SDs dressing inappropriately

[Winosaurus]

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.

I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?

'She is not old enough to consent to anything but what if they think she is because that is how she's allowed to present herself'

So what if they do OP? They still have no right to touch her or do anything with her. They have voices, they can ask her how old she is. A normal person doesn't just look at another person's clothes and grab them - that's the action of a sexual offender.

I think this is one of the situations, where it may be prudent to show your dp the thread.

OP the posters screaming 'victim blamer' at you wouldn't let their own 8/12yo girls walk around with a full face of make-up, hot pants and false nails, it's just common sense.

Who wants their very young daughter to be attracting the attention of 16yo boys

And of cause 12yos leave the house without their parents. Such ridiculous comments.

she is not old enough to consent but what if they think she is

Well just taking that bit apart, thanks to the statutory rape offence that will never stand up in court.

You can look older without wearing short clothes and makeup. DD is taller than me, damn my shortarse genes, as a consequence she looks 15/16 not the young Yr7 she actually is.

'By attracting attention of 16-18 year old guys that will invite her to house parties thinking she is 16???'

They can invite her all they like. Surely her mother would know where she is?? If she's unsupervised that's a completely different issue.

I'm sorry but I think a lot of you are deluded. Political correctness aside... don't you remember being a teenager? Without a doubt the girls who got the attention of the boys were the ones who wore revealing clothes and they also ended up being sexually active very young.
I don't want that for my SDs, I want them to enjoy their childhoods.
There's plenty of time for them to dress how they want and reveal their bodies if they want... but when they're emotionally equipped to deal with the attention it gets.
Not at 12 and 8 years old

I think there's also a nice big dose of seeing these clothes as being for sluts and sluts are worthless. It's a child with make up OP.

It's sexualising a child. Wearing makeup and false nails is a child trying to be an adult but looking completely innapppropriate.

I can't believe any good parent would be ok with their child wandering around anywhere but beach/pool with their arse cheeks hanging out. If you wait a month and repost as their auntie/ your nieces you'll get a lot of different replies.

I wouldn't let my dds of a similar age wear these clothes and make up. Nothing to do with a fear of "what might happen" or attention it might attract. I don't think it would put them in danger personally but I do think it's completely age-inappropriate.

Luckily I'm not a stepmum as they appear not to be allowed an opinion on anything.

I'd be cool with my daughter wearing whatever she wants, I'd not be cool with other people slut shaming her because of it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

What a lot of hyperbole on this thread. No, clothes don't put you in danger (stupid comment really), but there is a time and place for wearing revealing clothing and old make-up and that's not when you're 12 or 8.

Why the disparaging and bandwagon-jumping remarks to the OP? Would you like it if your own child(ren) were to wear clothes like this? I wouldn't and I wouldn't be blithely letting them go out like that either.
THIS

So you think the 8 year old may be sexual active?? That's a different issue.

The comments on here are so frustrating!!! No one is arguing that rape, sexual assault etc is entirely the fault of the perpetrator. BUT! It's a sad fact that we live in a world where there are bad people with bad intentions and we have to minimise the chances of becoming a victim. Ie when a woman is attacked late at night walking alone drunk. Does that make it her fault - NO! BUT, we have choices every day that we can make to protect ourselves and our children and reduce the chances of being the victim of an attack because the sad reality is that it could happen to any of us at any time. That is not victim blaming, it's accepting the reality of the world we live in and taking steps to protect ourselves. It actually scares me that so many people on here have no issue with the sexualisation of underage girls. Yes, the principle is correct that women and girls should be able to do what they like and dress how they like but it's ridiculous and obtuse to refuse to acknowledge the context of the world we live in.

Actually re-reading the OP the question from the OP is what can she do to make her DP aware of the issue - or as quoted "to see it objectively".

Well the DP is kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. He could lay down the law when the DSDs are with him and insist that they cover themselves up, and try and teach them about respecting their own bodies etc.etc., but it's a dreadfully complicated message unless you go down the draconian route. Then if it's not getting reinforced at the other end, and in fact they're getting the opposite message, the likelihood is that they may not be so keen to visit fuddy- duddy old DF and his uptight partner.

Maybe the best option is to teach them lots about dangers of posting to people you don't know online and ensure that you are safe in real life. Unfortunately paedophiles are attracted to underage DCs presumably no matter how they dress or act, so the best thing is to try to make sure they're talking to their parents and you and not putting themselves in harms way.

Very tricky one.

I'd not be cool with other people slut shaming her because of it

Omg, they are eight and twelve. Slut shaming???? What are you even writing????

I don't like seeing young girls dressed in an 'adult' way, e.g. full makeup and eye-wateringly short shorts.

No, clothes don't cause rape but I still feel uneasy about little girls dressed like grow women.

I know this picture was done as part of a Vogue shoot but I hate it

(Thylane Blondeau, aged 10)

A world where children are assaulted and raped and adults stand by thinking 'the clothes caused that' It's not just warped, it's idiotic

That is SO NOT THE FUCKING POINT.

