Cropped out of best friends group photo - AIBU to be hurt?

[Surfinwhenshouldbworkin]

I'm probably going to be found out if any of my friends are on this site but here goes...
I am part of a group of 4 friends who've know each other for many many years (since school/college and we're now approaching 40).

I've always known that the other three are closer and it's never really bothered me too much, except on a couple of occasions when they were getting together and I only got an invite at very short notice. Too short notice to be able to arrange to attend. This bothered me at the time (it's happened 2 or 3 times) precisely because we usually make arrangements at least a few days in advance to make sure everyone can attend with work and childcare to arrange, etc, and I got the invite at such short notice I couldn't go, even though I am almost certain the meeting would have been arranged days in advance so the others could all make it. I put it down to being forgotten about, but it hurt. I didn't make an issue at these times but once I did say that had I been given notice at the time it was arranged I would have been able to make it. Met with silence.
Anyhow, I've been a bit off the social scene for a while due to being pregnant and breastfeeding (sometimes both at same time) for the last couple of years, but we still are regularly in touch on WhatsApp, via text and meeting up at each other's houses or going for lunch where I could bring baby along for feeds, etc. They went out in evenings drinking (not particularly often as they're all busy girls too) and I never minded missing out on the boozy do's really.

DC2 is now 1 and weaned and I'm making it back out for nights out. A recent special night out took place as one of the group has in the last year emigrated abroad. She was back in the U.K. and this special night out for the four of us plus husbands was arranged and it was fab. Really enjoyed it. We posed for photos all the four girls together.
Now it's one of the girls birthday coming up. I texted another of the group to send me some photos of us all on our night out so I can have one printed and framed specially for the birthday girl and offered to get a copy printed for her as well. She knew what I wanted the photos for. She sent a few pics to me but the last one was a group shot of all of us that had been cropped so I was not in it. It was just the three of them, blown up and angled so I was completely cropped out of it.

Now I know they're closer and I'm fine with that but I'm rejoining the nights out part of our socialising and now feel like I'm not regarded as one of the group. Not sure what this means but I am aware that they see themselves as the real deal and me as a bit of a spare part.

This re-enforces my slightly hurt feelings about being forgotten to be invited to daytime get togethers in the past. Aibu to feel really hurt??

Oh bless you OP

Op don't let anyone on here minimise your feelings. You know the situation better than us, it certainly sounds like they are pushing you out.

Op I'm (kind of) in a group of four too. And like you, I'm the 'outsider'. I've been friends with two of them since the start of senior school and then at sixth form another joined us. She was quite divisive; we went from a happy group of three to a quite toxic group of four. My two original friends were very much in awe of her and seemed under her spell, even though she slagged us all off to each other behind our backs. I moved away from the group and found other friends but the 'Wendy' (Mumsnet term) saw that as reason to slate me more and more until I really felt very removed from them all.
A time passed while we were all at our seperate unis where we met up during the holidays and things eased between us and we had some good times throughout our twenties up until now but I am still the odd one out... like you I always seem to be the last they ask on nights out. So they'll all get together and organise a date and then let me know and if I can't make it... well that's just tough luck! The most hurtful thing was when two of them asked the other two to be bridesmaids and I wasn't!
Anyway, I don't really came anymore. I did call one of them out on it once and she was very defensive so I've dropped t now. I think they now get the message that I prioritise them quite low now, and that's fine because they do the same to me. All is amicable now, great in fact because I find the whole tightknit group thing a bit suffocating anyway, but it's taken a decade or so for me to feel at peace with it all!

Anyway, sorry OP I digressed talking about me, me, me
What I wanted to say at the outset of my post was that if this happened to me with that group I too would be upset. But not massively surprised either...

There are two many other occasions where this "closest" friend/birthday girl has leafy you out and made you feel sad. Even if she'd cropped you out for some other reason and sent it by accident, she'd have been mortified or tried to explain.. But she didn't, she made some cruel joke about how the photo was better without you, then back tracked. This "sensitive" friend knows exactly what she's doing. I wouldn't go to the meal, id back off and watch if they make much effort to make it up to you.

I'm the outsider too in a group of about 9 of us! Village mums all met through our kids.

I had a falling out with one of them over something I said about my child (she spun it round to make it as though I was insulting hers ) I apologised for 'upsetting her' despite me knowing I had nothing to apologise for but I removed myself from the group chat. I didn't feel comfortable talking with 'friends' about my child for fear of being spun into something else. It put a huge strain on my relationship with them too. They were supposed to be my friends and I was been silenced and muted!

