SDs dressing inappropriately

[Winosaurus]

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.

I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?

I can't quite believe what I'm reading.

Some posters so focused on the victim-blaming issue that they've lost all reason.

These girls have been sexualised somewhere along the way, probably by the media they watch. No, it's not OK to just sit back and let it happen.

You need to employ some critical thinking ssd

I'm not encouraging anyone to wear anything. I would prevent my young daughters from wearing full make up on aesthetic grounds.

I would, if I'm honest, dissuade them from the skimpy clothes partly to avoid judgements from (harmless) people.

But I won't entertain the idea that their clothes are putting them in actual physical danger because that is BULLSHIT of the highest order.

Where is your evidence? A tradition of shaming and controlling women through their clothing choices is not evidence - it is nasty, invidious misogyny that needs to be challenged, not reinforced by women.

As long as we all nod along when this bullshit is voiced, society will continue to control women in this way.

I don't allow my dd to wear make up inappropriately and she's 13.
I make sure her clothes aren't inappropriate too.
This is because sexualising girls can and does lead to them getting into bad situations.
I equate it to looking both ways when crossing a one way street.
You shouldn't have to as it's one way, but you're still dead if a twats coming the one way.
You are still a victim.

That is an excellent analogy gillybeanz.

These girls have been sexualized somewhere along the way

No shit Sherlock.

But it's not as the length of their shorts that sexualises them, is it? After all, that's just a piece of material.

It's bullshit attitudes that translate a certain style into a direct sexual statement.

In other words, you're joining in with the sexualization, along with the media by agreeing with this assessment.

This is because sexualising girls can and does lead to them getting into bad situations.

But where is the evidence for this?

In other words, you're joining in with the sexualization, along with the media by agreeing with this assessment.

Well apparently so do you, Sherlock.

So what do YOU think it is about their outfits that sexualises them?

Men and boys will look, wolf whistle, try to chat you up, etc from the words of my dd's female friends.
One who used to wear short skirts and make up, you know because we should be able to wear what we like got no end of verbal abuse and unsolicited/ unwanted attention.
She still gets the attention now she wears dungarees docs and no make up.
She can handle this as it's usually comments about her being a dyke. (not my words) She simply replies she'd rather be a lesbian than attracted to them.
I think the 13 year olds have it better sussed than many grown up women on here

My evidence is my eyes and ears, what I see and hear.

I despair.

It's not at all like looking before you cross. A car will definitely harm you if you are its way.

A short skirt will not.

A rapist will harm you. Yes.

But it will have fuck all to do with your skirt. Or your lipstick.

In fact, some research shows that, since rape and sexual assault are about power, rapists often avoid women who seem sexually confident and have dressed to draw attention to their bodies.

How does that square with your bullshit Daily Mail wisdom?

To clarify stoic I think it's the repeated assertion that it does sexualise them that makes them sexualised.

After all, this is am abstact idea - there's sexualometer we can use. It's all a social construct.

You're perpetuating it. I'm trying to dismantle it - or at least analyse it rather than swallow it whole.

That's great. Meanwhile, back in the real world, most of us don't let our kids wear whatever the fuck they want.

there's no sexualometer I mean

Good one Stoic. Just fall back on the 'well it must be true cos everyone participates in the sane bullshit'.

Who is actually arguing that kids should wear whatever the fuck they want? I know you're not big on evidence, but if you could find where any one said that..?

I'm simply stating that certain clothes don't equate to actual physical danger. Because they don't, and to say they do is, whether you understand it or not, to contribute to our toxic victim-blaming culture.

I wasn't talking specifically about rape though.
I'm talking about women/young girls being confident to handle themselves when men/boys make sexual advances, they're not all rapists.
I don't want my dd being seen as prey for sexual gratification at 13.
Neither does she or her friends, so they dress accordingly in clothes that don't get them unwanted attention.
So yes, of course clothes can get you into situations you can't handle or upset or worry you.
I think todays girls have got their head screwed on and don't think all this shouting about victim blaming is helping tbh.
Yes, you should be able to dress how you want to, but you can't as it puts you in risk of unwanted attention.
That's just a fact, but yes a rapist probably doesn't care what a person is wearing if they are determined to strike.

Anyway I'm way too tired for this, as my typing attests.

But think about it. Try to be objective and critical in your analysis rather than reacting in such a culturally and emotionally charged way to girls' clothes. They're just clothes. In some cultures girls and women routinely wander round topless...

Just fall back on the 'well it must be true cos everyone participates in the sane bullshit'.

I have absolutely no idea what that means.

I agree with you that clothes don't equal danger. I'm still not going to let my kids go out dressed in a sexualised manner.

If you would allow that for your own kids, knock yourself out.

But, before you go, obviously those boys are part of the problem.

They too have been taught this is how we respond tp these clothes.

It's all part of the same sorry mess.

We have to change all our message - to boys and girls.

Merchant

I can agree with that, I can remember comments from my own ds x2 much older and grown up now.
I remember when they were leaving juniors and seniors and comments about what the girls were wearing and having to put them right.
I'm not sure what the answer is, it certainly isn't a new phenomenon that boys/men with sexualise girls if they are wearing certain clothes.

