Regale me with Cheeky Fucker stories

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

I'm stuck in bed feeling ill, bored and pissed off with the whole situation, AIBU to ask you to entertain me with your tales of CFs?

BTW daily fail and other websites/newspapers can fuck off, my fee for this piece of journalism is 2 million pounds and a takeaway pizza, non-negotiable so if you don't agree to those terms then kindly FTFOTFOSM

The only one I can think of at the moment is last year when a neighbour knocked at our house, we get on great with most of our neighbours but this one looks down her nose at everyone and keeps herself to herself. She told me that I needed to make sure I was home the following day I asked why and was told I needed to be in for the delivery wasn't my birthday and didn't have anything ordered so I asked what was being delivered and how did she know "oh it's not for YOU tinkly laugh no, its from laura Ashley you see" still none the wiser I ask who it's for then and why do I have to be in "well because they said it will be tomorrow and I have appointments! I will be getting my hair done and of course my nails, so I've told them to deliver it here" she then walked off leaving me with my jaw on the floor. I made sure I was out the following day and just put the we missed you card through her door when I got home, not spoken a word to me since, but that isn't unusual for her anyway

Had to do a namechange for this!

Not sure if it counts as CF material. DN's birthday party was a few days away, and asked SIL if she needed me to bring any special food over as I have special dietary requirements (food allergy), so to save her the hassle of having to shop for me. She said no, had bought plenty food I would be able to eat, but suggested (as in asked specifically) a few things we could bring over that so happens I cannot eat because she'd forgot to buy them herself. She was adamant I would have plenty to choose from.

Birthday day arrives. I was pregnant at the time and at the stage where you are constantly hungry, and would get the shakes and feelt ill if I didn't eat in a while. DH and I get to party, and hand over the bags with the stuff she instructed asked us to buy. When i was helping her put the food out two hours after the party had started, I asked which things were ok for me to eat. Turns out the CF SIL "forgot" to buy anything I could eat. There was literally not one thing for me at the party, even though the place was overflowing with food. Did make a point of reminding her in front of other adult family members how I'd offered to bring food I could eat to save her any hassle, and had said she already had lots of allergy friendly stuff and gave us explicit instructions on what to bring and was adamant I was not to bring anything for myself. She didn't even seem flustered or apologised when confronted. The CF bitch! I was starving and feeling ill at that point, so told DH what had happened. He tried to make an excuse for his DS but I wasn't buying it. He offered to go out and buy me something to eat and bring it back, but was too hungry to wait for him to return so just left the bloody party so I could eat something before passing out. She then went on to make a fuss to everyone that would listen about how I made her DB leave her DC's birthday party before the cake had been taken out.

Have learned my lesson and now I make sure to bring proper food I can eat with me whenever I am going to be anywhere where she's in charge of food. Apparently the CF feels "insulted" by this, even though most of the time there is nothing I can eat around unless I bring it

My CF story is very tame - a big group of friends on a meal out, big pot of pound coins for the top, CF scoops out a pile of coins from the tip to pay for her taxi home.

The MN one I want to know the conclusion to is the woman whose mother insisted on staying in the MNer's bedroom when she visited, but the MNer had to empty all of her and DH's stuff out of the room, including all clothes from the cupboard. There was a perfectly suitable spare bedroom and sole access to a different bathroom, but the mother insisted on a hotel experience with ensuite bathroom. The poor MNer would spend hours moving all her stuff from her own room to the spare bedroom.

When I was pregnant with DS1, DH’s friend’s sister in law, whom neither of us had ever met, invited herself to stay with us in our tiny onebed flat in central London.

Not too bad as we were young and often had people dossing on our pretty comfy sofa whilst they enjoyed the big smoke.

This lady was from North Africa and in her late fifties and was most perturbed by having the sofa and tried to insist that DH sleep on the sofa and she sleep in with me. We declined the offer.

After a week she had changed her plane ticket so that she was staying for 8 weeks not two. She then invited her 17 year old nephew from France to come and stay and do work experience... without asking us. First we knew of it was when she called DH to pick him up from the airport. She was very upset at having to share the living room with him and the lad spent all day and night watching porn and eating McDonald’s.

