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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not a baby machine and DH should get the snip?

263 replies

foxyface · 17/09/2017 13:32

DC4 is 9mo and I've said from when I found out I was pregnant with him that this is absolutely our last child, because I know DH would really like to have about 6. I've also just been taken off the pill by my doctor since I was having too many severe side effects.

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child! We kind of had a small argument about it that ended with me telling him I think he should get a vasectomy.

He's been fine with me today and though I know I went about it the wrong way, I was being serious. I'm not a baby making machine, and for 17 years our birth control has been up to me. I feel like its his turn. AIBU?

OP posts:
clarkl2 · 18/09/2017 18:18

Your body. You decide whether you want another pregnancy. If he won't get the snip, sort it out your end and go for a tubal ligation. Its a day case and quick recovery. Job done.

Sallystyle · 18/09/2017 18:27

I have only conceived when we both wanted a baby.

No pill, no hormones, no coil.

Well, tell us the secret then.

I conceived with the coil in place and it was where it was meant to be. I also conceived on the pill and yes, I did take it properly. Both extremely unlikely to happen but it happened to me. DH had the snip and so far so good.

If I was the OP I would personally be a bit upset that he won't go through with it. I wouldn't particularly like the idea of my husband wanting to keep his options open incase we divorce. However, it is his body and clearly his choice. It's the OP's choice whether or not she wants to have sex with him or risk using condoms.

She would be perfectly in her rights to say that the options are a vasectomy or no sex if the other forms of BC just don't work for her. It might not do her marriage much good but her husband gets the option of not having the op and OP gets the option of saying she doesn't want to use BC and therefore will stop having intercourse.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/09/2017 18:39

She would be perfectly in her rights to say that the options are a vasectomy or no sex if the other forms of BC just don't work for her.

She has no right to demand that someone do something to there body that they don't want to.

She does have the right to say no sex.

Sallystyle · 18/09/2017 18:43

She has no right to demand that someone do something to there body that they don't want to.

She does have the right to say no sex.

Yes, that is what I said.

streetface · 18/09/2017 18:47

Well it's not permanent if it can be reversed is it! In fact, the main guy that does it in the U.K. Has a 70% success rate. Nevertheless, the NHS says treat it as permanent because they won't pay and there are risks.

happy2bhomely · 18/09/2017 18:47

We both said no more dc after dc4.

I couldn't take hormonal contraception for health reasons. DH said he would think about a vasectomy and we would use condoms.

2 years later and I was pregnant with dc5. We seriously considered termination but I just couldn't do it. DH was not happy. We had our lovely dc5.

I said that I wasn't willing to be sterilised. DH was not willing to have a vasectomy. I didn't want to risk another pregnancy and DH was adamant that he never wanted any more dc, so we didn't have PIV for over 2 years.

Eventually, DH decided that he would have a vasectomy after all.

The only way to guarantee you don't get pregnant is to abstain.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 18:51

'Well it's not permanent if it can be reversed is it! In fact, the main guy that does it in the U.K. Has a 70% success rate. Nevertheless, the NHS says treat it as permanent because they won't pay and there are risks.'

It cannot be reversed in all cases! Or the reversal fails to restore fertility. That is a known fact and that is why the NHS advises patients who wish to undergo sterilisation that it is permanent because it cannot always be reversed and even when it can fertility is not always restored, nothing to do with risks from the procedure or payment. It is a permanent form of contraception and should always be treated as such.

streetface · 18/09/2017 18:53

I think we are disagreeing on 'permanent' here. Permanent to me is having your womb removed, no way back. Zero chance. That kind of thing.

Happyperson123 · 18/09/2017 18:54

There are definitely less complications for a man to have a vasectomy. But if he doesn't want one I suppose you could get sterilised. I do think you should have a serious discussion with him though.

It's not fair for you to have to take hormones or have the coil (I've had that and it can be painful).

Sit him down and say how it's making you feel. Good luck.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 18:56

'I think we are disagreeing on 'permanent' here. Permanent to me is having your womb removed, no way back. Zero chance. That kind of thing.'

Um, street, sterilisation procedures cannot always be reversed and even if they can fertility is not always restored, hence, why the NHS and the medical establishment consider sterilisation permanent contraception. They do not consider people's personal opinions because of these two facts.

streetface · 18/09/2017 19:01

Errm why are you getting all shitty? I was sterilised. I, like many other women had it reversed. Therefore it is not permanent. Fact. It should be treated as permanent for the reasons you mentioned but the NHS now uses clips instead of cauterising or tying as these are less damaging and make it more easy to reverse. If an operation has been reveresed many times then it is not permanent is it?

