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Original poster

SDs dressing inappropriately

421 replies

Winosaurus · 16/09/2017 12:41

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

  1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
  2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
  3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.
I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?
OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 16/09/2017 13:30

Edmund - paedophiles are attracted to children, they like everything a child wears. You're deluded to think that by not allowing them to wear a particular thing you're protecting them.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/09/2017 13:31

Natalia thank you for putting my feelings so eloquently into words. You are so right

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 16/09/2017 13:32

Op i get what you mean.They are not emotionally mature for the fall out.
Who in their right mind would want their young kids going around like a mini adult.Nobody.

The parents have to act now,before the kids get in to a situation where they have no idea to get out of.

And of course 12 year olds are unsupervised sometimes.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/09/2017 13:32

sleepymama I actually posted earlier that what they wear is inappropriate for the weather too. They must be freezing

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 13:33

sleepymama81 I was thinking that too. It's been pissing it down all day here! Grin

existentialmoment · 16/09/2017 13:33

Edmund - paedophiles are attracted to children, they like everything a child wears. You're deluded to think that by not allowing them to wear a particular thing you're protecting them

You're protecting them in a completely different way. It's not deluded at all, you clearly haven't the first clue about it.

EdmundCleverClogs · 16/09/2017 13:33

TheSparrowhawk you're missing the point, of course pedophiles are attracted to children regardless. It's about minimising drawing attention to a child. Especially at 11/12 where that child will be unsupervised at times.

emmyrose2000 · 16/09/2017 13:34

YANBU, OP.

There is zero need for an eight year old to wear make up. I can't really think of a good reason for as 12 year old to wear it full time either. Children with full faces of make up look simply awful.

The clothes you describe sound revolting. I wouldn't let any female child in my care dress like that. I'd tell DH that I'm not going out with the girls if they're going to continue dressing like this. He needs to step up and be a parent to these children, as it's clear their mother isn't interested.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/09/2017 13:35

We caught 12yo up the park with a group of boys 16-18 a few weeks back.
The sexual issue aside I think this lack of boundaries for the girls will still start creeping into issues with drinking and smoking too.
If she looks older then older teens may start offering booze and cigarettes most teens do this but not at 12 - it's far too young

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 13:36

You're deluded to think that by not allowing them to wear a particular thing you're protecting them

So in your warped view, eight year and twelve year olds should be allowed to walk round with their arses hanging out their shorts, see through tops and a face fill of make up. That's what you wish to see, and the rest of us are just victim blaming for not dressing our kids like this?

Should we give them some sexy underwear too, some high heels, send them out like that?

CosyFires · 16/09/2017 13:36

Some of the replies on here are fucking hilarious. No clothes don't cause assault but how many of you actually don't believe clothing can be inappropriate? How many of you would be happy for your 12 year old DD to wear a thong, mini skirt and crop top? Not a fucking lot of you that's for sure

Ummmmgogo · 16/09/2017 13:36

I think op is mainly bothered about the embarrassment factor tbh. the mum and dad don't have a priblem; the girls think they look good, but random supermarket customers might think that op paid money for non Boden type clothes. why can't you just tell them to put their coats on when it's cold?

troodiedoo · 16/09/2017 13:37

Clothes attract attention, the wrong clothes will attract the wrong attention. What OP describes would be fine for a disco with their peers but not daywear.

rookiemere · 16/09/2017 13:37

Very good post Natalia.

Unfortunately as the DM is the one allowing this to happen - if not encouraging as make up and manicures cost money - then if the DF lays down the law then I suspect she'd take great pleasure in flouting it and make things even worse.

Doglikeafox · 16/09/2017 13:37

I'm sorry but when you are 12 years old yes clothes DO put you in danger. If other adults think that you look and appear much older than you actually are then that ENDANGERS you. It doesn't necessarily put you at fault if anything were to happen but it is misleading. I say this as someone who always looked a lot older as a child. I had a fling with someone when I was 13 who was 19. I had lied to him about my age (said I was 16) and he was non the wiser. It didn't happen more than once and to my knowledge the man still has no idea how old I was but my point is that I was in danger because my parents had allowed me to go out dressed older, by myself when obviously I couldn't actually be trusted.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2017 13:38

Have you asked your dp why is she being allowed to wear these clothes and go off and hang out with much older boys?

