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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave this bitchy snobby mum's clique

198 replies

LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 11:05

I've name changed as the location might out me.

My DD has just started school. She has moved into reception with about 15 children who attended the school nursery so all the parents know each other quite well.

I've been friends with my DD's best friend's mum for about 2 years. I always knew she was abit snobby but when it's just us on our own she's great. We are total opposites - she is originally from a "posher" part of the country and I'm from the countryside. Our accents are totally different, she is a manager I work in a supermarket, she lives in a lovely house I live in a terraced 3 bed, her and her partner have quite abit of money, me and my partner scrape through.

This hasn't really become apparent or been a problem until the girls started school. She has started to make comments about her DD has started to come back speaking with the local accent and that she is annoyed and has told her daughter that we speak "properly and nicely". She has also said that her DD's behaviour has started to decline rapidly after starting school 3 weeks ago and this must be to do with the fact that it's a state school rather than private and she's clearly picking it up from other children at school.

We are friends with 3 other mums from the school who have the same views as my friend - they are all wealthy etc and they were all stood discussing it today, saying how they wish they could move their children to private schools as their children coming home and speaking "that way" disgusts them and its clearly because they are mixing with common children.

I came home and felt very sad. Partly because I don't know why these mums are friends with me because I'm supposedly everything that they hate and also that my DD is probably seen to them as "one of those kids" as she has the same accent as me!

My DD told me yesterday that her best friend told her that she didn't want to play with her anymore. I asked my friend about it and she said that her DD had said that my DD kept following her around and she had told her to go and tell a teacher if my DD kept following her after she had told her she didn't want to play with her anymore. I think that's really mean! I guess what I'm trying to say is that our views are totally different.

AIBU to just step away from this group? I don't know if I'm over reacting or not?

OP posts:

Aworldofmyown · 21/09/2017 11:51

You have nothing to lose if you think your going to back away from them anyway - least they'll know why!!!!

I would definitely try and encourage some other friendships for your daughter too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2017 11:52

Regarding your dd following her dd around and not wanting to play with your dd. I'd go and have a word with the teacher. At dds school, they are always very inclusive and wouldn't stand for a child being ostracised like that. The mother said the complete wrong thing and her attitude is toward your dd is rather "mean girl". When dd was in the first few years of school, I encouraged her to play with as many children as possible. If your dd is struggling to find people to play with at the moment, there may be a playground buddy scheme running at the school, where an older child is in the playground with the littlies to help them pal up with other children.

My dd had something like this happen to her when she was a year up from your dd. Instigated by something said by the mother to her dd. There are a lot of supposedly middle class "naice" mummies at dds school, who are basically catty as hell and this mother is one of them.

I'm actually in one of the larger houses and could have afforded to send dd private, I suspect unlike these women, who think they are so special. I have just as much of a problem getting on with these people as you. I'm sure your friends would have something unkind to say about me as well. I have friends living in houses similar to mine and a lot smaller including some with much broader accents! I'm not a local and don't really have an accent myself but people are people, I don't socialise with them for what they have, it's who they are.

I used to hang around with all the parents from dds nursery. I considered them friends. And got dropped. Perhaps just have a look round the playground, see if there are any nice mums more similar to you and invite their child on a play date. Maybe both of you will find some new friends as your dd progresses through shcool. I did.

Original poster

LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 11:52

I will give you an example - in our local area we say bath, grass, laugh etc in the "common" way whereas this group of mums say them in the posher term. They are disgusted that their children are using the common term rather than the posher term

OP posts:

Maudlinmaud · 21/09/2017 11:52

You're on the road to no town staying involved with these arses. Distance yourself, no need to say anymore or anything to the school. I guarantee you people know exactly what they are like
Keep your head held high lovely.

Original poster

LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 11:55

Thankyou mummy that's really given me food for thought. Our school do have a buddy system and I think I will go and have a word with the teacher about this.

OP posts:

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff · 21/09/2017 11:56

Leave her and the others to it. They sound pathetic.

MrsMHasIt · 21/09/2017 11:58

She is jealous of those better off than her.
Scared of those worse off than her.

You sound lovely op. If you're feeling feisty why not arrange a PTA fundraiser round yours for all these mummies - wine and old sitcoms. Get yourself an old banger for the front garden, a string vest for your husband and reruns of Keeping Up Appearances.

Then some new friends!

Original poster

LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 11:58

Thankyou Maud I feel decidedly shit about myself at the moment. I am ashamed to say I bought some Joules wellies, and other name brand clothes from eBay second hand (funds didn't stretch to new) just so that I could fit in. Now I just think it doesn't matter what I do - I will never fit in with them

OP posts:

MrsMHasIt · 21/09/2017 11:59

Op. My favourite saying at the moment:

Don't go bankrupt trying to look rich.

I'll say it again, you sound lovely.

KERALA1 · 21/09/2017 12:00

Although the class system cuts both ways. I am roundly ignored by a group of mums in my dds class despite tentative friendly overtures. Apparently it's because I am "posh" .

If it's affecting your dd though I would go in.

