Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Mooey89 · 11/11/2017 18:04

He is a classic serial monogamist, falls very quickly, goes cold very quickly, addicted to the initial chase. He’s met someone else.

Honestly OP, you’ve dodged a bullet. FGS why would you go back to someone who is this obviously bad news?!

AuntyElle · 11/11/2017 18:12

All this "falls very quickly" and "wears his heard on his sleeve" is just romanticising an emotional fuckwit. OP has described his narcissistic and creepy behaviour. Many posters have recognised huge red flags and shared destructive experiences with men who behaved in a very similar way.
It's just really sad that OP got so involved with him.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 11/11/2017 18:20

People sound almost angry. The thing is he was all enthrall of me. Telling me how lucky he was , how lovely I was. I was the one saying what on earth do you see in me as I was genuinely baffled and he was telling me all the things he found lovely about me. Counting Dow the days to seeing me. How lovely it was talking to me. Along with normal chat about our day, our lives, common interests etc. He never raised his voice or was off with me about anything . Seemed endlessly patient as I wasn't sure at first hence this post. He Did all the running and then when I opened up and started to have feelings for him which I expressed he backed right off . Think that's what hurts. We spoke every day. He started to become part of my day to day if you like . Asking how I was . Me the same.

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 11/11/2017 18:24

This sounds very like DD’s very manipulative ex. ( are you in East Scotland??). Keep your distance OP

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 11/11/2017 18:25

No. I am down south

I know some people have a 'type' but it's uncanny how alike me and the two exs are

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 11/11/2017 18:27

Scary that there could be another one like him .

TerribleTime · 11/11/2017 18:27

What a very odd relationship. I can tell you are hurting but the relationship was not normal or healthy.

The best thing you can do is move on as quickly as possible. Please do not let this man back in your life EVER.

Take care OP.

kinkajoukid · 11/11/2017 18:34

OP I think it might help you to read about narcissitc traits and the relationship patterns that come with this. All this idealising and being needy but yet drawing you in then running away. It is sad but true that some people have very clear patterns of behaviour, whether they realise it themselves or not.

I don't think it will be a coincidence that you all looked very similar. And I remember one of your early posts that said you felt that he didn't really see you.

This is definitely one to learn from. It sucks at the time but at least you haven't given him years of your life Flowers

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 11/11/2017 18:55

Read lots about narcs. Realisation, devalue and disguard. Usually successful confident men. He wasn't that typical stereotype.

He was early 50s , never owned property , long term renter and now living back home with his mum and has been for some time after last relationship ended. Worked but what you would call a normal run of the mill job. Drove a very normal car (nothing flash or showy) wasn't a label person. Was very much a person of habit. Up at the same time , rung me at lunch, home at the same time each night. Stayed in except for a Friday or sat evening. And the hobby we both share. Rung me of an evening. Maybe I broke the boredom up a bit perhaps.

OP posts:
AgathaRaisonDetra · 11/11/2017 18:59

50s and lives with his mum....

Back off, sister..

Callamia · 11/11/2017 19:07

Did he have any friends?
One of the things that re-assured me when I met the man who I ended up marrying was that he had lovely friends - men who were (are) friendly, interesting and good friends to each other.

I would probably avoid a man who couldn’t make (real) friends - they over-invest in women and end up clingy/needy and controlling.

HotelEuphoria · 11/11/2017 19:19

I get a little sad or angry at posts like this. Sometimes the guy is really just that, a good guy. It makes me sad that there are men out there that say that some women only like bastards, but it's true.

DD met one of these a few months ago. Super keen, always ringing or snap chatting her, she was starting to get The Ick, as she calls it. Just because she was used to nob head boyfriends. He resembled a Labrador puppy.

She was going to back off but I suggested she gave it a bit more time and consider that maybe he was really really into her.

She is so glad she did, she now has a much calmed down wonderful BF! dependable, generous, kind, helpful, loving, complimentary etc etc he makes her feel really specIal.

Don't let these slip through the net, no one says you have to marry him. Just give him a chance.

