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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? Woman makes drinks

186 replies

Memyselfandiiiiii · 22/09/2017 14:24

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but this fills me with rage everyone and I don't know what to do about it.

In work meetings I'm often the only woman, but am equally well qualified as the male participants, albeit younger. So why is it that every single time the CEO says ' X will make the drinks, just tell her what you'd like '. Maybe I'm too easy to wind up but I feel absolutely raging every time. What would you do/say?

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 22/09/2017 16:12

But I do like the idea of bringing my vagina into it

I don't! I spent my whole working life before treated like any other guy, or fighting to be treated like one when I was younger, the last thing I need is trying to get away from some things "because I am female". That would be going backwards!

zzzzz · 22/09/2017 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winenight · 22/09/2017 16:15

You are not being unreasonable for feeling frustrated by this. That said, I unfortunately don't think that confronting the CEO because you are feeling upset will do you any favours. The CEO may think you're trying to undermine his authority.

I would approach this in a completely different way. "CEO, I've noticed that in meetings it's taking me a while to get everyone's drinks and delaying us starting on time." Then suggest that you/someone else get a big teapot, coffee percolator, jug of milk and the cups ready before the meeting and let everyone help themselves. You might have to arrange this 10 mins before the meeting but then at least you wouldn't be missing part of it. Or the PAs/secretaries could do it.

It would piss me off me in that situation too, being treated like a teasmaid but I would think about a way to get around it that is more equitable and sell it as efficiency-saving. CEOs love that sort of thing. And I actually think if you take ownership of this situation you will feel better and less resentful.

LadyGagarden · 22/09/2017 16:17

In my line of work (law) it was always the lowest ranking member, usually a trainee, that made the drinks, it wasn't a sexist thing. What happens in meetings that you don't go to? If the CEO asks the next lowest ranking/youngest person to make the drinks then you would be making yourself look silly to raise it imo.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/09/2017 16:19

I walked into our kitchen at work once to make a cuppa, it was empty and then in came Josh 'not his real name'. Josh is about 29, works in IT, really bright bloke. We chatted, he had a GoT tshirt on (it was dress down Friday) and we were having a brief chat as I made my tea.
The door opens and in comes the CEO.
Says 'aw brilliant, Maddie could you make some tea for a visitor I have, no sugar and skimmed milk' and off he popped.
Five minutes later Josh knocked on his office with the tea with a beaming smile and said 'here we go, us IT geeky blokes make a great brew too'.
Josh refused to let me make it.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 22/09/2017 16:19

Although technically if you are slightly junior to all of them then it's valid to ask you based on rank right? So all men, but also all board members and you're the only non board member?

At such a senior level just corral a summer intern (preferably a man) to come in and make the drinks?

Mind you I'd put on a cats bum face and not voluteer to make drinks even when I was a lowly analyst because I had some asian clients who were sexist AF.

coddiwomple · 22/09/2017 16:20

The CEO might have a grand title, but if you are in a small company with no staff to deal with things like catering, he's hardly a high-flyer!
Isn't there someone in charge of booking the meeting rooms, making drinks etc?

alltouchedout · 22/09/2017 16:21

There's a context. I always ask the junior to make the drinks
@coddiwomple can I ask, in a genuinely non snarky, non aggressive (can you see how much I am stressing that this is a friendly, not argumentative, question?!) way- why is that? Is hierarchy big in your workplace/ profession? Is it something else? Recently I was at a meeting with the HD and she insisted on making the drinks and for some reason many of us felt really uncomfortable about it, which made me wonder whether despite our stated preference for a lack of 'senior management are too important to do xyz' thinking, we're actually all a bit more comfortable with it than we admit to ourselves...

PuppyMonkey · 22/09/2017 16:22

Given you're the most "junior" person there, maybe you could just m go with making really crap drinks for everyone.

Better still, the company can get one of those big urns and people can help themselves. Or simply offer hugs of water on the table.

RapunzelsSplitEnds · 22/09/2017 16:22

Ask CEO to install a coffee machine e.g. tassimo in the board room and each person can get their own drink.

