Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
Primrose06 · 22/09/2017 15:31

I hope I am wrong but would tread cautiously.
Do you know her full name so that you can do a check ? Or is there anyone you could ask that would know her. Meanwhile I would make sure that she cannot access her bank in any way. Yes she may well be caring, but if she is she will understand.
If you feel uneasy and are suspicious then hidden camera? Drastic but it will give you peace of mind..

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/09/2017 15:33

It is very hard for someone competent like this to admit that her child should take over a bit

I agree, and IME it's even harder when that person's been a headteacher, used to command Wink

To be fair though, OP's mum is giving something in putting her on the bank accounts and allowing a POA to be set up. Let's just hope it's enough to allow a suitable level of watchfulness

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/09/2017 15:44

OP, you didn't say whether your mum was happy for you take back doing the shopping etc for her?

If she's still happy for Anne to do it......I wonder how long Anne will continue this once she finds out about the POA/signatory stuff?
That's assuming she does have ulterior motives of course.

I guess you'll have your answer if she's suddenly 'too busy' to carry on Grin

SirVixofVixHall · 22/09/2017 15:46

The "in thrall" bit is really worrying me . People who scam the elderly are adept at winning them over and becoming indispensable. "In thrall" is not good. I too would be looking into Anne's background. In fact I would happily pay someone to check out Anne.
Of course sometimes people (like the friend's Granny I mentioned) do have a lovely neighbour. My mother was scammed, but it was a lovely neighbour keeping an eye who noticed a parcel on her doorstep and this alerted us to her lying on the floor with a broken hip (she'd been there for nearly two days). Neighbours often keep an eye on someone elderly, this is great, but Anne does not sound like this to me. As lots of pps have said, the fact that she's insisting on still "helping" in areas which you would usually deal with , is a massive red flag.

bossyrossy · 22/09/2017 18:03

Could you take them both out to lunch as a treat for your mum and a thank you for her friend for all the help she has given? It would give you an opportunity to suss out the relationship without appearing controlling.

Peregrina · 22/09/2017 19:26

maybe Anne might feel like we did but she should get it out in the open so that it's all above board.

That's the key, I think, and that seems to be partly where OP's worry is, that it's not all quite open. I had similar problems with generous parents who became overly generous to all and sundry, and all and sundry were quite happy to accept the gifts when real friends would have refused. Fortunately DB was able to put a stop to it, and suddenly DPs had more money. Yes, we inherited but much of that money will go to the grandchildren which is what my parents would have really wanted, had they been fully compos mentis, not to people who were little more than acquaintances. It was frightening to see how my once astute father declined so quickly and DM was one, as so many of her generation were, who had let DF do the financial work.

Pengggwn · 22/09/2017 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peregrina · 22/09/2017 20:01

Is there a point where we, whilst still in possession of our faculties, should open up our bank accounts and cheque books to our children, whether we want to or not?

The key bit here is 'in possession of our faculties'. There comes a time when someone knows that they are not quite as sharp as they were. It can be the same getting elderly relatives to accept physical help - they don't want help but realise that e.g. they can no longer walk 3 miles to the shops each day to get their shopping and 3 miles back.

Maelstrop · 22/09/2017 20:17

Is there a point where we, whilst still in possession of our faculties, should open up our bank accounts and cheque books to our children, whether we want to or not?

I think it's a very smart idea to get POA for elderly parents. We did this in the nick of time with my mil who very quickly deteriorated (dementia) and is now in a specialist home. It's tricky to obtain access to accounts once a parent has dementia and there is no POA. A medical POA is also advisable.

Pengggwn · 22/09/2017 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pengggwn · 22/09/2017 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oldie2017 · 22/09/2017 20:31

My father's .. better not say who - used to do some part time work for him - took over too much. We did not find large sums going (his accountants and lawyer checked) and he said it was all fine but other carers of his said this lady and her family were charging shopping to him. He was also very generous however so how do you distinguish the two? She was being paid to manage the care rota which is a bit much. We wanted his money to last and he went right through it and then died just as his lawyer agreed the power of attorney could be used so it kind of resolved itself but it was very very worrying at the time. We did witness statements for the cour of protection and ven had a preliminary hearing just because we wanted to preserve his capital so he could live off it for years if needs be and when it ran out we would have paid ourselves to support him. These people get far too close to the elderly. We were warned he had set up a joint account with ehr too which he had but again could be justified so she could get shopping but then we saw say 5 trips over a weekend, much more than he would ever have spent on his own. However not big enough sums to go to court over. It has made me very wary of people getting close to the elderly like this. I only felt we got him back at his funeral - he had dementia and various other things so if we called he could not tell us on the phone how he was, this lady would not talk to us on the phone to update us and only when he was in hospital did the doctors talk to us! Pity we did not live 5 minutes away.

derxa · 22/09/2017 20:33

Pengggwn Is there any reason for your provocative posts? Are you worried about your children taking over your life?

Peregrina · 22/09/2017 20:34

Pengggwn - yes I know about legal standards. But OP's mother isn't quite what she was, and knows that. POA's can only be taken out whilst you can still make your own decisions. This could be years before you expected to need them, but admittedly won't usually be.

Pengggwn · 22/09/2017 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pengggwn · 22/09/2017 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derxa · 22/09/2017 20:40

Pengggwyn You haven't had the heartache of having some random trying to fleece your DM or DF, have you?

Pengggwn · 22/09/2017 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemini69 · 22/09/2017 20:42

well done OP.. very good progress Flowers

derxa · 22/09/2017 20:44

I don't get why that is relevant to whether my posts are provocative.
People on MN play games all the time. i do not.

Madwoman5 · 22/09/2017 20:46

I would be tempted to tell mother that I would be much more comfortable handling the shopping and paperwork so please let me take care of that whilst you enjoy time with Anne....and to do it in front of her so the message is clear. Set days when this will happen and stick to it. If she says oh that's all right, I enjoy it, just respond, I am sure you do but I also want to do things for my mother and these are two jobs I want to do.

treacletoffee23 · 22/09/2017 20:50

Wow.
I helped my mum understand her financial issues. I found out which benefits she was entitled to. Pension credit, Attendance Allowance. I made sure everything was transparent. Ann is not doing this so imo its best left to a family member. Unfortunately sometimes, as our parents age they become like chidren but with the behaviour and thought processes of adults who are frightened confused ill. Ann may not be best equipt to deal with the financial stuff whereas the friendship is fine. Im aware l sound a bit condescending-that is not my intention

Pengggwn · 22/09/2017 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treacletoffee23 · 22/09/2017 20:53

Pengggwn you sound as if you have issues hope you are o.k

Pengggwn · 22/09/2017 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread