To leave this bitchy snobby mum's clique

[LurpackLover]

I've name changed as the location might out me.

My DD has just started school. She has moved into reception with about 15 children who attended the school nursery so all the parents know each other quite well.

I've been friends with my DD's best friend's mum for about 2 years. I always knew she was abit snobby but when it's just us on our own she's great. We are total opposites - she is originally from a "posher" part of the country and I'm from the countryside. Our accents are totally different, she is a manager I work in a supermarket, she lives in a lovely house I live in a terraced 3 bed, her and her partner have quite abit of money, me and my partner scrape through.

This hasn't really become apparent or been a problem until the girls started school. She has started to make comments about her DD has started to come back speaking with the local accent and that she is annoyed and has told her daughter that we speak "properly and nicely". She has also said that her DD's behaviour has started to decline rapidly after starting school 3 weeks ago and this must be to do with the fact that it's a state school rather than private and she's clearly picking it up from other children at school.

We are friends with 3 other mums from the school who have the same views as my friend - they are all wealthy etc and they were all stood discussing it today, saying how they wish they could move their children to private schools as their children coming home and speaking "that way" disgusts them and its clearly because they are mixing with common children.

I came home and felt very sad. Partly because I don't know why these mums are friends with me because I'm supposedly everything that they hate and also that my DD is probably seen to them as "one of those kids" as she has the same accent as me!

My DD told me yesterday that her best friend told her that she didn't want to play with her anymore. I asked my friend about it and she said that her DD had said that my DD kept following her around and she had told her to go and tell a teacher if my DD kept following her after she had told her she didn't want to play with her anymore. I think that's really mean! I guess what I'm trying to say is that our views are totally different.

AIBU to just step away from this group? I don't know if I'm over reacting or not?

If you really want to dump them, I would say something like "Oh it's nothing. I just didn't feel like talking to anyone today." Do this a few times and they'll get the message.

If you want to give them another chance, I would say something like "Oh, I don't feel comfortable being there when you guys talk about your kids picking up my dd's accent". They'll apologize and not do that again. But then you already who they really are...

I think there are legitimate pros and cons either way.

Be honest and tell her whats wrong.

If they offend you ditch them.

You also need to teach your daughter to stop hassling this woman's daughter. Nothing worse than class mate following you all the time. Tell your daughter to play with someone else. Just like you need to.

oh, it sounds familiar. I organized a birthday party for my six-year old son a few years ago and told him that he could invite whom he wanted. So he invited all his friends, as well as his classmate who was from a posh family. I had no idea his mother was so snobby. When I asked this woman if her son is coming she completely ignored me (I am a foreigner), turned to my husband (he is British) and said 'yes, my son will come'. I thought maybe I misunderstood something. Then she brought her son to the party and when giving the present she wouldn't give it to my son: she just put the present next to him, on the table (like he was dirty and she was squimish or something) in a very demonstrative way, so my son was left standing there with a stretched hand. I was completely gobsmacked. A few parents noticed and commented on how rude she was and told me she does not like foreigners, but still it was very unpleasant. I understand that she is entitled to her opinion but then I think she shouldn't have accepted the invitation. Luckily, my son was too young to fully uderstand what had happened.

sorry, spelling mistake: 'squeamish', not 'squimish'

How sad they are. It's a tragedy that they think these things matter and it's unlikely that you can explain or convert such shallow people if this is how they have thought about others for most of their adult lives. Tragic too that they are bringing children up with the same ideas, as they too will be confined to a group of people who think as they do, and they are certainly in the minority.

Not sure I understand the question- why on earth would you want to see them ? What would be the point of that?

If they believe post codes make people superior then they are quite loony anyway. More seriously though if they are racist then keeping your child from such toxic attitudes is simple safeguarding. Be thankful you got your daughter away when she is young, less damaged.

I'd step away from the group and find some like minded mums who you can relate to. 7 years of that is a long time!
My husband and I have southern accents but live in the north now. Part of me finds it amusing when they come home with the local dialect but also I try to correct a little. But that's only because I think it's strange that they would speak differently to us. I would never say anything to them about it though and never try to stop their friendship with other girls because of it.

They need to get a grip on reality. You need to remind them that their children are at the state school for the reason that they don't have enough money for a private school hence they wouldn't fit in there either. You could also mention that they need to work harder and they might then be able to afford it! They sound entitled and awful. Keep away from them and encourage your DD to find different friends. What a vile set of people.

Those people have no class whatsoever.

The local private school here - very high fees - has more Chinese and Asian pupils than whites, so not sure where they get the idea that private schools are full to the brim with little anglo saxons. Not necessarily the case. It's also very sad that your DD has to experience this sort of rejection at such a young age and that they were sufficiently ill-mannered to discuss accents et alia in front of you and for this snobbish little person to tell you to your face that she didn't want her DD to play with hers. I can understand you feeling sad and angry. Totally toxic and very ignorant group of people, not half as good as they think they are. I would be avoiding them in your position. Reminds me of when i went to university and the public school crowd would take the piss out of my accent.

