Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 23/09/2017 11:54

Well, you've certainly demonstrated you are a man in your last post.

The main point of "The Gift of Fear" is that we have "feelings" and instincts for a reason; they are responses to real data, and listening to them can save your life. Women spend far too much time being socialised to "give people chances" and ignore those instincts.

Motoko · 23/09/2017 12:01

Men can suffer from controlling and manipulative partners too, it's got nothing to do with gender.

And regarding the "blow job" text, only someone who would coerce their partner into having unwanted sex would ask that. That text alone tells you enough about the man to know that he's someone to avoid having a relationship with.

SweetLuck · 23/09/2017 12:23

Of course fear is a gift if it keeps you out of danger.

flippinada · 23/09/2017 13:09

When Tiramisu referred to a "poor pathetic man",
She was clearly referring to the person OP had concerns about and not men in general....

OhThisbloodyComputer · 23/09/2017 13:11

Thanks @TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries

You're very kind. I'm loving your emotional intelligence

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 23/09/2017 13:27

When Tiramisu referred to a "poor pathetic man", She was clearly referring to the person OP had concerns about and not men in general....

Quite. I'm very fond of many men, although not this specimen that, lest we forget, the OP has had two dates with.

VanillaSugar · 23/09/2017 13:28

bloodycomputer are you the OP's texting man? Asking for a friend, obvs.

IfNot · 23/09/2017 14:29

God well rid OP. Don't respond to his last text, just ignore. This kind of manipulation can be so insidious.
We think "he's just really into me" or " he's trying to express himself but is a bit clumsy about it", but actually what he is doing is telling you how it's going to be. He wants x and he doesn't care if you want y- he will keep pushing for x. Men like this think that women want hearts and flowers, they think If they bombard them with "romance" they will be bowled over and comply.
They have a very warped view of women in general, and when one doesn't follow the script they have written they can sulk, cajole, guilt trip and harass. (There are women like this too- people call them Bunny Boilers ..! )As women we are programmed to be polite, and not confrontational, and men like this rely on that.

Well done for seeing through the bullshit. As for the blow job question...wtf? Why would anyone even ask that? ?

OhThisbloodyComputer · 23/09/2017 15:32

@vanillasugar

Good guess. A tiny bit of me does identify with the texting man.

Obviously, if he's controlling and all that ghastly stuff, I don't agree with that. I missed the bit about the blowjob, which does sound a bit cheesey.

But the social awkwardness and the lack of emotional intelligence is something I can identify with. (I'm not saying it's a good thing. Or excusing what happened to the Original Poster. And I have been educated a bit by various posters on here, as I didn't realise this whole social conditioning this was as extensive as you say.)

Just trying to be honest. When I see accounts of relationship horror stories, I can't help myself having some sympathy for the man, even if he's clearly doing something dreadful. (No, I'm not justifying all ghastly things men do)

Oh, alright, you got me @vanillasugar. I am the texter.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2017 16:17

Oh wow ohthis are you ops date?

Ducknose · 23/09/2017 16:53

Ohthis, you're quite defensive for someone not personally invested in this scenario...hmm.
And cheesy is an odd way to describe a sinister question about unwanted sexual acts.

OhThisbloodyComputer · 23/09/2017 17:07

@aeroflotgirl @ducknose

Uh oh, the torch bearing mob has spotted me and they think I'm the monster

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2017 17:11

This man could be genuinely ecstatic that he's found someone he can be intimate with and trust.Could it be that he desperately wants affection and the fact that you're are being cool with him is driving him even more frenzied?

They've had two dates!!!! How can he know he can be intimate with her and trust her after two dates? And be estatic about it? And presenting as simply desperate for affection and frenzied is never good. Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2017 17:21

ohthis yes we've found you out, and an angry Mumsnet mob are after you with pitchforks😂😂😂

The points are: they have only been on 2 dates, already is behaviour is very intense. The constant texts and messages and memes. That in itself would make most women uncimfortable, especially if you hardly know the guy.

