To think I'm not a baby machine and DH should get the snip?

[foxyface]

DC4 is 9mo and I've said from when I found out I was pregnant with him that this is absolutely our last child, because I know DH would really like to have about 6. I've also just been taken off the pill by my doctor since I was having too many severe side effects.

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child! We kind of had a small argument about it that ended with me telling him I think he should get a vasectomy.

He's been fine with me today and though I know I went about it the wrong way, I was being serious. I'm not a baby making machine, and for 17 years our birth control has been up to me. I feel like its his turn. AIBU?

Penis in vagina.

' He is furious that I will not even consider having a 5th child and has taken himself off to a hotel until he's decided what he wants to do. In all honesty I don't really know what's going on right now.'

What's going on is he is an abusive and manipulative piece of shit that you deserve better than ! He is a pathetic man baby that has no concept of the fact that he does NOTHING to help with pregnancy and birth other than have sex !
My god id not ever let him back if I were you ! He sounds utterly appalling .

Sterlisation is rarely considered now for women. Reversible methods of contraception, such as interuterine (low hormone or copper coil) and progestegen implants are on par or more effective. Female sterilisation is unnecessary in this context and considered medically risky even for the healthiest woman. Conversely vasectomy is a very simple and safe procedure - though the man may be sore for a day or so after, he can return to work. It won't be done when he is still expressing a desire for more children, however even though you are clear you don't want any more. Unless it's for 'spacing' (out your family), the diaphragm is not considered a proper method of contaception as it's so ineffective. Barrier methods that work are male or female condoms. Progestegen only pills are another safe option - they make the cervical mucus hostile to sperm, one type also suppresses ovulation in 97% of menstrual cycles.
There is a new temporary vasectomy-type contraception for men, but it's not available yet.

Hotel is crazy. Safe sex though! Why does he want 6 kids? Did you discuss it before? See above re female sterilisation. Any decent doctor will promote safer, acceptable options. Even if you get to the referral appointment it will be informing you it's risky for women and there are better options i.e. reversible methods or vasectomy.

Devices or apps that track cycle/fertility are not licensed as contraception in the UK due to poor reliability, only for trying to conceive.

I actually think he is being a d!ck
He knows your issues, youve got 4 kids, time he took one for the team
If he dont want to fine, but you may not feel like sex at all, you may feel if you did fall pregnant, he has no say in if you abort or not

See above re female sterilisation. Any decent doctor will promote safer, acceptable options

The trouble is that these options are not acceptable to all women. Some women react adversely to progesten, any of it, even in the Mirena. Its own leaflet explains possible side effects and 10-15% of them experience to them and some of those find them so unpleasant the Mirena is not an acceptable option for them, nor the injection, the implant or POP, which are also progesten-based. Similarly, a copper coil can produce heavier periods in some women that are unacceptable to them.

Any decent doctor should also take on board that a woman should have a choice in her contraception, including sterilisation, once she has been informed and makes an informed decision regarding the choices. Refusing a woman sterilisation because you feel the other methods are more acceptable is controlling and limiting her choice and autonomy over her own body.

'Even if you get to the referral appointment it will be informing you it's risky for women and there are better options i.e. reversible methods or vasectomy.'

So OP, once you decide that sterilisation if for you, don't take NO for an answer. It's not for anyone to foist contraception you find unacceptable on your body any more than it is for someone to tell you vasectomy is a better option when you don't have a penis. Ask for a referral to someone who is prepared to discuss sterilisation with you if you feel this is for you and you find from your own research that the risks are acceptable to you.

Better yet, if possible, go private so you can avoid someone who thinks they know what's best for all the little women out there and those who want to be sterlised after 4 kids just don't know their pretty little heads, they just need to shut up, spread their legs and have that IUD or IUS shoved up their cervix whether they like it or not, or put up with jabs or a foreign body shoved into their arm and bugger the side effects because Doctor Knows Best.

Misogyny is alive and well!

Just to add to this mix - I loved the diaphragm until dc4 came along while using one. I'm no longer such a fan however wonderful dc4 is. The problem is not being able to get the pessaries anymore IMO.

He is furious that I will not even consider having a 5th child and has taken himself off to a hotel until he's decided what he wants to do.'

Op, he is an asshole
Id be saying stay there till you can respect me and my body. He is not owed a 5th child
When he can gestate and birth, he can have a 5th

Ps pain with second coil was likely just because it was sitting too low. That wouldn't be likely to happen again and you could have it replaced more quickly if it did.
Did u try the low hormone or just the copper coil? Implant can cause longer bleeds in some women but in 80% settles down by month 6.

Expat why is it misogeny to advocate for men to have sterilisation rather than women?! The interuterine contraception and implants are far more straightforward, less painful, less risky. Private sector is motivated by profit.