Despite giving the impression that she had plans for her visit, she was expecting to be entertained, shown the sights etc and would demand my attention whenever I was home, even sitting on a chair outside the bathroom door and talking to at me whilst I was showering.

After several weeks she decided that she actually wanted to come and live with us permanently and had concocted a plan by which we would pay someone to marry her to get a visa and then she could live with us and pay her as a nanny for DS so I could go back to work. She felt this was only fair as she hadn’t had the opportunity to marry and have children so I should understand and let her be “mum” to my child. I sent her home quite soon after that conversation.

To be fair I think she was mentally unwell but still premier league cheeky fuckery (the above is the edited highlights).

A strange colleague was flatsitting/catsitting for some people who were on holiday. Cat, while sleeping on balcony, rolled off, fell several stories and sadly died. The cat’s owners quite reasonably suggested my colleague get it cremated pending their return, but she decided this was not good enough and calling around everyone she knew asking if they had freezer space for a dead cat.

Just remembered the time we went out for a meal with the IL's (no special occasion, just everyone was free) me and DP have the biggest family, 3 kids and are not shy with money - went with full intention to pay a fair share more than everyone else. Was us, PIL, BIL + W & 2DC and SIL + H & 1DC.
DP and FIL and myself also like a good drink and had more than everyone else. The bill comes (over £200) and equally split would have been around £50 each but DP and I knowing we (and the eldest DC) ordered expensive and more meals put about £80 down without even thinking, FIL did the same. Then we had to sit there watching my BIL and SIL calculate their respective bills and put their money in (minus tip) then SIL picks all the money up to make sure enough is there, works out we're tipping over £40 -DP and FIL are tipping over £40- and takes £20 out giving half to BIL! Talk about fuming!
Now when we go out with them all, FIL makes a point of telling everyone what they are paying not a penny more or less, doesn't let anyone else touch the bill as he cant be arsed with 'money moaners' as he calls them. FIL and DP are the type who aren't arsed about spend, especially with family (so meals out, presents etc), so both hate that BIL and SIL are penny pinchers (SIL hasn't bought our kids birthday or Christmas presents for years as 'there's more of us' compared to her one child who gets spoilt rotten by us every year. And BIL sticks a tenner in a card 3 months later after we've bought their DC an expensive birthday present. But that's another story!)

@DickTERFin why on earth did you put up with that? I don't understand why you didn't tell her to piss off after she invited her nephew over.

Agree Queen! How ridiculous!
And caffeine why don’t you stop buying for their kids? Or tone it down and stick a tenner in their cards! Or say obviously you can’t afford decent presents so we won’t buy for each other or the kids again.

@Caffeineaddict994 “Why the bloody hell are you stealing the tip?” would be my immediate reaction!

DickTERFin please, please tell me you told that story here before and it's not ringing bells because it's happened to more than 1 person?!

caffine I totally agree that not tipping and then actually stealing the tip is beyond shit.

However, I don’t think you and your FIL should get to the point where you call them penny pinchers just because you’re happy to chuck in £80 but they want to work out the actual cost of their share.

My CF story is very outing but if DSIL is on here maybe it will do her good to read it!

We went out for a meal to celebrate my Grown up Niece's birthday.

There was me, my DH, my two DC and their partners. Along with my DB, DSIL who is niece's stepmother, and their three adult DC.

At end of the meal DSIL insists on tallying up the bill down to the last penny, even quibbling over who had an extra half a lager

My DH and I assumed we would pay for our lot and my DB and DSIL would pay for theirs as there were six in each family. But no, apparently she intended to pay for their 3DC, but turned to birthday niece to tell her she owed £x amount - clearly expecting her to pay for herself!!

After some incredulous looks from my side of the table my DD's 19-year-old BF slammed the money down for Niece's share because he was so outraged!

None of us could believe it and I lost a lot of respect for my brother that night that he allowed that to happen.

The icing on the cake was that birthday niece then drove them all home because they had had a drink.

My family all stood there open-mouthed as we just could not believe it.

We have refused every invitation to go out for a meal ever since and it's been over seven years!

I have a house in a very, very small Irish village, where I go every summer.

