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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

303 replies

grimmm · 16/09/2017 08:37

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/09/2017 08:56

Im surprised you haven't already asked your manager whether they know what this is about.

lionsleepstonight · 16/09/2017 08:56

Four things from me. Collegue asked you not to contact them and you then did, twice. Why?

Also, if you were meant to not contact each other why have you not been told this officially?

What on earth was the row about/what actions prior to the row?

Why on earth have you not contacted your HR team?

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 16/09/2017 08:57

As it was outside work, they cannot involved HR, unless you brought the work place into disrespect.

I don't think he's repoerted you to HR, I'd ask for clarity, and if nothing report him for being unprofessional in the working environment.

Viviennemary · 16/09/2017 08:58

Absolutely do not e-mail him or confront him again about this issue. But it is worrying and I'd hate this. If he hasn't reported it to HR or to anyone else but his own boss then maybe it's best if you don't say anything either. Why involve your Boss if there is no need. It is difficult to comment without knowing how serious the situation was on the night out.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 08:58

You're not giving us the full story are you OP!

I agree.

Gemini69 · 16/09/2017 08:59

I agree too.... we need all the FACTS OP Flowers

alltouchedout · 16/09/2017 08:59

I'd ask HR or management what the heck was going on.

MouseholeCat · 16/09/2017 09:01

Why was your former relationship with him that emotive? and what were you saying to him to provoke that reaction?

It didn't come out of nowhere, and I'd hazard a guess that one of you overstepped a line either personally (e.g. taking the friendship further) or professionally (e.g. using your friendship to garner favours or influence in the office).

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 09:02

I dont believe for a second you have no idea what its about.

Or are you saying that you were thatvdrunk you dont know what happened that led up to the comment from him.

OnionKnight · 16/09/2017 09:02

The full story would be helpful.

In the meantime stop contacting him.

NerrSnerr · 16/09/2017 09:04

No one can offer advice unless you tell us the whole story. What happened on the night out?

dolcezza99 · 16/09/2017 09:04

Well, if you weren't so unprofessional as to be drunk around your work colleagues none of this would have happened in the first place, would it? Why on earth do people find it so hard to control themselves?

Miserylovescompany2 · 16/09/2017 09:04

What did you do/say to provoke such a response? Two weeks later you are still no further forward - actually - a few steps back as you've continued to contact a person who's specifically asked you not to...

If he did report straight to HR - why haven't you been called in?

ptumbi · 16/09/2017 09:05

It sounds like he threw his weight around when drunk, told you he'd have your job...
Then sobered up, found he couldn't do a damn thing, and has distanced himself as much as possible - week sick, then avoiding you, not communicating, then telling you he's 'been told' to stay away...

He's hoping you don't remember he threatened to take you job - because he CAN'T.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2017 09:05

Quite the tease, aintcha ?

pieceofpurplesky · 16/09/2017 09:06

Nobody can advise you OP without more detail

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 09:06

It sounds like he threw his weight around when drunk, told you he'd have your job

You know that how exactly?

WillowWeeping · 16/09/2017 09:08

Why haven't you arranged a meeting with his boss and/or HR already?

Do so , confine yourselves to the facts and say "x is ignoring me and has told me this in on your advice. Please tell me what's going on?"

Gazelda · 16/09/2017 09:09

So the Saturday night incident happened 4 weeks ago? But you've not been spoken to by senior management or HR at work? I suspect they are trying to avoid a 'he said, she said' situation while still being supportive of a senior staff member (former friend) who appears to have or still be suffering with health issues.
Of course, my comments are only based on what you've posted. It could all be very different depending if you reveal the cause of the argument and if there are any other related issues.

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 09:09

ptumbi

If we are making stories up. I bet the op made a pass at him and when he knocked her back she threatened to tell everyone at work and is OH that they have been having an affair and shagged in the office stationary cupboard. She told him she would make sure he wa ssacked and his OH dumped him.

Or maybe not. But my story makes about as much sense as yours.

Notreallyarsed · 16/09/2017 09:09

I'm starting to wonder what you did that provoked such an extreme reaction OP.

Either:

  1. he's being a dick and trying to cause trouble for you

Or

  1. you did something absolutely appalling which you don't want to admit on here and are now shitting yourself because you know he can get you into a lot of trouble.
dolcezza99 · 16/09/2017 09:10

It sounds like he threw his weight around when drunk, told you he'd have your job

You know that how exactly?

Exactly. You don't know that. Sounds to me more like the OP made a drunken pass at him, hence why she's not giving us the full story and why he's been advised not to have contact with her.

burnoutbabe · 16/09/2017 09:10

do you need to talk to this person as part of your job? if yes, then you need to ask your boss how you deal with work issue XYZ as you have been told you can not contact this colleague.

Its either an official "YOU MUST NOT SPEAK TO XYZ", in which case you need to be told officially by boss/HR, or he needs to suck it up and speak to you about work matters, like we all do with a colleague we don't do.

ButchyRestingFace · 16/09/2017 09:10

You know that how exactly?

To be fair, she prefaced her response with "it sounds like".

And I'd tend to agree with her, btw, where it not for the fact:

  • OP was elusive about what the argument was about
  • OP persisted in contacting the bloke despite being told not to
  • OP did not approach HR herself to clarify matters
  • OP has disappeared

**

Crunchymum · 16/09/2017 09:12

I have a feeling this is going to be a 'drip, drip, drip' thread