To be pissed off with the flight time DH chose?

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I went on holiday with DH and DS who had just turned 3 years old.

My husband is the sort of person who will look to save money in any way he can and as a result he booked really stupid flight times (in relation to having a 3 year old) because they were cheaper.

Our flight out was at 9pm and due to flight length and transfers we didn't get to our hotel at what would have been almost 3am in U.K. time. Our DS hadn't been able to sleep at all on the flight or transfer which meant by the time he got to bed at the hotel he'd been awake for over 21 hours. He was obviously absolutely exhausted (as was I) and it was a complete nightmare and the first day of the holiday was a complete write off as DS practically slept all day.

Anyway - me and DH agreed that as it had been so difficult and unfair to DS we would always book practical flight times in future whilst DS was young, even if it does cost a bit more.

However, yesterday DH told me he'd booked us a holiday as a surprise and that he'd gotten it really cheap. I knew what that meant and so I asked about flight times and the flight out means we'd have to get DS out of bed at 2.30am and then drag him around an airport for hours and then deal with him on flights and transfers where he probably won't be able to sleep again. This will mean that by the time we get to the hotel DS will only have had 7 hours sleep in the space of about 27 hours, involving a 2.30am wake-up.

DH thought his idea was great because it meant we'd get the whole first day of the holiday, which I pointed out would just be spent with us all, especially DS, catching up on sleep.

Of course it was lovely DH had booked this holiday but he knows I'm annoyed with the flight times especially since he'd previously agreed we always fly hours that weren't disruptive.

When I asked him why he'd got such silly flight times again and why couldn't he have just got a later one for DS's sake, he said it's because the flights he'd booked had saved him about £75. I personally don't think the hassle of a stupidly early flight is worth saving £75 for especially when it's going to have such a horrible effect on DS. Even taking DS out the picture it means I'll only get about 4 hours sleep in the space of 27 and that's just not enough for me.

DH reckons that as he's the one driving to the airport the stupidly early rise and how little sleep we're all going to get shouldn't be an issue as the early flight only really affects him....

AIBU to be annoyed?

I'm trying not to show my annoyance and since our initial conversation about the holiday I haven't mentioned the flights because I don't want DH to think I'm not grateful, but inside I feel pissed off.

I think your DH tried to do a nice thing, but not very sensible.

I think this is the crux of it. The reasons he gave for why he's done it are really lovely but I just don't think he's thought it through. I'm guessing he thought I'd be so bowled over by his kindness that I would overlook the fact that he's gone back on what we had previously agreed regarding flight times.

I don't doubt his intentions for Booking the holiday and I genuinely think he wanted to do something nice for me, I just wish he'd stuck to our previous agreement. The flight times he's booked are really going to cast a cloud over the start of the holiday, which he knows, so I'm disappointed he's put saving £75 ahead of me and the DC in terms of what was important when he booked the flights.

Oh - I've just noticed your username.

Your H is the selfish arrogant arse who doesn't think he needs to consult you on anything- be it family holidays to places he wants to go at times he decides to fly (dressed up as a 'surprise' for permanently confused and stressed you), or trips with his school to eurodisney that he fancies going on despite the act that he'll have just returned from his annual ski jaunt. His usual
MO seems to be book first tell you later and run rings round you in the meantime, so not sure why you're surprised at all that your 'agreement' counted for nothing?

Meanwhile you have health conditions and a high risk pregnancy.

Here's the thing- this guy has not an OUNCE of respect for you. Zilch. He does what he wants and has no concept of clearing things with you or even properly discussing them, as what you think isn't important. He sees you, it seems, as some kind of child-bearing pet.

Read your previous threads, carefully. He's clever- fab at acting the great partner, but he uses it- like now- to get what he wants.

You often mention your confusion. Read up on gaslighting. He uses a clever version of this to keep you from being anything near an equal partner.

I don't think he'll change. You will go on this holiday. You'll have a crap couple of days but a wan smile for all his little 'kindnesses' that make the journey bearable in the end. Isn't he great! Next time, he'll do it again.

Nah bollocks to that with little kids.

Yanbu at all, especially because you've previously discussed this exact issue.

I based out entire summer holiday on the basis of where I could get a flight to and from, in the middle of the day. I'm a bit of a wuss though admittedly.

I don't think it's helpful to debate whether the flight time is acceptable/ unacceptable - we will all have our own opinion as to whether it's acceptable to us. You and your husband think v differently about it for a start!

My view is that as your husband has booked a flight time you say he would know was unacceptable to you, you should stick with flight timings but do whatever you need to to make it as smooth as poss to get on it:

You leave the house when you think it sensible;

You get a taxi if you think it sensible or rebook carparking to one much nearer;

You get security fast track passes - these are inexpensive (I paid £8 per person from my local airport) and are normally available to buy when you book carparking or directly from airport website. The security fast track has saved us sooooo much time when we have used them. Wouldn't travel without having them now;

You come up with a plan as to how to make things smoother once you arrive (there've been lots of suggestions on this thread).

