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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Susierocks · 20/09/2017 06:30

I think he should be able to go. It's a lot of money but it's for his brother. You could think of it as maintaining his family relationships in the way you think of your clothes as for the good of the family.

My dh also doesn't spend much money on himself but will prioritise things such as spending time (and money) on family and friends. I try not to begrudge this as I spend far more on clothes, makeup, cosmetics, hair cuts and colour, etc so although I never spend a lot in one go I think my outgoings are definitely larger.

BackToTheCaveman · 20/09/2017 06:39

Sarahrellyboo1987 BackToTheCaveman so it's totally okay for me to call you ignorant! I mean, it's obvious for people to see and if you don't like it then you can do something to change that

Isn't your statement a bit of an oxymoron Op? the problem you have Op is someone being fat is unequivocal. Someone being ignorant is only opinion. You could say I think you are ignorant Caveman. But a statement like that coming from you someone who seems fairly ignorant doesn't carry much weight Grin

Mustang27 · 20/09/2017 07:34

Op you clearly haven't posted for awhile so I doubt you are still reading however if you are. If his brother puts value on his stag no matter your opinion you have to accept your husband has to do this for family just not you and baby family which you seem to think trumps everything. I wonder if it was the other way round and it was your sister and you being there was just as important as the hen do itself would you not do it due to being expensive? I doubt it.

KnowsStuff · 20/09/2017 08:09

Accidentally withdraw the money when tipsy and accidentally pop it in a secret savings account with paperless online account access only 😜

JanKind · 20/09/2017 08:14

Seems you are ignoring the suggestions YABU. I wouldn't dream of stopping my husband doing something he wanted to do. If the boot was on the other foot would you like him to control you?! From your posts I very much doubt it

Frokni · 20/09/2017 08:23

I feel inclined to support your husband, if and only if, the important bills are still being paid. It is his brother and maybe if you support the decision for him to go you can talk about planning money to help with mat leave etc.

There is a happy middle ground here for sure!

Good luck

Kezza8 · 20/09/2017 09:26

I have recently witnessed a stag do that took place in Vegas. The Stag and his brother were very different people and obviously were not close, but he still went and it must have cost a fortune! Further, I have a great job and I happily shop at Primarni from time to time and I often have extremely stylish people telling me I look great and asking where I bought my items from xx

manicmij · 20/09/2017 09:33

The amount of money spent on stag and hen dos is ridiculous, why do folk have to spend a fortune to get to somewhere where the drink is cheaper than here.In this instance though I feel you husband should go. The renovations can be held back after all you must be living in the place as it is just now. It's his brother's wedding and hopefully will not be repeated.

Motoko · 20/09/2017 09:40

Mustang OP posted yesterday evening. She had a moan at people body shaming her and then flounced. She's obviously not liked the majority consensus that she's BU.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2017 09:55

Wow. Op. That was an epic flounce. I take it you don't take disagreement well ? Grin

Roomster101 · 20/09/2017 09:55

I also think that it is a ridiculous amount to spend on a stag do but as it's his brother it would be really unreasonable to try and persuade him not to go.

I don't agree that a whole new wardrobe was a necessity. In your situation, many people would have just bought one or two outfits for work and then attempted to lose the weight rather than buying a whole new wardrobe. I am not saying that to "body shame" you but just to make the point that a new wardrobe was no more of a necessity for you than a holiday would be for your DH.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/09/2017 09:59

she might well be BU, probably is

however [people who used her BU-ness as a reason to make sly gibes at her being fat are nasty fuckers too

its that pack mentality, OP is BU so this gives me carte blanche to tell her she is a fat cow who needs to exercise

calling her BU and ignoring her weight (which is irrelevant) are not mutually incompatible

Roomster101 · 20/09/2017 10:13

Whilst I agree that OP doesn't "need" to exercise or lose weight if she doesn't want to, the fact is that she does have that option means buying a whole new wardrobe isn't a necessity but a choice. It therefore isn't really any different to spending money on a stag do.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 11:32

This 'bodyshaming' is horrible and completely unrelated to the topic.

