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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
QueSera · 19/09/2017 20:33

Yes OP - of course it continues to be all about you!! How could it be any other way! You really have taken nothing rational from this thread.
Good luck with your marriage, because whether it's sooner or later, your DH is going to wake up to the oppression he is living under with you, and he will leave. And i wish him well. Life with you must be horrendous.
So enjoy your lovely fancy new clothes and carpet, I'm sure they will get you through.

nonamesleftatall · 19/09/2017 20:39

You are so unbelievably off the chain.

Yes you are being totally unreasonable. If you both work in 'professional' jobs I can't see you have to forgo more than ones months money you'd put aside for the house, in order for him to go on the stag do. It's his frigging brother and to be frank you sound like a lunatic. He's only going or get married once and you want his brother to miss it... I'd reconsider your outlook others wise you might be getting divorced. I would give up all other treats, e.g. Any alcohol, dinners out, I'd take packed lunch to work, stay in at weekends as a sacrifice to eneable my partner to go to his brothers stag do.

That being said I think we have the measure of you with comments about primarni and the expectation that single people should fork out as they have no responsibility, but once you have a child you should become a terrible friend/ brother.

You think he is selfish but you sound incredibly selfish and controlling too. Get your head out of your ass.

gaylemcfedries · 19/09/2017 20:51

I'm sorry but he needs to go (set a budget between use) its only a stag part he's with you and your family forever

SarahVanstone13 · 19/09/2017 20:53

Academicowl Charity shop shopping so matters where you go! Example grew up in Somerset expect to buy 2nd hand pimani clothes at propbably a £1 less than brand new - north London can pick up most designer clothes under a £10 aim for locations you know have a few pennies to spare....

OP Hahaha fair play to you, but duck my life you ask for opinions and then take offence when given opinions...

dippypanda · 19/09/2017 20:54

I agree wholeheartedly with Genzymoo

OP, I read all the comments on this thread and for the most part you've been given genuine opinions, pp have asked genuine questions which you've chosen to avoid answering fully, and have come across rather defensive with regards to the least important question that that you wanted opinions on!

I don't think you are really taken on board any of the decent advice on here and so have come across quite selfish.

I really hope irl you consider the options more wisely.

user1497997754 · 19/09/2017 21:35

This reply has been deleted

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Angelreid14 · 19/09/2017 21:42

Just agree a budget for the stag do. It's his brothers stag but so long as he is reasonable with the amount he spends you might have to compromise.

wannabestressfree · 19/09/2017 21:46

I can't be arsed to comment on the clothes snobbery. I buy all over including primani
My ex husband would do go to every tour/ rugby tour and it used to piss me off.
I couldn't get worked up about his brothers stag though. He must be there it's family. Give him your blessing.

Thatsnotapotato · 19/09/2017 21:50

Wow, okay, yes, the OP is totally f-ing unreasonable but user1497997754 that was totally uncalled for. What a hideous thing to say!!

Tootyfrootie · 19/09/2017 21:50

Buy the clothes .. love your bigger boobs & gorgeous new bod. Tell your fella to have a fab time; life is sweet and sometimes short. Renovations can wait & TTC is cost free 😉 (a few glasses of fizz often help mind) good luck 😍 Xx

StickThatInYourPipe · 19/09/2017 22:01

Ok have I missed something? I saw like one or two posters make a shitty comment about fat wardrobes and suggesting the OP loosing weight but they were really early on in the thread, way before OPs radio silence. Also obviously a few people suggesting this is s temporary new wardrobe due to wanting to ttc again, but I wouldn't class that as body shaming

myusernameisnotmyusername · 19/09/2017 22:01

I can understand where you are coming from but it is his brother. If my dp's brother couldn't come to his stag he'd be gutted. It's up to him how much he spends on getting pissed.

wellymelly · 19/09/2017 22:10

OP, YABVERYU
You are not getting what you want on here, i.e. Lots of YANBU's. By repeating yourself, nobody is changing their mind. Something you haven't yet mentioned is your DH's happiness as an important contribution to your family. Personally I'd rate this as a much more important factor in a healthy family life/ home - much more than a dream home. Your happiness is obvs about the dream home and dressing for confidence, which I completely understand (I'm a funny shape too), whereas this stag do would likely make your DH very happy, or looking at it from another angle..... missing a great stag with his brother would likely make him unhappy and resentful. Stop trying to change him to be a male version of you. If you love and respect him, accept that this is important for him and then maybe suggest ways in which you can cut down to make up for the money spent, or suggest you do something with a girlfriend as a treat for a change, like go for a spa day if you could bare to spend the money.

