To leave this bitchy snobby mum's clique

[LurpackLover]

I've name changed as the location might out me.

My DD has just started school. She has moved into reception with about 15 children who attended the school nursery so all the parents know each other quite well.

I've been friends with my DD's best friend's mum for about 2 years. I always knew she was abit snobby but when it's just us on our own she's great. We are total opposites - she is originally from a "posher" part of the country and I'm from the countryside. Our accents are totally different, she is a manager I work in a supermarket, she lives in a lovely house I live in a terraced 3 bed, her and her partner have quite abit of money, me and my partner scrape through.

This hasn't really become apparent or been a problem until the girls started school. She has started to make comments about her DD has started to come back speaking with the local accent and that she is annoyed and has told her daughter that we speak "properly and nicely". She has also said that her DD's behaviour has started to decline rapidly after starting school 3 weeks ago and this must be to do with the fact that it's a state school rather than private and she's clearly picking it up from other children at school.

We are friends with 3 other mums from the school who have the same views as my friend - they are all wealthy etc and they were all stood discussing it today, saying how they wish they could move their children to private schools as their children coming home and speaking "that way" disgusts them and its clearly because they are mixing with common children.

I came home and felt very sad. Partly because I don't know why these mums are friends with me because I'm supposedly everything that they hate and also that my DD is probably seen to them as "one of those kids" as she has the same accent as me!

My DD told me yesterday that her best friend told her that she didn't want to play with her anymore. I asked my friend about it and she said that her DD had said that my DD kept following her around and she had told her to go and tell a teacher if my DD kept following her after she had told her she didn't want to play with her anymore. I think that's really mean! I guess what I'm trying to say is that our views are totally different.

AIBU to just step away from this group? I don't know if I'm over reacting or not?

I'm seriously thinking of bringing it up at school pick up - just by saying to my friend that I'm unsure how I fit into that group because what they are slagging off is me.

No, don't say that. It will validate their prejudice. You are better than that. Fuck 'em. You and your family sound lovely, they sound like desperate social climbers. If they could afford it I am sure they would send their kids to private school. They clearly can't afford it. It's probably their insecurities and inadequacies causing them to act like that. Looking down on other people to make themselves feel good.

Seek out some other nice kids and parents to include in your social group. Forget about these morons.

Hello

They sound like small-minded, childish people who are unfairly projecting their ignorance onto their children.

I went to private school and was surrounded by snobby kids who looked down on the kids from the neighbouring state schools. Thankfully my parents were extremely grounded and made sure that we understood how the world really worked and weren't kept in a little clique of rich kids. I found two great friends at school who are still my friends today - I have little or no interest in the rest of them.

Even if I could afford to send my kids to private school, I wouldn't. Although I had a very good academic education, I think those schools are a huge driver of inequality in this country. My son has just started at the local school where I'm very glad that he is making friends with people from a wide range of backgrounds, ethnicities and cultures - he will learn that people are different, people face different challenges in life and some people are afforded more opportunities than others, but we will support to do what he wants and to be curious about the world and the people in it, not wantonly ignorant and dismissive of people who look or sound different. That would be a cruel thing to do to a child who is just starting to learn how to interact with the world.

Anyway good luck - it must be very hard to see your DD so confused but she will find her friends, and they will do what they like regardless of what their mothers want them to do.

I suppose you are right there cest I don't see the other 3 mums socially but I do see my DD's best friend's mum socially so I suppose the other 3 mums I can't class them as friends.

User...413.
I want the best for my child. I want my dd to speak grammatically correctly. I also want her to have the ability to speak more like me at home than the people with the local accent simply because she's my child. As I already said, I'm not local and dh is French. The difference is I would certainly never criticise my friends, who are local and whose children have a much broader accent than my dd when at school or home and I hope they don't criticise or judge me. Because that is part of their familial identity. All of this is normal isn't it? Nothing to be flamed about once the judgement is taken away.

Lurpak
Enjoy your Boden dress

This thread has just inspired me to bid on an ebay dress too!!! I really don't have any money right now OP!

YANBU

By the way they shouldn't assume private school will protect them from such common people. DD is at an independent and plenty of children with a local accent....