Let's not forget that the Husband brought up the 'extravagant' spending on clothes to start with - how dare he! The OP has hugely compromised her own earning potential to have HIS children and was therefore forced to fund her necessary clothes purchases out of the joint funds to get herself up and running again after maternity leave. Reading her posts, I am sure pragmatic and practical decisions have been made in line with her work requirements. Who wants to go back to work after maternity leave looking and feeling vulnerable for any reason?

The brother's stag do can hardly have been a surprise? Why has the husband not budgeted for this? Does he not buy new clothes for work and is he still wearing the same outfits from before his toddler was born?

How much of the piss up weekend is he actually going to remember anyway? May be he can do some DIY to show some goodwill.

dontstophelping · 20/09/2017 11:35

I went up 3 sizes when I had ds and just couldn't afford to buy a new wardrobe. I carried on wearing my maternity stuff (for well over 2 years) until I lost the weight.

It was hard and it really sucked but no you didn't 'have to' buy an entire expensive new wardrobe. It was a luxury you were lucky to afford. Bit like a brother's stag do.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 11:41

BTW I have never wasted more money than at the time when I tried to shop in charity shops and on eBay for work clothes - to start with, things have to be dry cleaned, possibly mended. After all that, I still ended up looking awful. And I am a standard size 12, so should be easy to find clothes. Never again.

KirstyLaura · 20/09/2017 11:58

Totally agree with most of everyone prior, YABU. You own your own home, you both work, he has savings etc... you need to support him going or you should expect bitterness and resentment in return.
You deemed buying dearer clothes a necessity and worth spending the money on, this is his brothers celebration neither of them will ever be able to get back again, so worth the money to your husband. I think it's selfish of you to take that from him.

From, someone saving hard to buy a house, who also understand LIFE gets in the way of saving sometimes.

Mrsrp · 20/09/2017 12:00

I think regardless of what you spent on clothes (nothing wrong with a bit of Primark!!!!!), it's his brothers stag do and if it's not going to leave you struggling to pay the bills it shouldn't be an issue. It would be a different story if it was just a friend, but it isn't.

Roomster101 · 20/09/2017 12:08

Let's not forget that the Husband brought up the 'extravagant' spending on clothes to start with - how dare he! The OP has hugely compromised her own earning potential to have HIS children and was therefore forced to fund her necessary clothes purchases out of the joint funds to get herself up and running again after maternity leave.

Unless OP returned to work very soon after having a baby I disagree that needing a new wardrobe was a direct result of having children.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 12:11

It is clear that the husband was also resentful of the OP's spending, or he wouldn't have brought it up.

She's not BU for buying new clothes, clearly not.

He's BU for simply demanding this, like child. It's not constructive and not thoughtful.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 12:12

*a child

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 12:16

however [people who used her BU-ness as a reason to make sly gibes at her being fat are nasty fuckers too

Literally like one (possibly two) out of hundreds have said this. Why is this being g picked up on most? It's like people want to keep this side of it going. It is had been ignored, these comments would have died out on page 1!

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 12:17

Roomster I think the reverse is true: I went back quite soon and sort of wore my maternity clothes backwards, the largest first until I had slimmed my way back into my wardrobe. I then found that a lot of the old stuff didn't fit, as I had changed shape too, so I sold the lot and started again. Buying a lot of clothes immediately would be a wasteful purchase, but if your new shape is what it is and efforts to diet and exercise don't make much difference, then it's reasonable to get some new clothes to feel better about yourself and throwing yourself out there.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 12:18

She's surely earned all this money back in the meantime anyway.

Localcatlady · 20/09/2017 12:20

I was sympathetic until you said that you wouldn't shop at Primarni.

I also have a professional job and after my two children we had no money at all and I had gained 2 stone in weight. I went round all the charity shops in my local area and bought a "capsule" wardrobe including shoes in my new size. We did not have the money to spend on clothes and no way would I have spent any spare money that we did have on myself and then deny my husband anything.

YABU. You sound selfish and controlling.

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