Since then the group have largely ignored me - for the past 10 weeks. They have events and get-togethers that I know about from FB but i am no longer invited. One of them messaged me about something else and actually said "Oh, I keep forgetting you're not in the group anymore" - said a lot really!

I found it hard over the summer break; having a large amount of time on my hands and it was particularly hard on my DS who is only 5 and taking the brunt of it. But now he has learnt to entertain himself, find interests to keep occupied and play with his little sister! But TBH, I am used to it now. I have one more event coming up but I have 'watered down' my involvement in that and it suits me fine. These women KNOW I have anxiety issues. They know I went through terrible trauma last year which is still having lasting effects but instead of helping me, they exacerbated the issue and fed it. Friends don't do that.

Now I have changed my setting on FB. Removing them would be more catastrophic for DS than for me and I wouldn't do that to him. But my posts are filtered heavily. I choose my audiences and they don't see anything that is linked to my children. I was always on FB and posted several times a day; mainly sharing stuff. Not once have they asked me if I am alright. Not once.

Tomorrow I will face them in the 'playground'. I will hold my head high, speak when spoken (politely of course) and leave it at that.

It's hard to move on but I did it! I still have a way to go but never again will I put myself in a situation where I bare my soul and feelings to anyone. You never know who or when someone might turn on you.

Sorry to hear this op. People can be such bastards. I am also a frequent outsider, think I'm just too outspoken and know I deserve better than sitting and putting up with any old shit just so as to be part of a 'group'
Us outsiders should form our own group 😝

All of these accounts are so sad. It's a shame people have to be so nasty. However, I am totally unsurprised.

But the feeling you are forgotten about thing has a perfectly normal explanation, doesn't it? For years you have not been available for nights out and they have got used to doing things together, it's not surprising that they may forget to invite you now that you are somewhat available again.
I don't find that odd at all.

Existentialmoment: I would totally agree if we were a large group, say 6 or 8 but we're only 4. It's probably fairly easy not to notice someone's missing from plans if there's a lot of you.

I do think that everything has been unintentional from them. I certainly don't detect deliberate malice or anything but I think it just is a reflection that they just aren't that bothered. I was very hurt but calming down a lot now. I'll update when we've been out for the meal on Wednesday as that may be an indication of whether the friendship is drifting/dead. I'll be able to judge better then.

My emigrated overseas friend has added me back into the chat group on WhatsApp. With a bit of a telling off.

"Nobody leaves, Surfing. Not sure what you're playing at but I've added you back in."
No one else has said anything so not sure if they know what I left for? Nobody asked why. Obviously Birthday Girl knows. Wondering if she's said anything to Emigrated Friend or Photo Cropper, or not..?

I don't know why grown ups behave like this. Someone who I considered quite a close friend suddenly started blanking me because our daughters fell out. We never got to the bottom of why they did (I suspect my daughter was a bit needy and the other girl got fed up of it), but the other girl set out to exclude my daughter from their mutual friendship group. I spoke to the dad who was initially bemused, and then started painting my daughter as the one with the problem and it wasn't his fault that his daughter was more popular. In the meantime my daughter was excluded by her friends at school. I spoke to school about it, who were as bemused as everyone, and apparently that was the death knell. The parents now refuse to speak to me, to my husband, and any of our mutual friends (parents) are treated with massive suspicion. The girl, who used to practically live at our house, now shrinks away when she sees me.

I have never done or said anything to her, or said anything about her other than both girls were clearly upset and my daughter was having a really tough time. Oh, and asked if either us parents could sit with them and help them talk it through, or whether a teacher could if that would be easier. You would have thought I'd suggested a ritual beheading...

I just don't understand people sometimes. Surely it's easier just to be nice. It takes up a huge amount of time and energy holding a grudge and playing games and no-one benefits.

I think you misunderstood. Of course they know you are missing from plans, they forget that you are now available. But are you really? Do you still turn down a lot of things?

Honestly I always try and make it as we don't all get to see each other that often these days as everyone is busy. Certainly since I weaned DC2 I don't recall ever missing a meet up or turning any down.

I think you are making this a much bigger deal than necessary to be honest. It comes through in your posts.

Do you have the same " friends" or rather ex friends as me.
Reading your post is like reading an exact copy of my own experience.
I knew I wasn't as close. One women in the group seemed to dispise me for some reason. At first you think its in your imagination, don't you, but it wasn't.
They'd all go out together with the dcs, and not ask me and dd. They'd have the audacity to speak about it whenever we got together and say. Oh we couldn't get in touch with you.
Funny they could get in touch though. When she wanted something.
They'd spend about £20 on each others dcs, and my poor gobshite would get a £1 selection box. Yes a gift is a gift, but you don't by silk for one and cotton for another.
Anyway I bumped into the aunt of one of my "friends' and She said. Oh why don't you call down to our ...... with little spider. "She misses you. They all do" My reply was,
"Well they should have treated us as good as they treat each other"

Same happened to me. I left the WhatsApp groups and binned them all off Facebook. Life is too short for shit like that. They are bloody awful to our other friend but she is a people pleaser and doesn't like to make a point/fuss so still stays friends with them despite them making her feel paranoid etc.