Perhaps a nice boarding school would be the answer to their prayers - only a mere £30k or so a year out of taxed income - more as the children get older

Ignore them afraid you'll get them in every school even independents as people strive to appear to be better than everyone else. They will all make their own little clique and there is no reason to become involved

That's true actually cottonwool. Dd is very friendly with a girl at an activity, who goes to a private school. I'd say her accent is broader than my dds. As is her mother's and gps. The riff raff they let in these days . Deffo nice boarding school if they can afford the fees, uniform and extra curricular activities.

At my sons very exclusive private school (he was there on a bursery) a large proportion of the children were farmers sons / daughters. They would be shocked! : )

Unlike a PP, I actually like Joules wellies and currently have 3 pairs. I've never had any split on me or the DC; I've got rid of some because they went mouldy on the inside when I went too deep in a pond and didn't wash/dry them properly, and when my feet got bigger after pregnancy. I had to throw away Hunters after they split, though. So I'd say that regardless of whether they're your normal style, you won't have wasted money and they should be good quality.

Similarly Joules and Boden clothes do seem to last well - and if they don't, both companies refund/replace easily. However, I'd buy clothes in their sales rather than secondhand on eBay because a) you get the receipt/guarantee and b) they're cheaper. I sold some of the DC's clothes on eBay a while back and I was horrified that the bidding was so out of control - the bidder ended up paying more than I had, plus postage (I'd had free delivery & returns buying new) and I felt so guilty I chucked in a couple of extra things. I've taken everything to the charity shops since.

There is nothing wrong with insisting your DC speak correctly, but you do this in private, or through modelling the desired speech/behaviour yourself. There is everything wrong with criticising the way others speak, especially in such a derogatory, public way. Manners are more important than accent.

This woman is not your friend. She sounds awful and you and DD deserve better.

Don't make yourself bankrupt trying to look rich

So true. I used to work in a bank in Footballer belt. Some people were in debt up to their eyeballs presumably keeping up appearances. If interest rates do start to go up they'll be in trouble.

If they have those opinions and are not going private then they probably can't afford it. So no reason to be so snotty.

I'd have no patience to be honest.

Dump those bitchy moms. They are intentionally being mean to you to make themselves feel superior. Tell them you are not up to their standards and that you'll go find your own sort.

As to your dd, I am not sure what you are telling her, but she needs to leave the bestie alone. Friendship is a two way street, if someone doesn't want to be your friend, you need to just walk away. Otherwise, you are giving the other kid too much power and they may use it against you -- to bully you.

Nothing wrong with not wanting your kids to pick up a particular accent.

Yes there is. It's as snobby as fuck.

But if that's what you want, send them to private school if you believe everyone there will speak very naicely

Our DD went to private school but in no way was that because we wanted her to speak with a different accent to the local one. She had, and has, friends from all walks of life, as do OH and I.

Those women OP described sound absolutely bloody vile. They're clearly '10 bob millionaires' - Hyacinth Buckets, as a pp said.

And the one encouraging ostracising OP's DD needs knocking down a peg or two.

it's a country school which is perceived to be one of the best in the local area - and I quote from one of the mums "because there are no foreigners here unlike the school in town which is full of them"

Well aren't these Mum's a total joy to behold? NOT.
Urgh, it makes my blood boil and is sad when you encounter pathetic, ignorant people like this. I feel sorry for their children being raised by them - (only hope the fathers are nicer, more intelliegent people).
Accents are great - What a dull world it would be if we all spoke the same! And they also have absolutely NO bearing on a person's intelligence, character etc - (in my humble op).
Remove yourself from this toxic bunch, pity them and give your DD another (sure you've given her one already) big HUG. And here's a HUG for you too OP xxx

user1480267413 I think you’ll find most of us love our children, even if we do let them speak with a regional accent 🙄

misshelena its a difficult one with my DD because her bestie relies upon her heavily. For example when they started school bestie would only walk through the gate if my DD was there and I've stood and watched DD comforting bestie who cries every morning, by holding her hand and checking she's ok. I've always spoken to my DD about the importance of kindness and I have said to her that if bestie says she doesn't want to be her friend anymore or play with her then tomgo and find another friend. Sometimes she has done this and then bestie returns dragging my DD away to play with her or telling the other girls not to play with my DD. My DD gets confused by this and it's difficult for me to explain to her why her friend does this

But ..... what on earth is wrong with a parent who loves their child and wants the best in life for them, and therefore wishes them to speak grammatically, clearly and use the Queen's English?