Last summer, there was a wedding at the church (a short way away from my house) parking at the church was limited, and so some CF guest, parked their car, outside my house, blocking my driveway entirely. We were due to leave to drive home that day, and we (my oh) had to go to church and ask for the person to move their car. The man was really angry we’d disrupted him watching his good friends wedding. Like we were going to risk missing a ferry!

Any links to the locked in the garden thread?

I have a few;

1. At my local supermarket you pay a £1 to park for 2 hours. You get a voucher to refund that £1 back off your shop if you spend a certain amount. So in essence it can be free to park. Quite often people pass on tickets to other drivers.

One day we offered ours onto a cf who wanted the voucher too. He was annoyed that we had spent it and was moaning about not getting his refund. He was even more annoyed when my dp took the ticket back and ripped it up

1. My dad goes to club nights about 15 miles away, he doesn't drink so drives there and often offers people a lift home if it's on his way. So usually the same people, who have all offered fuel money or to buy dad a coke. One couple took offence to this and demanded that they get a lift too. Dad says he can't as he's already giving a lift. Cf couple say no problem we'll wait for you to come back. They wanted my dad to drive 5 miles toward his house then turn back and take them 10 miles in the opposite direction. Got told to call a taxi.

1. My friend, who I worked with in a care home, had a regular Sunday evening shift which she could get the bus to but not home again as the buses stopped running at 5pm. Usually her dad would collect her but often worked away from home. Often I would help out as she was my friend and I was happy to do it.

One day she asked me, about a month in advance, to pick her up one certain Sunday. Checked my work schedule and realised that I wouldn't be able to as I was on a night shift that night and would be asleep when she wanted collecting so I said no, sorry I can't..she said ok. About a week before she said don't forget you're picking me up Sunday. I said no and reminded her why. Gave her the benefit of the doubt as she could have forgotten. The day of her shift she called work to say that she couldn't come as delta has let her down and is now refusing to come and collect her and it was too late to order a taxi. I got told off at work for leaving them in lurch, had to remind the silly cow manager that it was not my responsibility to get people to work and told her that friend had known a month. Cf friend got the sack and no longer speaks to me

1. Lived with my ex who was unemployed while I was working. (I know, I know) said he wanted to buy my laptop when I said I might buy a new one. We agreed on a price £50, was worth 2x that but he was my bf and wasn't working so agreed. Never received a penny. When he kicked me out to move the ow in I took the laptop with me and the cf moaned I was the unfair one!

Yes it was really fair when you were shagging some tart in the bed I paid for..arsehole

1. Different cf friend wanted me to drive 26 miles to her house to pick her up to go to the cinema 1 mile from my house. I said no and we arranged to go for a meal in her town instead. Checked that it was still on, she said yes, so drove to hers and she says she doesn't want to go for a meal now but since I'm here we can go to the cinema. Was most put out when I declined and went to McDonald's by myself

I have a few:

1. I worked for a few months at a fast food place when I was a student. I was scheduled to work "until close" which meant until we got everything cleaned up for the night. Before we closed we had a "pre-close" routine - someone on the evening shift would do a bit of cleaning and things so the close wouldn't take as long. One night that person didn't do a pre-close. We had to do ALL of the pre-close AND the close - and then management clocked us all out almost an hour before we left because they said we were taking too long!

1. I was working as a nurse in a remote community. This community is fly-in only. It was Boxing Day. Now, this community doesn't have a hospital, just a nursing station. The clinic was closed and my roommate was on call for emergencies. She got a call from someone in another community asking could she go and check if their glasses had come in. She said no and they asked could she just check. We couldn't believe it. The clinic was closed, this was not an emergency, and the flights for the day were canceled due to poor weather so the person couldn't get there anyway!

Loving this.

Tight arsedness (new word maybe!) is absolutely the worst trait in anyone.

I am surrounded by generous people now, I have learned my lessons over the years!

