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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 20/09/2017 15:16

Sounds very worrying op, stop your mum giving this new friend access to her personal affairs if you can.

krustykittens · 20/09/2017 15:16

You say you used to do the admin stuff for your Mum. Did you stop doing it before Ann came on the scene? If not, if this woman started doing this things before you get the chance to do them, then I think you should meet up with her and say you are happy to do these tasks and very UNHAPPY if she tries to do them, given that these are your mother's private affairs and not to be handled by anyone outside the family. However, you need to talk to your mother about this first. She is of sound mind, this lady could be a genuine friend and while you are right to be careful, you need your mother on board to help you put boundaries in place.

Oogle · 20/09/2017 15:16

Hmm, I'm conflicted here. Someone I consider to be one of my best friends is 42 years older than me - she's mid-70s. I will often pop in to help out with whatever she needs and I genuinely enjoy her company. One of her children is very busy and the other lives abroad so she often asks if I would help her (she can no longer drive due to ill health) and I'm always happy to help. I'm certainly not out to fleece her.

Having said that, I have no involvement in her finances. If she asked me to, I would reluctantly help her sort out insurance or whatever but she's mentally competent and can do that herself so I would be surprised if she ever asked me.

just5morepeas · 20/09/2017 15:17

I wouldn't want someone I didn't know involved in my elderly parents finances.

cjt110 · 20/09/2017 15:18

Just a thought - if you think there is something untoward here could you get a power of attorney? Could be way off the mark. My Dad's father has dementia and 2 of his children have a power of attorney for him.

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 15:19

I can see how my mum might have introduced the idea of her struggling with her own Admin as she is cross with herself that she can't manage it these days. She might even have asked for Anne's advice. Yet if I were Anne I would have asked her why doesn't her family help her. Also Anne has started to do shopping for my mum, I did ring Anne and tell her she doesn't need to as I do the shopping. She explained it was no problem and she loves helping my mother as she is "a breath of fresh air to her".

OP posts:
TheRealBiscuitAddict · 20/09/2017 15:19

Lots of people fall victim to scammers. But all the OP can do is speak to her mum. Even along the lines of "look, I know that you've formed quite a nice friendship with this woman, but you need to ask yourself why she would be interested in helping you with your finances. You're making yourself very vulnerable by giving her access to that kind of information.

Anything beyond speaking to the party involved is out of order, because she is a grown woman, she is mentally competent, and if despite the warnings she can't see that she is potentially being scammed then that has to be her mistake to make. Because there's a possibility that she isn't being scammed and besides which she has the right to engage with whom so ever she chooses.

MaybeDoctor · 20/09/2017 15:19

I would be wary. Particularly with the way that Anne has already set up a narrative of needing sympathy/help.

Age Concern have some resources about financial abuse, I think? Not saying it is that, but perhaps sharing something with your mum might be a good idea.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 15:20

My elderly Mum, when in the very early undiagnosed stage of dementia, was scammed out of well over sixty thousand pounds. I would be very concerned about Anne. I would try and visit more often, or perhaps have your Mum to stay with you for a little while? Your Mum might be mentally competent op, but at almost 90 she may also have had a very slight decline, not enough to not manage in her familiar home, but enough to be more trusting and less flexible in her thinking. This is what happened with my Mum. If Anne was simply kindly helping out, then knowing that you are a frequent visitor, she would leave any financial matters to you. Anyone knows that financial stuff with old people is not something to get involved with as a new friend. I think you need to find out more about Anne. Alarm bells ringing here OP.

FoofFighter · 20/09/2017 15:25

imo this is a safeguarding issue.

Your local council should have an adults safeguarding dept that you can contact for some advice.

pigsDOfly · 20/09/2017 15:25

Developing a friendship with someone is one thing. Getting details of another person's finances is over stepping the mark.

If OP's DM is so on the ball and able to take care of everything why did she need OP's help with them?

Clearly OP's DM does feel she needs someone to help her with these often complex issues because up until this woman stepped in OP was doing it, so really she isn't totally competent in matters financial and able to take care of herself. I think OP has every right to feel she should suss this woman out.

People can and do get taken in by 'kind' new friends and there are a great many scammers out there.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 15:25

I think you need to firmly assert (with Anne) what you do for your own Mother. She may be someone who feels validated by being needed, but she may also be a criminal. Certainly she is willfully overstepping boundaries and deliberately ignoring your wishes. That in itself is extremely worrying.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 20/09/2017 15:27

If Anne is doing shopping for your mother, how is this being paid for? Does she use your mother's bank card or organise a bank transfer? If it is anything other than cash transactions I would be concerned.

EternalOptimistToo · 20/09/2017 15:27

Maybe another angle would be to say that YOU!want to do the admin and/or the shopping with your mum as you then feel that you can actually help her even if you aren't that close (in distance).