Because the man has refused to get one! This one will never consent to that. When women tell you this, do you not believe them? When they tell you they have researched female sterilisation or listen to you outline the risks and then come back and say, 'Yes, it's for me. I've taken in the information about the other methods and this is the one that's for me,' do you not believe them? Do you not believe that a grown woman with 4 kids knows what is best for herself and her body? That she is capable of assimilating knowledge, assessing risks and making an informed decision about what best suits her contraceptive health and life? The private sector sadly often takes up the slack for HCPs who just won't entertain any other point of view but their own, and that doesn't just happen in women's health.

I'd have a chat with Women's Aid, OP. You're starting to question him, his motives and treatment of you, which is good for you (and the kids) but he will notice that you are not, after all, totally under his control. He's trying to put you back in your place by stropping off to a hotel, but when that doesn't work, his attempts at coercion might get more unpleasant. You may have to tread carefully over the next few weeks, but there is help and support out there.
Do you have family/close friends nearby? What is their attitude towards your H? What you really don't need is superstitious, woman-hating tossers telling you your duty is to obey him and be his breeding animal. Though I wouldn't be entirely surprised to hear that he has cut you off from friends and family, either by convincing you that 'we only need each other' or by hostility towards them.

Expat - there is no difference in reported hormonal side effects in copper (non hormonal) versus low dose hormonal coil. There are several progestegen pills. The methods work differently and progestegen in one form may suit one woman and another form may suit another. Promoting female sterilisation no questions asked and thinking safer contraception alternatives are misogynistic is illogical

OP has he ever talked you into sex when you dont want it in the past.

I wouldnt put it past this bastard to rip the condom off during sex or put pinpricks in condoms or even attempt to rape you I expect to get flamed for saying this but i dont care.

He wants you to keep having kid after kid Will he also expect a sixth kid a seventh a tenth.

Yeah, yeah, all the legion of threads on here from women suffering horrendous side effects from the Mirena are just lying, this is why they are fobbed off for months or years.

NO ONE is promoting female sterilisation no questions asked, just you telling the OP even if she asks for a referral for it, she will get nowhere. That smacks of telling women they don't know what's best for them and that, I'm afraid, is a form of misogyny indeed.

V. true, Helena, hence why he's reacted the way he has to her decision.

YY expat The Mini Pill was hell. i was terribly bloated on it.

Blueink, it is all very well, but the OP has tried hormonal contraception and had bad side effects. Same here, progestogen may be wonderful, but if it reduces your quality of life by inducing depressive moods, rapid weight gain, palpitations etc. etc. it is not that great after all, is it? I can understand OP, as I have tried several HC methods and they all made me feel utter rubbish.

Wrt coil, I know several people in rl who conceived with coil in place. Mine just did not sit where they were supposed to sit and kept trying to expel themselves. I didn't appreciate the discovery my coil was half hanging out at 3 month check having had unprotected sex all that time. So in my experience, there is no such thing as a great contraceptive.

Ideally, op's DH would step up to the plate, but this is a case of reproductive coercion and he is not gonna do that in a million years. It is a brilliant way to control op and ensure she's got no life.

Op, sort something for yourself temporarily and I would plan my escape if I were you.

I think whoever is adamant that they don't want any more children should be the one to get sterilised.

There are risks associated with both male and female sterilization and it's down to the individual to do their research and make an informed decision.
A woman can get sterilized via keyhole surgery and be home the same day - it's not the big operation it used to be.

It took me three years of fighting to finally get sterilized I fell pregnant with my third while using the copper coil which I was using as anything hormone based sent me insane to the point I was suicidal. I was 29 when I had it done and had to go through questions about "what if all your children die and what if you start a new relationship" but I was adamant and still am that I never want anymore children. After much fighting begging and pleading they let me have one. The day I came out from my operation the Dr called to say it had been declined again. She seemed a bit shocked when I told her I had just had it done.

So what I'm trying to say is it's not as easy as just walking into the Dr's and saying I want this done. It is classed as irreversible as it's very unlikely the nhs would reverse it.

Blueink what you are missing in all that is that all those contraceptive methods are fallible. I didn't want or need to be "talked into" alternate methods. I wanted to be sterilised as other than abstinence it was the only failsafe method available. If I could have had a total hysterectomy to make it even more effective, I would have done.

I have known of people who have got pregnant on every method of contraception there is. I have never known of anyone who has got pregnant after the kind of tubal ligation (clip and cauterisation and removal of a section of tube) that I had. Whilst I'm sure it has happened, that would be to do with errors in the procedure.

expatinscotland thank you for your posts on this. You are saving me a lot of typing.

I love my coil.

womblingthree couldn't have said it better myself I used to wake up screaming after dreams of a positive test. I just wanted it all cut out. I'm so glad I managed to talk the Dr's round. It's not right that woman can't decide what is right for them.

People now even tell me that I will regret it one day.