Wholovesorangesoda · 19/09/2017 22:15

Bit late to the party here but I find it very odd that you are concerned about it dipping into money being saved for a renovation and future maternity leave. If he has his own 'pocket money', I'm sure he can put it back into the kitty without mich of a problem. Even if it turned out you were pregnant this very day, he would still have 8 months to put it back.
I think yabvu

myusernameisnotmyusername · 19/09/2017 22:20

**user1497997754 you should be ashamed of yourself!

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 19/09/2017 22:46

@BackToTheCaveman so it's totally okay for me to call you ignorant!
I mean, it's obvious for people to see and if you don't like it then you can do something to change that

UtahGirl12 · 19/09/2017 23:36

So, you mention all the comments about your weight/size OP and flounce off, and ignore all the YABU advice (that you asked for)

Thatsnotapotato · 19/09/2017 23:46

So, you mention all the comments about your weight/size OP and flounce off, and ignore all the YABU advice (that you asked for)

^^this

cheval · 19/09/2017 23:49

I am old. Find these expensive hen, stag dos on top of mega weddings quite odd. Would rather spend the money on myself and family..
But think your husband needs to do this for his brother, you need to let him go for it. He will never forgive you otherwise. Home improvements can wait.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 20/09/2017 00:17

Fwiw the body shaming comments were unnecessary and only formed a small minority. I get that they were painful but there were also lots of other reasonable comments from reasonable posters saying you were still being unreasonable.

Look you've gone up a few sizes, most of us have during and after pregnancy. If you can afford it, a new wardrobe is nice to have. If you can afford it, going to your brother's stag do is also nice to have. Neither choice is meaning you have to do without gas or electricity or groceries for the week. So it's puzzling that you're SO defensive about your spending choices casting them as some sort of essential need when millions of women put on weight and can't buy nicer clothes. And if they can they're probably in jobs where they get paid enough that these things don't matter (much).

So you are in effect constructing a straw man scenario where your spending is a necessity, your husband's is a frivolity, which will cause hardship to your family and want a bunch of strangers on the internet to agree that he's a selfish bastard.

Well, actually - either your job needs nice new clothes and money isn't as dire a problem, or it doesn't and money is hard. And if money isn't a problem then surely your DH is also allowed some discretionary spending. And your overall flouncing and controlling tone suggest you're being deliberately difficult. Which is why so many posters are saying YABU.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 20/09/2017 04:28

I think the OP has had too rough a ride over this.
The Stag weekend comes down to a simple question of priorities. And it's up to OP and her DH to decide what those are for themselves and then to come to an agreement together.

Home/family practicalities v supporting bro in a memorable stag weekend.

Neither choice is 'wrong' but both choices are coming from totally different perspectives.

Although I agree OP's hubby should go on the stag if he wants I totally get where OP is coming from. Personally, I'd see the stag as an unnecessary waste of money (why do they need to be so extravagant!??) and a pain if we've got household projects to complete.

However, on balance, if it'd make my DH happy to go on the Stag I'd suck it up as a one off. He'd be such a happy bunny for ages Easter Smile with fabulous memories to last a lifetime.

AnnaFiveTowns · 20/09/2017 04:57

You sound very controlling. If the male/female roles were reversed in this we'd all be telling you to LTB.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2017 04:57

Are you going to "allow" him to go on the stag do?

DianaT1969 · 20/09/2017 05:25

Are you interested in your husband's happiness OP? You don't sound a lot of fun. He had a life once. I wonder how keen he is for a 2nd child, if this is how it is with one - being told he must miss major family events.

LML83 · 20/09/2017 06:05

I am fed up with trend of stag dos abroad. All my hens have been afternoons then evenings out in a city nearby. All my husband's stag invites are a weekend abroad. It's annoying but you either say yes please or no thank you. You can't ask to change the stag.

It's annoying amount of money but that is what BIL has chosen and unless it means the mortgage won't be paid DH should go.

I would never complain about dh going on stag for his best friends or family. Anyone outside the close circle he politely declines as he knows it is a lot out of family money.

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