To be pissed off with marrieds who don't work complaining they are tired?!

[sloeginforever]

I know everything is relative and everyone has their own problems...but I am sick of hearing mums of school age children, who have partners, who don't work, complaining they are tired and have so much to do!

I am a single mum, I work full time. I get up at 5:30, deliver three children to different schools about ten miles in total, then drive to work, work a full day, collect same children, go home, cook everyday, clean the house, wash all the clothes.

I've got one friend in particular who is a stay at home mum. She texts me all day moaning about how tired she is, since they went back to school there is just so much to do, and getting it all clean before they get home is soooo hard. She's so stressed by it all. Her husband works, takes the children to school, cooks...

I have absolutely no issues with life choices as a stay at home mum. I'm not jealous and I don't have issues with them not being in full time work or anything. But just stop telling me how hard your bloody life is!!

And don't even start me on the married, childless woman at work who just got a dog and is soooo exhausted.

Rant over.

I just don't enjoy the competition between people at all. I'm really struggling with life at the moment but have certain "friends" that if I try and talk to about it will basically just tell me that their life is harder than mine. Like my tiredness and sadness doesn't matter because I am less worthy of it. I got a text from a friend yesterday asking me out for a drink and I replied that I wasn't really up for it as knackered from work and not feeling like I'd be very good company. She simply replied "don't you finish work at 3.30? lol try working til 6 and you'll know tired!"

Her harder life (in her opinion) shouldn't entirely invalidate my feelings.

Ugh why do we do this? All try and compete for who works harder, who is busier, more tired, whose life is worse?! Why don't we all just support each other? I'm so fed up with it all. This is why I generally don't bother with people lol

Oblomov

Interesting

Also, three children at 3 different schools. That was a choice

High, Primary, Nursery. No significant choices involved.

YANBU- I would give no sympathy for her

Im a sahm. I'm not tired. I'm exhausted. My body is exhausted. I don't work because I can't work. Having a child is hugely stressful because very often I don't know if I'm going to run out of energy and collapse when I'm going to pick my dd up. When I collapse it's because my body has lost all function apart from vital ones to keep me alive so it's rather like temporarily having locked in syndrome. I cannot move or talk. I don't know how I'm going to get dd to her after school activities or feed her.

You don't know how much energy other people have. Just because you clearly have shed loads of energy (otherwise you wouldn't be able to do what you do), it doesn't mean these people do too.

Energy levels are very individual. My friend, for example, works but is often pretty exhausted. I have ME/CFS and just from her appearance and what she says, I can see she is borderline ME/CFS and have told her to be careful to pace herself. She's married now but was a single mum to 2. She's now often got her step children as well. So that's 4 kids. Despite being very tired, she knows I'm very ill and asks me how I am feeling and has offered to pick my dd up for me on the days she finishes early etc.

As I cannot work, my illness is legally recognised as a disability. I have a friend, who is over 80. He has better health and far more energy than me. Ditto my fil, who is 80. Ditto my mother, who is 75, who until 2 years ago, was carer to her heavily disabled, peg fed husband, who was unable to move or do anything for himself. She had to lift, lug, turn over in bed and push around. You simply don't know how much energy an individual has and you cannot compare what they do to what you do.

I do agree there are many people out there, who appear as though they cannot be bothered. From an outsider it can seem hugely frustrating and unfair. But we don't their struggles or undiagnosed disabilities or medical conditions.

You have your health and despite your difficult situation, that means you have so much more than me. A very ill sahm, who cannot play with or enjoy doing things with my dd. This is a massive burden on both her and me.

YANBU. She sounds quite tactless and lacking in empathy.

YANBU and I have been a SAHM for over a decade. Both children in school. I do volunteer work and a college course but even so, it is a very easy life.

If I had any friends who were single parents I would have their children over in a heartbeat.

If anyone has childcare fails and I can help out I do. Surely as women we should just be supportive of other women. Why your friend can't see that I have no idea.

I've often encountered the same. I'm up at 5.30, commute to London, work full time, commute back, collect children, feed children, supervise homework/baths/bed/ bags for next day. However unlike OP I'm not a lone parent and my H does the morning drop off, shares cooking and does all the laundry. We have a cleaner and an ironing lady.
I cope fine. I'm not particularly tired or stressed. I could take on more if needed. Yet I get lots of "I don't know how you do it"/"I'm so exhausted" comments from people who (seemingly) have less to do. It amuses rather than annoys me.
I do think there are various factors in play though.

1. I'm a really resilient person. I always have been. I dont think that's something to boast about. It's not an achievement. I was just born like it.
2. Having read Wifework it struck me that the author said that life was actually easier/ less tiring after her husband left as he created so much mess and clutter and she had felt like she was constantly cooking big meaty meals. Some husbands are a hindrance rather than a help.
3. The adrenaline that comes with a busy life can carry you through. I thrive on being busy. When I've not been I can sort of fall into a depressed slump and this makes me feel very tired.
4. Some people's children are still up half the night at all ages. Mine aren't - they've always been fab sleepers. Anything else would kill me.
5. As Pps have said, having pets in the equation can make everything more knackering and complicated. This is why I dont have any, much to the chagrin of my children.

