Regale me with Cheeky Fucker stories

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

I'm stuck in bed feeling ill, bored and pissed off with the whole situation, AIBU to ask you to entertain me with your tales of CFs?

BTW daily fail and other websites/newspapers can fuck off, my fee for this piece of journalism is 2 million pounds and a takeaway pizza, non-negotiable so if you don't agree to those terms then kindly FTFOTFOSM

The only one I can think of at the moment is last year when a neighbour knocked at our house, we get on great with most of our neighbours but this one looks down her nose at everyone and keeps herself to herself. She told me that I needed to make sure I was home the following day I asked why and was told I needed to be in for the delivery wasn't my birthday and didn't have anything ordered so I asked what was being delivered and how did she know "oh it's not for YOU tinkly laugh no, its from laura Ashley you see" still none the wiser I ask who it's for then and why do I have to be in "well because they said it will be tomorrow and I have appointments! I will be getting my hair done and of course my nails, so I've told them to deliver it here" she then walked off leaving me with my jaw on the floor. I made sure I was out the following day and just put the we missed you card through her door when I got home, not spoken a word to me since, but that isn't unusual for her anyway

My ex-NDN and her brother had been doing up her garden and asked me if I had any room to spare in my brown bin (garden waste) as hers was full and there was still a lot to get rid of. The collection was the following day, my bin was nearly empty and I didn't need to use it so I agreed. DH and I then went out for the day.

When we got back, they'd filled our bin to the brim with rubble and topsoil. Unsurprisingly, it didn't get emptied. It couldn't even be moved. We complained, she apologised, but unfortunately her brother had left and she couldn't manage to shovel it out again so my long-suffering DH had to empty it.

Wow!!!

Before I moved in with my housemate, we discussed how best to sort things out in terms of our existing furniture, so we'd have a full house of useful stuff. We'd both come from broken relationships so both negotiating with exes about what to keep. She gave a list of various things she said she didn't have and I agreed to provide them.

Turned up and she pulled faces at everything I owned, then went over each piece saying doubtfully 'well ... it doesn't fill my heart with joy ... maybe we should take it to the tip?'

She then invited me to spend nearly a grand on a fancy bookcase she liked, to replace the bookcases I already owned, which she felt didn't pass muster.

I came back to the house after seeing the removal van off, to find she'd put her own pictures up on every single hook in the entire house, and had moved all of mine into a corner by the door.

Oddly enough I didn't buy the 1k bookcase. It doesn't sound mega cheeky in the scheme of things, but at the time I was nearly crying thinking I'd just left my lovely home and all my belongings were being treated like rubbish.

A town councillor applied to get planning permission to build a garage in my nans back garden. Funnily enough it was refused on the basis that my nan objected to him stealing a portion of her land.
Cf

Years ago I ran the newly built community centre for which we'd spent years fundraising. We raised all the money for contents too, so were thrilled to see everything being enjoyed by happy users ... until in one day I had calls from the playscheme, a seniors' group and someone running a teatime event to say tables, chairs, catering cookware/tableware and much more all seemed to be missing

After worried enquiry, it turned out that the local Scouts had organised a camp for the same week. Knowing all this nice new stuff would have been delivered, they decided to save themselves some hire fees by simply lifting the whole lot to take with them, leaving practically nothing for everyone else

A sizeable amount of it never came back, either ...

One of my best friends used to be a total CF when it came to money. She used to ask me to go out with her then when we were literally in the queue for a club would tell me she didn't have any money so I'd need to pay for her for the night out. I could deal with that because I would just make her pay next time we were out but then one time we'd been out for coffee afterwards I was heading to the supermarket and she said she needed some stuff so she would come with me. She did a full shop then when she had everything on the belt at the till told me she didn't have money to pay so I would need to pay for it. Not even asking just telling. Once when I was selling something on Gumtree she told me her mum was looking for the same thing so she would take it from me so that I wouldn't need to advertise it, she took it away with her and I never got a penny for something I would have sold for at least £80.

She is still one of my best friends but I don't stand for any of her shite with money now. Funnily enough she comes from a very wealthy background but her and her family have arguments over money a lot and despite her being a lovely person in all other aspects she's been raised with a really unhealthy relationship with money (although has gotten better as she's gotten older).

A builder came last week to quote and measure for an extension and moving some stairs etc. He and the architect were measuring the existing layout so I left them to it. As they were finishing up they were explaining where the new stairs would go. It was in the upstairs family bathroom. I went to open the door and he said "ooh don't go in there just yet, I've just been!" Not quite understanding in time I opened the bathroom door to be hit with the smell. The CF had decided he needed a shit and used my bathroom without asking! I've had so many workmen in my house over the years and both my Dad and brother are tradesmen. No one has ever just taken a shit whilst giving a quote. And been so open about it

My dsis, a few years ago she rang saying that her rent (£550) and the balance of her holiday (£500) were due on the same week and she couldn't afford to pay both.

