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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with marrieds who don't work complaining they are tired?!

485 replies

sloeginforever · 18/09/2017 22:55

I know everything is relative and everyone has their own problems...but I am sick of hearing mums of school age children, who have partners, who don't work, complaining they are tired and have so much to do!

I am a single mum, I work full time. I get up at 5:30, deliver three children to different schools about ten miles in total, then drive to work, work a full day, collect same children, go home, cook everyday, clean the house, wash all the clothes.

I've got one friend in particular who is a stay at home mum. She texts me all day moaning about how tired she is, since they went back to school there is just so much to do, and getting it all clean before they get home is soooo hard. She's so stressed by it all. Her husband works, takes the children to school, cooks...

I have absolutely no issues with life choices as a stay at home mum. I'm not jealous and I don't have issues with them not being in full time work or anything. But just stop telling me how hard your bloody life is!!

And don't even start me on the married, childless woman at work who just got a dog and is soooo exhausted.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Willswife · 19/09/2017 07:21

I am a SAHM to 2 children, the second of which has just started school. I am far more tired as a SAHM than I ever was when I was working. I think it's because my daily tasks aren't as stimulating as my work life was.

However, whilst I think your friend is insensitive I think you have been disloyal by creating a public post to moan about her. Neither of you are acting like a kind friend. By all means phone someone and have a moan about her if you want, but to create a post about her on a a public forum?

Since becoming a Mum, I have never felt more judged. What choices we make about giving birth/feeding our babies/work/school etc etc are all under scrutiny, usually from other Mums. Why can't we just support each other, regardless of whether our choices/problems are the same or not?

Windytwigs · 19/09/2017 07:30

Yadbu. I've worked all combinations of lone parent (dh working away for an unbroken 9month stretch at a time), dh working long commutes, short commutes, me being full time, part time, no kids, two kids, no family support for most of it.
At present, dh lives at home but has a long commute. Both kids are finally settled at school, and half the time I'm exhausted. Could be something to do with being woken up three times a night on average by dh and his freight train snoring. It's worse than when I bf a newborn. Smile

CavoliRiscaldati · 19/09/2017 07:30

how can you work full time if you pick up the kids from school? Even if they go to after school clubs, they still finish very early?

Why do you need to clean the house every day if you are all out all day? How much mess and dirt happens in an empty house?

My point is that competitive tiredness and complaints are nonsense. Unless you live your friend's life for at least a couple of weeks, you can't judge. It's easy to have an opinion when you have no idea what you are talking about.

I do agree, if she keeps texting you all day about tiredness, she is bored! That you can judge.

PickAChew · 19/09/2017 07:32

I'm not a fan of competitive tiredness. Your friend is allowed to feel tired.

If she's constantly moaning about it, she sounds like hard work, though.

SemiNormal · 19/09/2017 07:34

Gardengeek, I'm not saying people don't get tired for a million and one reasons. Just don't complain about it constantly to me, without a seconds thought for how shit my day/week/life is...

Going to go against the grain here but ...

OP, so you have things more difficult in your opinion but why does that mean that your friend can't complain about also being tired? It's not a competition. You remind me of my mum the martyr, only she was allowed to be tired in our house growing up because she worked 60 hours a week whereas I only worked 50 hours a week Hmm

There could be underlying health reasons even she doesn't know about which is causing her to feel tired. You say you're close so maybe she felt she could talk to you about anything and everything but obviously not. I actually feel a bit sorry for her.

Original poster
sloeginforever · 19/09/2017 07:43

Not all smug marrieds who are sahm mothers sit on the fat arses, have supportive husbands, no kids with SEN, cleaners, good health etc.

I've made it clear I'm not complaining about these mums. My friend is a smug married with a perfect life. Genuinely.

OP posts:
MistressPage · 19/09/2017 07:44

Yanbu OP. Your friend is an insensitive arse. I'm a SAHM of one toddler and it's as easy as pie. I have a lovely relaxing life. I can't imagine how chilled it is when they're in school! Flowers

Original poster
sloeginforever · 19/09/2017 07:45

Seminormal. I guess if we had normal two way conversations then I would have more sympathy. We actually haven't had a conversation for weeks, as I just get a very closed text describing how hard her life is.

OP posts:
WyclefJohn · 19/09/2017 07:46

And don't even start me on the married, childless woman at work who just got a dog and is soooo exhausted.

YABU are unreasonable for this ... some full time jobs can be pretty exhausting with or without children

MistressPage · 19/09/2017 07:46

Maybe don't talk about anyone sitting on their fat arse tho, that's a wee bit rude!

PlayOnWurtz · 19/09/2017 07:46

They're tired because they're doing nothing. Doing nothing strangely makes you really really tired.

Wolfiefan · 19/09/2017 07:49

"Smug married with a perfect life". Wow. I'm glad you're not my "friend".
You are not in her marriage. You don't parent her children and look after her house. Maybe dial back the jealousy judging or find a new friend?

AnnaT45 · 19/09/2017 07:50

Sometimes the less you do the more tired you are. I find if I'm exhausted (two little ones who dont sleep) that doing nothing makes it worse. I just force myself to keep going!

