SDs dressing inappropriately

[Winosaurus]

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.

I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?

Well there was a case quite recently where a 12 year old pretended she was 16 and had sex with a 20 year old. He was charged with rape but found not guilty because several witnesses also said she looked 16 and the judge believed the man did indeed think she was above the age of consent so I guess it just goes to show that yes dressing older can indeed get girls into trouble, depressing as that is.

So by that logic cosy, we should ban skirts from school uniforms, cut all girls' hair off and stop girls and women from listening to music on the street.

This is the case www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-39305042

Jesus, some of the posts on here are unbelievable. How dare the OP be concerned about her very young step-daughters dressing inappropriately, and wrecking their skin by covering it with makeup? What a notion. 🙄

Apart from blocking their pores, not letting their skin breathe, looking like miniature adult women is just not a good look; especially on an 8 year-old. YANBU at all, OP. My dd is 17 so I can't tell her what to wear, but in the recent past she's caught chills and become quite poorly from not wearing enough clothes. She's learned her lesson now though so if I just say quite mildly that she might want another layer, she will grab a hoodie.

When she was younger though there's no way I'd have let her go out with hotpants up her arse and showing her bra.

Sparrowhawk what a twattish thing to say.I do believe Cosy is repeating what the actual rapists said.

I think the vast majority of people know that rapist rape and clothes don't put you in danger, ie if a rapist wants to rape he will.

The problem with extremely revealing clothes, in my experience of working with young people, is the attitude of peers.
Some girls often shun others because of their clothes because (their words,) they are a 'slut', a 'slag' and so on. Awful words but out of the mouth of preteens and teenagers.

Boys that are around the same age or a year or two older talk and egg each other on and say that 'she was up for it' The language that we have heard as professionals about 12/13 year old girls is heartbreaking. The lads say things like ' her tits were on show because she wanted us to see them' etc etc. Really crude vulgar stuff. I woudn't want my kid to be talked about in that way.

I am not talking about grown men being pedophiles but school lads who go to the same youth club or a part of the same social scene.

I always thought that I would allow my kids to dress how they please. Now if I had daughters I know I wouldn't be so liberal.
I also expect a flaming for this post and would agree that the onus is on the males to be taught to behave better but in the mean time I would be looking out for my kid!

Yes dustarr, but it was said in the context of 'preventing rape' - surely if we police what you guys girls wear, them we should also take the same 'precautions'? In fact, should women ever leave the house on their own?

OP are you in the UK? Aren't they freezing in hot pants and crop tops?

That should say 'police what young girls wear'

Hmm, interesting discussion. I am in Indonesia and things are very clear here I think. There ARE children of 13/14 here wearing these clothes (clothing perhaps more modest, but relative to normal clothing here probably the same), and they ARE prostitutes or having inappropriate relationship (and the men here are worse than in the UK).

So there are very clear boundaries. Teenage girls are taught to wear modest clothing to avoid unwanted attention - which may still be forthcoming unfortunately, especially if girl is particularly striking, but at least you do your best to minimise.

The idea that 'My vulnerable daughter can wear what I want and it's other people that are the problem' is just not founded in reality, a reality where children DO NOT have the necessary understanding to fend off inappropriate contact, which IS likely in the real world, not some sort of fantasy land where if some older boy/man wants to pursue your child then he should be ashamed of yourself and there are zero consequences for your child. Nope the one who suffers is the child.

And IME pubescent (11/12 yo) girls wearing this sort of clothing have been exposed to inappropriate sexuality, perhaps at school, older siblings, TV, whatever. Because it's not normal, and it's obviously sexualised, not just 'I wear what I want because it's comfortable'.

I've only skimmed the thread but it reminded me of a charity event my sister and I sung at as teenagers (I was 15; she was 18). It was a small event in a local town hall but we were excited to perform and got dressed up in quite an adult way with makeup etc. Afterwards I was invited out by an adult man. Fortunately my sister overheard and said, "What the fuck? She's 15!!", and the guy was genuinely horrified as he'd thought I was an adult. He wasn't a bad person/ pervert/ paedophile, and his behaviour wouldn't have been inappropriate if I'd been older. I was quite immature, emotionally, at that age and probably would have gone along with the guy and pretended I was older if my sister hadn't intervened. It's more complex than "anyone who judges a girl based on her clothing is a total creep" or "wear what you want, and if that misleads anyone it's their problem."