Having a hysterectomy, THATS permanent.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 19:07

'Errm why are you getting all shitty? I was sterilised. I, like many other women had it reversed. Therefore it is not permanent. Fact.'

I'm not. You were lucky, you were in the 70% for whom it is able to be reversed and fertility was restored. It is a permanent form of contraception, vasectomies in particular can be much harder and/or impossible to reverse. Since reversal is not always possible or effective, and if the person does not have a surgical reversal procedure their fertility is usually ended forever, sterilisation is a permanent procedure. It's not that hard to understand. Hmm But hey . . . carry on banging on Confused.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 19:09

Even a hysterectomy is not necessarily a permanent cause of infertility if you use a surrogate. And it's not used as a permanent form of contraception. Sterilisation is a permanent form of contraception.

streetface · 18/09/2017 19:10

Ok carry on being rude.

I'm sure other posters can understand where I'm coming from without getting their knickers in a twist.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 19:12

Stating fact is not rude, but hey, you're entitled to your opinion. My knickers are not in a twist but if it makes you feel better to think they are, then have at it.

FaveNumberIs2 · 18/09/2017 19:13

If YOU don't want any more children, why should he have a vasectomy?

Why don't YOU get your tubes tied??

streetface · 18/09/2017 19:14

'Banging on' rude. No need at all for the attitude and the silly faces.

sandelf · 18/09/2017 19:18

YANBU - But have you checked out LARC - long acting reversible contraception - might be an answer for you.

FaveNumberIs2 · 18/09/2017 19:18

@expatinscotland it's considered permanent (tubes tied and vasectomy) because a reversal is not available on the NHS. You'd have to go private and pay. And even then, nothing is guaranteed to work, especially if the original op was done a long time ago.

Also, tubes (both male and female) are not always just snipped and tied, some ops call for having a section of tube removed before tying back, so even if you were to have the tubes untied, there might not be enough tube for them to meet back up.

HelenaDove · 18/09/2017 19:25

Fave Number It IS up to the person who doesnt want any more to get the sterilisation yes i agree........but there is more to this. Why does the OPs DH want more kids when he doesnt even do any of the work that goes into caring for the ones hes got.

If the OP manages to book herself in for a sterilization i can quite see him refusing to do any childcare/parent his own children so she cant go in.

This is also EXACTLY the kind of man that will commit reproductive coercion.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 19:26

You are entitled to your opinion, street. It's considered permanent because reversal is not always possible and even when it is it does not always restore fertility, and because if a person does not seek out a surgical reversal procedure, his/her fertility is (bar an astronomically slim chance) permanently ended. For these facts, surgical sterilisation should be undertaken with the belief that, if you change your mind, you just have a reversal and your fertility is restored because that is patently untrue for a significant percentage of those who undergo reversal procedure.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 19:27

'If the OP manages to book herself in for a sterilization i can quite see him refusing to do any childcare/parent his own children so she cant go in.'

Or recover from it. Some people take longer to recover and/or have to have a more invasive procedure so need longer to recover. Can't see a man who doesn't look after the 4 he's already got and who pressures his wife to have more stepping up to the plate and supporting her recovery from sterilisation.

stardust18 · 18/09/2017 19:28

I've just had my 2nd and she's 6 month old.
My husband had the snip 6 weeks ago he moaned it might hurt to which my reply was I don't care so did giving birth

streetface · 18/09/2017 19:30

Yes I know and I didn't disagree with any of that. I clearly stated it should be considered permanent. I also shared my story with the OP about the ectopic that nearly killed me and said how risky it was.

I just thought (god knows why now) That I had it reversed and therefore it's not always 'permanent' I also tried to explain what I meant by that as in 'some things like having your womb removed is even more permanent'

But somehow it's turned nasty and I think it's gone a bit off topic now because I don't think OP should consider it anyway because all the risks involved.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/09/2017 19:32

You're not being unreasonable to ask him, nor to tell him you won't have sex with him unless he does. I wouldn't risk condoms, not if you have years of fertility left, they just aren't effective enough. If he was reluctant to have the snip I might go back to the doctor and be more demanding of sterilization (I seems bizarre you were booked in for one but, after a fourth child you're told "no" because you might want more kids, I suspect you could get a very different answer from a different Dr.). But If I'd been taking the brunt of contraceptive efforts for years, I would probably be quite resentful about it and somewhat inclined to go for divorce, either instead of or as well.