Any argument saying parents who love their child/ want the best ... well, I won't type it.

Are you saying those who don't have a cut glass accent love their children any less? In my experience those who really forbid a hint of local accent are the ones who don't give a shit about the child's experience, but worry what the people in the naice part will think of them (Newsflash: nothing, you won't meet them, they go to prep school and you are stuck with us oiks)

I teach at a medical school, some students have strong regional accents, some cut glass, some foreign. I am sure their parents love them all.

I've encountered parents who appear obsessed with how path, grass, bath etc are pronounced.
I told them I'd been brought up to listen to WHAT people say as opposed to HOW they say it.
If it's boring or unkind, the accent really doesn't matter as I tend to lose interest in the person.
That had the desired effect of shutting them up - at least in front of me!

I think there are 2 issues here...These women are not your friends...Don't believe they are.

The second is the children's friendship..Does your DD follow the other child around? my DS did in reception and would cry when the particualr child would not play with him. In this case my DS needed to be told the child did not have to play with him and the teacher supported him getting a bigger network of friends. I would frequently had to point out how many children were in the year and how many children he could play with.

Use this as an opportunity for your DD to meet other children . It is still very new...Some children relish playing with new people others like my DS found it very difficult.

They may well come back and be friends again. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree's in this case. Don't be surprised if the child turns out like the parents.

I would also say the other child may of gone home and told her your DD is following her around and won't leave her alone.

It may well be worth having a chat with the teacher so she can keep an eye on what is going on.

Lurpack, it's probably a good idea to teach your DD that she doesn't have to have a 'bestie' and get her involved in groups outside of school with more children. A lot of schools don't encourage children to have one friend and it's often because when one child (out of their own choice, or influenced by toxic parents) want to break away, it causes a lot of hurt and confusion for the child left behind. Best learn the lesson early

Leave them to it. Too posh to push springs to mind. If they are that bothered, let them take their kids to a private school ( nothing wrong with that). My kids have travelled the world, been in 'posh' international schools - and now they have been back in East Yorkshire for 4 years, talk like their mates.All long vowels - Ooooooh nooooo, noooooo snoooow on the rooooad. Daughter just started at Edinburgh University medical school, son going to uni next year. Me, council house lad from Hull, CEO of a global business. Very hard for your daughter to understand, but honestly, leave them to it.

She does have other friends at school that are from nursery but this girl is her main friend and who she has over to our house etc.

I've taken on board the suggestions and will definitely have a chat with DD when she gets home. I've also messaged another mum about having her DD over for tea one night after school to try and broaden her out of school friendship circle

Are you sure this horrible bunch of women are as wealthy as they claim? I have seen it all before as a grandparent carer. Their cars are probably all on lease or hp'd to the eyeballs. Their homes will have gigantic mortgages. My near neighbours did all this with monster bully wagons etc with personalised number plates, but his tearful wife told me that she dreaded when the mortgage was due every month and was regularly in tears.

I wouldn't bother saying anything op. Just leave them to it. Why do you want your poor dd to play with your "friends" dd because she is clearly far too good for both of them. Leave them to it and talk to other mum's who are not judgemental and unkind.

They need to stop moaning and move their kids if they are not happy instead of poisoning the atmosphere for everyone else.

"and I quote from one of the mums "because there are no foreigners here unlike the school in town which is full of them". "

Most of the really good Independent schools have global prestige and have many foreign children in attendance. Rich Chinese and Russian Oligarchs just off the top of my head.

OP, your DD was has been very kind to bestie. That's great, kindness is it's own reward. Bestie is free to be a rotten kid and doesn't owe DD her friendship. But bestie is not entitled to have her cake and eat it too either DD is her friend or she is not. Tell DD that whenever bestie changes her mind and tries to pull DD from her other friends, to tell bestie nicely but firmly "I WANT to play with them right now. I'll find you later." If bestie cries, so be it.