Cropped out of best friends group photo - AIBU to be hurt?

[Surfinwhenshouldbworkin]

I'm probably going to be found out if any of my friends are on this site but here goes...
I am part of a group of 4 friends who've know each other for many many years (since school/college and we're now approaching 40).

I've always known that the other three are closer and it's never really bothered me too much, except on a couple of occasions when they were getting together and I only got an invite at very short notice. Too short notice to be able to arrange to attend. This bothered me at the time (it's happened 2 or 3 times) precisely because we usually make arrangements at least a few days in advance to make sure everyone can attend with work and childcare to arrange, etc, and I got the invite at such short notice I couldn't go, even though I am almost certain the meeting would have been arranged days in advance so the others could all make it. I put it down to being forgotten about, but it hurt. I didn't make an issue at these times but once I did say that had I been given notice at the time it was arranged I would have been able to make it. Met with silence.
Anyhow, I've been a bit off the social scene for a while due to being pregnant and breastfeeding (sometimes both at same time) for the last couple of years, but we still are regularly in touch on WhatsApp, via text and meeting up at each other's houses or going for lunch where I could bring baby along for feeds, etc. They went out in evenings drinking (not particularly often as they're all busy girls too) and I never minded missing out on the boozy do's really.

DC2 is now 1 and weaned and I'm making it back out for nights out. A recent special night out took place as one of the group has in the last year emigrated abroad. She was back in the U.K. and this special night out for the four of us plus husbands was arranged and it was fab. Really enjoyed it. We posed for photos all the four girls together.
Now it's one of the girls birthday coming up. I texted another of the group to send me some photos of us all on our night out so I can have one printed and framed specially for the birthday girl and offered to get a copy printed for her as well. She knew what I wanted the photos for. She sent a few pics to me but the last one was a group shot of all of us that had been cropped so I was not in it. It was just the three of them, blown up and angled so I was completely cropped out of it.

Now I know they're closer and I'm fine with that but I'm rejoining the nights out part of our socialising and now feel like I'm not regarded as one of the group. Not sure what this means but I am aware that they see themselves as the real deal and me as a bit of a spare part.

This re-enforces my slightly hurt feelings about being forgotten to be invited to daytime get togethers in the past. Aibu to feel really hurt??

They didn't feed theirs for long tbh and it is easier to go out when baby will take a bottle from someone else but mine were always boob and that's all they had. Great experience and I wouldn't change it but punishing on your evenings and time away from baby. Mine would never take a bottle, neither of them.
I can't blame my pregnancies or breastfeeding entirely I don't think.

It hasn't helped things though and I did feel a bit like I was missing out but honestly I would do it again so no regrets.

Have any of them tried to contact you since you left the group chat? I'm assuming they know it was because of the photo? That was so rude and hurtful of her.

The group dynamics changed for a lengthy period of time - especially girls nights out - I wonder if they (or one dominant member) preferred this smaller group? So once you attended to resume after timeout she hasn't liked it one bit?

If for example the dominant one suggests a date, the others follow suit and she leaves your invite until the last minute. Yes, she's invited you, so when you kick up a fuss - you are portrayed as the unreasonable one? She's upped her game if she's chopping you out of photos...

I wouldn't bring it up at the B'day - I'd go - then I'd distance myself from all of the MEAN GIRLS...

Yes birthday girl has been in touch because I texted her to tell her how hurt I was and that I was leaving our chat group.

To be honest she's been lovely and asked me to reconsider and hopes we can all still be ok though she totally understands why I'm upset. She is quite sensitive and I know if it were her she'd be really hurt too.

I may just slowly fade out of the group over time but still see birthday girl as she's fine with me when we're all together or when we're on our own though somehow it's always clear how much she thinks of the others iykwim. I do feel like a second tier friend. Oh how silly this all is!

that sucks, that really does. she didn't have to crop you out. unnecessarily hurtful. her knowing you're hurt is no bad thing. take some time out. glad the birthday girl understands.

I'd get little piccies framed up for all of them - in each case, with the one I was sending it to cropped out titled "A reminder of how important you are to me". Signed with a "Fuck off" (but that's just me, I don't want people around me who bring me down).

I just do not understand this pathetic sad small-minded petty childish crap that some grown women feel the need to aspire to. How quickly some women forget how hard it is in the earlier times of having children. Shame on them. You shouldn't have to work for their affection and for inclusion OP. You sound very much like you're worth 20 of them. .

I wouldn't bloody go out with them every again - if you do, you're effectively saying 'yes it's fine to treat me like shit' and why should you be?

It's a shame, although understandable why, you've left that group. I think if I were in this situation I would be feeling much the same as you but also that there's nothing left to lose in confronting 'the cropper' outright, in front of the other two. Friends don't behave this way, end of. If the birthday friend is nice then she will be feeling bad for the way you've been treated. Ask all of them how they would feel to be treated this way by a member of a close group of friends?

I'd also bear in mind that a group of three (female) friends is destined not to last very long. I don't really think that groups of women are ever that close no matter how they purport to be.

I have male friends mostly and they're just not like this. Shrug off this group, maybe keep the birthday friend on a one-to-one assuming she's not the emigrated friend, and just develop new friendships as they arise. I wouldn't ever allow myself to be part of a closeted and cloying group again though.

Sorry for you

What a horrible situation OP but the reality is that birthday girl will have earlier seen the cropped out photo and appears to have condoned it.

The last thing Id do is confront one of them because they'll all end up on the defensive and I doubt they'll be kind to you.

I'd just leave it now and let them all get on with it. Block them and move on.