He expects messages from op in return, and questioning op when she does not return a message. It's very controlling and suffocating. Thus after only 2 dates woukd make most women very uncomfortable.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2017 17:23

Oh and tge feeling tgat he is constantly spying on op. When he messaged her and said: you went on Facebook before you messaged me. Woukd really make me uncomfortable. Like I have to behave in a certain way to appease him.

corythatwas · 23/09/2017 17:54

"Is there really a view that "women are there to provide sexual relief to any man who decides unilaterally that he wants it from them?""

If you think about it, it is the belief that underlies every instance of a man who keeps pressurising a woman who has already said no. That her right not to have sex doesn't matter as much as his need to have sex.

She has told him to back off. He won't take no for an answer. That shows that he doesn't think her feelings are as important as his.

And he has revealed a very worrying interest in knowing whether she would feel obliged to provide sex when she didn't want to or when he didn't want to do something for her. No decent bloke would ever feel the need to ask that question, because no decent bloke would ever want to proceed with sex unless the other part was enthusiastic about it and he was equally willing to see to her sexual needs.

It could be argued that in a longterm relationship you owe your partner something: not, obviously, to have unwilling sex, but at least to enter into a discussion about sexual compatibility etc. But this man has been on two dates, he is not in a longterm relationship, there is no history of shared love and mutual memories, if he thinks (as he clearly does) that the OP owes him something, that can only be because that's what he thinks of any woman he happens to set his sight on.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2017 18:20

Oh also what was mentioned by corey, no decent man would broach something so personal on the 2nd date, and would know that a woman should not have sex if she is not willing or want to.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/09/2017 21:11

I just worry that this poor bloke is being demonised and judged by a peer group of anonymous web surfers that don't know either party and are only hearing from one person's version of events

This is an anonymous forum, where women come to do (amongst many other thing) exactly this ^^

You 'worrying' about it is not going to stop it.

invisiblecats · 24/09/2017 08:08

TheDowagerCuntess as many people have explained, if you have experience of manipulative behaviour you recognise the signs.

Being trapped in an abusive relationship is a living hell, that has ramifications way into the future, even after you've managed to escape. And awful for DC growing up in a household where manipulation rules.

It's a shame it's not something people know more about. I think young girls in particular should be taught to recognise these signs and be incredibly wary of anyone acting like the man the OP describes and that "what about this poor bloke" shouldn't be an acceptable response.

It's possible he may not be a manipulative, dangerous man but he sure is acting like one. What's at stake here is far too serious to worry about his feelings.

He's acting a bit rapey within 2 dates. That shouldn't be AT ALL acceptable.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/09/2017 08:37

I've just read through!

He will try and hook you back in OP, it's really important imo that you go absolutely non contact from now on. He will more than likely try and contact you again and ime will see any form of contact even if it's negative as a sign he can just chip away at you and wear you down into communicating with him.

Block his number!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/09/2017 08:38

That blow job comment would've been enough on its own without anything else to have me running for the hills. Nice men don't make comments like that !

pictish · 24/09/2017 08:53

I hope she replied, "To clarify, I will never give you a blow job if I don't want to. Who wants to have someone perform a sexual act on you against their will anyway?"

Motoko · 24/09/2017 11:21

I don't think OP realised the ramifications of that text. She said she thought it was an odd thing to say and dismissed it.

This is worrying. I bet there are millions of women who give in to coercive sex for varying reasons, from wanting to head off a row, to feeling guilty because they haven't wanted sex for a long time and feel they're being unfair to their partners.
So it's become the norm to occasionally have sex when you're not really feeling like it, which then leads to not realising what a text like that really means.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 24/09/2017 11:41

Right old bun fight going on in my absence.
I went yesterday. Was fine. Said hello. Chatted about the purpose of the day out in company. Nothing said about the messages by either party. No further messages from him . Was fine. Won't be seeing him anywhere else in the foreseeable future.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/09/2017 11:43

Great. What a relief!