To be pissed off with the flight time DH chose?

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I went on holiday with DH and DS who had just turned 3 years old.

My husband is the sort of person who will look to save money in any way he can and as a result he booked really stupid flight times (in relation to having a 3 year old) because they were cheaper.

Our flight out was at 9pm and due to flight length and transfers we didn't get to our hotel at what would have been almost 3am in U.K. time. Our DS hadn't been able to sleep at all on the flight or transfer which meant by the time he got to bed at the hotel he'd been awake for over 21 hours. He was obviously absolutely exhausted (as was I) and it was a complete nightmare and the first day of the holiday was a complete write off as DS practically slept all day.

Anyway - me and DH agreed that as it had been so difficult and unfair to DS we would always book practical flight times in future whilst DS was young, even if it does cost a bit more.

However, yesterday DH told me he'd booked us a holiday as a surprise and that he'd gotten it really cheap. I knew what that meant and so I asked about flight times and the flight out means we'd have to get DS out of bed at 2.30am and then drag him around an airport for hours and then deal with him on flights and transfers where he probably won't be able to sleep again. This will mean that by the time we get to the hotel DS will only have had 7 hours sleep in the space of about 27 hours, involving a 2.30am wake-up.

DH thought his idea was great because it meant we'd get the whole first day of the holiday, which I pointed out would just be spent with us all, especially DS, catching up on sleep.

Of course it was lovely DH had booked this holiday but he knows I'm annoyed with the flight times especially since he'd previously agreed we always fly hours that weren't disruptive.

When I asked him why he'd got such silly flight times again and why couldn't he have just got a later one for DS's sake, he said it's because the flights he'd booked had saved him about £75. I personally don't think the hassle of a stupidly early flight is worth saving £75 for especially when it's going to have such a horrible effect on DS. Even taking DS out the picture it means I'll only get about 4 hours sleep in the space of 27 and that's just not enough for me.

DH reckons that as he's the one driving to the airport the stupidly early rise and how little sleep we're all going to get shouldn't be an issue as the early flight only really affects him....

AIBU to be annoyed?

I'm trying not to show my annoyance and since our initial conversation about the holiday I haven't mentioned the flights because I don't want DH to think I'm not grateful, but inside I feel pissed off.

We live 35 minutes from the airport. 620am flight which we take regularly. Leave at 4am - and that's us driving, so we factor in time for car park/shuttle to airport. I don't bother waking/dressing son; he stays in pjs (I put him to bed in a t-shirt rather than pj top) and I change him into trousers/pants at airport or on flight. We get ourselves ready, get car loaded then literally just before we leave I put socks on son whilst he's still sleeping, then lift him out of bed. Sometimes he wakes but often he'll carry on sleeping in the car. At airport he goes in sling and doesn't have to get down until security time.

We're regular travellers though and son is an old hand. Check in online, use bag drop and it doesn't have to mean a ridiculously early 230am start. Take a taxi direct to airport and you've bought yourselves another 15 mins in bed.

Oh give over, Purple.
The OP wanting to change her flight isn't going to save Syria.

the best response

Flight leaves 6.30am from UK and arrives UK lunch time. That's about a 5 hr flight and country is behind the UK by 2 hours. It's not mainland Europe so they must be flying counter clockwise to the equator heading away from Europe towards the Atlantic and America.

that's not true at all, we've had plenty of holidays together and have more booked next year (not including the surprise one). I love going on holiday

What are the flights for the other holidays like?

YANBU I hate travelling and usually wind up with a headache after flying. In the past when I had to get up in the middle of the night to fly this usually led to a migraine +/- feeling really unwell for a few days.

Since ds's have always booked reasonable flight times as a priority when choosing a holiday.

OK. Given your last update, he does need a talk about respect. He gave you None to get his own way and engineered telling you in a public place to you wouldn't kick off ? No respect for you

No matter how good as husband and father he may be otherwize...

FizzyGreenWater said it better

This isn't about "one early get up" or being grateful for the trip of a lifetime or being responsible for Syria ffs.

Its about being in a relationship where your concerns appear to have been discussed like adults and future plans agreed, only for one party to find a way to ignore it all.

It sounds like this is his pattern already. You either need to properly insist that he changes this flight or resign yourself to a lifetime of similar trips. And be prepared that his approach (pretending to acknowledge your listen then doing what he wants anyway) will spill over into other areas of your life too. (perhaps it already does)

All for £75??!!!