Oh good you told birthday girl, mabey she has had a word with the others. I would go to the party, then distance myself. No need for a big confrontation, sometimes life is too short for playground rubbish like that. Birthday girl sounds a spineless sheep, when you leave it may be her next.

Poor you, rest assured that three is a crowd anyway and one has emigrated so the dynamics will likely change again. In the meantime extend you own friendship groups.

A slightly different perspective....Are you sure she isn't "doing something" with her photos for a different purpose? E.g. I did a calendar for my DD's godfather with pictures of the two of them on it. There was a really nice picture of them with another friend of ours. I cropped her out for the purpose of making the calendar. Not because I don't like her - not at all - I just wanted a series of photos just with DD and godfather in them. So - say your friend has a picture of just the three of them on a previous occasion and thought it'd be amusing to do a "then" and "now" comparison. Then she might crop you out. Not because they don't like you, but simply because you weren't there the first time round, so it dilutes the effect of comparing two similar pictures. Do you see what I mean?

You are reading quite a lot into this....although I'm sure I'd feel very hurt in your shoes regardless.

Poor you op.

I have to say, been there and done that (very recently).

I declared war apparently by deleting them all off social media. I was tired of seeing my so called 'group' going out without me.

Sometimes I would be invited, usually on a day they knew I couldn't make. Occasionally if I could make an evening out, someone else would say they couldn't and they'd change it so I would be left.

I have now been portrayed as a total nutter and completely unreasonable to all and sundry.

I know it sounds very petty but it really does hurt. Anyone who says otherwise has never experienced it. It just hits a nerve.

I feel for you op. The only advice I can give is that time heals. Shut them out and the energy you have spent worrying about it can be put to better use on opening your heart to true friends.

I was going to say the same as a pp; i crop and mess about with photos all the time. I have a wedding photo of me and DH with my DDs as bridesmaids cropped out! Just because it's the best one of me and him. I've cropped DH and i out of the same photo for a lovely pic of just the girls.

Perhaps she was cropping it to send to someone who knows only her and the one/s she left in?

Anyway - under the circs. it's not just the photo - it's more being made to feel you're second fiddle for all the other little reasons. Don't spend too much time or energy worrying about it anymore OP. If they're worth it they'll take the hint you feel left out and make it up to you. If not - you've lost nothing

NataliaOsipova
It's not just the photos though is it?
It's about the exclusions and dates arranged when the OP can't make it.

Not unreasonable at all. I'd be super hurt by that too.

I have nothing constructive to add I'm afraid, other than just expressing my sympathies and some (virtual hugs!)

But even the arrangements aren't necessarily sinister, notacooldad. When you try to get four people together who have kids to consider, then any arrangements get complicated. If the OP is the hardest to accommodate, then she might end up being presented with "we are doing x on y date - can you come?" rather than being involved from the start. I've been that person, because my DH travels a lot. I've always understood the reasoning behind that. It's not that I'm not wanted, it's just that I can't get out as much because of my responsibilities.

Don't get me wrong - I can see why the OP feels hurt. I'm just saying they aren't necessarily trying to exclude her; they may just be able to get out together more often than they can get out as a foursome.

Exactly, its not just one photo, its the low level exclusion, gradually inching op out of the group. This photo is the icing on the cake.

Even op has admitted that the other 3 are closer, and yes you are probably right, you being pregnant and breastfeeding, have probably meant the others have become closer and your not.

They set up a whatsapp group for a night out you couldn't attend and they wanted a pic for the group?
Ask her?
You - 'Hey how come you cut me out of that pic?'
Her - 'blah blah innocent explanation'.
It's unlikely but possible.

I agree with Natalia completely, I don't see it as sinister and the photo being cropped to the three of them because they are closer isn't sinister, it would be if she hadn't also sent the origional photo which makes it seem she accidentally sent the cropped one. I completely understand why you are hurt though and I probably would have been myself.

OP, I can so understand why you're hurt.

But I also understand that this group is important to you.

You've said you're trying to make new friends with other mums. Give this time, because your DC are young still. Those friendships have time to grow.

You do sound lovely, and sorry this has happened to you.

She could very easily have sent you the cropped photo in error.

I think you overreacted and you can hardly rock up to the night out now after you've flounced. Or you could, I suppose, and make things awkward for the birthday girl...

She might have been cropping the picture for some other reason.

Jeez, why send the blinkin' cropped version to the person you cropped out? Completely stupid or just plain mean...

I had this but we were a group of 3. Something happened and they wrongly made assumptions about me and decided that their imaginings were more interesting than the truth apparently. A half hearted attempt was made to move past it but I then decided it all was too much and told them I no longer wanted to be friends with them. It's horrible to see them at school runs but a relief to know they are no longer pretending to be my friend.

Well at the moment I'm a stay home mum and the days I couldn't go to were because I had been told about the get together so last minute I had made plans with another friend but if I had known when they were likely first arranged I would have been able to go. The reason I couldn't go was because birthday girl forgot to invite me till the night before the morning when they were meeting up. Her day off work is the same day as my eldest is in nursery all day. It's the perfect day for me to meet up at someone's house because I only have baby with me that day so going to someone's house is ideal. I feel I was forgotten, then remembered about at the last minute and it was difficult for birthday girl to hide that I was an after thought.

Anyway thank you everyone who has taken the time to advise on this.

And I just have to say that anyone reading this who is in any way wondering about breastfeeding - please don't let any social worries affect your decision, after reading about my experience with my group. Just feed how you want to, bottle or boob, and don't let anything else sway you for or against your choice, especially not being isolated or social pressure from others.

They're only little babies for such a short time so just enjoy it however you feed them. Having kids interferes with your social life anyway no matter how you do it so don't be put off! X