I've got a friend who works afternoons as a TA. Her son is at (the same) school. Husband doesn't work. She says she "can't" work mornings too as she wouldn't have any time for herself to do her hobby (craft related) and relax. She is always saying how exhausted and stressed she is. Yet I believe her. She really seems to struggle with doing any more. She is a lovely person. Just less resilient than me.

All things are relative. I am much more tired as a SAHM of 2 pre-school age children than I was when I worked a 70hour week, as I find the relentless grind of caring for small kids much more wearing than traditional 'work'. That said I also do an accounts business as well so technically I am working PT as well.

A SAHM of school age children is a different story. I have a friend a bit similar who has one school age dd, a small house (so not much cleaning), who goes on and on about how busy she is. She creates work by baking constantly, which I rarely do.

She chose a good man and chooses to remain married. Presumably she had very good skills at picking a man who had potential to be a good father and husband. And presumably she continues to chose to work at her marriage? .......You chose to have 3dc. With a man whom you are now presumably separated from. Maybe you weren't such a good judge of character? Would you chose him again.

WTF Oblomov - guess that's 'choice feminism' aint it? Dammit we all need to get better at choosing a good man. Wish that was taught in schools so I could have done a better job with it.

Good post zzzzz

The post about choices is a good one. You've only got to look at some of the posts on here to see the effect of poor choices, particularly in choice of partner. Honey's post about resilience is a good one too. Some people just keep buggering on, regardless of what is thrown at them. Some people can't manage it.

Some people seem to think being busy is a virtue, so they claim they are even if like the OP's friend they are a SAHM with kids at school. They probably believe it.

Since my son was born (he's 16 now) I have worked part time, with a 1.5 hour commute to work in a city Company. In my experience I would much rather have been a sahm. Much much easier and more fun spending time with my son than working. I used to hate the end of the school holidays because I wouldn't see him so much.

I have a friend the same ! Has no job 3 healthy children who her mum helps get ready in the mornings husband that works hard , 3/4 holidays a year and still moans how tiered she is some people just don't see how lucky they are !!

What pisses me off is the sweeping generalisation of your title. Not all smug marrieds who are sahm mothers sit on the fat arses, have supportive husbands, no kids with SEN, cleaners, good health etc.

Some are carers of elderly parents, do voluntary work, study, have cockweasal husbands who do fuck all in the house, have anxiety, depression etc.

I've got an ex friend who works part time in a job she loves, has a really supportive husband and an au pair, a mother who helps out with everything and is always moaning. Should I say all people who woh shouldn't complain about tiredness.

What I do agree with is people with no empathy piss me off. Of course your friend should recognise you are not the person to moan to about being tired. She should also be supportive of you. But fuck the sweeping generalisations.

I also get pissed off with people who woh who pile in every time someone with small children and unsuportive husbands say they're not coping because they did all that and found a cure for cancer.

Have a go about your friend, fill your boots, sounds like you have every right to. But don't slag off every woman whose circumstances you have no idea about.

And I hope you get some support soon.

YANBU op. I used to do the same and one of the DC was 5 months old, although I only had two. It's tough, much harder than being at home, but i wouldn't have swapped it, being a stay at home person was boring as shit and I suffered with depression as a result. Maybe that's why they are so tired.

You may be being reasonable saying it about a particular person you know very well but yabu about it as a general comment.
Sometimes the things that mean people are tired are not the obvious things. With my own child it isn't the physical/ being busy stuff that tires me most but the constantly being on high alert for difficult and taking the brunt of aggressive behaviour and the effects of that continue when he is not there.

I'm guilty of this

Tbf I do a lot with my time most days, for example last week it was ds1's birthday so I was shopping, wrapping and preparing while keeping the (large) house spotless for visitors all week, as well as the usual tackling the laundry mountain, walking the 4 miles a day school run, getting the bus into town, walking the dog, cooking etc etc.

This week I'm decluttering so I'm on my feet (and knees) all day, lugging bags of stuff around for the tip or the charity shop, scrubbing behind furniture etc. It's ds2's birthday at the weekend and I've organised the party, done all the shopping, need to do the wrapping and make a cake.

I know it's not the same as a full time job and I know I'm very lucky to be able to stay at home, but it is exhausting and honestly it was sometimes easier when I worked out of the house.

But then I do have days where I come back from the school run and veg all day. I don't think I'd complain about being knackered to a FT working lone parent with kids, but I am often tired.

She's your friend. She's allowed to say she's tired. Maybe she assumes you understand that it comes with caveats - yes, you're tired too.
If it annoys you, tell her. She's your friend, you should be able to talk to her.
I don't think you can compare people's lives unless you've lived them. I've been a sahm to three and now I work. I much prefer working. I find it much less stressful and I'm less tired at the end of a day when I've been in the office.
There are sahm whose husbands aren't around - they work late, they go away with work etc and there are single parents who have lots of support. One size doesn't fit all.

I think it's different for different people. My single working friends have reliable helpful family/ex partner close by who do pickups and cook. So although they dont stop most days, they also have time to themselves regularly.

I also have friends with young toddlers/parents to care for who get no respite day or night. Sleep deprived women whose Husbands either work away or do nothing.

It's different for different people. Also some people are better at coping them others.

I am childless.....well I spend all day with 30 of them but I didn't give birth to any of them.

Tired? Yes!

Does their dad ever have them OP?

She's probably not tired, she's bored!