In effect, rather than talking about Anne being ok or not as a person, you talk about you and the fact you want to be there for her rather than feeling like a spare part.
Then it doesn't stop Anne to still come to the house and enjoy 'the breath of fresh air'.

I have to say I wasn't uncomfortable with the idea that your mum and that woman got on well. I am more uncomfortable that she doesn't seem to take a (subtle?) no as an answer. Surely she must realise that looking at people financial stuff isn't right?

HidingUnderARock · 20/09/2017 15:28

Is there any way that you could quietly check out Anne's background and match it to what she has told your mother?
Someone with an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer. ticks so very many boxes that unless she has only just moved to the area, someone you know must know (of) her. If she has only just moved or is otherwise untraceable then I think you have your answer, though you would still have to persuade your mum.
I would certainly be suspicious.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 20/09/2017 15:28

If she doesn't have any agenda she won't mind being asked to stay away from the paperwork/finances.

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 15:28

Thank you all, especially those who have shared personal stories like Sirvix. I'm going to have to find a way to speak to my mum. It's so difficult I have tried to broach the subject but it just makes her
Prickly and secretive. I'm afraid that she might not confide in me
if things go wrong. It feels a bit like playing Russian roulette.

OP posts:
AnnetteCurtains · 20/09/2017 15:29

Now I've read that Anne does her shopping too now I think she's trying to push you out
shes gone from wanting a quiet refuge to embedding herself in your mothers personal affairs
She knew exactly what you were saying when you said about her doing the shopping
I'd be worried

onalongsabbatical · 20/09/2017 15:30

Ok, I think there should be alarm bells ringing. I’ve got an 88 year old neighbour who I’m friendly with, who lost her husband a couple of years ago, who I visit once a week or so. She has two children. I’ve only got to know her since her husband died. She quite often asks me for help with this and that – her children both have children of their own and drive to visit her regularly, whereas I’m only a couple of doors down. I’d be very wary of ‘taking over’ anything monetary or very personal, I’m very fond of her and I’m glad I’m there to help, but I’d hate her family to think I was in any way overstepping any boundaries. If they had any concern I’d be more than happy for them to be suspicious of me, because it would show me that they’re looking out for their mum, and that they understand that she’s vulnerable.
For me, the fact that it’s gone from a lift to several times a week and financial advice doesn’t sound right. If she’s really a friend, she’s surely only going to be glad that you’re watching out for your mum. And I would, if I were you, keep a careful watch on this, and try and get the financial things, at least, back in your own domain. Something doesn’t feel right. Really hope that helps.

ZoeWashburne · 20/09/2017 15:32

I think it is fine to have Anne give rides and companionship, but draw a firm line with regards to administrative work, handling finances, insurance, or anything money related.

At best, money and friendship do not mix. At worst, Anne could be predatory.

derxa · 20/09/2017 15:32

Be very wary OP. I speak from personal experience.

Hekabe · 20/09/2017 15:33

I totally get posters commenting about the right to make own decisions, and to have friends. Of course! However, if it were me... I'd make sure to be there the next few times. I'm rather protective of my Mum, as my only parent.

Id also reiterate
That I LIKE shopping for my DM, and I'd rather not have someone else step on my toes. She can still visit can't she.

I'd be very wary tbh. Totally setting up a narrative for "poor old me". Key phrases such as "hard life", "breath of fresh air"... all ringing bells. How does Anne have time with kids, grandkids etc etc? And she shouldn't be meddling in finances when you are there to do it.

Could all be innocent but I would have a kind conversation stating that you appreciate her help, but it's not an inconvenience shopping/admin tasking for your DM, you want o do it and feel slightly hurt that you haven't been able to recently. That's fair enough. You're just retaining the status quo. She can still be friends. If she pushes the matter further... then you know something is up. Then record everything.

I'd totally set up a nannycam

greendale17 · 20/09/2017 15:33

How much do you really know about Anne? I would see if I could find more about her first. Saying that I don't see why Anne has got herself involved in your mum's financial affairs. Sorry to say but I think this is dodgy ground

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 15:33

Yes sabbatical it does help. All this advice has helped me greatly.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 15:35

Hmm yes- the shopping, how IS it being paid for. Scamming the elderly is a huge thing now. My Mum was only in her 70s. Didn't realise the extent of it until db and I got power of attorney. Incidentally we got this for our Dad when he was in the latter stages of Parkinsons, but Mum agreed to it while she was still classed as competent. She was happy to sign it over and let my (very trustworthy and financially savvy) brother take care of her affairs from then on as she was struggling with it more. Your Mum struggling with insurance etc now OP does suggest to me that she isn't as on the ball as she used to be. While someone is still in their own home they can manage to cope with small declines in cognition as everything is so familiar. New or unfamiliar things become increasingly problematic. Your Mum sounds as though she is becoming more vulnerable. I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't continue to live alone or anything, just that you probably do need to become more involved and take over some things now. Age Concern might have some advice about Anne?