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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
Tweez · 24/09/2017 09:24

....and she got the sack, when the company found out. He was gutted.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peregrina · 24/09/2017 09:25

One good thing about this thread is that it has made people aware that they are right to have concerns, and the situation may need extra vigilance. Yes, there are genuine people out there who want to befriend, but others not. Our own experience was that the genuine ones had no problem meeting family members, and were often glad to do so.

treacletoffee23 · 24/09/2017 09:41

It is interesting to look at some of pengggwns comments on other threads. Its clear that she believes in the rights of the person first and formost, which is admirable, but this is sometimes difficult when people age. Then, family can detect subtle personality changes etc or pick up on unusual behaviors. For eg my mum started to give money to a man for mowing the lawn ( he never did ) then became upset and embarrassed when asked about it. Con artists know there prey.Older people dont like to think they need help or are becoming vunerable. Tis a fine line between support and self advocacy.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treacletoffee23 · 24/09/2017 11:23

So if you found out your parent was self medicating or forgetting when they had taken medication so overdosing but insisted they knew what they were doing, what would you do?

friendlyflicka · 24/09/2017 11:39

I had this issue with my mother - she was drinking far too much - and again as with any other person, I had to tread carefully, and watch out for her without limiting her freedom because it was not mine to limit. There is that same terrible line you have to walk with addicts of any age.

I persuaded my mother to move next door to me so that I could support her as much as possible, and when she crossed the line into utter irrationality I had to take over (which was horrible). But I had to be very aware that she was a grown up and respect her as much as I could.

I don't at all take issue with the intentions of this thread. I just think that some of the language used to refer to the elderly relatives in question, is patronising and disrespectful and some of the suggestions are illegal and Pengggwyn is doing a good job pointing this out. I can't see why that is so controversial.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/09/2017 12:11

"There are many areas where I believe people make errors, but they are their errors to make..."

So you would see someone you love blindly doing something that will leave them in a worse state than they otherwise would be, and you would let them do that with zero interference or discussion, because it's "their error to make"?
I'm sorry, I think that's cold.

treacletoffee23 · 24/09/2017 12:42

Yep.
Also l unlike Pengggwn dont believe my opinions are always right lol. Rather they form a basis for discussion and exploration with those whom have had similar experiences. Sadly it seems a lot of us have. I am trying to age proof my life as much as l can to prevent becoming dependant, but nothing there are some things you cannot foresee. Sometimes as we age our world shrinks and we have to help our parents maintain as much independence within it - that includes protecting them from predators....l know that sounds over the top. Lets see if Ann hangs around once relieved of her financial responsibilities- l hope she will and all is genuine.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/09/2017 12:52

I would have a firm word with your
Mother and say she is an adult and you respect that / but you are very concerned about having someone else do her finances and ask if she will stop and hand it back to you

Also help her to set up online banking and keep an eye on it for her ???

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/09/2017 12:57

I have read all your posts, Pengggwn and that was a direct quote from the last one prior to mine.

Peregrina · 24/09/2017 13:02

Just reading treacletoffee's post of 9:41, I thought yes, I know the script there. Standard ploys of con artists.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StaplesCorner · 24/09/2017 14:25

She won't give up. Even though it doesn't benefit her, but gets everyone else down. Until you admit she is right. All of you.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tweez · 24/09/2017 14:41

*StaplesCorner'
I agree with you. You never win with people like this. Those who always have to have last word.

treacletoffee23 · 24/09/2017 15:20

Dont let it bother you....often people who are oppositional have their own issues.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dobbyclub · 24/09/2017 16:11

So you would see someone you love blindly doing something that will leave them in a worse state than they otherwise would be, and you would let them do that with zero interference or discussion, because it's "their error to make"?
thumb
It is you that decided pengg meant "blindly" and with "zero interference". She has stated she would discuss the behaviour with them but that it is not anyone else's right to take illegal steps (like hidden cameras) to stop them. Where you draw the line on responsibility to stop destructive behaviour will of course vary for everyone, but in all cases the person involved has rights to not be forcefully stopped, unless of course they are sectioned etc, which is so far from the original post it's hardly worth mentioning.

IMO this is the interesting point in the discussion which is being lost in all the pettiness. Sometimes it is hard to stand back and watch someone make what you are sure are mistakes. Even if it's 100% right to try and stop them, a successful method of doing so is usually not clear (hence some 'subtle' behaviour being suggested so OP's mum doesn't suspect her judgement is being questioned - this may be the best way forward, who knows?)

Mumsnet posters do generally have a really poor record of reading comprehension but this thread really takes the biscuit. To save everyone's time it would make life easier if posters would directly quote the actual words the poster has said (yes, yes, you did this in one post.... ) and then not wildly extrapolate to "oh so you are saying... [thing that could only be inferred if looking for an argument and not reading in good faith]."

friendlyflicka · 24/09/2017 17:56

dobbyclub Couldn't agree more

smallmercys · 25/09/2017 10:04

I do wish a few posters would not derail but take their bickering elsewhere. OP should not be sidelined or forced to start a new thread. Shame on you.

To return to the topic - OP's issue is going to affect many of us and her raising of it will help those who may be headed that way in the future. Is there a lack of an informal social framework as to what's proper and acceptable at present? No wonder you feel at sea with it, OP, and I hope you continue to get genuine support here.

treacletoffee23 · 25/09/2017 10:59

www.ageuk.org.uk/ are helpful, as are social services. In the early days G.Ps can offer advice. Its more difficult to find support or reassurance for the little worries, l found. Carers groups are good they are often advertised in the local surgery.

friendlyflicka · 25/09/2017 13:01

smallmercys The issues raised about the autonomy of the elderly and the illegality of some of the suggestions, are extremely relevant to this thread and to the wider issue. Not just pointless bickering. If posters were suggesting treating any other part of the population with surveillance cameras and control, there would be an outcry. Why is it acceptable just because some one is old, with no clear sign of loss of mental faculties, to enforce rather than suggest paths of action?