To feel uncomfortable about this

[user1471558723]

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

But MN doesn't stipulate that you have to have had something happen to a relative before you can express an opinion on it.
I tend to post on subjects I know something about.

derxa l agree.
It seems those of us advising caution have had experiences with older/ vunerable adults. Not everyone has altruistic motives and at the risk of sounding a cynic its best to be cautious. Hows it going O.P?

I have had experience with this particular issue and I felt that I had to be crucially aware that my mother was a grownup, as with all other areas, and it was a difficult balancing act.

As someone with bipolar, who has been sectioned on quite a few occasions, I am keenly aware of these issues and had very difficult times looking after my mother. I had power of attorney at these times but did not want to use it inappropriately.

And I would also say, completely irrelevant in this case because the OP is obviously an extremely close and loving daughter, that being family doesn't automatically make your intentions honourable.

Pengggwn FWIW, though I'd also be very concerned in OP's position, I agree with a lot of what you say about decisions being her mum's to make. Keeping an eye on things and also keeping communication going is important, but so is autonomy

Can I ask, though, if you'd still feel the whole thing would be for for the mum to handle, should the worst happen while she's still of sound mind? Would OP be justified in saying "it's up to you to deal with it, mum; I'll gladly advise but won't interfere"?

Pengggwn Yes, that's exactly the sort of scenario I meant

Because if they get fleeced there's the double whammy of them feeling confused and hurt that their trust has been betrayed and the family having to potentially figure out how to fund their care (if they need it) once the money's all gone.

Penggwyn, what if their judgement is affected due to the beginnings of dementia? This is the part I don't recall you addressing.

Parents don't remain sharp as a tack and then overnight forget who we are and get put in a home. The slide to full-on Alzheimer's can take years and can start with little things, like being too trusting, not seeing when people are taking advantage, and not being on top of finanicials.

I was addressing the consequences of losing their money.

I can't see why it follows that if you respect someone's autonomy and don't force help on them when they don't want it, you have to withhold help when they do

Once again I agree in principle

However we're all human, and it seems a bit hard if a loving son or daughter - especially one who's willingly helped from decent motives and since been thrust aside - is then expected to swoop in and pick up the pieces from a competent adult's free choice

I've no doubt most of us would do it anyway (even while muttering under our breath) but it might be difficult not to feel at least a bit aggrieved

Sorry if I've missed this bit on the thread but has the OP had any contact with Anne herself?

I visited an elderly friend of my Mum's recently and on asking her (before the visit) if I could bring anything she asked if I could bring her some cash and she'd give me a cheque. I gave her the £90 that she asked for but also texted her son to say I was doing so as my name appearing on her bank statement might have looked rather strange.

If Anne is not prepared to meet up with the OP (if requested) and to be open about what she is doing, then alarm bells will ring.

Surely, anyone that is just being helpful would be happy to be transparent for fear of being accused of dodgy dealings when the intention is kindness?

Well, I think the slippery slope from competency to dementia is extremely relevant.

Granted an adult child can't go in app guns blazing (as the op has demonstrated in her careful, caring approach), but there is a time in the arc of some of our parents' lives when they want to be the sole decision makers but they are not competent to fill that role and need us at their side.

Personally, as a divorced parent working full-time, I didn't spend endless hours sorting out my mum's shopping, financials, laundry, and eventually a care home for jollies. I did it because when she appeared just a bit forgetful she was fleeced of her life savings & I had to step in as the bastard who did it has run through her money and was starting to rack up debt in her name. I wish I'd realised sooner that "a bit forgetful" can have very sad consequences.

We can't assume control over the finances of the elderly 'just in case'.

But this isn't what OP was saying. Her instinct is making her question is this all 100% above board. You have chosen to interpret it as adult children rushing in to take over their elderly relatives' affairs, and some do, because they are not 100% honest. Getting the paperwork sorted for POA and making a will is something we can do 'just in case', and as I said, the paperwork can lie in a drawer untouched for years because it's not needed.

Re wills - a lot of us know of cases where the elderly person never got round to making a will, or thought it tempting fate and always intended the money to go to say, the grandchildren. Then the family find that the rules of intestacy do not work the way they wanted them to and the money from the estate is distributed otherwise.

POA can only be set up when the recipient is deemed in full control of their faculties. It only kicks in when they are not. This mental capacity is decided by professionals not family, so it cant just be set up on a whim.
I suppose it is there " just in case" just like life insurance etc. Hopefully never needed, but useful when it is.

While we are on the subject of POAs - do keep an eye on them, that you still want the same people to act. MIL had appointed a sister as an attorney, who died, and a friend who became incapacitated herself. MIL has now changed this. She's also written to her Doctors to allow them to talk to her children about her health, if necessary. It hasn't been necessary so far, but could be. MIL after years of very robust health had a bout of sickness last year, and isn't fully the same now.

Similarly people who she knows at Church now collect her and bring her home and will take her shopping, when she always used to walk, and in fact misses doing so, but realises she no longer can. But - these are people who she's either known for 60 odd years, or in some cases one or other of the family went to school with them or their children.