Ummmmgogo · 16/09/2017 13:39

when I was a teen it was generally the girls with low self esteem and/or a troubled home life that became sexual active early. men can pick up on that. also these classmates got chatted up in their school uniforms and jeans. I think they gave off some sort of vulnerable vibe tbh

TheFirstMrsDV · 16/09/2017 13:39

People are so keen to trot out the 'right line' they are missing the point. Try and remember this thread is not about you.

Clothes do not cause rape.
Dressing inappropriately can be indicative of a lack of guidance and supervision.
We know that peadophiles like children regardless of their attire.

We also know that young boys are inexperienced and many lack proper guidance. They are not evil sex offenders. They may well see a 12 year old dressed in the way described and assume she is 15/16/17.
This can lead to a whole heap of trouble for everyone involved.
Because we are talking about children. Not adults who should know better.

Aside from all that stuff I wouldn't want to walk down the street with a child dressed in that manner. I would be embarrassed. Same as i would if a child I was with was wearing a Nick Griffin teeshirt or A swastika tattoo fgs.

Girls should have a childhood. Experimenting with clothes and makeup may be part of that. Trussing up like a lycra clad chicken is NOT part of childhood. Those clothes, that makeup and all that goes with it are limiting and restricting.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 13:39

but random supermarket customers might think that op paid money for non Boden type clothes

Yes, she's just being snobby because they aren't Boden. Hmm

dustarr73 · 16/09/2017 13:42

Plus it says a lot about the parents when the only one bothered is the sm.They sound very laissez faire in their attitude.

No one is victim blaming but dressing older than you are will get you interest in boys and men who are older.And at 8 and 12 they havent got teh maturity to handle the fallout.

CosyFires · 16/09/2017 13:45

Actually, I do believe that what clothes a person wears can increase their chances of being attacked. From what I've gathered from numerous articles and TV documentaries, rapists who attack strangers are more likely to attack a girl wearing a skirt than trousers (easier access), long hair than short hair (something to grab) and someone distracted (head in phone or earphones).

notacooldad · 16/09/2017 13:48

Full face of make up on an 8yo you say?

Never seen that before. Ever.
I have. I work in children's residential. I see it on a regular basis and the behaviors around the children that young that do this are grim and upsetting.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2017 13:50

Why doesn't their father do something about it?

Branleuse · 16/09/2017 13:50

Can you not say "youre not going out dressed like that"?

AbsentmindedWoman · 16/09/2017 13:50

"If you and your partner are not happy with how the girls are dressing, address it as parents, but don't kid yourself that you are doing it for any other reason than the fact that you believe that some women invite sexual assault by the way they dress and behave - which is basically what you've said here."

This is ridiculous and unfair.

I am a staunch feminist. It is NEVER the fault of the victim. Nobody, especially a child, invites rape or assault. Even if they're buck naked at a party/ drunk out of their skull/ give in through coercion because they are scared - it is ALWAYS THE RAPIST'S FAULT. Sorry for shouting that, but just so we're clear. It is never, ever the victim's fault.

Holding this in mind, I still am of the opinion that it is not a feminist choice to bring up children to normalise emulating grown women wearing certain clothes to be 'sexy'. In a similar vein I also hate those kid's t-shirts with gross slogans on, and I hate folks who refer to their kid as a 'sexy lil man' etc. Puke.

Leaving out the issue of assault from predators, I massively object to anything that serves to draw children's attention to their sexuality before they are emotionally mature enough to deal with it, before they are ready for the complexities of expressing sexuality in a healthy way. So in the same way, I don't think it's appropriate to let kids watch certain films, or hear adults talk about certain things.

I'd be less concerned if this was something the kids were experimenting with along with other styles, different outfit styles and make up, in a creative sort of way. Especially as teenagers, because experimenting with sexuality and playing with how to express that is totally normal.