The 'surprise' thing is really annoying too. Does he think you're thick and can't see what he's doing?

He sounds wearing.

Flight leaves 6.30am from UK and arrives UK lunch time. That's about a 5 hr flight and country is behind the UK by 2 hours. It's not mainland Europe so they must be flying counter clockwise to the equator heading away from Europe towards the Atlantic and America

Based on that and with OP saying there will be nothing do, I'm going for Cape Verde!

brittbug -the flight times for precious holidays (we've been since the crap flight time holiday) and future holidays that have been booked have all got reasonable flight times because we've booked the holidays together.

The flight back from this holiday is at about 6pm he said which is fine. It will mean a late night for DS but it won't be something that will overly effect him and he will probably just have a lie-in the next morning. It may mean a lot of handing about on the last day after check-out time but I don't really mind that as long as there's somewhere to store the luggage which most hotels have.

When DH was talking about flight times he implied we landed at what would be 10am UK time but midday-ish local time. So a 3.5 hour flight to a destination that's 2hrs ahead of the time zone. He was very vague about specifics though, probably because he knows I will start trying to find out where we are going on the internet. I don't know exactly when we are going but it will either be the end of May or end of July. It depends what he meant Shen he said DS2 would be "about 10 months old"

He thinks the surprise element is romantic I think but the not knowing anything is actually quite annoying.

I think you're being ungrateful. Whilst it's not the most convenient of times it doesn't really matter. Put your sleeping child (get him out last thing, leave him in his Jamie's, keep all lights off etc) into the car and have a great holiday.
It's really not the end of the world

Getting up at 2:30 or 4am, it hardly matters, these children and the OP will wrecked either way. Like other PPs, I rarely sleep before an early start like this, so spend the day in a fog of exhaustion and confusion. What could be a pleasure becomes an endurance event.

You put it the other way around in your pp. Local time you put as arriving at 10am. Local time usually refers to the country of destination not origin. You'd say flight lands at 10am UK time, local time 12pm

You don't even know when you're going ????

End of May and end of July are both in the school holidays. What kind of idiot books a holiday in school holidays when they don't have school age children.

Any sympathy I might have had has gone out of the window now. How are you meant to plan for the children? What if they need appointments of some sort or other arrangements?

Maybe he's missed off with always organising the holidays with no input from OP apart from dictating flight times.

I doubt that. He took it upon himself to book it, completely in secret and without consulting his wife, as a surprise.

@Writerwannabe83 posted:
The reason he booked the holiday as a surprise is because he knew I wouldn't agree to the flight time... despite previously agreeing together we'd not fly at silly hours...

and

DH and I had agreed that any future flights would not be at ridiculous hours...

and

One year... I wanted to fly direct but because it was cheaper DH talked me into his plan of...

and this entire thread, we've been watching OP trying hard to work out alternatives and logistics. And she is and has been the one to lug the children (4yo and 8mo) about on previous holidays and is the only parent considering their needs in this whole affair.

So I'd say it's clear that she gives input. She's giving input, and even doing footwork, right now. It's clearly not DH's sole responsibility. And, really, even if it were, how oppressive would that actually be, bearing the weighty burden of... planning fun holidays? How much of the rest of life's mental load do you suspect is mum's responsibility?

@OP - how did you get on discussing this nightmare with your DH? Stroppy or reasonable? Will he "settle" for the (much better) option of the 10am flight?

You'd say flight lands at 10am UK time, local time 12pm

Yep that's what I meant which is why I assumed we are going somewhere in Europe. There's no way we'd be going backwards in time zones because we just couldn't afford it. I just assumed we are doing a cheap and cheerful holiday (which I don't mind), especially as we are only going for 6 days. I just don't know. The more I think about all the things he's told me about flights and times the more confused I feel.

My mind is in paranoid over thinking mode. He's rebuffed all the suggestions you've given on here about ways to avoid an early rise but he's got an answer for everything. Now I'm wondering if the airport he's told me we are flying from is in fact the truth or he's just said it to throw me off the scent when in reality we are flying from an airport further away hence why we do need to get up earlier. Maybe like a PP suggested, he's being vague and changing details because he suspects I would go digging about destinations.

The whole thing is driving me mad. This surprise is turning into a bit of a head fuck. I'm sure wherever he's booked will be good and we will have a lovely time but I just want to know.

He surprised me with a lovely holiday many years ago before we were even married and I was really touched and we had a great time, so maybe he thinks I'm going to feel the same way about this current surprise but it's different when there's children involved.

