SDs dressing inappropriately

[Winosaurus]

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.

I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?

It just shows naivety on the mothers part.
The girls will be ear marked as vulnerable by the school too.
They shouldn't be thinking about looks, to that extent, at that age.
It won't be pleasant for them to be leered at by dodgy blokes, nor sneered at by others. The poor girls need parenting.

Sorry only skim read the thread but can you not provide the girls with clothes that they can wear when they are with you? Am also thinking its nearly Autumn so surely will be back in less skimpy clothes?!

I think I would be encouraging your other half to buy the girls some more suitable clothes, coats and shoes.

I would also have a no make up rule for when they are with you...

There do seem to be big cultural differences in how young a girl can be to wear make up and sexy clothes.

I think the big sticking point here is the step family situation. OP is the step mum, if she were Mum she'd be confidently refusing to buy them these clothes in the first place. She wouldn't for her daughter. But that cultural norm, alien to the OP, and to me too if I was her, isn't something she has total control over. I would, if I were OP, exert some influence. I'd say, sorry in this house no hot pants and less make up. If they ask why, say they are too young, and that in different houses it's ok to have different rules. But I wouldn't go mental, just get them to tone it down a bit.

Prepare to have a rocky road though, as SMs are never right!

It's not appropriate for an 8 or 12 year old to wear that amount of make up! What about teaching them that they don't NEED to wear it at that age?

I do see your point on this one and I don't understand why 8-year-olds need to grow up so fast. On the other hand, what can happen if they're being supervised? I think dressing up and makeup are fine at birthday parties but not for school or every day.

Fucking weird thread
Surely it's obvious that 8 and 12 year olds shouldn't be dressing in arse cheek and bra revealing clothes and full slap?!

And sorry - as a SW working with a lot of girls at risk of CSE, very young teenage and pre teen girls dressing to make themselves look older is a MASSIVE problem and DOES mark them out as vulnerable and WILL attract the attention of predatory older men. Even just older teenage boys who may not be inherently predatory but who are likely to pressure these girls into sexual activity they are not prepared for.
But if you want to be right on and send your little girls out looking like 16 year olds and insist that doesn't put them at risk because clothes don't put girls at risk...have at it

Girls and women are at risk of predatory men no matter what. I have been harassed on the street by men when wearing school uniform as have many girls. There are also cases of girls being sexually assaulted whilst in school uniform. The problem is the perpetrators.

Even just older teenage boys who may not be inherently predatory but who are likely to pressure these girls into sexual activity they are not prepared for.

This is alright if it happens to girls of 16 then? It's definitely not. Still predatory. Also, there's no way a 16/17 year old could talk to someone who's 13 and not realise they were talking to someone rather younger.

Clothes don't put girls at risk. The perpetrators of sexual violence against women and girls do.

Jeez
Predatory older men and teenagers who are seeking out young vulnerable girls to groom and abuse will look for the vulnerable ones. Which ones are they? The ones out on the streets too late at night, the ones not dressed appropriately for the weather, the ones that are wearing totally inappropriate clothes. Children who don't look properly cared for.

This is alright if it happens to girls of 16 then? It's definitely not. Still predatory

Are you reading? I said that 12/13/14 year olds are not going to be ready for sexual activity with older teenage boys but if they present themselves as 16 they may be pressured to behave like a 16 year old and want to go along with it to fit in. Actual 16 year olds can consent to sex. 13 year olds can't.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble guys but we're not living in thecivilised uptopua you all imagine. It is true the you cannot protect yourself from sexual assault by the way that you dress or that revealing clothing isn't the root cause of sexual assault. However, the way that a girl looks including the way that she dresses can and does impact the way that some (idiotic and backwards) men will think of her and act towards her. Especially with increasing numbers of men raised abroad living in the U.K. OPs concerns are very valid (I would know, I was raised in an ethnic community where men would use the way a woman dressed as an excuse to treat her with disrespect). OP. The make up issue may be more easily resolved. Make up is terrible for skin. If you are able to convince the girls that make up gives them acne and will permanently ruin their skin then they may stop of their own accord. As for the clothing I don't know what to suggest. I never would have dressed this way at their age because none of my friends dressed like this. It may be worth setting up some play dates with better dressed children you know in the hope that it will rub off?

Are you reading?

Are you? Do you think it's acceptable for any woman or girl to be pressured into sex? What is "behaving like a 16 year old"? Why is your issue with the clothing of the girls not the predatory men and boys who are happy to rape young girls? What's putting young girls at risk is the same as what puts older girls and women at risk: violent men and boys.

Clothes do not put women in danger, but a lack of clothes does.

Of course the problem is the perpetrators.

Girls are always at risk from predatory men. I've done voluntary work with sex offenders and the key thing they look for in a victim is vulnerability.

School uniform marks you as vulnerable because it shows your age and some men have fetishes for school uniform, very young girls in sexualised clothing marks them vulnerable as it indicates slack parenting.

