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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
Mewswalk22 · 23/09/2017 19:21

OP - in response to your last post where you said something about your mum not being keen for you to meet this lady, could this be because your mum has agreed to give her money and is aware that she has fallen foul of this person but doesn't want it to be known / maybe feels embarrassed / is trying hard to hide her memory problems? Again I am another poster speaking from experience within Social Services and one of the previous posters here is correct - there is a horrible gray area that is exploited, the law says if you have capacity you are free to do what you wish with your money. these people can take a long time to worm their way in and when they do there is little that can be done. Heartbreaking to read previous posts on the matter but it does happen sadly.!

Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 19:40

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Peregrina · 23/09/2017 19:59

I think the greyness comes when it's not clear whether the person still has capacity or not. There will usually be odd incidents which seem out of character, and as one offs wouldn't signify anything, but when they begin to mount up, a pattern begins to emerge.

Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 20:04

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Peregrina · 23/09/2017 20:16

Pengggwyn. I think you know what I am saying. Yes, we know a medical person has to certify that a person is not competent, but, and I have seen this so often with elderly friends and relatives, there is that period when people aren't sure, whether it's normal forgetfulness or something more. And that's the time when the unscrupulous can move in and take advantage.

Some of the cases written about on this thread are a testament to that.

StaplesCorner · 23/09/2017 20:21

I was going to write earlier today that I've been on a few threads with Penggywn and its a bit like the Monty Python sketch "is this the right room for an argument?" Posters with genuine heartfelt views contribute thinking its an intelligent discussion.

As she said to me earlier, just because she has no experience doesn't mean she can't have an opinion, and that opinion is always right.

Peregrina · 23/09/2017 20:27

"is this the right room for an argument?"

I had to laugh at that. Still, at least one poster has been made aware of the problems which can arise when taking care of elderly relatives, so that must be good.

Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 20:30

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 20:32

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friendlyflicka · 23/09/2017 20:34

I think that it is good having the other point of view on here. I would not have posted at all, except that I was so shocked by all the early posts talking about surveillance etc. I think it is good to have a balanced conversation about this important area of concern.

Peregrina · 23/09/2017 20:45

They are not dependents. We can't decide for them.

No, but that's when we can be eyes and ears for them, and encourage them to question. I recall a case with DF, before we realised he was losing his capacity. He was paying some gardeners, who were charging handsomely, but somehow there didn't seem to be much to show for it. Big garden - we were working at the top, blah, blah. DB was quite sure they were trying it on, so parked in a place where the gardeners couldn't see him, but he could see them sitting in the garage drinking tea and chatting for the four hours they were being paid for. So he marched in and gave them the push. Was that wrong when he saw someone blatantly on the fiddle? DB then found reliable gardeners for DF.

DF when he was working held a senior position and wouldn't have stood for any such nonsense from people trying it on, but this dithering and not being sure about the gardeners was one of the first sign that things were not quite right with him.

treacletoffee23 · 23/09/2017 20:47

There are lots of grey areas unfortunately. Yes elderly parents can become dependants . lts up to us to help them and support them with dignity ..but its hard and those of us with experience may be best to offer informed opinion as maybe we have been where O.P has been and recognise the signs.
Staples- l was beginning to wonder that myself

MarciaBlaine · 23/09/2017 20:53

Penggg you seem to be completely defending the ability of others to rip off elderly defenceless people. My grandad lived til he was 90. He did not have dementia. He was vulnerable though and not always reasonable. He would worry himself senseless about certain groundless things and not worry at all about things that were more important. My auntie had POA in his last years and did his weekly shop/sorted Bills etc. I would have been hugely suspicious of anyone trying to usurp that role. Visiting someone, bringing cake, or taking them to a shared activity is fine. Trying to takeover admin and shopping roles ALREADY done by someone else would be a huge red flag. I really don't understand why you can't see that.

Teddy1970 · 23/09/2017 21:22

You're right to be concerned OP. my DHs grandmother was fleeced out of money quite a few times, I hate to say it, but the older generation are too trusting sometimes, DHs grandmother fell for every sob story going...putting age aside for a minute, if you met a new friend would you let her handle YOUR finances? No, you wouldn't and people would think you're mad if you did, so I don't see why your mum's situation is any different.

MarciaBlaine · 23/09/2017 21:55

Yes -the too trusting thing is a HUGE thing. There is NO reason for Anne to take over these tasks. It says nothing about the mental capabilities of OPs mother, Pengg, for all your talk that by urging caution we are consigning her to childlike status. People take the piss ALL THE TIME. It is staggering how much they do it.

StaplesCorner · 24/09/2017 00:33

Why would I hold an opinion and not think it was right? - said without a hint of irony Hmm

I thought this was a discussion - so why are you just contradicting everyone then? It goes like this - a poster says "oh dear that's awful/sad/worrying/cause for concern" and you come on and say "oh no it isn't". Over and over again.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 06:49

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Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 06:50

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SoupDragon · 24/09/2017 07:39

But you are saying that those who are concerned that someone is being ripped off should butt out. Thus leaving them vulnerable to being ripped off.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 07:40

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Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 08:11

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Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 08:13

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Peregrina · 24/09/2017 09:18

If I contradict someone it is because I think they are demonstrably wrong.

But there have been times when you what you have written can be read wrongly. You have taken people to task for saying 'Get your POA as soon as you can' etc. assuming that the younger relative is doing it for their own benefit, when the elder person has to think about it whilst they are still of sound mind.

We've talked about grey areas, 'legally not', OK, but many of us can give examples that the first signs of relatives losing their mental competence is when new 'friends' start to rip them off.

Tweez · 24/09/2017 09:19

Pengggwn
If we said the grass was green, I think you would disagree. As said before, you do not understand how this situation feels unless you experience it yourself. You are entitled to have your opinion, of course, but it is. When my dad, who was totally aware of his faculties paid for one of his carers to go on holiday, he didn't ring me to ask if he was doing the right thing. He just did it, because he wanted to. She had been pleading poverty to him and became his 'friend'. He bought her clothes and expensive presents...she took them. He was happy to do so, but didn't tell me or ask. He thought it was a good thing yo do. I suppose you will think that's ok as well. When he died, she was nowhere to be seen of course.

Pengggwn · 24/09/2017 09:23

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