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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Doramaybe · 19/09/2017 19:07

If he really wants to go and have a good time with the boys he will.

If he is unsure he will ask you and dither, and maybe decline. (but I doubt that).

Do not be a controlling dick.

You will never come back from being a controller and stopping someone doing something that they want to do, and can afford.

gingergenius · 19/09/2017 19:09

I'd suggest that the OP has lost interest!!

iMogster · 19/09/2017 19:12

£500 is a lot for a stag do but house renovations and having another child are 10s of thousands at least.

The facts it's his brother's stag do, means he has to go! And let's not forget, he will have a blast while you're at home miserable, I'm guessing!

HeebieJeebies456 · 19/09/2017 19:19

Having another child is NOT a necessity....i suggest you rethink that one if your funds can't stretch to allow him to attend his brother's stag do Hmm

ladyinka · 19/09/2017 19:20

I'm a professional in a top consultancy business - most of my business dresses post kids come from (very carefully) selected charity shops. Jaeger, Hobbs, Betty Barcley, MaxMara, AustinReed, Nicole Farhi...all under tenner each. Trust me, I do get taken seriously in my job.

It's about the priorities. It clearly matters to your husband to be there and anyway it's a one-off event. You should support him instead of controlling him and find a way to make it happen instead of moaning on MN.

The room redecor can wait, it can be done next year. Brother's stag do won't!

Touchmybum · 19/09/2017 19:27

I don't think there's an option here. If he doesn't get to go, he will be resentful and it will always be 'between' you that you wouldn't let him go to his own brother's stag do. The clothes don't matter. The TTC, the renovations, the holiday, don't matter. £500 wouldn't put a dent in those. Bottom line is, your DH is not being unreasonable in wanting to go to his brother's stag do. You are BVU to try to prevent him going. Life is short, these moments come just the once, and I think you should just suck it up.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/09/2017 19:40

OP, having not got the response she hoped for, is not intending to return...

Jimjam1990 · 19/09/2017 19:40

If it was a random friend getting married then I'd say YANBU. But it's his brother and unless we are talking thousands of £££ then he should be there. YABVU!

TurquoiseDress · 19/09/2017 19:46

I've only read your original post and I understand where you are coming form re money and trying to save- but it is your husband's brother, not some random from the office or sports club.

If he is close to his brother (does sound like it) then I think he absolutely should go. I know you have had to buy a whole new wardrobe due to changing shape/size, but why should he then miss out on his brother's stag do?

Arkenfield3001 · 19/09/2017 19:49

I think YABI unreasonable! His brother's stag do is a once in a lifetime event! How would you feel if were forced to miss your sister or best mates' hen do! I hope he goes anyway and doesn't let you "bully" him into not going! For goodness you can save up towards your own house or whatever another day! Just let the lad live! A stag do is often more than just getting pissed ...

Genzymoo · 19/09/2017 19:51

Expensive stag and hen dos can be annoying, especially when you are tight on money. If you ]r husband was responsible for deciding where to go, then maybe he could be up for some criticism for not thinking about the family.

However, unless you are really screwed financially, there is no way you should suggest/request that he misses it. It is not the same to suggest that an0ther night can be organised for him to go to - that is not the same. Apply that logic to other events - weddings, birthday parties, etc. It wouldn't work in those circumstances, so simply won't work here. He would be missing out on the fun. And he would resent you for it.

The new wardrobe thing. I get it - I have gone back to work quickly after D1 and had to change my wardrobe a bit. That said, I have made do with continuing to use a few maternity bits and buying some new bits at Primark and on the high street, mainly to try and avoid spending too much. And I also have a professional job, but no one has ever questioned how professionally I dress (who knows - maybe they do behind my back?!).

Unfortunately, from your original and subsequent posts, it seems that you have formed your opinion, and are seeking support, rather than genuine input from others (hence your defensive response). It is always difficult to give a full opinion, as I don't know all the details, but on the face of it your username seems to be on the money.

