Cropped out of best friends group photo - AIBU to be hurt?

[Surfinwhenshouldbworkin]

I'm probably going to be found out if any of my friends are on this site but here goes...
I am part of a group of 4 friends who've know each other for many many years (since school/college and we're now approaching 40).

I've always known that the other three are closer and it's never really bothered me too much, except on a couple of occasions when they were getting together and I only got an invite at very short notice. Too short notice to be able to arrange to attend. This bothered me at the time (it's happened 2 or 3 times) precisely because we usually make arrangements at least a few days in advance to make sure everyone can attend with work and childcare to arrange, etc, and I got the invite at such short notice I couldn't go, even though I am almost certain the meeting would have been arranged days in advance so the others could all make it. I put it down to being forgotten about, but it hurt. I didn't make an issue at these times but once I did say that had I been given notice at the time it was arranged I would have been able to make it. Met with silence.
Anyhow, I've been a bit off the social scene for a while due to being pregnant and breastfeeding (sometimes both at same time) for the last couple of years, but we still are regularly in touch on WhatsApp, via text and meeting up at each other's houses or going for lunch where I could bring baby along for feeds, etc. They went out in evenings drinking (not particularly often as they're all busy girls too) and I never minded missing out on the boozy do's really.

DC2 is now 1 and weaned and I'm making it back out for nights out. A recent special night out took place as one of the group has in the last year emigrated abroad. She was back in the U.K. and this special night out for the four of us plus husbands was arranged and it was fab. Really enjoyed it. We posed for photos all the four girls together.
Now it's one of the girls birthday coming up. I texted another of the group to send me some photos of us all on our night out so I can have one printed and framed specially for the birthday girl and offered to get a copy printed for her as well. She knew what I wanted the photos for. She sent a few pics to me but the last one was a group shot of all of us that had been cropped so I was not in it. It was just the three of them, blown up and angled so I was completely cropped out of it.

Now I know they're closer and I'm fine with that but I'm rejoining the nights out part of our socialising and now feel like I'm not regarded as one of the group. Not sure what this means but I am aware that they see themselves as the real deal and me as a bit of a spare part.

This re-enforces my slightly hurt feelings about being forgotten to be invited to daytime get togethers in the past. Aibu to feel really hurt??

So, they arrange dates that suit them, and then ask if you'd like to attend, and if you can't it's not rearranged.

I wouldn't assume that they dislike you (they'd cut you out completely if they did) but you do seem like a second tier friend. This may be unintentional so have a candid chat with the one you're closest to.

I wouldn't read too much into this.

She obviously just sent you the bunch of photos without checking each one and for whatever reason she had a photo that had been cropped and she sent it with the others.

There's tons of reasons you could have been cropped I wouldn't make such a big deal over it. Me and my friends crop photos all the time. One of my best friends has her whatsapp picture and her and another friend. I know I was in the original photo but for it to fit it needed cropping and her and the other friend looked better than me and her. She just wanted a flattering photo of herself.

I wouldn't end a 30 year friendship over the cropping of one photo! And flouncing out of the group chat is a bit dramalama.

It appears they see you as an add on.
Personally I would be backing out if this group. If it had just been one thing I would have confronted it either the photo or the arrangements but not both. Youve taken yourself off from Whats App. I would be putting them on restricted posts on FB and treating them ad some people that I used to know.
I wouldn't be treated as anyone's clown.

First of all, I would be extremely hurt with that. I would message the person who gave you the photo, saying: "thanks for the photos, but where is the one I am in, I seemed to be cropped out" is that a mistake! Tbh you got your answers, I would distance myself from them, and concentrate on other friends, they sound like they are pushing you out.

good idea to not destroy the 30 year friendship though op

It does not matter how long the friendship has been, things can change like relationships do. My friends parents broke up after 40 years, it happens. No good flogging a dead horse.

Unfortunately in many friendship groups there may be someone who is assigned the role of 'also-ran'. Sometimes it's deliberate cruelty or an ego-boost for the the others. Sometimes it just seems to happen. Either way it's a painful place to be in. I think the photocropping wasn't deliberate. But I do think it is indicative of your place in the group.

Honestly, I would start to dis-engage. You don't have to completely drop out, but I would start prioritizing my other friends over this group. I realize that you've been friends 'forever', but even that type of friendship can fade with the years. Especially if you are the only one who has had children or if you are the only one who has difficulty finding childcare at the drop of a hat. I'd much rather be in a group of 'new friends' who treat me as a cared about equal than a group of 'old friends' who treat me so cavalierly.

Hi surfing.

I had an almost identical experience with being part of a group of four from uni. The thing about being invited to things at the last minute really resonated wit me, but I identify with all that you say.

I think there is a chance that this isn't really about the photo. Feeling like the outsider and a second rate member of the group was actually really damaging to me. I wonder if you are feeling like you don't want to be in this situation any more.

I was reluctant to break away from my "friends" because I had invested so much in the friendships. However, something happened which brought the situation to a head and I cut them all off. How I wish I had done this years before. It was one of the best things I had ever done.

