SDs dressing inappropriately

[Winosaurus]

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.

I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?

Thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful replies xx

I think that it is important to teach children how to dress appropriately for age, weather and occasion. Of course YANBU OP.

Jeez louise. Honestly I wouldn't have wanted DD to dress like that at 12 or 8. I'm surprised so many women here would like their daughters dressed like that and presumably are going out and buying them such items.

And I'm one of those awful liberal parents who was tolerant of fashio clothing and make up - just not to that extent. I think there's more to being a girl or woman than over dressing in sexy clothes and make up.

I can see its tough being a step mum in this situation and I'm surprised that their Dad isn't more concerned. As above I'd suggest other ways to be strong and successful and find other role models than Kardashians and TOWIE to inspire alternative aspirations. But its probably beyond your control and up to their Mum what she buys them to wear.

Yes I think clothes do potentionally put you in danger! You give the wrong impression and some men are quick to jump on that and see you as a target. Why else are you flaunting your body at 8 & 12?! I would be having words with their mother. I honestly don't see why women put their children on a plate like that

I think people are confusing "these clothes put the girls in danger" with "these girls mean the girls are at fault". They're not at fault if they receive unwanted attention, or worse, but they are in danger because of the clothes.

Some evidence that girls with no father get mature early (something to do with hormones) their dad needs to step up and tell them when they look lovely and when they need to cover up a bit. Explain why he wants to protect his precious child and not let her be vulnerable to creeps, don't give message that no one cares.
Example from real life, a friend wore skirt, not too short, not too flashy, repeatedly got groped on tube going to work. Now wears trousers, it never happens any more. Sad but true.
Friend and I walked home in swimsuit, lots of unwanted attention which we weren't getting at pool.
If I leave my purse on the table I'm not surprised if it gets stolen, not my fault, the thief is guilty, but I should have protected it more.
We should all be able to walk about stark naked, pissed as rats. Drunk men also get assaulted, robbed and beaten because they haven't got their wits about them. The world is not a nice safe place.

Why would anyone think that a full face of make up for a 8 year old is ok ?? They are CHILDREN !! I don't know any one that would think it's ok for a 12 yr old to dress like a 16 year old regardless of how it's makes them vulnerable. Some of the posts are quite worrying ! She's simply saying dressing a child like a mini adult can put them in situations they would have trouble getting out of potentially putting them selves at risk , that's why you have parents.

OP, I think you sound like a wonderful caring step mother. Everything you're saying very clearly comes from care concern and love for all 3 girls, your daughter included. I only wish that my SM had any care in her body and gave any shot about us as kids. They're lucky to have you. Fuck these ridiculous, thoughtless, pathetic and bonkers judgemental comments you've had. You are without doubt 100% right and surely we all know that?

Probably no help but can you just lay down th law with your DH? Tell him it doesn't work for you and he needs to sort it out? Or something??

Ignore the other idiotic and mindless comments you've been getting on here and carry on caring as much as you do!

• shit not shot!

I can't believe some of the ludicrous replies here! Dressing like that makes children look much older than they are, and attracts unwanted attention, fact. If this is their mode of dress at such a tender age, I can't begin to imagine what it will progress to!

My student daughters aged 20 and 18 wouldn't go out wearing such skimpy clothes, and they weren't allowed to wear makeup outside the house until they were 13/14.

I totally agree with you Op! I do not let daughters dress like that,I think they are far to young to be going out and about in shorts showing off bits of their bum cheeks !

Why is your issue with the clothing of the girls not the predatory men and boys who are happy to rape young girls? What's putting young girls at risk is the same as what puts older girls and women at risk: violent men and boys.

I take your point - to a point - in that no clothing can ever be an excuse for sexual violence. But I do think you conflate several points here.

1. Why is the issue with the clothes and not the predatory men? It isn't one or the other. It's a bit like criticising neighbourhood watch on the grounds that the police should be focusing on stopping and catching burglars. Nobody should break into your home and steal your property. It's illegal. But if you go out and leave your doors and windows open then you are a more obvious target for a passing criminal than the person with a barbed wire fence, high tech alarm system and a Rottweiler in the garden. It's not illogical simultaneously to try to reduce the incidence of crime and to reduce your own personal probability of being the target of that crime.

1. Should we take issue with predatory men who prey on young girls? Absolutely we should. But it's naive to say "clothes are just clothes". We make a statement by what we wear, precisely because we have chosen it. Even if that choice is just to blend in with the crowd. If you wear clothes which reveal large swathes of flesh, then men will notice that and look at you. They shouldn't harrass you, I agree. But to say that they shouldn't look is to deny biology. Men are programmed by evolution to look at women and be attracted by women's bodies. If you wear very revealing clothes then you cannot expect that men will not notice. Is this any excuse for rape or sexual violence? Absolutely not. But I think that's an entirely different point. You are deliberately choosing to reveal your body in clothes that society regards as "sexy", therefore people will look at it and assume that you are hoping for attention of a sexual nature. Because - put another way, why do it otherwise? These clothes aren't comfortable or practical by any stretch of the imagination.

