky, yes (tbf, so is he )

Upsidedown you sound sleep deprived. For the next week get into bed for an hour while the Dc sleep and see if it helps. Everything seems impossible when you are sleep deprived.

My childhood home was similar, mum not a big fan of housework! Since DD arrived, we have a fortnightly cleaner just to do the jobs we both dislike such as cleaning the bathroom properly, the rest of the time I just keep it ticking over. My house may not be spotless but I'm happy for people to come.