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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave this bitchy snobby mum's clique

198 replies

LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 11:05

I've name changed as the location might out me.

My DD has just started school. She has moved into reception with about 15 children who attended the school nursery so all the parents know each other quite well.

I've been friends with my DD's best friend's mum for about 2 years. I always knew she was abit snobby but when it's just us on our own she's great. We are total opposites - she is originally from a "posher" part of the country and I'm from the countryside. Our accents are totally different, she is a manager I work in a supermarket, she lives in a lovely house I live in a terraced 3 bed, her and her partner have quite abit of money, me and my partner scrape through.

This hasn't really become apparent or been a problem until the girls started school. She has started to make comments about her DD has started to come back speaking with the local accent and that she is annoyed and has told her daughter that we speak "properly and nicely". She has also said that her DD's behaviour has started to decline rapidly after starting school 3 weeks ago and this must be to do with the fact that it's a state school rather than private and she's clearly picking it up from other children at school.

We are friends with 3 other mums from the school who have the same views as my friend - they are all wealthy etc and they were all stood discussing it today, saying how they wish they could move their children to private schools as their children coming home and speaking "that way" disgusts them and its clearly because they are mixing with common children.

I came home and felt very sad. Partly because I don't know why these mums are friends with me because I'm supposedly everything that they hate and also that my DD is probably seen to them as "one of those kids" as she has the same accent as me!

My DD told me yesterday that her best friend told her that she didn't want to play with her anymore. I asked my friend about it and she said that her DD had said that my DD kept following her around and she had told her to go and tell a teacher if my DD kept following her after she had told her she didn't want to play with her anymore. I think that's really mean! I guess what I'm trying to say is that our views are totally different.

AIBU to just step away from this group? I don't know if I'm over reacting or not?

OP posts:

wineandtoastfortea · 23/09/2017 06:37

Surely you can 'speak the Queens English', be grammatically correct AND have a regional accent?

IClavdivs · 23/09/2017 07:17

I personally don't have a strong farmer accent but you can definitely tell I'm from the West Country
Surely an accent is part of what makes you who you, as an individual, actually are? It sort of tells your unique story.

Just what sort of accents do the Bucket Brigade at your school sport? Do they all have perfect cut glass accents like Vivien Leigh?

KERALA1 · 23/09/2017 07:25

I do think a really strong West Country accent would hold you back in some sectors (City). Can anyone think of anyone in the public eye/ conventionally successful with this accent because I can't.

When I was working in the city it was very international colleagues from all over the world. There were accents (Yorkshire Scottish northern) but definitely none rural. Coming straight from Somerset to that environment I really noticed it.

frumpety · 23/09/2017 08:06

OP if they aren't wearing these wellies then they ain't as posh as they think
www.lechameau.com/gb/womens-boots/collections/chasseur/women-s-chasseur-leather-boot.html?c=283

ChaosAD · 23/09/2017 09:48

Dear God, they sound like monumental bores - why on earth would you WANT to be friends with such vacuuous, snobbish, shallow people? Her DD doesn't want to be friends with your DD any more? Be thankful, that's your get out! Make some new friends who have a grasp on reality and encourage your DD to do the same - you're worth 10 of those ghastly snobs.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/09/2017 13:28

Oh crap now I'm starting to feel like one of them!
I live in Australia, have done for several years now but I still keep reminding DS1 (nearly 10) to pronounce his words/letters properly, especially his Ts and Ds. This means that he still sounds quite English and people pick up on that and think his English accent is very cute.
I tell him that it helps with comprehension - for e.g. the other day he was talking about pu'ing something on, and I told him to say his Ts properly - turned out he meant puLLing something on, but as I said, who would have known?

The difference is that I don't do this in front of Aussie friends. I wouldn't dream of criticising their accent to their faces! I don't tell DSs to enunciate their words more clearly in front of Aussies either, because that would be rude.

