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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave this bitchy snobby mum's clique

198 replies

LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 11:05

I've name changed as the location might out me.

My DD has just started school. She has moved into reception with about 15 children who attended the school nursery so all the parents know each other quite well.

I've been friends with my DD's best friend's mum for about 2 years. I always knew she was abit snobby but when it's just us on our own she's great. We are total opposites - she is originally from a "posher" part of the country and I'm from the countryside. Our accents are totally different, she is a manager I work in a supermarket, she lives in a lovely house I live in a terraced 3 bed, her and her partner have quite abit of money, me and my partner scrape through.

This hasn't really become apparent or been a problem until the girls started school. She has started to make comments about her DD has started to come back speaking with the local accent and that she is annoyed and has told her daughter that we speak "properly and nicely". She has also said that her DD's behaviour has started to decline rapidly after starting school 3 weeks ago and this must be to do with the fact that it's a state school rather than private and she's clearly picking it up from other children at school.

We are friends with 3 other mums from the school who have the same views as my friend - they are all wealthy etc and they were all stood discussing it today, saying how they wish they could move their children to private schools as their children coming home and speaking "that way" disgusts them and its clearly because they are mixing with common children.

I came home and felt very sad. Partly because I don't know why these mums are friends with me because I'm supposedly everything that they hate and also that my DD is probably seen to them as "one of those kids" as she has the same accent as me!

My DD told me yesterday that her best friend told her that she didn't want to play with her anymore. I asked my friend about it and she said that her DD had said that my DD kept following her around and she had told her to go and tell a teacher if my DD kept following her after she had told her she didn't want to play with her anymore. I think that's really mean! I guess what I'm trying to say is that our views are totally different.

AIBU to just step away from this group? I don't know if I'm over reacting or not?

OP posts:
BaconAndBees · 21/09/2017 13:47

Take the wellies back (or better still - offer them to her, say you find them a bit tacky).

Money can't buy class, and they sound 'all fur coat no knickers'. So rude. Help your friend to make nice friends Flowers

misshelena · 21/09/2017 13:49

I've also messaged another mum about having her DD over for tea one night after school to try and broaden her out of school friendship circle

That's it OP. Good job!

Cailleach1 · 21/09/2017 13:49

They sound toxic. I'd be happy for my child to preserve their self esteem and not have such shallow notions gain more importance than they deserve.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2017 13:50

That's good you've invited someone and the more you help your dd make sense of the world, the better she will become in filling in the gaps. I agree her friend is behaving erratically... being only 4/5, that's normal, going to school is a big thing. Especially with a mother like that! As dd is gets older, we talk about accepting others even though they're different and understanding we aren't perfect and about incidents when her friends or adults are mean.

This group of women sound highly insecure and it looks as though you've become insecure whilst trying to find your place in the group. Consequently you've let yourself become their victim. It's good you've seen it for what it is before your dd becomes too affected. So give yourself a big pat on the back.

YouOKHun · 21/09/2017 13:53

I wouldn't bring it up a school pick up OP. I would divert your energies to getting to know the other mothers and their children. these women don't sound like the sharpest knives in the drawer and they're either not self aware enough to realise how silly they sound or they're being catty bitches; either way just distance yourself. In fact, a very good school gate policy generally I have found, having spent years dropping off and picking up, is to be a Satellite parent; friendly small talk but little else. Seen too many people drawn into covens and then treated badly and their children ostracised too, over petty fall outs and competitive silliness. BTW my children were at a private school - lots of twats there too ;)

EmGee · 21/09/2017 14:08

Lurpack, I would tell your 'friend' that you find her comments offensive. Don't be apologetic, tell her straight (but politely).

She (and the others) sound awful. Can you imagine how their kids are going to turn out with parents like that? Already the daughter is adopting the mum's shitty attitude.

It's sad for your daughter but at least she's only 4 and not old enough to fully understand the ramifications. Steer her towards some children with nicer families. Keep on doing as you are because it sounds like you are a great parent.

Mittens1969 · 21/09/2017 14:09

YouOKhun, that's very good advice. Yes, you get twats everywhere. It's just a shame when they sabotage their children's friendships for petty reasons.

You're going about this the right way, OP. Inviting another child to tea is a great way to help your DD expand her friendship circle.

Starlight2345 · 21/09/2017 14:12

I've also messaged another mum about having her DD over for tea one night after school to try and broaden her out of school friendship circle

Fantastic.. This will really help your DD..

I also echo I others I wouldn't bother mentioning it at school. They are highly unlikely to say oh yes thank you for pointing this out to me. You are on the playground for a long time..Easier to distance yourself.

BewareOfDragons · 21/09/2017 14:42

Your 'friend's' DD sounds like a mini-mean girl in training, learned at the knee of her mother who is probably mouthing off in front of her about the children she doesn't deem worthy. Sadly, that includes your DD.