Original poster

LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 12:01

MrsM you don't know how true that rings in my ears right now. Thankyou

OP posts:

Ttbb · 21/09/2017 12:02

If the kids have the same accent as you then it's probably best to end the friendship now. She has found her crowd of hypocrites who expect a certain kind of environment and behaviour from their children but aren't willing to put their money where there mouthes are. Go find someone who actually respects you enough not to indirectly insult you to your face.

Tinycitrus · 21/09/2017 12:03

Most people switch between clear professional tones with a accent and a more relaxed way if speaking with friends. It's a way of bonding with your peers and those children are just trying to fit in.

Those women are just very silly.

Maudlinmaud · 21/09/2017 12:06

Lurpack don't you dare feel bad. Rise about it, I can not abide snobs. People have tried this with me and I've cried in the past over their attitudes, fairly recently as it happens. But I know it's routed in insecurity on their part and it was a waste of my energy giving the issue any head space.

Mittens1969 · 21/09/2017 12:07

You sound like a lovely mum to your DD. It's such a worrying time when your child starts at reception, as you worry about them settling in. But your DD will make other friends. There will be other children in the same boat looking for a friend. I agree with the advice to get to know some of the mums who are not in that clique.

StaplesCorner · 21/09/2017 12:07

If she wants to move so that her daughter can attend a different secondary school then it sounds like a win win situation - tell her to get on to it ASAP!

LostwithSawyer · 21/09/2017 12:12

They sound charming.

I would distance myself from them. Stop speaking to them.
They'll want you before you want them.
Don't change who you are for other people.

Speak to your little girl about how good it is to make new friends and to have lots of friends.
Kids normally make friends so easily.

The less you talk about them at home the better.

Kids forget very easily and I bet soon enough your girl will have new friends.

user1483981877 · 21/09/2017 12:21

Crikes, this is quite reassuring to read, sorry to say OP. My daughter is excluded due to being quiet, as am I. It feels like the worse form of social disease, made worse now I also have depression! I love that she is totally oblivious to it though, long may that last. I would advise you to just plough on, don't bitch, and don't accept ridiculous comments like that one from your 'friend'. And stop buying clothes to fit in, don't waste your cash or your concern on these women, just be ok with being you. Unless of course you just like the clothes anyway in which case, crack on!

sporadicrains · 21/09/2017 12:23

This is a curious phenomenon.

If it so easy for children to lose their 'naice' accent and adopt the 'common' one, why does it never seem to happen the other way round? Why doesn't a 'posh' accent rub off on the riff-raff?

Sprinklestar · 21/09/2017 12:24

Don't they sound like a herd of pretentious cows? I have a regional accent. My children go to private schools. They'd love me!

MrsHathaway · 21/09/2017 12:24

I'm seriously thinking of bringing it up at school pick up - just by saying to my friend that I'm unsure how I fit into that group because what they are slagging off is me.

That's a very dignified way of putting it. People who put other groups down do so because they are "other" and "not us" so you will force them to recognise that there's no such thing, or to admit that that really is what they think of you, in which case they're no friends at all and not worthy of your attention.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2017 12:24

You bought some joules wellies to fit in . You really do need some new friends. I don't rate joules that highly. Dd had some joules wellies and they split. Overpriced tat for the most part. I bought a rain jacket from there. Washed it once and it is a rain sponge. Next you'll be buying Boden from eBay . I don't pay full price there but I do have some nice bits in the sale, think £30/35 for a dress.

Don't go bankrupt trying to look rich. I love it!

And I agree with Sawyer. Talk to her lots about playing with lots of different children and playing with kind friends, who are nice to her. Remember you also need to lead by example. If she sees your "friends" treating you badly, she'll think that's acceptable for others to behave the same way to her.

MrsHathaway · 21/09/2017 12:26

This is a curious phenomenon. If it so easy for children to lose their 'naice' accent and adopt the 'common' one, why does it never seem to happen the other way round? Why doesn't a 'posh' accent rub off on the riff-raff?

Er, it does?

My father moved from deprived Tyne and Wear to leafy Surrey at around age 7. You can bet he was speaking in a refined accent within months. He can still do us a good Byker Grove on request, but you'd never know he was born north of the Thames.

Original poster

LurpackLover · 21/09/2017 12:26

user my DH is absolutely baffled as to why I have bought these clothes as they are not my usual style. He was also bemused on the first day of school when I wore one of my latest eBay purchases for the first time and one of the mums commented on how nice it was and was it new to which I exclaimed "no I've had it for ages!" He cannot understand it and will always turn up to pick up looking like a handsome scruff bag

OP posts:

KingLooieCatz · 21/09/2017 12:26

What MaudlinMaud said - don't you dare feel bad! You're worth ten of them.

Their children's behavior may have deteriorated since starting school, because most children find school EXHAUSTING at the start. If they don't realize this then it speaks volumes. Children inevitably pick up the predominant accent around them. As adults they may very well revert to "RP" in certain situations. Or they may not.

If they don't like it they'd best keep the children locked up at home for the next ten years.

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