To those saying she may have a hidden illness ... if that were the case why not tell your friend who is clearly very busy and tired?! Why complain to them without the full story? I find that weird and unlikely!

OP you're doing a good job, I know how hard it is and I only have two and a DH who does help ... when asked. Just ignore her and go about your life

Bluelonerose · 19/09/2017 07:52

My first thought was wow. But I must say sometimes when you are doing to much all the time you just carry on. Yet when you stop, the motivation to go like you used to is impossible to get back.

GinDoll · 19/09/2017 07:52

My husband works and I'm about to stop working because I'M SO BLOODY TIRED. Like all the time... and ridiculously I'm too tired to sleep. Who knew that was even a thing. And even though the kids are at school those hours between 9 and 3 go so fast! Honestly I'd never judge anyone for being tired. Life is exhausting for a million reasons.

bluit · 19/09/2017 07:53

I think you actually get a lot out of your life OP, you're needed, you're busy, you have the satisfaction of knowing you're doing a great job raising your kids and setting a good example.

You will look back one day and realise what a tiring but genuinely happy time it was. I think you sound great, I love a bit of DIY.

Anatidae · 19/09/2017 07:53

Not single here, but a working mum of an exhausting toddler, and I have health issues and a demanding job. Yesterday was up at five, drive toddler across the whole fucking city (thanks stalinistic state childcare!) work until 5:50, husband picked child up, passed over to me, I then have to continue working until 7:30 attempting to placate a screaming toddler with one hand while sorting some financial crap out. Child in meltdown, so that was a fun meeting, then bath and bed and at 8pm I started the housework (dh finished work at 8.)

Juggling work and kids is fucking exhausting. I'm shattered and depressed and I never get a moment to myself, my work make things as hard as they possibly can as well.

I dunno. Everyone is different. There probably are sahms struggling in different ways - isolation, loneliness, drudgery etc. Insensitive of your friend to send the text though.

GetAHaircutCarl · 19/09/2017 07:54

Ditch the whiner OP.
They are joy suckers, have no empathy (too busy whinging) and rarely make you laugh.

Ditch.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 19/09/2017 07:55

"my friend is a smug married with a perfect life"

I was kind of on your side until you said this. ^^

Unless you live inside her mind, you don't know she has a "perfect" life. The fact she's texting you and moaning about how tired she is after spending a day, doing nothing much, doesn't sound "perfect" to me.

Maybe she moans about being tired all the time as she knows you judge her as having a "perfect" life, when she knows she doesn't.

Shiraznowplease · 19/09/2017 07:57

Think you learn to cope with different levels of pressure and tiredness. My ds (8) has never slept all night, when he was a baby he would bf all night, when I returned to work he would refuse to take a bottle so after working all day I would be up most of the night feeding. I was exhausted and fell asleep in my car on the drive more than once. He now only gets up a few times a night and wakes for the day at 5 (at the latest), however I don't feel any less tired now although I do run round between activities. Maybe your body has adapted and so has hers to the lesser amount she needs to do

FunkinEll · 19/09/2017 07:57

I just don't get all this competitive tiredness and busy-ness (not aimed at Op, I'm not saying you do this, just generally). Why is being knackered and desperately busy something so many people want to be. I want to be neither if I don't have to be!

KingLooieCatz · 19/09/2017 08:03

I agree sometimes the less you do the more tired you are. Or lethargic might be a better word.

If you do meet up with her:

"Is everything okay with you [head tilt]...you always seem to be tired...perhaps you should see a doctor?"

If there is something wrong you might be doing her a favour.

If not, maybe she'll button it.

ssd · 19/09/2017 08:05

of course your friend is tired, she's suffering from lazy bastarditis

I'd keep a wide berth, people like her suck the life out of you

Aderyn17 · 19/09/2017 08:06

I think it's really shitty to blame a single mum for 'choosing' a partner who turned out to be a dick. Often it isn't until dc come along that you see a man's true colours. Other times, women think they are happily married, but it turns out that the husband is shagging someone at work. How about blaming the fathers in these situations for abandoning their children and dumping all the hard work on a woman who did not sign up to be a single parent!
Maybe she wouldn't be so tired if her children's dad was pulling his weight!

OP, tiredness is relative. To her, life feels tiring. But there is no disputing that your life is harder. I think she sounds like a bit of a taker, generally. You shouldn't be having her kids over etc if she never reciprocates. I think it might be time to edge away slowly and find a friend who doesn't irritate you.

formerbabe · 19/09/2017 08:06

Everyone's lives are different. I don't think you can necessarily say all single parents have a harder life than married parents who sah. I'm a sahm with school age children...my day isn't especially hard but I stay busy all day. However, I have no family support so never really get a long break ie. overnight or more from my DC. I know working single mums who have masses of family support plus the DC stay at their dads a lot. One single mum I know is always off on holiday with friends as she has plenty of free childcare. Obviously, I'm not saying all single parents have that kind of set up, just saying that it doesn't necessarily mean you will have a harder time.

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