In other words, I don't do what your "friend" does, because I'm aware of how rude it would be - she clearly doesn't realise how rude SHE is being.

welshbutenglish · 23/09/2017 18:28

I live in a 'home county' but still retain a bit of a lilt from my homeland. I would say some mums at school probably put me straight into a certain box because of this. It has never bothered me because I don't want to associate with anyone that pathetic. I have naturally found loads of lovely friends both from school and locally, from all walks of life, who aren't worried worried about such things in the slightest. OP - like attract like - leave them to it and I assure you, you will find others who appreciate you for who you are. Don't let it get to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2017 18:59

I shouldn't be so sensitive about it

Oh that old chestnut.

You do sound like a sensitive soul. I am too. And that's fine. People, who deny you your sensitivities are criticising your very being.

As some of us have pointed out, school needs to be made aware that your dd is being excluded. This simply isn't allowed in school as policies are inclusive.

I said upthread it sounds as if this woman likes you. And maybe she does. However, it appears she only wants a friendship on your terms.

Keep spreading your wings. These women are interesting in popularity and appearances. You are interested in true happiness and your life goals sound incompatible.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/09/2017 19:06

by the time I'd got to the end of the thread, other posters had said what I wanted to, only better/the situation's moved on (don't you hate it when that happens!)

Did you text her back, OP? Her telling you not to be 'too sensitive' sounds like she knows full well what your issue is, and is trying v hard to make it difficult for you to articulate it. I like the (much earlier) suggestion of saying 'well, that's me'.

Agree with the posters who say you need to separate the bitchy clique from your DD's friendship issue. So I also agree with going in to chat to the teacher and encouraging your DD with other friends.

And I agree that if your DD isn't good enough to play with at school, the out of school friendship shouldn't carry on either. Great you've already texted another mum, and good luck with that.

cheapskatemum · 23/09/2017 19:18

I'd laugh if, by the time your DCs go to high school, the local one which you went to has become the best one around (according to league tables & Ofsted inspectors, which would probably be the indicators they'd be interested in). It's years away! Anything could happen in that time!

LinoleumBlownapart · 23/09/2017 19:19

AIBU to just step away from this group?

Yes YABU, I wouldn't step away from them......I'd run a fucking mile!

GreenTulips · 23/09/2017 19:32

It's quite common for 4 year old to swap friends - they don't have besties - they have kids who come to play and I think you are over invested in the girls friendship

She's your daughters friend and she has to find some resilience and make new friends, it's part of growing up and forming relationships

Leapfrog44 · 23/09/2017 23:28

Those snobby (not posh but desperately aspirational) types are the worst! Steer clear, they'll raise bitch little madams who'll make like miserable for your daughter. Best you teach her to seek out genuine people as friends.

Amiable · 23/09/2017 23:52

If the accent their children have is more important than how kind they are, how much they learn at school, how happy they are, how many friends they have etc etc, then I don't see why you want to be friends with them anyway?!

IClavdivs · 24/09/2017 00:01

ThumbWitch

to pronounce his words/letters properly, especially his Ts and Ds

PROPERLY

You probably don't mean to sound patronising, but you have succeeded admirably. A question here - what have picked as the PROPER English accent - Estuary (but then you've got to choose, for example, between extremes like Jamie Oliver or Tony Blair), Cockney, Northern (so many to choose from here - Scouse, Mancunian, Cheshire, etc, etc) Midlands (again, you must find yourself spoilt for choice)? I could continue along this line, but I won't.

Why not go for broke and train him to use an Inverness or Aberdeen accent - well spoken, that is incredibly appealing and will certainly have the yokels thinking he's so, so cute. Or have you just decided to get him to watch movies with Kenneth Branagh and his ilk? Can't go wrong with a modern RP, I suppose.

Kind of curious now, just what sort of accent do YOU have? Kate Middleton, Barbara Windsor or the aforementioned Hyacinth Bouquet?

Just a word of word of warning - don't get him to change the pronunciation of the word "emu."

