SDs dressing inappropriately

[Winosaurus]

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.

I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?

I feel judgey emily but I'm guessing she either does or dressed like that when she was younger.

I don't think there's any evidence that a girl dressed in revealing clothes is in any more danger

That's very narrow minded, you can't actually really think the only danger is from rapists?

No, it's not, the danger is from them appearing a certain way that may get them into situations they are unable to deal with, that they lack the maturity for, be it older boys pressurising them, to hanging out with older kids who give them booze or whatever, it's from people's judgement of them impacting their self esteem and their friendships, its losing their child hood to early as they focus on appearance and sexualising themselves, it's growing up in an environment where your parents failed dismally to teach you about what was appropriate in society and what it means to you personally when you appear a certain way, it's from growing up thinking a certain type of appearance is of prime importance.

Danger comes in many formats, including to a child's emotional well being, to putting them in situations they may feel traumatised by, and is not just about rapists.

Danger comes in many formats, including to a child's emotional well being, to putting them in situations they may feel traumatised by, and is not just about rapists
You're right.
And this is what lots of people have been trying to say, yet the thread seems to routinely get pulled down the route of 'you're victim blaming. Clothes dont make a woman responsible for rape'.

you're victim blaming. Clothes dont make a woman responsible for rape'

Knowledge is knowing that's ^^ factually correct.

Wisdom is knowing it's a whole lot more complicated than that.

TheStoic
I agree.

Clothes don't mean a woman is responsible. I only meant that rather than deal with the issues of the type of dressing that the OP outlined, some posters have willfully chosen to ignore all the sensible reasons why ut is a problem and gone down the 'rape/victim blaming' route.

Wow. Some of the responses here are seriously disturbing.

I have this niggling idea that some posters here, desperate to appear oh-so-forward-thinking, forgot that we are talking about CHILDREN. An 8 year old and a 12 year old. NOT teenagers, not young adults, not grown women - CHILDREN.

A previous poster said (I am paraphrasing here,) that 'women should be able to wear what they like'. That is true, but the keyword is WOMEN. And we are discussing GIRLS. CHILDREN. There's a difference.

I honestly believe that things that are appropriate for a grown woman may not be appropriate for girls. Can anybody give me one good reason why a child should ever be seen dressed/made-up like an adult woman? I don't really have a problem with shorts or make-up, and I'm all for experimenting at home, but there's no way I'd ever allow my very young daughter (if I had one), to go outside with her bum cheeks/midriff on show, or with makeup on her face.

My point is that some things belong in the adult world. Drinking, nights out, certain things on the media, male attention. Lipstick, heels and short shorts too. Why? Because adults have the maturity to deal with all of the above. Children do not, because they are children. They will only be young once, and will have a lot of time to enjoy everything the adult world has to offer - when they reach adulthood.

ssd Unhinged am I, for wanting to examine and analyse our social norms rather than just go 'eewww gross'? Well, if we're going to name-call... you seem a bit unintelligent. You actually said the girls are ruining themselves. WTF?? Really?? They're ruined if they dress a certain way. Ye gods.

I haven't suggested for a second that I think these outfits are a good idea. So accusing me of that is weird for a start.

The only reason I'm on this thread is to combat the ignorant comments about certain clothes causing actual danger.

I will continue to contest that.

If my examination of the damaging mythology we've created around female clothing makes me unhinged to you, then you seem very simple-minded I'm afraid.

Of course this thread is inherently related to ideas about sexual assault and rape. It's blindingly obvious.

Certain looks have a whole culture built around them- part of this culture is men making unwanted comments (agreed); part of this culture is women agreeing that the clothes are Bad (not just bad taste or aesthetically poor but morally bad). That's what many women are doing o here.

OP your instinct is telling you that this is not right for your DSC.

You are right but are finding it hard to put your finger on why so that you can tell your DH and he will trust that instinct.

You are right because over sexualised clothes in children is an outward sign of inner problems
You are right because this way of dressing is restricting and labelling.
You are right because it is totally anti feminist to dress like that.

NB It is not anti-feminist to dress in any way.

Valid reasons not to dress daughters like OP's step-daughters:

• weather

-practicality -taste

Poor reasons to object to the outfits:

-rape
-judgey comments from MN

Dangerous/unhelpful things to say*:

• these clothes attract 'certain comments'

*unhelpful because if you are the one making the certain comments you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy situation right there.

But I will bow out now because once we've got to the stage of saying girls are ruining themselves by wearing certain clothes, and that certain clothes are unfeminist, I feel there is no hope.

You are right because it is totally anti feminist to dress like that
It's not anti feminist to dress in a certain way.
I am a feminst and could choose to dress that way (very very rarely I might wear a sexy dress on a night out), but i am an adult woman with the emotional capacity and maturity to understand we don't live in a perfect world and all that goes with it.
Someone cat calls me, i'll ignore it or call them out depending on the situation. That's my choice as a woman.

What is anti feminist is the way the children's mother is (implicitly or explicitly) teaching them to dress a certain way and implying that they require make up/spray tan/skimpy outfits to be pretty.