When I speak to him about flights tonight I'm just going to ask him to tell me everything about the holiday because it's just doing my head in now.

I need to just stop thinking about it and chill out because second guessing everything is pretty pointless and rather than get all stressed over it I just need to wait for clarification off him.

End of May and end of July are both in the school holidays. What kind of idiot books a holiday in school holidays when they don't have school age children.

He's a teacher so can only go during school holidays. It's pretty crap but just the way it is.

This would drive me nuts, especially as you have so long to go before travelling. I'd have to know!

buttery - it is driving me nuts I will let you all know where we're going when I find out later. I can also clarify about the local time/destination time etc because I can't tell if he's accused me on that too.

We were talking about it last night but I couldn't get into a serious chat about it because I had a nightmare evening/night with the baby and after DS2 has finally gone to sleep I didn't have the mental energy to discuss the flights because all I wanted to do was go to bed.

could you be honest with him and be thankful at the same time.perhaps say you are loving or grateful of the surprise elemeant but being a worrying mummy you need to no that hes thiknin of the kids here and making sure everything is ok with them to put himself in the shoes of a mum and think what will my child need here.

this isn't abuse or kidnap or something your hubbie is doing to be cruel.so try and just think kindly of him.so ok he might get it wrong again.ok annoying but really grand scheme he isn't curel or bad.the situation might be but its not something that within a week of the flight wont be forgotten or sorted.focus on the holiday.and that too ok might not be all you inwardly dream of.but what ever is. your expectations and needs and wants or overflowing any just going with it mode.you head is focused on the what if,your heart is racing and heart beating to a place you cant function or see any other way.
try just be calm with the knowledge things are generally ok aren't they.even fun.even nice.
if it goes wrong.be with him.get through it togheter.
the wondering on and on is making more stories more worries in your head...right now...how many of them do you know are true?zero.so you seeing a future that you cant predict.your sat in the shit in the present and in the future.but it wont be like that.
let it come.let it be good.think I'm strong.im a super mum good wife itl be ok.
might even be bloody fantastic.
smile.if hes trying to do a nice thing.that really lovely.

End of May and end of July are both in the school holidays. What kind of idiot books a holiday in school holidays when they don't have school age children

Some people actually work in schools and can't get time off during term time, why are they the idiots?!

I wouldn't be bothered. In our case travel to the airport is much longer and prone to traffic the later in the day we go so I'd rather have an early morning flight to avoid panic of sitting in traffic for hours. Also, just because your child didn't sleep on the plane the last time does not necessarily mean the same will happen again. And 7 hours sleep is not the end of the world. Have an early night the first night and then be up and refreshed the next day.

YANBU. I would be livid. As FizzyGreenWater said, it's about his total disregard of your feelings and your previous agreement. I would insist on taxis/other arrangements to allow you to get up at a more reasonable time or refuse to go, if that negates the discount then so be it. That is the compromise. He still gets his way with an earlier arrival time and you get your way with a bit more sleep. But I certainly would let him know that if he ever tried this "surprise" holiday schedule again, he'd be going alone.

He needs to be grown up about it and negotiate these things by discussing it with you before booking, it's not a "nice thing" it's manipulative. My kids are a bit older now and so we travel during more extreme hours, but absolutely not while they were little. We've done a lot of long-haul flights to visit family in the States over the years and after one bad experience when DS was a baby, I was adamant we would choose direct flights at reasonable times and my DH respected that.

Perhaps people who are not in the thick of it travelling with a baby and toddler forget what a grind it can be even during hospitable hours, or maybe their children are just easy going. I will never forget how exhausting and stressful it could be and I'm so grateful those days were short-lived. When you talk to DH, perhaps point out that the children won't be small forever and you need him to make allowances in travel plans for a few years while they're little. Mine are now 7 and 10 and are real troopers when we travel now.

A surprise holiday when it's just the two of you is a lovely idea. With young children it's just silly. You need to know where you're going so you can pack appropriately for the DCs ( unless your DH will do that) and I'd like to know where the hotel or apartment is so you'll know if there will be trips to the beach or whatever.

I think your DH tried to do a nice thing, but not very sensible. I'd ask him to tell you where you're going.

End of May and end of July are both in the school holidays. What kind of idiot books a holiday in school holidays when they don't have school age children

People who work in schools or places where they have to take holiday at that time.

What sort of idiot thinks that everyone has a choice as to when they take holiday?