Are people really this dense? NOBODY thinks the clothes caused it. This is not a "drunk women in short skirts are asking for it" thing (which is equally offensive and idiotic).

NOBODY is saying its the clothes fault if anything happens to them, or that it's ok because they were wearing those clothes.

For the immensely hard of thinking here: children in clothes that sexualise them are BAD for any number of reasons. Stop focusing on one point especially when you haven't even understood that one.

Honestly, this fucking place sometimes. You're so busy falling over yourselves to say the right phrase you forget there is an actual child being failed by the adults in their life and walking around the streets with her bottom on show in full make up, spray tan and false nails.

FFS to the posters saying 'but surely she is never unsupervised'! By the logic no child would ever be abused or bullied or drink/smoke underage.

Unfortunately paedophiles are attracted to underage DCs presumably no matter how they dress or act, so the best thing is to try to make sure they're talking to their parents and you and not putting themselves in harms way.

This

Underneath all the hand wringing is the attitude that girls and women who 'sexualise' themselves are asking for assault/rape.

Girls and women should never be blamed for being assaulted. However, these are very young girls and the fact is that most pedophiles don't prey on the very young because of 'the patriarchy' or feminist issues in our society. They do so because they are very mentally unwell, and try to justify their attacks in any way possible. It's an adult's duty to try protect children from the attentions of such people, and yes that means stopping them dressing like people twice their age. Predators don't care for the rules of society, their minds don't work that way.

wingsofnylon the 12 to is unsupervised quite a bit. Like most kids her age she's allowed to go to town with her friends and go over to friends houses and hang around the park etc. That's fine for her age, dressing that way whilst being unsupervised isn't

*FFS to the posters saying 'but surely she is never unsupervised'! By the logic no child would ever be abused or bullied or drink/smoke underage.
*

Also this. What sort of helicopter parents are here that a TWELVE year old is never out of their sight? WT actual F? At 12 I was hanging with my friends, going round town alone and getting a bloody train to school. Never unsupervised....hilarious.

Oh and OP, stop pussyfooting around your OH/ and tell him straight: that he is being a terrible father to let them wear such stuff, and buy them some less revolting clothes to wear while with you.

One of the most trotted out lines on MN is "we don't make choices in a vacuum". And it is largely true and, I think, applies just as much to the choice of clothes that we make as to anything else.

We choose what we wear. We are therefore, even if subconsciously, making a statement to others by that choice. Let's take a totally different example. If I were going to a wedding, I'd wear something smart and dressy because I'm signifying that it's a formal occasion. If I turned up in jeans and a tshirt, then that would probably cause others to think that I couldn't be bothered/lacked consideration for the bride and groom/hasn't shown due respect for the occasion. They may be wrong of course. The jeans are just clothes and logically have no bearing whatsoever on my feelings for the happy couple. But social mores suggest that isn't appropriate. I know this; therefore to break with convention is to make a statement. It should therefore be one I am comfortable to make.

I think the same is true of revealing clothing. I may enjoy wearing it, but I am foolish not to realise that doing so will result in men looking at me in a sexual fashion. Does that cause them to assault me? It does not. Is it provocation to assault me? Absolutely not. But if I am revealing large parts of my breasts and buttocks, then a) men will look and b) social mores are such that this may well be interpreted by others as inviting sexual attention. I am clearly entitled to wear it if I choose to do so, but I'd be a bit ridiculous not to realise that others would interpret my doing so in a particular way.

The problem with very young girls, I think, is that they can't necessarily be expected to understand all the nuances and norms and therefore make a properly informed choice about what they are wearing and how that fits into a pattern of social norms. A grown woman chooses to flout those norms by wearing very revealing clothing? I have no problem with that. Entirely her decision and entirely up to her. But a young child/teen won't necessarily understand.

At the risk of sounding like a proper ancient crone, are they not cold dressed like that? We hardly live somewhere warm do we, it's chilly today! Even inside I'm wearing skinny jeans, a cami, and a long sleeve tunic/dress. And I was just thinking of getting a cardi.

Op I wouldn't like it either. It's inappropriate for an 8 year old to be dressed like that, and to be wearing a full face of slap. The older one, hmm 12 is still a child however she's reaching her teens and teenagers have been dressing inappropriately since the dawn of time. We all did it, most of us looked silly in the teen years. I vividly remember wearing a full face of terrible, too dark, badly applied make up at that age and my mother just didn't even bother to pass comment. I grew out of it.

Nothing you can do about how they dress at their home. If they are staying in your house though, they need to be respectful of your house rules. Can you take them on a nice shopping trip for some clothes to keep at your house? Make it a fun day out. If they try to pick things that you're really against, say no - dress it up as a autumn/winter shop and say they need some jeans/appropriate length skirts or shorts and tights and proper tops. I'd be surprised if the shops had loads of the types of clothes in that you describe at the moment.