AnUtterIdiot · 22/09/2017 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 22/09/2017 16:23
  • jugs of water would be another option.Grin
2017RedBlue · 22/09/2017 16:27

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

cochineal7 · 22/09/2017 16:27

I am soooo hoping we can change this one meeting at the time. I was this only woman in the meeting many times and never had the balls to stand up and say no to the concurrent role as coffee/drinks provider. And no, I was never the most junior one. I wish you well OP.

PopeMortificado · 22/09/2017 16:27

I really don't understand why if you want to be treated as a professional person that it is necessary to be rude (I'm not the dinner lady) or offensive (my vagina's broken).

It is possible to assert yourself without either of these approaches.

As I said above, I'd start by asking him why. Then say what I wrote above

I think it may give the wrong impression to others that you are asking me because I'm a woman. I know it wouldn't cross your mind to think like that but to be honest, I do feel its a bit unfair that I'm always given what is a bit of a chore. Please could we share this task around in future

Expresses your concerns and your request with reasons in a polite way.

2017RedBlue · 22/09/2017 16:28

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

RhiannonOHara · 22/09/2017 16:28

Most good senior people will be the ones to make the drinks actually

Yes, I agree. I always think better of people if they're clearly senior and they volunteer to make the tea.

ftw · 22/09/2017 16:28

'I made them last time, maybe it's one of the men's turn', thus calling out the sexism without saying 'I think you ask me because I'm female'.

Or, 'it's surely someone elses turn to be mum'.

SunSeaAndSangria · 22/09/2017 16:29

Outrageous! I'd be inclined to draw up a drinks rota.

ftw · 22/09/2017 16:31

Though I can't ever imagine someone taking time out a meeting to make a round of drinks...

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2017 16:32

We always make drinks for the board (and clean up after them, the arseholes) and our board is all female.

However, I would turn up with a Starbucks and see what happens. Not sure I'd be brave enough for a PA little shake of it when asked, but it might work.

IfNot · 22/09/2017 16:35

I hate office hierarchy bollocks and the idea the the most "junior" person makes the tea. When my company is a vast empire Grin I will make the tea meself.
Agree you should bring it up before the next meeting and point out that it may appear sexist (cos it is).

coddiwomple · 22/09/2017 16:36

I always ask the junior to make the drinks

mainly for time! I don't really enjoy wasting time Mumsnet is research - and I spend enough in boring meetings - where in theory, everybody present has something to contribute and things get started whilst drinks are being made. I have no issue with making drinks myself, but if I do, I would either delay the start or miss the beginning and people would have to repeat themselves.

If my boss starts making drinks for the team, we would be there all day.

Also, If we waste senior people time asking them to make drink, it would be more cost efficient to get them delivered from Costa downstairs.

In clients meeting, they expect us to talk with them, not fuss around making coffees.

(not trying to be confrontational either Grin, we do have a couple of machines in the office Flavia or other, sometimes we even have a cafetiere and tea pot already ready on the table, but someone had to bring the whole thing there, and it's not me!)

Pallisers · 22/09/2017 16:39

I would seriously question the judgment of anyone who would deliberately embarrass the CEO in front of his board by making a comment about vaginas or even making it a public accusation by saying "why don't you ask a man".

What is wrong with taking Pope's approach and just explaining the reality and optics of the situation to the CEO and asking him to change.

BTW is this a particularly British thing - having one person responsible for making drinks like it is a social event? I have never been in a work meeting in the US where there was any suggestion of it being like a tea party where one person was the host/waitress. If coffee and tea was set out, you helped yourself. Otherwise you brought your own drink or didn't have one.

AngelsSins · 22/09/2017 16:40

Oh this gives me the rage. At my last company, only women were ever asked to:

Make drinks
Set up meetings (even if it meant asking a woman from a totally different department, they'd do that than ask a man in their department)
Cover reception
Take first aid courses
Arrange Christmas meals
Buy and arrange leaving gifts, birthday cards etc.

I was there 10 bloody years and NEVER was a man asked to do any of those things.