Cosmic123 · 24/09/2017 08:21

Oh dear I totally empathise. My daughter went to a very middle class primary and I could not abide those type of parents. Is like being at school all over again! Because I'm probably seen as quite middle class myself, they would feel it acceptable to share their godawful views with me. Under normal circumstances I would have told them what did but because I didn't want to alienate my daughter I very, very often bit my tongue.

My best tactic was politely distancing myself. For the whole of primary on the days I wasn't working (working part time saved my sanity) I would literally time my arrival to the second so I wasn't late or early and could avoid the vast majority of playground shite.

If it's any consolation my daughter has just started secondary and it's like a breathe of fresh air not having to see these godawful mums at all - That day will come, you just have to grit your teeth until then.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/09/2017 09:37

IClavdivs

What Thumbwitch is talking about is a bit different. She's British. She wants her child to speak a little like her despite living in Australia. I like my dd to speak a bit like me because I'm not local to my area within the uk. It's a familial thing, not a judgmental thing.

IClavdivs · 24/09/2017 10:15

I live in Australia, have done for several years now but I still keep reminding DS1 (nearly 10) to pronounce his words/letters properly, especially his Ts and Ds.

You don't find the phrase to pronounce his words/letters properly just the teeniest bit judgmental? I find it massively so. She is not saying that she wants her son to sound like her: rather she wants him to pronounce words/letters PROPERLY. In other words, what the locals use is not proper pronunciation.

By the way, the other day he was talking about pu'ing something on, and I told him to say his Ts properly - turned out he meant puLLing something on, but as I said, who would have known? is nonsense. I have taught in schools in various socio-economic areas, admittedly all in Sydney, and never noticed this. Those middle consonants (glottal stops? - I am ashamed to admit I know virtually nothing about linguistics) are articulated. I have, however, noticed in my travels through the various parts of the UK, pronunciations like ci-ee for city and bu-on for button.

Anyway, she's probably fighting a losing battle. My experience is that children pick up the accent that is used at school. At 13, he will longer want a "cute" accent. I am talking here about accents - not levels of usage.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 24/09/2017 10:33

They sound crass and with no class. No at doesn't equal manners.
I'm desperate to know where you are now! I'm in Taunton with all the foreigners and the strong local accents. I'm an incomer from a totally different region. I do wince when DS says butter mind.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/09/2017 12:02

IClaudius - I want him to enunciate his words clearly, using the letters that are contained within them to make the meaning of the words clear. OK?

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 24/09/2017 14:08

Inthecar81
I'd say at the next opportunity "oh I totally understand about the private school thing. If I was in your position I would do it in a heartbeat. Why don't you?"

The whole group must be there.

And let them squirm and answer one by one.

OP, I thought THIS was brilliant!! You really should try this one!!

And to mumindoghouse, Gosh British snobbery and Little English narrow mindedness is the pits. That comment in itself is pretty narrow minded - snobbery and narrow mindedness comes from all walks of life and nationalities, pinning it on British/English people, as if the snobs and bigots from Britain are worse than snobs and bigots from anywhere else isn't fair imo.

butterfly56 · 24/09/2017 15:12

*We are friends with 3 other mums from the school who have the same views as my friend - they are all wealthy etc and they were all stood discussing it today, saying how they wish they could move their children to private schools as their children coming home and speaking "that way" disgusts them and its clearly because they are mixing with common children.

This woman is a piece of work and you need to distance yourself from her because she's definitely not a "friend"!

IClavdivs · 24/09/2017 22:55

ThumbWitches: I want him to enunciate his words clearly, using the letters that are contained within them to make the meaning of the words clear

That is not what you said in your post. You want him to pronounce his words/letters properly, especially his Ts and Ds in contrast to the local "yobbos", who by implication you seem to feel do not.

I reiterate: the specific example you quoted is not used as a common pronunciation in Australia (unless there is a specific reason for a child to be doing so).

I also ask - just what is the proper pronunciation (or accent) for any English speaker?

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