OP What is your DH thinking? Why doesn't he just tell them to dress properly fgs? I can see how it's difficult for you as a SM, but I think I would just refuse to go out with them. What is the mother doing in all this? Our DD is 12 and she wouldn't get out the house like that. It's just basic decency.

The thing is their male peers judge girls who dress like this. I have a 10 year old who is always saying that they don't like such and such girls in his school because of the way they're dressed. I haven't said anything that would form his views. So what age are they appealing to? As said by pp girls pretend to be older to impress older boys, that's always been the case ( I was like this, I cringe when I look back). But to be encouraged by the mum is outrageous

OP you are completely justified to be so concerned about this. What you have described the girls wearing sounds horrendous - totally innappropriate. I can't believe some of the moronic responses to this thread - dressing children like that is so irresponsible and wrong for so many reasons, and anybody getting all puffed up about it saying it isn't a problem is kidding themselves. It's horrible to think of children wearing such sexualised clothing, it's wrong. The people on here saying otherwise need to grow up - in an ideal world we could all walk around wearing as little or as much as we please without consequences, but that isn't the reality. Why can't kids just be allowed to be kids ffs.

What planet are some of the posters here on?!
YANBU OP.

It may not be the clothes in themselves - but perhaps they offer a visual clue that the DSDs are not being parented with appropriate boundaries - that makes them more vulnerable. Also agree with the comment about not sexualising DCs.

Anyway I'm more of a practical person. Issue that we have to remember here is that the OP is the step mum, not the parent.
If she - or indeed the DF - lay down the law too much, then DSDs will prefer to hang out with their laid back DM who lets them be grown up and cool.

They have limited options here, so perhaps we could all focus on helping the OP with exploring those.

Any parent who sends their 12yo out into the world with her arse cheeks hanging out, full makeup and their bra on show, may as well put a label on her head saying

I'm vulnerable and lack parental guidance, please come and talk to me

And if it wouldn't be good enough for your daughter, then FSS stop advising the OP that's it's good enough for her SC.

I would also be concerned if the mum is happy for the girls to dress older than their years, would she also be unconcerned about them acting older than their years. Not necessarily at the moment but thinking about whether she would be lax about social media access, drinking, sex etc

Well said softkitty
Without being too outing, I was sexually assaulted by an older man who thought I was older, I was 13 and plastered in makeup and older clothes. I didn't have much parental supervision and thought I was sooo grown up. I was in a nightclub ( it was in the '70's so no id requested). I don't know who the man was but it scared the shit out of me.

Its frightening how people are reacting to this showing sheer stubbornness and head in the sand attitudes

If you seriously can't figure out why heavy make up and revealing clothes, both ultimately sexual signals, on children is a concern you need to have a serious word with yourself.

Op it's a tricky one as unfortunately our society is saturated in sexualising everything. Instead of focusing on healthy interests and relationships. 8 and 12 year olds should be in comfy carefree clothes that can get dirty while they play. Not dressed like adult women out on the town.

I had to kindly and carefully talk to my DD 12. She started doing the same (managing to look about 17) and i sat her down and told her how beautiful she is inside and out without all the decoration. How she is too young to to present herself in a sexualised way. And it would be different when she's older but right now she needs to look her age. She still experiments quite a lot with image but it's more imaginative and practical and less predictable stereotype.

As a feminist I do think dressing children like this endangers them. It gives out a message that there's no one looking out for them, no one caring for them.

Good parents dress children appropriately for the weather and teach them appropriate boundaries about how to look after themselves.

As a foster carer of young girls and young women it was my job to help them make good choices and build their self esteem. I'm going to recommend that you have clothes for when they visit you - so that you're not being seen to criticise what they're wearing I suggest you do an activity that they need appropriate clothing and that you get them into physical exercise like football in the park or Scouts or martial arts that teaches them appropriate skills not based on how they look. You need to be teaching them that how they look is less important than having a great time building a den in the woods.

This has nothing to do with how adults dress.

I would also assume poor parenting with overtly sexualised clothes on a 8/10 year old.

Just responded on Stepmums thread!