Your 'friend' is a bitch, and so are anyone who believes the things that come out of their mouths. You will not convince her that she is wrong, however, so I would cut ties.

Tell your DD to play with other children. Talk to the teacher about helping her build some real friendships with people who will appreciate her friendship.

Ivy79 · 21/09/2017 14:54

@ElsieMc

Are you sure this horrible bunch of women are as wealthy as they claim? I have seen it all before as a grandparent carer. Their cars are probably all on lease or hp'd to the eyeballs. Their homes will have gigantic mortgages. My near neighbours did all this with monster bully wagons etc with personalised number plates, but his tearful wife told me that she dreaded when the mortgage was due every month and was regularly in tears.

This. I think you will find many people who have big 5 bed executive homes and a 20 grand car, shop in waitrose, and harp on about their 'wealth,' are hugely in debt, with a mortgage that would scare the life out of anyone.

People I know, who are actually wealthy (have land/business/wealth/a property that makes the 5 bed executive homes look like a shed etc) don't actually even mention it, and you would never know they were wealthy. The ones who go on about it, and flaunt their 'wealth' are often the ones who are trying to prove something, and are often very far in debt.

I agree with the poster who said don't say any anything to them. Just give them a wide berth, and distance yourself from them. Your life will be hell if you tell them what you think of them. And your daughter's life might be too!

Sprinklestar · 21/09/2017 16:50

The irony being that really wealthy people often couldn't give a fig what others wear and will turn up in any old thing because they don't feel the need to 'prove' to everyone else just how much cash they have...

RoboticSealpup · 21/09/2017 17:07

They sound like pathetic try-hards. And if they can't afford private school they're clearly not that wealthy.

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 17:10

Your 'friend's' DD sounds like a mini-mean girl in training

Wow, young girl plays with children other than OP's kid and grown women bitch about her online?
Way to teach girls young: don't do what you want, you have to always be nice instead. Subjugate your own needs for others at all times.

ICantStoptheDogChasingFlies · 21/09/2017 17:19

I really feel for you, OP. It sounds very painful.

I would only say something if you want to salvage the friendship - if you think that she's a genuinely nice person, then open up a dialogue and maybe she'll see how she's been hurting you. If you don't think that's the case though, I would just quietly distance myself. You will likely find other, more kindred souls in the playground instead!

desertmum · 21/09/2017 18:32

well they obviously aren't as well off as they would like people to think, if they were they would send their children to private school. Make new friends OP they sound horrible.

Original poster
LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 19:00

I've popped back to give you an update on what happened at pick up. I purposely stood back and on my own away from the group. It was only when my DD came to the gate that I stepped forward and they asked me why I was stood all the way back there and made a joke about ignoring them. My friend then practically chased after me up the road asking what was wrong and I just said "nothing". She has since sent me a text asking me what was wrong and to please tell her as she can tell there's something up and I'm not really sure how to reply!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 21/09/2017 19:31

A family group conference may be a goid way forward. Ask ss

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 19:32

You could go with talking about how you feel like a proper grown up rather than this passive aggresive meanness?

Inthecar81 · 21/09/2017 19:37

I'd say at the next opportunity "oh I totally understand about the private school thing. If I was in your position I would do it in a heartbeat. Why don't you?"

The whole group must be there.

And let them squirm and answer one by one.

Then don't bother with them again. They sound like total arses.

Oldie2017 · 21/09/2017 19:39

Ths is one of the major advantages of always working full time never mind the money you make. You avoid all this awful school run business.

The solution is get a full time job and get someone else to collect the child.

Inthecar81 · 21/09/2017 19:43

I've been in a PTA clique that was truly toxic, left and haven't looked back.

In fact it's in free fall - and another more official parents group has been set up 😂

Karma is a bitch.

If you feel like they're awful then other parents will have thought it too.

Good luck on your play date.

KERALA1 · 21/09/2017 19:47

Yes because there just is not bitchiness or power play in offices at all is there? Never Hmm

Yes anecdata but I never witnessed anything at my 8 years at the school gate one hundredth as bad as the way the "alpha males" treated each other and women when I worked in the City.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2017 20:05

It sounds as if she perhaps does like you then. It's not clear. It could be that she's oblivious to how she comes across. Would you consider sending a text explaining how you feel? This would give her the choice to modify her behaviour or be a bitch.

One of the mums at school says really gauche things and I've come to the conclusion it's not malicious however it sounds. It just she's so different from me (and my friend), who is the one, she says hurtful things to.

derxa · 21/09/2017 20:08

I am a farmer and i sent my children to private school because my parents were farmers and left me the money. i have a Scottish accent
whatever

KERALA1 · 21/09/2017 20:14

Hmm but a Scottish accent is "fine" as is yorkshire, Irish etc. There is an unfair prejudice against a broad yokel Somerset accent. No way on gods earth would anyone with that accent have been employed where I used to work (magic circle international City law firm).

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