I haven't read the full thing but OP I understand what you're staying. It's inappropriate. At that age they should be children who flash their knickers when doing handstands by mistake and totally innocent, not dressing in a way to emphasise their bodies or draw unwanted attention. A teenager walking down the street may look at her and assume she is older and may well think about her inappropriately. At 8 they are certainly not old enough to understand what that may mean.
Children should be children, not wishing their childhood away.

Yeah this 12 year old could have been my sister. She'd had low self esteem and started dressing up, which at first we didn't make a big deal about if it meant confidence. Long story, but after a word with my dad he started snooping and stopped something extremely awful happening. She loved the attention from older guys, and thought my dad was the most awful person at the time. A decade later, I'm sure she doesn't remember much about it (and is quite close to our dad actually) but my family (the ones that know) still remember everything! Shocked, disappointed, angry, upset, just a few words to describe how we felt towards this creep AND, unfortunately, some of this was directed at her.

I can't support a child wanting to, or being guided towards, expressing a sexuality they don't yet understand. Hey, even at 16 they won't understand it (who of us truly do), but I'd certainly prefer an earnest exploration of sexuality to start at 14/15/16.. not 12... or 8

You seem determined to believe I'm trying to victim blame. I am not. I am saying that dressing inappropriately marks young girls out as vulnerable and therefore at greater risk of grooming and abuse.

Adalind, I understand exactly what you're saying.

We're talking about children. Wrt to teenager and adult women, clothing is irrelevant.

I feel your pain @wino and agree with the sensible responses which have focused on seeking to reassure you that YANBU. As a stepmom i went through this when my SDs were little - sent for a weekend with us in tight pleather mini skirts, glittery crop tops, black lace tights and boots with 1 inch heels when they were 5 and 6. Just because kids want to dress like adults doesn't mean they should be allowed to. And speaking as a girl who always looked older and did get into situations with older boys because of it, please do what you can to encourage them towards different choices. Good luck.

I agree with AdalindSchade.

Rape/abuse is not about sex - it is about power. Vulnerable children (or children who seem vulnerable for whatever reason) attract predators - and they are neither physically nor emotionally strong enough to cope with comments, let alone actions that may result.

Great post, Shockers. I think it got right to the heart of the matter.
And also RidingWindhorses.

Wino - if you want this to change, you and your DP are going to have to put your feet down and buy the girls appropriate clothing to wear while at your home, and make a 'no makeup' rule.

Lots of Don Quixotes here - of course the issue is the predators' attitudes and habits and the society that forms those attitudes and enables their behaviour. But - and it's a big but - the OP sees a child who could potentially end up in danger from potential predator behaviour through no fault of her own.

We teach children and young teens not to accept a lift from anyone they don't know, don't we? And not to accept friend requests from strangers online, or requests to engage in sexting, right?

I have not read all the responses but can I just say: OMG. Even if clothes don't cause rape or assault, dressing like that at that age is highly inappropriate. Simply on feminist grounds. What does being allowed to dress like that teach girls? Nothing to do with female empowerment.

Ew @ "slutty little tarts" and "need to have respect for themselves"
But it also makes me angry that female children as young as 8 are being dressed or encouraged to dress as sexually mature adults at such a tender age

Anyhow, op you aren't their mother so there's nothing you can do about it. It may be hard on your daughter as she wants to fit in with them but there will be many more things other kids are doing that you will want her to abstain from in the future anyways, so that's just the beginning.

I have thought a lot about this topic being a younger girl who dressed "inappropriate" by my own choice, not influenced by people around me...

Now having grown into the person I am I feel the biggest change came when I had positive influences around me, role models and ambitions.

Yes they are both young but it doesn't sound like your in a position to assert your authority, and unfortunately even if parents do it's not always necessarily working... sometimes even making it harder hiding clothes lying about things ect ect

My suggestion would be try being a person they can actively rely on and want to confide in, you are more likely going to be able to "safeguard" them by knowing what they get up to, rather than pushing them away and being the judgemental non understanding adult that only sees them for what they wear!!

And I say adult because I feel it makes no difference if your their mum, step mum or even an Aunty children are influenced by people in there surrounding and even more so by people they love and make them feel worth...

I would work on creating good influences and aspirations in their world whilst they are around you that aren't focused on what they are wearing....

And maybe buy them some clothes for at yours you think are appropriate and give them the choice to wear it, mum shouldn't feel offended if dad wants to buy cloth for DDs...

Wino is there any activity you could get the SDs involved in on the weekends they are at your home?

Thinking about something healthy - maybe geocaching as a family, or some class they could go to like swimming, dance or martial arts where their dad could encourage them to do their best and progress to the next level? One of my DDs did synchronised swimming and enjoyed it greatly.

It's hard if the visitation is only every other weekend, but maybe their mum would be ok with them going to a class on her weekend if their dad were to take them there and drop them back...