So she asked to borrow £500! Both her and her dh were working & at that time both me & my own dh were unfortunately unemployed so i had to say no, i simply couldn't afford to lend that amount, she tried to say that if they had to give up on the holiday then my dneice would be heartbroken as it was a trip to euro disney.

I reminded her that dneice didnt even know about the holiday as they were doing it as a surprise for her birthday & that as her bday was still a few months away they would have time to sort out a different present.

I was accused of being selfish, told that families should always help each other etc etc, but eventually she got the message that i wasn't going to be lending her the money & hung up, i gave it a few hours and decided to send her a pm on facebook to say im sorry I couldn't help & that i didnt want to fall out over this, only to find she had blocked me

My not-so-DSis had me pay off her partner's car loan because they could no longer afford it and of course they wouldn't consider selling it. I only paid because otherwise she would have asked my parents, who were already giving her a monthly sum (and would have paid this too). She never thanked me but I get insulted every single time I see her. My mum still wonders why we don't get along (she knows all about this, just doesn't want to see it for what it is).

An acquaintance used to take her 3 (primary-aged) DC to school on the bus every morning. She used to run into the teacher of one of the DC on that particular bus.

So she decided that the teacher could take her DC to school as "she was going there anyway". She used to get the DC on the bus, sit them near the teacher, and then get off at the next stop with a cheery wave, leaving the teacher to babysit them on the bus and then herd them to school.

She managed to do it for about a week before the school put a stop to it.

This is a friend of a friend who I know slightly. In the last couple of years she's upgraded from her very nice semi to a large detached house with a huge garden, this is in one of the most expensive places to live in the UK outside of London. She didn't need the space, in fact her oldest child has moved out, she just wanted a bigger house. She's spent a fortune doing up the house and garden, both her and her DH are in employment and they've had a hefty inheritance too. Over the summer her DD did some kind of activity course, this woman discovered there was a fund available for people who couldn't pay the full amount for the activities. Somehow she wangled getting this money (around £200) then boasted that she'd use it for plants for her front garden.

My great aunt (grandmother's sister) turned up at my aunt's (grandmother's daughter) funeral with tupperware, and complained that her god wouldn't eat the food. Yes she brought tupperware to her own niece's funeral to bring food home for the dog!

I woke up this morning to find new neighbours have dumped a massive leather sofa in my front garden.

In my old house we had trellis at the top of our fence. I was growing climbers the aim being to grow the up the train them to the side so they covered the trellis.

My neighbour used to pull the ends of the plants through the trellis to the other side to grow down her side of the fence.

Family wedding. Most of my family were married by their early twenties but I was a late bloomer. My cousin put me (aged 30) at the kids table. When I questioned it with my aunt, I was told a) what else am I going to do b) someone has to look after them so the parents can relax.
We don't talk anymore!

@seizethecuttlefish I hope you encouraged E numbers and fizzy drinks.. how rude!!

Notoriously tight friend. She attended a party at another friend's house. Brought 3x mini wine bottles. Drank 1, together with gallons of the hostess's good quality wine. When leaving, she went into the fridge and took her 2 unopened minis back with her.

Neighbour often suggests a girls night in. She says she'll bring the wine (2 bottles) and I can get the Indian takeaway, including for her husband who is home with the kids. Never had that girls night in.

Works BBQ, all paid for by company. One woman piled food into a lunchbox and openly said she was taking it home for her dad's tea.

I worked part time in a pub and the chef was lodging with me while the staff quarters were being refurb'ed (therefore rent was being paid via the pub).

My batty old NDN at the time had taken a real shine to him - so much so that he used to peep out the front door and leg it down the road as she was a bit of an aggressive flirt and at a third of her age, he was absolutely terrified of her.

The CF moment really came when she phoned up the pub landlord and announced that he would now be moving in with her, and she would start collecting the rent immediately....

I was out of lunch with a colleague and a supplier who we knew well. We got chatting, over ran the parking and colleague got a £30 ticket. I suggested we pay £10 each. Later found out the colleague put the parking ticket through expenses and pocketed our cash!

I think CF behaviour winds me up more than anything. CF's lack dignity. Except for my cat, she's a highly dignified cheeky fucker.

The woman who bought my car. She turned up unannounced (we'd corresponded by text) and told me she wanted to take the car now.

Turned up with £200 less than the agreed price and said we'd have to drive to a cash machine to get it (think she was hoping I'd drop the price).