I m not saying that this is the right thing for you to do, but just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and moving on was a great decision for me.

Good luck. You sound lovely

I would find it very hurtful to have spent my whole adult life being on the periphery of a group of friends, it must be very damaging to your self esteem in the long run.
I would use the photo incident as a kick up the bum to go out and find some better friends, that don't treat you like that.
They're just people you have known a long time, not friends. You are worth so much more than that.

If she sent you both the original too, I imagine she sent the cropped version in error. However, she still cropped you out of the pic for her own collection. That would hurt.

I was going to suggest you use a pic of you and the friend whose birthday it is, as you say you are closest to her, but then you said:
Incidentally it's my closest friend (the birthday girl) who previously forgot to invite me along to daytime meet ups till the last minute

I second taking a step back, but don't completely end the friendship.

It does not matter how long the friendship has been, things can change like relationships do.

100% this. Quantity does not equal quality. Some of my best friends I've been best friends with since school. Others I met at work 2 years ago.

God how bloody hurtful

Sorry op I couldn't see it anywhere but do any of your friends have kids? Just wondered whether you being off having babies etc might have made someone jealous? Or think you no longer fit in? Sorry just taking a guess.

For whatever reason it does sound like this friendship has cooled. I would stay in touch but concentrate more on others. They don't deserve you

my dm of 82 her old friend didnt talk to her for some 15 years, dropped contact, but contact was made again.
no dead horse flogging involved.

are you the first of the group to have kids? If so they'll have had a lot of time as a 'three' while you've been pregnant and with a little one so they will see themselves as a lot closer and you probably are out of the loop - that doesn't mean you can't get back into it though but if you're the only mum you'll have been on a different page to them and it'll take some time for your friendship to adapt- be patient it gets lots easier as your child gets older and you can socialise more again I wouldn't take it too personally

Why waste your time Slarty, life is to short for all that crap, op has already said that she is on the periphery, that really its just three of them. Mabey its because she has a child, and the rest don't, when op has not able to attend functions, the friendship has evolved. The photo was deliberate, to crop one person out of a group of 4 is quite telling.

With your dm friend, who's to say, she won't do that again, life is too short for flaky friends.

Another possibility, although I think you'd have mentioned it if it were the case. Were you ever in the habit of cancelling at the last minute?

I have a friend who used to do that. Four of us would make plans to go out. We'd discuss schedules etc and choose a date that worked for everyone. This friend cancelled half the time so we began to coordinate with just the three of us, choose a date, then ask friend if she wanted to come along. It probably seemed as though we were excluding her, as I suppose we were. We excluded her from the planning stage.

I can understand being a bit upset but leaving the WhatsApp is passive aggressive and may actually make things worse if you do want to continue the friendship

Has any of them contacted you since?

aare the rest pf them childfree?

When you're looking in the direction of a set of people, where the friendship has run its course, you're looking away from potential new friends and opportunities.

I have read most friendships don't last past 7 years. The friendship of these people may have lasted longer because of your role as a peripheral person, who knows.

Do try to find some new friends. It does take time.

I am actually the last one out of the group to have my kids so mine are the youngest. We now all have two kids. I took longer out from our nights out because I fed DC1 for a long while and then got pregnant with DC2 while breastfeeding and then fed DC2 for a year, so no alcohol for me though I did try hard to make it to daytime catch ups.
We're all mums in the same boat really only they're a few years ahead of me.

Yes I think I am fed up of feeling like the spare part although I was ok to ignore it (it's always been me) but the almost forgotten last min invites and now this picture have rubbed my nose in it a bit too much.

I don't want a massive row or anything but yes perhaps to step back. We're meant to be going out for a meal this coming week for birthday girl's b-day and I'm embarrassed at flouncing out of our group chat but also I feel like I want them to know how I feel, well, especially the friend who cropped me out. It's because I'm hurt and reacting I guess. Though not a grown up thing to do I admit.

These people aren't your friends.

I have an aunt who partakes in Mean Girls behaviour, she cropped me out of a photo of me and her two children and then posted it on social media knowing I would see it. When it happens to you it's very hurtful.

I decided there and then that I had enough of her bullshit and I'm a lot happier that I've put space between us. Still polite at social events but I surround myself with people who are kind and enhance my life.

Ouch. That must hurt. As much that the other friend thought nothing of sending you the picture with you cropped out.

It sounds like you're more on the edge of this group nowadays. Did none of the others take time out from evening stuff when they had little ones or did they coincide?

If you've already said you'll attend, I'd go and behave with grace. IMO, there's nothing to be gained by 'speaking your mind', they'll never realize that they have treated you shabbily, it's been going on for so long. Then, once the meal is over, stay off the chat-group and turn down invitations until you slowly fade out of view.

I know you've said you consider one particular woman as your 'best friend'. Do you ever see her on your own? How does she treat you when the other two aren't around?

Any fear of having a chat with them all on the next night out and say that you're feeling ignored?

If she responded with 'we're the awesome foursome' then maybe she meant it?