1. Clothes make a statement. If you see me dressed in a ball gown, then you would not assume that I was going to Waitrose. If I go to a job interview in my pyjamas, the interviewer may infer from that that I have not taken the process very seriously. If, as I said earlier, I turn up to my friend's wedding in my tracksuit, she may infer from that that I couldn't be bothered to make an effort for her special day. If I go out revealing my breasts and buttocks, people may infer from that that I am seeking male attention. All these inferences may be wrong, of course. But that doesn't mean people won't make them.

1. I am an adult, therefore can be reasonably expected to know what inferences people may draw from the choice of clothes I make. That choice is therefore an informed one. Can a child of 12 - of 8? - be expected to know this? I don't think so. I have an 8 year old and I have to guide her choice of clothing, albeit (thankfully) along the lines of "that's a lovely summer dress but it's really quite cold today, so don't you think some leggings and a jumper might be better?". Guiding her choices is part of being a good parent - and this is all I see the OP trying to be.

It's not necessarily a misogynistic point, either. We all send out signals to others by the choices we make. The young guy in the tight T-shirt? He probably wants women to admire his muscles and physical prowess. The middle aged bloke in the sports car? He probably wants women to think he's successful and a "catch". Maybe not, but he sure as hell hasn't chosen it for its fuel economy or because it's cheap to insure. Maybe he just likes driving a Ferrari? Fair enough and all power to his elbow. But if he doesn't realise that that choice comes with attached connotations and that there'll be mutterings of "penis extension" and the like, then he's rather naive....

Agree 100% with Natalia

Wildly applauding Natalia.

Wish I'd said that.

My DD is only 1 so I don't have much experience yet. But, I would hate for her to dress like that at 8 or 12. But, contrary to some of the previous posts, not because I'd be worried she'd attract men or older boys, or that horrendous things would happen (I agree clothes don't cause assaults). But I'd not like it because I think it's tacky, it's ok if it's showing off skin but in a child like way, but when children wear clearly adult clothing (and we all sensibly know what that is) - it looks wrong, I judge, I can't help it, it looks tacky and I think the child would end up caring too much about what they look like which I know personally is soul destroying.

I can't quite word why I don't like it though. . .

fab post Natalia

I'm stunned by some of these comments.

To those giving the very clearly Not Unreasonable OP a hard time I suggest playing a little game. Let's pretend OP is not concerned about her DSDs but her own DDs. Her ExH and his new partner allow OPs DDs, 12 and 8 to dress the way OP described.

Your responses would have been the same? Really?

If dressing with "cheeks" hanging out at 8 and 12 and with full makeup what are they going to be doing when 16. Think DO should agree with you And both of you address this together. What have these girls got to look forward to by way of dressing up when older. They may also be setting themselves up for a bit of a reputation. No good saying clothes don't cause problems because they do e.g. jealousy, expectations of others.

Good post Natalia

Just to clarify it's my DPs kids - my SDs. Not my ExH's NW allowing the kids to. It's DPs ex partner - my lovely SD's mum xx

They are not your children so you need to mind your business to be frank. Would I want my children dressing like this? No! But, these are not your children. They have a dm and a df. You are not their parent so you need to back off and keep your opinions to yourself. I doubt their dm wants another women's opinion on how she dresses her children and your dh doesn't seem to care. So you need to stfu.

Couldn't agree less

I would say that you should let them wear what they want, little girls and young girls always like to experiment with cloths, my 9 year old grand daughter just loves short shorts & crop tops, of course I would love her to wear a pretty prom dress it's not going to happen!! I do but my foot down about the makeup thow!! I just tell her she is far to pretty to wear all that war paint, just a little lip gross is all that needed for a pretty face, leave the war paint to your old like me. To make her fill more grown up we bought simply sensitive skin cleanser, toner, and moisturising lotion, which will get her into a good skin care routine.

I dunno. I see both sides.

It's not even merely two sides, it's two different issues:

One is about whether the way someone dresses permits/excuses/mitigates someone else's bad behaviour.
The other is about whether someone's behaviour (including the way someone dresses) puts them more or less at risk from something unpleasant happening to them, even if that something isn't their fault.

Rational people shouldn't have any trouble seeing the the answer to the first question is "absolutely not, never" and the answer to the second is "it definitely can be (and a responsible adult would draw that fact to the attention of a child)".

There's no excuse for running someone over on a zebra crossing, but you would still tell people to look both ways before stepping out onto it.

There would be no point at all having a whole bunch of social and legal restrictions on the age children can do things at (or have done to them) if we then shrugged when they attempt to subvert those rules/conventions by pretending to be older than they are.

Also OP might just want those SDs to have a bit more self respect. Letting it all hang out is rarely beautiful... a confident girl/woman on the other hand...