So you do all the things you want to - to mitigate the flight timing - even if it costs more than the £ saving your husband has made. I think if you are sure your husband knew this flight time would be v upsetting to you, it is not unreasonable to factually inform him that you will be organising (or reorganising) the travel arrangements before and after the flight. And then RE-ORGANISE them.

I don't think it's something to have a huge falling out over though. If your husband gets upset at your travel arrangements, then you can just keep calmly telling him that as he booked a flight time you really didn't want but you are going along with, he can really not like the way you are organising the travel but has to go along with it.

I think it's about looking for solutions and creating a compromise out of the situation: neither of you will be 100% happy with the arrangement but seeing as how you both think v differently about this, that's unavoidable.

It does require you to take action though and re-organise the bits that would make it more palatable to you. Worst case scenario is that you do not reorganise anything, but do the flight and the arrangements all your husband's way - as then you will acquire a great head of resentment about it.

Holidays are meant to be lovely, lovely things so take action now to try to avoid months and months if resentment by creating a compromise arrangement. Then aim to be 'over it' and get on with looking forward to your holiday. I would love to know where you are going!

Oh - I've just noticed your username

"Just noticed" did you?

Or did you search her previous posts to help build the "case" of "abuse" she is going through?

I'm actually surprised it took 14 pages to get to that, usually advice of abuse and ltb arrived around the 2/3 page.

fizzygreenwater - you've got a good memory!!

The good news is that DH has managed to get out of going on the second school trip by the Head Teacher relenting and allowing another member of staff to go in his place. I think even the HT realised she was asking too much of him and that it's just not practical to only have only Teacher in the school who can run school trips abroad.

The baby arrived safely and we are both doing well. I'd forgotten how exhausting a newborn is though

I feel geared up to speak to DH tonight because you're right, what's he done isn't fair. When booking the flights he didn't consider me or the DCs, well he did and knew the times weren't suitable, but just booked them anyway because it suited him.

Brittbugs you sound very suspicious - I too recognised the OP (about 7 pages ago, as I posted) and remember her as she seems very nice and her dh does seem rather problematic - she has posted a number of threads about various issues with him. I didn't need advance search to remember that because, well, I spend far too much of my life on mumsnet and recognise lots of posters.

I mentioned earlier on that we have a 6am flight on tuesday so are kind of in the same boat in that sense, though not in the sense that one of us totally ignored the other to do this...but just been reading through this about your concerns about adults getting sleep aswell as the kids, not sure if this will help you because obviously everyone is different...but my plans are to not sleep at all on that night. As getting a couple of hours sleep makes me feel much worse than having no sleep at all. Once it gets past a certain point, I don't feel as bad and can function fairly normally through til the next night.

Brittbugs you sound very suspicious - I too recognised the OP (about 7 pages ago, as I posted) and remember her as she seems very nice and her dh does seem rather problematic - she has posted a number of threads about various issues with him. I didn't need advance search to remember that because, well, I spend far too much of my life on mumsnet and recognise lots of posters

That's just a bit odd to spend that much time online on one forum that you recognise everyone and can recall their posts. I barely see the same name twice.

Plus it's not unusual to see people who say they've checked on posters previous posts and referred to it on current threads.

You get security fast track passes - these are inexpensive (I paid £8 per person from my local airport) and are normally available to buy when you book carparking or directly from airport website.

Hah. We did this once. How it works at our local airport is that there are about 8 lanes to go through the security scanners and such, and one lane for those who buy fast track passes. We paid for the fast track as we couldn't be arsed with the long queues and such and were planning on waltzing through security as fast as possible and getting a coffee. As it turned out...we watched people who had not paid for fast track passes get through ages before us as the lane for the fast track people was sooo busy as it seemed everyone had had the same idea. Also it seemed everyone in the fast track lane was just fannying about constantly holding everyone else up. Things like forgetting they had a belt on, then forgetting their shoes had metal on, then forgetting they had phones in their pockets, then forgetting about change in their pockets...just endless stuff that should have been easy...that kind of thing. It was ridiculous. We may have simply been unlucky with the amount of silly people infront of us though.

Never done that again since. hopefully other airports are better at handling this than ours is!

That's just a bit odd to spend that much time online on one forum that you recognise everyone and can recall their posts.

Its not really a case of recognizing everyone...but some posters do stand out, especially if their stories really affect you or stick with you. There are a few users I would recognize by username. Not many mind, but a few.

This is partly why, if I ask for advice on certain things, I namechange either before or right after I post the thread. As I know some people will remember my name and my story and I get paranoid a bit about giving out too man y personal details on one username incase someone I know recognizes me or something. Not all posters have to advance search to remember stuff, though some do seem to do that..I don't think its very fair to accuse people of doing it as you don;t really know if they did or not.

YANBU. You are supposed to be having a holiday not going on an endurance test. For £75 of a saving definitely not on. Think I would be telling DH that holidays are off the cards until DS is old enough to go without sleep or can be left at home.Or holiday at home not needing flights.. DH may get the message to stop being either mean or realise he can't afford a holiday that suits you all.

