Cropped out of best friends group photo - AIBU to be hurt?

[Surfinwhenshouldbworkin]

I'm probably going to be found out if any of my friends are on this site but here goes...
I am part of a group of 4 friends who've know each other for many many years (since school/college and we're now approaching 40).

I've always known that the other three are closer and it's never really bothered me too much, except on a couple of occasions when they were getting together and I only got an invite at very short notice. Too short notice to be able to arrange to attend. This bothered me at the time (it's happened 2 or 3 times) precisely because we usually make arrangements at least a few days in advance to make sure everyone can attend with work and childcare to arrange, etc, and I got the invite at such short notice I couldn't go, even though I am almost certain the meeting would have been arranged days in advance so the others could all make it. I put it down to being forgotten about, but it hurt. I didn't make an issue at these times but once I did say that had I been given notice at the time it was arranged I would have been able to make it. Met with silence.
Anyhow, I've been a bit off the social scene for a while due to being pregnant and breastfeeding (sometimes both at same time) for the last couple of years, but we still are regularly in touch on WhatsApp, via text and meeting up at each other's houses or going for lunch where I could bring baby along for feeds, etc. They went out in evenings drinking (not particularly often as they're all busy girls too) and I never minded missing out on the boozy do's really.

DC2 is now 1 and weaned and I'm making it back out for nights out. A recent special night out took place as one of the group has in the last year emigrated abroad. She was back in the U.K. and this special night out for the four of us plus husbands was arranged and it was fab. Really enjoyed it. We posed for photos all the four girls together.
Now it's one of the girls birthday coming up. I texted another of the group to send me some photos of us all on our night out so I can have one printed and framed specially for the birthday girl and offered to get a copy printed for her as well. She knew what I wanted the photos for. She sent a few pics to me but the last one was a group shot of all of us that had been cropped so I was not in it. It was just the three of them, blown up and angled so I was completely cropped out of it.

Now I know they're closer and I'm fine with that but I'm rejoining the nights out part of our socialising and now feel like I'm not regarded as one of the group. Not sure what this means but I am aware that they see themselves as the real deal and me as a bit of a spare part.

This re-enforces my slightly hurt feelings about being forgotten to be invited to daytime get togethers in the past. Aibu to feel really hurt??

You're starting to sound a bit weird to be honest. Watch people squirm, purposefully making them uncomfortable? You're making out you are nicer than them, you don't sound it now.

You might want to be careful pushing for the truth, because you might get it.

I don't think you can ask her why she cropped the photo. There was nothing wrong with that - she feels closer to the others, and wanted that photo.

What was wrong was sending it to you. If you honestly think she did that deliberately, then you need to fade away from her, as that's unkind. If it was an accident, then you have to decide what you want. They don't see you as close a friend as they see each others, and that's just how it is - not something for them to apologise for. If you still want to be friends with them, you may have to accept that. Or if you don't, it's fine to move on. And it's fine to be hurt by it, as well, even while accepting that there's nothing wrong with them being a closer three with each other. You already know that they aren't as close to you. Hurtful as that may be to you, that in itself is not anything for them to be guilty or apologetic for.

If you do want to remain friends, on the same terms you are now - not as close to them as they are to each others - they I wouldn't say anything. If you want to move on, go for it.

I wouldn't use a confrontation like that to judge whether to continue the friendship or not. What sort of answer could she give? They won't want to admit they are closer to each other, but it's the truth. There's nothing they could say, or apologise for, that would change that. Asking why she sent it to you is different; if you really want to know, then you can bring it up - but I doubt the friendship would survive that, so I'd be sure that's what you want first. They are likely to get defensive and to make excuses, as that's what happens in confrontations, and then you'll still end up feeling unsure if it was deliberate or not. What would you like them to say? You can tell them you were hurt - but what can they do that would change anything? Pretend it's not true, that you're all equally close? I don't think you will be able to make any decisions based on their reactions tonight.

I think it comes down to you deciding whether you want to stay friends with people who are closer to each other, or not. There's no right answer to that. Some people might find it acceptable, and others not. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. I am friends with other people who are closer to each other. It does hurt, absolutely. But there's not much I can do about it, either. They are doing nothing wrong. And it's up to me whether I want that level of friendship, or whether I want to try to find my own separate crowd of 'best friends' that I'm more equal with.

Hope you find a solution you are happy with.

