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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

303 replies

grimmm · 16/09/2017 08:37

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 16/09/2017 08:40

Why haven't you spoken to your manager or HR? What was the row about?

ConciseandNice · 16/09/2017 08:40

Well, I would certainly be worried, but what happened when you were drunk? Unless something unethical/immoral/illegal happened, if it was outside of work hours then it shouldn't have bearing on your work life.

What actually did happen?

Manclife · 16/09/2017 08:43

If it was a works outing then it's deemed just an extension of work.

Ilovecoleslaw · 16/09/2017 08:44

What happened on the night out?

JustMumNowNotMe · 16/09/2017 08:45

What did you row about?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 16/09/2017 08:45

I'd HAVE to ask the boss or HR. Keep it as professional and facts-based as possible. But if I were in deep shit (as he's hinting you are), I'd have to know why if I genuinely didn't have a clue.

Good luck. Sounds like a horrible situation.... if it were me, my stomach would be in knots! Flowers

CanIBuffalo · 16/09/2017 08:45

Was his sick leave related to the Saturday incident?

Notreallyarsed · 16/09/2017 08:45

Can't you speak to a manager to find out what's happened? Is there anything in the drunken argument that you think could have caused it? It seems very unfair to just leave you in limbo like that, without knowing what's going on. Has he taken something you've said too personally/out of context?

Pengggwn · 16/09/2017 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConciseandNice · 16/09/2017 08:45

I just says a drunken night out. Not a works do. I'm aware that if it was a works function, then it is effectively 'at work'. Maybe I read the original post wrongly.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 16/09/2017 08:46

You're not giving us the full story are you OP!

MrsSkeffington · 16/09/2017 08:48

I recommend you don't get drunk with work colleagues and keep it professional

Finola1step · 16/09/2017 08:48

Stop communicating with him. Go straight to your manager or HR. Over the weekend, write up everything you can remember that may be pertinent to the fall out and after so that your thoughts are clear. Focus on protecting yourself.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 16/09/2017 08:50

Well what was the row about? Work or personal? Was it physical or abusive? It's obviously something big to cause all this. You also were warned once not to approach him about it and you did. Ask your immediate boss if there is something going on grievance wise and don't speak to the guy again.

Cupoteap · 16/09/2017 08:50

Do not try and. Intact him again

Personally I think he's tried to blame you for him. Ring off sick in some way. Speak to hr

Butterandsugar · 16/09/2017 08:50

You'll need to give him a wide berth for now and go directly to the manager and HR. Personally I'd email the manager with HR cc'd in to explain your confusion and ask for clarification. It seems a bit odd that you haven't been contacted and asked not to speak to him.
Was the argument of a personal nature or about work?

Finola1step · 16/09/2017 08:50

Stop communicating with him. Go straight to your manager or HR. Over the weekend, write up everything you can remember that may be pertinent to the fall out and after so that your thoughts are clear. Focus on protecting yourself.

SouthWestmom · 16/09/2017 08:51

Either

A) his manager has advised him to just stay away from you because he has an issue that isn't anything more than a personality clash/ Personal dislike/ different working styles and he is reporting the advice to you in a slightly officious way. I.e. There's no disciplinary issue.

B) there is some kind of issue that may be investigated - to be fair they shouldn't be letting on to him but not you.

Pengggwn · 16/09/2017 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step · 16/09/2017 08:51

Oops. Apologies for the double post.

justkeeponsmiling · 16/09/2017 08:52

Much more detail needed here, from what you said this seems like a totally bizarre situation.

ButchyRestingFace · 16/09/2017 08:53

It is impossible to comment without knowing what happened on the night out.

Was physical violence/threats/verbal abuse involved?

Notthatwittyreally · 16/09/2017 08:53

I don't think he's reported anything to HR. I think he's mentioned it to his boss who is probably his friend and they're covering themselves in case anything pops up so if HR is involved at a later date they have a paper trail of trying to deal with it in house as it were. Do not contact him again. What happened?

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 08:54

Well obviously whatever happened on the night out was big enough for him to want ti keep away from you.

Speak to you boss or HR. But keep away from him. He has asked you several times and you arent doing it. Its going to end up with being accussed of harrassment.

Gemini69 · 16/09/2017 08:54

he sounds like a complete DICK ...

get yourself to HR fast and defend yourself Flowers

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