I barely see the same name twice

This OP and her username are very memorable. Even more memorable are the many, many, and I mean many, threads about her rather unlikeable and selfish husband. As soon as I saw the name I knew it would be about another unreasonable thing the husband had done.

I think it's time I changed my username.

Late to the party but YANBU.

So have you had The Chat yet?

Sorry Writer but I recognise you too. Only because both our pregnancies overlapped and I remember seeing you on the pregnancy boards and felt a sort of pregnancy solidarity with you!

I also remember some other threads of yours about your husband. And while it's not LTB territory, he does sound like a very frustrating knob.

If I were you I'd've lost my shit with him a long time ago.

Has he told you where you're going yet?

"That's just a bit odd to spend that much time online on one forum that you recognise everyone and can recall their posts."

I, too, recognise the username, because the OP seems like a particularly nice, sensible person, who writes very articulately! Sometimes people just stick in your mind - I think the writer in her name might be a bit of a clue as to why! She's good!

I recognise you too Writer, because ur dh's sound very similar (Mr Koala is also unpopular on MN ). If you change your username and post for advice people will possibly still recognise you or you'll get wrong advice because each scenario will have no context. On the surface your DHs behaviours seem inept and a bit thoughtless, but when put in the broader picture they appear to be a pattern of selfish, minimising and manipulative actions.

My advice is to make plain your own plans and that you will not be engaging in his ideas when they haven't taken you into consideration. Just repeat blandly 'that doesn't work for me' 'No, i wont be doing that' 'You will have to change that as it isn't practical'. I have learned trying to discuss and explain just leaves wiggle and negotiation room and i end up compromising massively and thinking why tha fuck am i doing this AGAIN!

Anyway, good luck. :)

Thank you everyone - though I am concerned about my name being recognisable so I guess I either post far too much or I paint my DH in a really bad light....

I spoke to DH last night and I don't know if things can be classed as sorted but I made it clear we will not be getting up at 2.30am. The holiday is to go to Spain.

I said there's no way I'm getting a 4 year old and a 10 month old out of bed at 2.30am just to go to Spain and to save £75. Maybe I'd suck it up if it was a flight to Disney World, Florida, but not to go to Spain. I said that even if we didn't have the children I wouldn't be prepared to get up at 2.30am anyway.

I told him he had to change the flights and he started going on that it wasn't that easy, if would cost money etc etc - and I just told him that with flight times like that he should have checked with me before booking them.

He then said he'd just wanted to do something nice, which I acknowledged, but I said getting up at such a silly hour would make me and the children tired and miserable and that's not what holidays are about. I asked him if he'd considered what was best for us all when he booked flights at that time and did he really think it would be fair to make us all get up at that time - especially the children, and he admitted he "hadn't really thought about that" because he saw the savings and thought it would be nice to get there early. I told him that just because he's prepared to get up at 2.30am he shouldn't have assumed we'd all be happy to do it. I asked him if he thought I'd ever have agreed to those times if he'd spoken to me first, and he said "probably not" and I said "Exactly, but you booked them anyway."

He's told me he's going to phone the airline later today to try and change onto the later flight but told me again it would probably cost a lot of money....so I just repeated that he should have checked with me before booking flights at that time then and all this could have been avoided.

I said I appreciated him wanting to take us away but what he'd done just wasn't practical. He looked a bit sheepish because he knows full well it will be a total nightmare getting the children up at that time and expecting them to then tolerate the travelling.

So yes, he knows that we are not getting those flights and that if they can't be changed then that's unfortunate but that it won't alter my stance on the matter.

Guilty100 - in terms of my username, I've always wanted to be a writer, have done since I was about ten years old. I had a few poems and short stories published in my late teens but nothing since. I've got two novels here with me at home that I wrote in my mid 20's but I never got them looked at or did anything with them. Then I finished at uni and work got in the way of writing and then DS1 came along and finding the time to do any writing completely went out the window. Who knows, maybe when the children are a bit older I might take it to again - I hope so!

I hope so, too, because you write really well!

I'm glad you're making some progress with your DH. Sounds like you handled the conversation really well.

Stand your ground. If it costs him "alot of money" to change the flights well lesson learnt he won't do that again will he?

Tight git.

I agree with others stand your ground on this. My dh is guilty of this too. He wouldn't book it without consulting me but would often convince me that the saving was worth it and we get extra time at our destination so I'd relent. No more though. We went away at Christmas and had a 6am flight so all up in the middle of the night on a very cold, foggy icy night. We are only about 35min from airport but drive was horrendous. I had barely slept the night before because I always stress about getting up and out in time for those early morning flights. Told him that was the last early morning flight I was doing where there were other flight options. Thankfully he has also seen the light on this. my kids thought (4, 6 and 9) generally cope quite well with it, its their poor mum who is in rag order from it

I guess I either post far too much or I paint my DH in a really bad light....
This is a false dilemma! Third option, my dh causes me loads of grief so I need to turn to the support of MN a lot.