These people are the first to shout about how much they hate peadophiles, it takes up most of Facebook, but never think about how they are producing Lolita's.

What the fuck?!!!

Emily errr you guessed it. I didn't want to say that as I thought I'd get abuse

If they are copying their mum's style then I'm afraid you're not going to be able to say/do anything without it ending badly.

Haven't RTFT but I completely agree with you OP. When I was a teenager if I came downstairs with too much makeup on my dad would tell me to "get back upstairs and get all that muck off your face, you look common" and I'm so glad he did. I'll do exactly the same with my girls if they wear too much makeup. It's a parents job to guide and this is part of that. You're in a difficult position being the step mum so you're DH basically needs to step up and say "you might dress like that when you're with your mother but not when you're with me"
Teenagers will constantly test boundaries and whilst I agree you have to pick your battles this one is non-negotiable.

OP - I have been in the exact same situation for many years. I could have written your op. There is nothing you can do about it and any criticism of the Ex and the girls will probably lead to tension between you and your DP. I had to go out with a ten year old wearing wedges, very short shorts, crop top, net tops with a red bra top underneath and full on makeup with bright lipstick weekend after weekend and there was nothing I could do about it. I hated being mistaken for her mum.
The only thing I could do was make her keep her coat on wherever we went and be blasé about judgemental comments. Make your DP walk with the girls when you go places, so he has to deal with the unwanted attention and continue to stick to your own taste as far as your DD is concerned and try not to judge. At the end of the day, it's not your responsibility and if you have already voiced your concerns, there is not much more that you can do. My ex SD is now in her twenties and she has turned up dressed as a Christmas tree yet again at a family funeral - not my problem. She was dressed like that when I first met her all those years ago and I just had to suck it up.

They are children and should be dressed like children. All the comments about women dressing as they like or not pertain to adults and aren't relevant.

It is naive to say that clothes do not put young girls on danger. There are mothers at school gates who garner comments bc of their clothing. This is more serious. Its unfortunate, but wearing clothes that show a young girl's body atttacts attention from people who are are predators. People who think that she is unsupervised and therefore vulnerable to attention because that type of behavior usually means that she lacks parental love and advice. Girls who lack love at home often do not respect themselves or seek attention away from home.

If this is offensive, another example would be considering what you would wear to an interview. there is a protocol for clothes at every juncture in our lives: Weddings, dates, school days, everyday activities.

Clothes show economic and social status and how one feels about one's self.

Ask any male for an honest response: how they approach a female depends upon her clothes.

If your step daughters love you, respect you, they will listen to you. Good luck.
Ò
In the mean time

If they are copying their mum's style then I'm afraid you're not going to be able to say/do anything without it ending badly
Pretty much.
The OP could go down the route of her and DH saying they like the girls to show their natural beauty when they stay over.
I love another poster suggesting doing natural make up tutorials on youtube.

If the Mum is dressed up like that all the time she is showing the girls that their role in life is to be eye candy.

Give them options, take the practical route (eg. We are going for a walk so heels aren't appropriate / it is September. Crop tops are for the beach when it is warm.).and hope there's a chance that they may like another way without the pressure.

If mum loves them being dressed up to get attention, she'll probably find it a good thing 'how mature they look' and how they are 'old for their age'. She'd probably also be fine with them having older friends too 'because they're so mature'. In other words all the things thay place tjose girls on the edge of risk taking behaviours the mum is probably good with. She may well have done the same thing at their age and decided 'it didn't harm.me'.

sorry clothes should not put you in danger, but they do, and sadly we all make assumptions about people by the way they are dressed, and sadly teenage boys will make assumptions that a girl with her backside out and her breasts on display, face full of make up looking years olderis clearly up for anything they want! Nobody is saying that a girl in hot pants wants to have sex, but that is often the assumption and the child can't make an informed decision, so you have to protect them!
I would buy them some clothes for your house, although I appreciate that may be difficult? Assume their mother doesn't dress this way so just say now that x is developing I would rather she dressed like you and I when with us as I have noticed some uncessary attention from older inappropriate men.

What an abhorrent topic summed up by clarkl2's misogynist post.

Some people posting on here are very naive! My husband job means he deals with sex offenders every day he only tells me small details of some encounters he has as he knows I would be upset but trust me if you let your CHILDREN walk around dressed like strippers then perverts/paedophiles WILL be leering at them even taking pictures. These people are everywhere and often blend in so don't be fooled. It's awful that kids can't walk around like this without disgusting unwanted attention but this is the reality!!! Wake up people!!!!

then perverts/paedophiles WILL be leering at them even taking pictures.

Pictures are taken of women and girls in public regularly and shared on well known misogynist forums and on social media accounts devoted to doing so (www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10987816/Creep-shot-Twitter-trend-how-creeps-just-got-creepier.html). Many take and share photos of girls in school uniform (like this man www.chiswickw4.com/default.asp?section=info&page=concrime921.htm). The clothing isn't the problem, the perpetrators are.

to take it further, presuming your ex likes how his new partner dresses, he might think its normal for the girls to copy their mum