Many years ago I lived in a less than salubrious area of a city, and one of my neighbours was a very nice man who was unfortunately also a terrible alcoholic. One morning he was banging on my door at 5am shouting for help. So I went to the door to see what was wrong - he had run out of fags and wanted to borrow a fiver. I chucked him half a pack of Gauloise out of my handbag, to which he said “uuurgh! I don’t like these ones!” I pointed out that it was 5 fucking o clock in the fucking morning and if he was that fucking desperate, he’d take the fags and be grateful.
He never did it again, and a couple of days later I got a fiver through the door in a very profusely grateful thank you card.

I think that this one will top everything?

Some CF stole a single cd from a two cd case, that was for sale in a charity shop.

What type of fucker does that? The charity lost out, on some much needed cash.

Buggerit! I meant to add:-

"Yesterday I went to a charity shop and found that" before Some CF stole a single cd from a two cd case, that was for sale in a charity shop.

My sister's BF rings me before they buy anything, hopefully I may have it and save them money. Suncream, enevelopes, sanitary towels, glue You name it, I've been asked for it

I know one of those too. He owns two properties and drives a swanky car which he always wants to show off. Whenever he needs to buy anything he'll always ask around first. He got a local mentally disabled man to do his gardening for free because "he has more time in his day than I do". His garage is full of things with company names from every place he's ever worked at. And he acts so shocked if anyone asks for their property back! Once he helped me unblock my sink u-bend, then asked about every single item in the under the sink cupboard "Are you using this? I could use this..." I sent him off with a packet of j-cloths and half a can of WD40. We fell out when I won a guitar in a competition and gave it to my DD and when I told him he shouted "and what did you do that for?!" at me. He played guitar as a vanity side project ad so felt he deserved the prize more than my DD did...

The shocking CF part is that his swanky car was acquired from "an elderly lady I do jobs for." "What did you do for that?" "I painted her front gate, I checked her guttering..." and she wrote him a cheque for an expensive car... She died last year and he was blatantly gutted that his golden goose was gone.

I currently work with a man who is on a good salary and inherited a flat, so he has no mortgage. He is famously tight though, will linger around meeting rooms when he knows a lunchtime meeting is about to finish so that he can scoff leftover sarnies and has a small box on his desk that he fills with teabags and packets of ketchup and mustard that he steals from the communal kitchen and takes home so he doesn't have to buy any himself. He was most disappointed when work stopped providing biscuits at meetings as he likes a custard cream. It was at that point I told him to loosen the purse strings and spend 50p on a packet himself!

So DH works with someone and we were friends with him and his wife but the cf behaviour made us distance ourselves.

He asks DH if he wants to buy some tickets for a comedian as they can’t go now. I say yes as long as it’s not this one comedian I can’t stand. It is this comedian of course.

CF then asks if we can just buy them anyway and not go? Wtf
Fuck off.

I used to know a pair of cheeky fuckers.
They went to their friends’ son’s wedding but they had to drive because it was rural and they are too tight to pay for a taxi. To compensate for not being able to drink much at the wedding, they swiped a couple of bottles of wine as they left. The weirdest part was that they weren’t even embarrassed about it.
They also had form for showing up on the doorstep of vague acquaintances and expecting to stay. I was careful to never tell them where my parents lived as it’s a touristy place and I worried that they might turn up for a holiday.

A man I used to work with was tight as a duck's arse. He would only buy out of date reduced items and when it was his turn to buy the biccies for the office tin you'd know they were his because they'd be old, soft and stale! Part of our job was driving around in the evenings. He was the driver and whoever got paired up with him would be raging. Despite his fuel being paid he would put the bare minimum in and once or twice would run out of petrol and he'd have to walk for fuel, eating into the evening, wasting mine or other worker's time and money (commission based work) and not to mention leaving the partner that evening stranded by the roadside while he got a fiver's worth of petrol!
His car was off the road one day and the boss's wife lent him hers. With fuel (so he couldn't claim any that evening). They told him it needed some more water in due to a fault they were waiting to get fixed so he needed to go get a bottle as it would overheat (the office didn't have a shop nearby and they didn't have a container for the water)
As directed, he pulled up at a Co-op straight away and went to get water.
However, he came back grumbling that the water was too expensive especially as there was some out of date cola on sale for 20p. He used that.
The engine blew up. Of course he refused any liability and wouldn't fork out a penny.