Jojofjo44 · 19/09/2017 19:55

Your user name says it all. YABU. It's his brothers stag do and he will resent you fire the rest of his life if you stop him. It doesn't bode well that he has to ask you for permission in the first place. You sound conceited and snobby where clothes are concerned and I suspect you would turn your nose up at getting the same clothes second hand.

MsJudgemental · 19/09/2017 19:57

What ladyinka said.

TurquoiseDress · 19/09/2017 19:57

And to add- you should let him go, and with good grace.
Do not hold it against him and bring it up in future/use it against him.

Just because he goes on his brother's stag do with not affect the home improvements/renovations or having another baby- it may take much longer than you think and you might still be waiting/saving money for it for a while.

Just let him go on the stag do, you would be VU not to.

AcademicOwl · 19/09/2017 20:00

Off topic here, but I'm interested in the charity shop thing. I'm a size 18 (post babies) & have found it's quite hard to source decent stuff in charity shops in my size. (I'm not adverse to a good rummage to find stuff!). Do people think it's dependent on where you're shopping (as in what town/area?)

smilingontheinside · 19/09/2017 20:02

I'm still Hmm at the primani comment. I have a very glamorous friend who is an accountant. She always looks stunning and often gets asked where her dress/suit/top from and yep they are from primani! She gets taken seriously and has been promoted so that comment really doesn't hold. If it was my dh I would be glad to see the back of him for a few days/weeks Wink

AcademicOwl · 19/09/2017 20:03

Oh and on balance, if it's in the hundreds, then he should go. If it's in the thousands, you need to discuss and plan a bit more between you.

He'll be miserable if he doesn't go. His life shouldn't be full of regret.

And if you're still reading OP, I think people have been quite mean to you. Try to ignore & find space to be kind to yourself and your dh

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 19/09/2017 20:03

his brother and all their friends will think you're a right nob if you don't let him go.

Fudgefase · 19/09/2017 20:07

He needs to 'be allowed' to go. Sorry, but it's his brother and it's important to him - he doesn't want to miss out. Let him go.

Original poster
Theselfishwife · 19/09/2017 20:09

The OP having read the fucking hideous and unnecessary comments about my weight, fat wardrobe and the bitchy comments about dieting and doing a bit of exercise decided to leave the thread.

Just popped back to say....

If you made a comment about my body YABVVVU to body shame someone like that. Fortunately I have a thick skin and cake to make sure my arse stays the correct fatness for my unreasonably expensive fat wardrobe, so fuck you! Cake

Off back to my mean joyless life now, to think up more mean spirited ways to destroy my husband's happiness and selfworth Gin

OP posts:
dirtyprettything · 19/09/2017 20:11

Good for you OP!

SharkBrilliant · 19/09/2017 20:14

I think it depends on the cost personally. DH was best man for a friend that wanted to go to Vegas for a week for his stag do (costing £2,000+ with flights, hotel and spending money).

That's a lot of money out of a family budget if you don't have much spare cash, never mind having to use up a quarter of your annual leave when you have school holidays etc to cover.

Cjl1 · 19/09/2017 20:25

Life is made up of sharing the most amazing memories with our loved ones. I wouldn't want to stop my DH from going on a trip of a lifetime with his brother just because I was worried what colleagues would think of my clothes. Sorry x

AhNowTed · 19/09/2017 20:26

OP you are being unreasonable.

And this has feck all to do with bloody clothes.

It's his brothers stag, a hopefully one off event, and yes he should go, and not only that you should be pushing him out the door with a cheery enjoy yourself.

You do sound controlling and using the 'depriving the DC' stick and guilting him is a low blow.

You are a very long time dead with or without a carpet.

BackToTheCaveman · 19/09/2017 20:30

If you made a comment about my body YABVVVU to body shame someone like that.
What is all this body shaming namby pamby-ism. From your own description you are fat, admit it. If someone tells you, you are fat, they are factually correct. Don't blame them. If you don't like the description, lose weight. Don't shoot the messenger.

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