In reality they have moved on while you were off having your baby. I know that sounds harsh but it's just the way it is. It doesn't mean that you won't get the friendship back just that right now they have formed a group without you, not in a nasty way just because of life. I have exactly the same thing, we were a group of five, I've had two children and over the years missed out on chunks due to pregnancy complications, breast feeding and kids in general (they all don't have kids and all work in central London) they have continued and although they don't mean it nastily they often forget or don't think to involve me anymore. It huts my feelings but I also know that it's just one of thos things. I'm sure as my kids get more independent and I get to see them more the friendship will blossom again. Chin up, hurtful yes but I doubt it was malicious.

I have had similar. I still have to see the people concerned but do not consider them actual friends any more. At one time, we were very close, went through raising kids, losing parents etc together. Real 'we know where the bidies are buried' friendships.
After I realised i had been left out of a certain event, I cried. A lot!!i spoke to two people and explained how I felt and we are fine now. The rest, I deleted from Facebook and made a conscious effort to move on. I contacted other friends that I had kind of let fall away and really took the time to meet up with them and also, to really think about what I really wanted from friends.
It is difficult to be in daily contact with the others, none of them have mentioned the event or me deleting them. I don't know if the two i spoke to have said anythjng and neither do I need to. I have taken control of how it affected me and moved on. I am polite and friendly but I feel my heart is protected now. I have realised that people who you are inseparable from at one stage in your life, simply sometimes evolve in other ways and that really is ok.

I think you're being really over dramatic and it's very unfair to hijack BG's meal with this nonsense.

I think Cropper probably did crop you out of the photo for herself because she wanted a photo of her with the other two she is closer to. Then when you asked her to text you some photos just quickly scrolled through and clicked a few thumbnails and sent them without even registered she'd sent you the cropped one.

How was the meal?

Dynamic def changes when one in a group has a baby. I was first in one of my groups by a long way to have a baby. They'd arrange things like a 4 mile walk around hampstead heath and I'd decline when 8 months pregnant as I knew I just couldn't do it. There was a certain amount of 'oh come on I bet you could if you wanted to'. Now one of the others has just had a baby, the petty person in me wanted to ask if she would've fancied the 4 mile walk so pregnant! They just don't know what it's like and your priorities have changed. Hope your meal went well

How did it go?

How was the meal op?

It would be such a shame to lose your friends over this. It probably has an innocent (and thoughtless) explanation. You should speak to the friend who sent it and move on especially since you're now ready for some nights out. Shame not to have any mates to go with. IME mum friends tend to be transient, people move on when they return to work, dc start different schools, move house etc. A friendship group of 20- 30 yrs is worth saving. You have more in common with them than the year your dc were born

You were only cropped out of one. If they are a tight unit of three and you are someone who occasionally joins them, it makes sense they would want a picture of just the main 'crew' on what you said was a great night out. It was a lot kinder than asking you to step out of a picture on the night.

Is it possible the photo cropper is responsible for the other things? Eg the late invites? Then telling the others you were already busy or similar? Seems like the 2 others are fine and positively want you in the group.

Did you go?

Well I went to the meal, I never really planned it to though I was a bit nervous about whether there would be any awkward atmosphere. I had talked to Birthday Girl before hand and made it clear I didn't want to ruin her birthday or make the night out awkward in any way. She was fine about it. On the night there was no real atmosphere. Birthday Girl says she's not mentioned anything to the others so that's probably why though I'm sure if Cropper did know about it she'd feel similar in not wanting to spoil Birthday Girls night.

In the long term I'm happy to still be friends with them all though it's clear(er) now that they are very much a 3 and I am the outsider in a way, even after all these years.

I am looking at it in a more positive light now in that not being in a clique has some advantages. You can dip in and out when you want and don't necessarily feel beholden to attend every single thing or keep in touch as much and it will give me the kick up the bum I needed to concentrate more on other potential good friends I have who I don't see as much of.

I don't think the photo was sent to me deliberately, I don't think she realised what she'd done, but it does highlight the group dynamics which I found hurtful but I will be fine going forward.

Like so many have said, it's just the way things are and they shouldn't feel guilty that they are closer or get along better.

That sounds positive. I'm glad you're still friends, it would have been a shame to throw the friendships away over a photo. The friendship has just changed, as they sometimes do.

Glad you are being positive