OP, I was an 8/9/10 year old who used to slap on as much make-up as I could find to go on family outings and try to dress older by wearing heels or crop tops etc. It drove my DM to absolute despair for the exact same reasons as you.

The problem was that I genuinely thought I looked cool and I was just trying to emulate the celebrities I saw on TV/in magazines (no YouTube back then). My DM obviously tried to get me to stop and flat-out once told me that I looked like a tart who would get unwanted/inappropriate attention, but I didn't appreciate where she was coming from. I just thought she was being a downer and overly critical.

I don't know your whole situation obviously so you might already be doing this, but the only advice I can give is that it's really important to focus on their self-esteems as a whole. I don't know that you'll be able to get them to change, but if you focus more on other aspects (schooling/hobbies), they might start to realise that there is more to life than just how they look. Their mother appears to be enabling them in focusing on appearance so maybe you just have to keep the focus elsewhere?

It's tough because they'll be growing up in a world where being an instagram celeb etc. is a desired career path and there's a real pressure to look a certain way. But if you can encourage them to focus on other things and build up their sense of self worth through achievements in other areas, they may stop bothering with so much make-up.

You could also as a first step try going on YouTube with them and looking at quick make-up tutorials that use fewer products and go for a natural look? And then move on to videos of young women doing things that you think might inspire them but that don't involve make-up or clothing?

This may be useless advice, but it certainly was the case for me that when I was super busy and throwing myself into other things, I had less time to focus on what I looked like. HTH

To those shouting for EVIDENCE - it could be ME!
Very early on in my childhood I noticed the effect clothing had on people around me. Around age 9 was when I acquired a white crop top with BABE written right across my ( not yet developed ) chest. As soon as my shorts and that top went on, the whole man-world around me changed - that's how it felt. I still remember feeling interested, embarrassed and somewhat scared when boys around age 16 said as I passed them : "I would fuck that". In fact, I liked the attention I was getting but I didn't quite understand it. I had not a clue what it all meant but it felt different, grown-up. I remember being wolf-whistled next to my mum in that top and it felt really awkward.
Fast forward to me being around 12 and I sneaked out of the house in my mums vintage leopard fur-coat, full face make-up, feeling pretty. Until a man in a crowded bus stop came right up close to me and whispered in my ear: My dick is hard. Then just walked off. That was the last time I wore that coat, it scared me. Was it the coat? No, it was the man that had the problem. However, no BABE top, no fur coat, no high-cut red bikini ( I was photographed from the bushes on the beach and didn't know what to do, just stood there until a grown woman noticed and chased the perv away from me) and the really creepy situations never happened. I would still get the attention, but from boys my age.
I was experimenting with my clothes and sexuality. Finding the link. There is one whether we acknowledge it or not. As a kid I was clueless but curious and that is a dangerous combination ( I remember my friends in teen years hitch-hiking in as revealing clothing as possible as they thought cars beeps, whistles and shouts were fun and it is bound to get them to the music festival quicker. Shudder).

I don't know why this has become a discussion about rape. We all know that rapists don't disriminate based on clothing - here's a link to an article about a thought-provoking art exhibition called 'what were you wearing' about victim blaming:

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/powerful-art-exhibit-powerfully-answers-the-question-what-were-you-wearing_us_59baddd2e4b02da0e1405d2a

But this really isn't about rape. It's about age-appropriate clothing and not wanting pre-teens to appear to be teens as they aren't ready for some of the more mature issues that occur in your teens (like sexual ATTENTION - not rape).

Unfortunately as step mother you can't do anything. Your partner could (and should) have a discussion about the amount of makeup the girls wear and appropriate clothing (with them) and set some boundaries. They're still children. It's also totally fine to set your own boundaries for your DD, even if those boundaries show that you don't agree with the choices your Step DDs make, and it's fine if she questions it to say that you are not their mummy so you don't get to make the rules for them.

Look at teh end of the day if you are an adult who wants to go out in their nip,good for you.You have teh emotional intelligence to do whats right for you.

8 and 12 year olds dont.And too me,thats the difference.

You cant say on 1 hand,you are the step parent you dont have a say.But then expect said sp to act as a parent when it suits.It seems to the op i looking out for these kids,which is a good thing.

Talk with your husband first, and then lay out some rulesTell them they must wear school uniform, cut their nails short enough so they cannot been seen when looking at their hand held out palm up, and no makeup whatsoever when they stay with you. Since they can't be trusted to choose appropriately, you should insist they dress as the schoolgirls they are still.

mamapow. Your parents were at fault for allowing you unfettered access to the magazines and tv. I have a 9 yo. She doesn't get access to these images and rarely goes on YouTube. She knows she isn't allowed to wear her crop top with no vest underneath.

Merchant. These aren't confident women in sexually provocative clothing. They are vulnerable girls and easy targets.

madrid. Are you going to answer misshelena?

Wow, guess the 'let girls be girls' campaign wouldn't get any traction these days.