Decided that she was driving the car as it was "pretty much her car now". Once back him I had to empty all our stuff out (car seat/pray etc) and forge DH signature on the logbook as he was the legal owner.

CF then told me that she was leaving her old car on my drive. Drove off and rang me going down the motorway to tell me that she could hear a rattling noise and wanted to bring the car back.

Then refused to pick her old car up off my drive as it wasn't convenient until next week. I finally grew a psi, told her she had 4 hours to collect it or I could bounce it off the drive into the permit parking where she would get clamped.

CF really couldn't see why I was at the end of my teather! Told me I should have given her a warning that I thought she was being a pain!

BFF's big birthday, meal with 20 people. Agreed that the bill would be split, and I said I'd sort it out at then end to save her worrying. Meal great, all good fun. Comes to the bill, most people stick their £30 in cash onto the table, this covers everything plus a decent tip. Some people chuck a bit extra in cos they're nice like that.

BFF's sister's boyfriend, the CF, pissed as a fart by now as he was necking the vino like it's the last he'll ever see of it, not only doesn't put his money in at all though claims he did he ACTUALLY takes money OUT of the pot as I'm gathering it all up. I saw him. And when I try to have a quiet word he's abusive and sweary and threatens to thump me. Pot turns out to be £100 short, as it's minus his money plus what he's taken. For the sake of not ruining her night I decide to let it go and I fork out the extra cash as Mr charming is swinging around drunk and arsey by now so we just want to get him out of the restaurant.
Best bit is most of us go onto another bar where CF claims he hasn't got any cash cos he's between jobs at the mo' so is sponging drinks off other people all night, mine sweeping etc. Apparently he's 'lovely' sober but I've only ever seen him being a drunk dickhead so I wouldn't know...

Years ago a friend of mine came on a night out. At the end of the night a group of us usually got the train home together. She was going off to meet someone and getting a lift home. She asked if any of us wanted to BUY her return ticket. Cost? About £3. Worth saying that she was married, both earning good salaries with lots of disposable income. We all refused. She also used to refuse to buy her round near the end of the night in case she didn’t get as many drinks back.

Reminds me of a meal out for a friend's birthday a few years ago. She had a new boyfriend and he and a number of other friends were all away skiing. New bf organised birthday meal in her favourite restaurant (a restaurant we all visited regularly as we (at that time) worked in the resort. Lovely meal had by all, new bf was not great, arrogant and embarrassing in how he treated waiters / total inability to read the menu (insisted on the whole menu being translated word for word by waiting staff) and choosing wine for everyone without any consultation but we didn't let it ruin the evening. Friend had a lovely time and nbf made big show of giving her a lovely necklace with a solitaire diamond. We split the bill between us (sharing birthday girls share between us) and all paid cash. Nbf, swiftly took all the cash (which included tips) and paid on his card.

Over the next few days nbf keeps receiving calls he avoids, also avoids going to the restaurant (small town in Austria, not easy to avoid places, particularly ones you like). Eventually my friend insists they eat there, it transpires that the calls were from the restaurant, his payment hadn't gone through and they remained unpaid for the meal we had enjoyed there
For her birthday! Clearly he intended pocketing the money and leaving the restaurant unpaid!

She was outraged and embarrassed! Insisted he go in and pay the bill - quite rightly so! I doubt very much he would have included the decent tip we has all left!

Absolute loser, thankfully she dumped him - although not as soon as she should have done!

My parents had really Cheeky friends who would come around every fortnight and take food/gifts because they liked them. They only used to visit on a particular day and time because then they could go to the supermarket afterwards for the reduced hour. They would regularly complain to companies to get discount vouchers or free goods.

The cheekiest thing that topped it off came around Christmas. My mum had bought tins of biscuits for the nurses /hospice/doctors that were treating my nan to say thank you. CFF came in and put 2 tins in her bag and said: that'll do us. We love these. My mum was flabbergasted and told them straight off to put it back and they had the balls to reply something like: but they don't need them, it's their job.

I did a school run with my NDN and we did alternate weeks. It worked well.

NDN said that she had been approached by another Mum whose child was about to start at the school which was five miles away and would we go and have coffee with her to discuss the school run.

This other Mum lived a couple of miles away but we thought that was OK as we would only be doing the school run once every three weeks.

After coffee, we were presented with a list of the child's after school activities four nights in the week - one was a piano lesson seven miles away - and she asked us not to be late delivering this seven year old to his various activities and that he would need milk and biscuits before each one.

I looked at her printed schedule and asked when she would be doing the school run. She replied that she didn't have time for school runs as she was about to take on a new job!

Talk about speechless.