Just step back from it all and leave them to it.

Well, after your friend adding you back to the Whatsapp group, I'd give them a chance. Surely if they didn't want you around, she wouldn't have done that.

Hello OP!
I have been reading this with such interest because after having my DS the same thing has happened to me. Obv not exactly the same but very much the same behaviours and feeling for me! Anyway I wanted to say to all posters that reading the replies gave me courage to address it and that's what I have done! It's a bit more complicated that your situation so I won't bore everyone with it. But I will say it feels good to just get it out. I wanted to just slowly cut ties with the girls involved but I felt like I couldn't until I said what I needed to.

And now it's done and I feel good! I have struggled to make Mum friends as we moved around a lot in the last year!
So that is my next focus!
Good luck OP you do sound lovely and I hope you find better friends

Mamamalt: I'm glad you're getting sorted with regards to what you're going to do now. Have you had it out with your friends and if so what did they say?

I'm getting very anxious about Birthday Girl's meal out tonight I have to say.

I'm not sure still if she's had a word with Photo Cropper yet? It's crazy I know, but I want to know if Photo Cropper knows how hurt I've been and if so does she give a crap or does she just think "I've not done anything wrong (which is strictly true I guess) and I'm not apologising so if Surfing is upset then tough!!"
I have asked Birthday Girl directly if Photo is aware of anything and she didn't answer my question, just dodged it....so I've apologised for pressing the point but asked her again directly, does she know or is she oblivious still.

I'm not sure what I should expect (if anything) tonight. If Photo Cropper mentions it I would ask her outright why she cropped me out of the pic (even though I know the answer) just to watch her squirm. I may do that anyway even if nothing is mentioned. What do you think????
I know I am making a huge deal over this now but I can't help it. This is what will decide if I drop her as a friend from now on, so I need to be sure I guess. Would you expect any kind of "I'm sorry"?? Or am I being really unreasonable??

I would bring it up if she doesn't. Hell youre owned an explanation. Her reaction when she sees you should speak volumes. I would be apologising profusely.

Hope it goes well

Are you the first in the group to have a baby? Some times the dynamic changes after someone has a baby... maybe they feel you've moved into a new phase or connect less with where they are? Or all their kids are older and they're having a second wind going out etc? (Not that excuses rudeness or being inconsiderate)

If it were me, I would put the picture thing to one side, try to meet up with them with an open mind and see how you feel, try to have a proper chat with your best friend out of the group... if it feels awkward or forced then perhaps you have your answer...

You sound lovely and deserve friends that appreciate you.

I would be feeling anxious if I were you too. Maybe a word to one side with photo?! And arrange something nice for you and birthday girl! Remember it's her birthday! I am sure you will be mindful of that.
In terms of what to expect i would say do not expect much. My situation was going well and I felt comfortable to say what that I was hurt for being left out and not invited and she said... it was me. 😂 they did invite me at the start (they didn't!) and I didn't come because I had just had a baby so they stopped inviting me.
I guess that answers whether we stay friends or not! Haha! Oh my. Some people are just totally self absorbed and have no way of seeing how others may need a friendship and support.
Onwards and upwards for us surfing!?

Whilst I understand your hurt, I do feel that maybe you are reading too much into it.
I do this with photos all the time. More recently I cropped a photo of 3 of us down to 2 just for a Facebook profile pic. I didn't think the friend I cropped out looked great, her eyes were closed etc so I cropped her.
Just another angle for you to took at it from, only you know the dynamic of your group. Big hugs though cos it's not a nice feeling

I think you are just overreacting now to be honest. Stop reading into it and actually ask them fgs. This is silly now and you are convinced they dislike you so what's the point in going tonight? Why go to see people you are convinced hate you and you won't even ask, to be fair there is nothing to even ask about, she cropped a photo why so dramatic about it.

Wow. I would reply (but I am blunt)

"What do you mean by nobody leaves? Seems it is ok if it is you guys leaving me out, but not for me to leave myself out. Double standards. You frequently tell me about arrangements to meet up so last minute that I cant make it, and now, you crop me out of group photos? I think I get the message! Why on earth add me back in?"