AuntyElle · 11/11/2017 19:30

Lots of people have strong narcissistic traits, OP, without fitting that stereotype. It's the lack of seeing the other as a truly separate, valid person. You mentioned feeling put off by realising that he saw you as a cipher. (But of course he'll be able to also make you feel good at times or else you wouldn't be there.)
But the important part of this is you. Being put on a pedestal can draw you in, even if you realise what's going on. I've been there. But it's not real in any meaningful way. Smoke and mirrors. The fact that he can disappear from your life in an instant bears that out.
I do think that if we (me too) had clear boundaries and more solid self-esteem we wouldn't get dazzled by the love-bombing and manipulation.
Flowers

AuntyElle · 11/11/2017 19:31

HotelEuphoria I get the feeling you have only read the first post?

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 11/11/2017 19:31

Yeah he has friends through the shared hobby. Mutual friends. I asked about him casually in convo with a couple of them before I ever took him up on his offer of a date. But obviously they knew nothing of his personality when he was seeing / interested in someone. And close friends in his hometown who he would socialise with weekly. So he wasn't some billy no mates. Probably had a wider social circle of friends / family / acquaintances than I do as it happens

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 11/11/2017 19:35

Auntyella - yes that's probably true. I suppose I couldn't believe someone would want to ring me every day, see me, always let me know where they were and only have eyes for me and think I was so lovely. says more about me and the way I think than anything else. He always said how confident I came across so I clearly hid my insecurities and low self esteem (everyone has this to a degree) fairly well. Would say I was.more busy than I was.so he didn't think he was the only thing I had going on or I was just sat there waiting for a message off him iyswim.

OP posts:
blanklook · 11/11/2017 19:43

Oh and me and the ex and his daughters mum (long long time broken up) are all much younger and look almost dead spit of each other. Almost uncanny how alike we all look

I know some people have a 'type' but it's uncanny how alike me and the two exs are

That would horrify me, sorry. I've obviously watched too many odd films with photos of similar looking victims on the wall at the police investigation team, but that, added first to his far too full on behaviour, then his dismissive behaviour towards you and his warmth towards his ex is beyond creepy.

Run.

AuntyElle · 11/11/2017 19:46

No, I don't think it says more about you. It just made you especially vulnerable to this sort of man. He has been the one to behave appallingly.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 11/11/2017 19:53

I can still barely believe this man who said all these lovely things and took me out and was so happy to see me has just dropped me with total silence almost overnight. I think that's what I am struggling to deal with. The intensity then absolutely nothing. And the fact he's.Probably using someone else to fill that gap makes it hurt even more

OP posts:
blanklook · 11/11/2017 20:21

He has done that because he's unstable, please wake up OP.

You told him how you wanted things to be, he cooled right down, then to make you jealous he started seeing his ex who looks like you and went NC with you. He is playing games, messing with your mind. First he wants you intensely, you still have some common sense so tell him to slow down, then he's nice for a while then suddenly drops you like a stone for someone who looks exactly like you.

Perhaps he's doing the same thing to her. His behaviour is all kinds of wrong.

Put your Big Girl Pants on and be thankful you've dodged a really iffy person. Please re-read your whole thread and all the replies.
Right now you have a bruised ego, much more contact with him and his extreme ways and who knows what you could have let yourself in for.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 11/11/2017 22:05

Yes I just feel very hurt and now have to weather the storm of missing him. Like tonight. We should have been out together as I write this

OP posts:
VanillaSugar · 11/11/2017 22:09

You don't suppose he's read this thread, do you?

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 11/11/2017 22:11

No wouldn't have thought so as he was absolutely fine with me after I started it and when something's bothering him he says. So he would have mentioned it. I have meet mentioned netmums to him at all. No reason to

OP posts:
VanillaSugar · 11/11/2017 22:17

I think you miss the attention more than you miss him. Which is natural, but try and separate the feelings of being needed with the feelings of suffocation.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 12/11/2017 11:40

I think it sounds fine (haven’t read the full thread yet) me and my partner would be classed as full on maybe. We both fell quite quickly for eachother. He would get me little things and send cute little memes etc about missing me and the like all in the first week. I wasn’t used to nice guys either and it took me a long time to realise he wasn’t using me. 4 years later and two children and he is still here and we are waning a third. We have been through hell together and things that could have broken relationships but we’ve got through. Basically it doesn’t always mean they are a bad guy. Unless the thread has developed that he is then I apologise for my comment.