I had a similar situation with DS and my 'best friend'. History is currently repeating itself with DD 😩
I have started to understand that most people are just so completely self absorbed and treat even their friends appallingly. I wish I had the answer.

I think you should talk to her and explain that her and the other women's talk has left you feeling uncomfortable as the people they are denigrating are the same as you!
She might actually not have realised what she's doing - or she might come out with the time-honoured "oh we don't mean you, you're all right".
But you won't know, or be able to improve anything, unless you talk to her.

It might iprove their attitudes, you never know!

Oh goodness, what a vile pit of snakes they appear to be! I am common, I come from a common family, we are all very well educated, but for the purposes of this conversation, common. I bought a lovely Victorian terrace in the Midlands, it really was quite a nice 'up and coming area', then came the credit crunch, and my house is now worth peanuts, the area is totally degraded and the schools are horrific. I sent my daughter to a very good private school, the fees were a bit more than nursery, but not much. My daughter is now 13 years old, and we decided we wanted her teenage years to be somewhere marvellous! The midland city is not now marvellous, in fact it's bloody dangerous! So we moved to the South East coast, and my very clever girl won herself a place at one of the oldest and most prestigious private schools in the country. There are a surprising amount of parents like us at this school, and many many crap cars in the car park!
I literally wipe back sides to keep us afloat. I can assure you that those wittering bitches would not fit in to a really 'posh' school, they probably couldn't afford it, or they would have to give up the holidays, cars and hair/beauty appointments to do so. Ditch them, they will still be paying for their Mc Mansions by the time your child has gone to university, stupid cows! (Ooh I feel better getting that out there!) 💐💐

Theyre a bunch of miserable try hards, you should get rid. My children are at private school - in the West Country - and guess what, alot of them have west country accents! Those that dont are Russian or Chinese....should I ask for a refund

Get yourself into school and tell them that this girl is excluding her, and it's not acceptable! We play with everyone - end of! Sorry sounds like the mum has told her not to play with her, and yes if they want their kids to go to private school then why are they not at one!

Your daughter is bound to make some better friends - sadly the kids with the snobby racist parents may inherit some of their parent's views, so maybe not great friend material anyway. And accents do not form the barriers that they may have done in the past - if anything they are more celebrated (TV presenters, newsreaders etc are no longer clipped plum-in-the-gob accents but more representative of the country as a whole)

Silly, silly women. Mine are at independent schools and I know of not one mum who behaves like this. There are v rich parents there and equally, many who are not and are on bursaries and scholarships. No one with any sense gives a toss. They're idiots and you're better off without them.

Kids behaviours often change when they start school as an adjustment thing.
Your friend DS response to your daughter's distress is very telling. As in, they are telling you to get better friends who love you for who you are.

maxamoo, I agree. Our private day schools are full of parents of all types and everyone is polite and gets on with people (mind you as I work full time I've always tried to avoid school collection so perhaps that's been a blessing). Parents run corner shops and put 4 wages into the school fees etc.

Everyone should treat others with kindness and always think about how something will be received. That is not to say that knowing how to speak and when to use your accent or other way of speaking is not a good life skill however. My mother taught classes of 40 children after WWII in a very poor area and even there made sure they knew what was correct English. Teachers can be too PC these days in no correcting what is wrong and the children suffer for it.

Gosh British snobbery and Little English narrow mindedness is the pits. It's all daft.
One of the best QCs I know speaks with a very local accent. He was advised not to pretend posh. He is who he is which is great.
Mostly the arrogance and snobbery hides inner insecurity.
I went state. My family were pretty posh. I had a home accent a school accent and probably an accent that fit whichever friendship group I was with. Come to that I probably still do.
So ignore the group's ignorance. Keep a careful eye your DD is not getting bullied by catty exclusion. And dip in and out of that group as the mood takes.
But don't feel sad. You are you and you is absolutely fine!

Eurgh they sound awful, your poor DD! YANBU I would distance myself from them immediately, and start my own clique of "common" mums and start having coffee mornings and nights out and not inviting them snobby biatches!!

Just DON'T waste your time worrying about these empty headed snobs, (who have aspirations of private schools, but cannot afford it anyway!!!)
You childs' life and your happy life is SO much more valuable. Spend your precious emotional energy on your own child, and make sure she is happy and content, and make sure she has plenty of friends visiting (from the "perceived lower class, but in my view, SO WAY WAY the upper class!!) drop those empty headed idiots and DO NOT waste you emotional energy, nor one more minute of your time on them. They don't deserve you. Please be strong. I have been recently, to my huge, huge relief, and that of my two daughters. You are worth SO much more than them, as is your daughter!!!! Please PROMISE !!!

If I was you encourage your dd to make some new friends, she needs lots of friends not just one or two. Encouraging this will also help you both broaden your horizons beyond this insipid small minded group.

I have to warn you whatever they are like now, fast forward four or five years and they are going to be so competitive and pushy, and will be truly awful company. Ease out quietly whilst you still have the chance and find some nicer friends