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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

303 replies

grimmm · 16/09/2017 08:37

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 16/09/2017 10:21

He has thrown his toys out of the pram

He isn't getting what he wanted and now is going to make you pay which he can't but he knows you are worried and that enough

Stay away you have had a lucky escape

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 10:21

Op if you believe he has a baseless complaint about you, why have you not gone to HR or your boss before now?

The problem with work friends is that it can quickly become a work issue. As it has here.

It impossible for us to say who, if anyone is at fault here.

What is clear is that you are ignoring his requests to leave him alone. If you dont stop, you will be the one in the wrong.

You maybe be hurt. But if you were that drunk that you didnt know what was going on or missing huge parts of it, you possible did something that hurt him.

You must have been hammered or are purposely leaving huge parts out of your explanation.

NoSquirrels · 16/09/2017 10:22

Please someone enlighten me as to the important detail everyone thinks Im leaving out

What EXACTLY happened to lead to him telling you you "lost the plot"?

Why did you meet up with him after separate nights out, if there was nothing more than friends going on?

What happened EXACTLY when you met up- how, where, when, what?

gamerwidow · 16/09/2017 10:23

He obviously feels more for you than you do for him but you do sound like your messing about with his feelings.
As I understand it the day after you turned down a relationship with him your drunk texting him asking to meet up with you?
Have I misunderstood? If not it sounds like you're enjoying the attention of having him dangling.
Nothing wrong at all with saying no to a man but you're not keeping your boundaries very clear.

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 10:23

He isn't getting what he wanted and now is going to make you pay which he can't but he knows you are worried and that enough

Thats not clear though. At one point op says he wants a relationship with ger. Then that he wants ine with someone else.

Op has also not explained her part of the argument on the night.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 10:24

And although you've been told not to have any contact with him, this has only come from him. You haven't been told this by his manager, your manager, or the managers' managers?

Everyone has a right to be asked not to be contacted.

OP what exactly did you say. That is what is missing from your story.

What exactly did you same to him when you were drunk? It's that which is missing.

If you were too drunk to remember, which I doubt because you admit to texting him straight away.

You are only saying what he said not you

Tinty · 16/09/2017 10:24

Nosquirrels has it I think.

Unless you had sex with him and then let told him you weren't interested in a relationship with him. Is it this?

How drunk were you? Do you remember everything you did?

AppleBosom · 16/09/2017 10:24

there is more to it and op is holding back. are your hands completely clean then op?

anyway we can't resolve the issue for you you need to leave him alone as others have said.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2017 10:25

I think everybody is still drunk

PacificDogwod · 16/09/2017 10:26

AF, I wish Grin

Weloveoptimus · 16/09/2017 10:26

This is bloody hard work.

Original poster
grimmm · 16/09/2017 10:29

I asked him repeatedly if he was ok. Hes not a drinker but he was drunk and upset and I was worried for him. We talked about we had agreed before there wont be an 'us'- I thought it wasnt a big deal.

OP posts:
keeponworking · 16/09/2017 10:31

Exactly - OP - you HAVEN'T given us the full skinny on this, just the bits you want us to hear in a very vague and generalised way.

It's not just me saying this, clearly, most people on here want to know the full, unabridged details (which many of us think we haven't had yet). Any responses you've had are based on a best guess of what we think might have happened because, frankly, we really don't know what did.

You know, your responses are leading me (personally, I can speak for no one else) to say that you are coming across, er, as a bit unhinged!

NoSquirrels · 16/09/2017 10:31

Day 1: you tell him no relationship (that he wants)

Day 2: you call him before a night out. He is drunk (unusual for him). You call him after a night out and arrange to meet up. Why? (Because it was for sex? Because he was drunk & you were worried? Why?) What happens next? Is he extremely drunk? Where do you go/do/how do you get home?

There's a lot of possible explanations.

Perhaps he's an alcoholic- has been sober for ages, your rejection tipped him into drinking, 3-day bender lands in hospital etc and boss says "no contact" with you to protect his sobriety?

Perhaps you disclosed something whilst drunk that will affect your employment- something you've done no shouldn't have?

Perhaps he's just emotionally stunted and a bit of a dick, or perhaps he's genuinely heartbroken?

Who knows? None of us, for sure!

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/09/2017 10:32

I think he's got the hump and is bluffing about being warned off by a manager etc
Stop contacting him or worrying about him, he's self protecting and licking his ego

I wouldn't give it another though, maybe even get another job op 💐

Gazelda · 16/09/2017 10:32

"Dear HR. This is a bit awkward, but I need to clarify something that is causing tension at work. XF and I had a falling out recently, outside of work. Since then, he's said that he's been told to tell me to not talk to him or contact him. Is this correct and an official workplace instruction? If so, please advise and I will lol of course comply. He also indicated that there is an official complaint/grievance against me. Again, can you please confirm? I realise XF is having a difficult time at the moment, but I want to avoid my name being muddied without the opportunity to refute any complaints against me.Thanks"

Liiinoo · 16/09/2017 10:32

You are leaving so much out OP. Did he make a pass at you - did you make a pass at him - did you use illegal substances in front of him - or steal something - make an embarrassing confession of some sort? Unless we have some idea of context we have no idea what to suggest. Whatever has happened he seems to be very troubled by it

In the absence of any real idea of what is going on I suggest you ask your line manager to talk to his and find out whether this situation is likely to have an adverse effect on your position. And don't contact your ex-friend in any way at all.

Mustang27 · 16/09/2017 10:33

Yep don't approach again and take it up with HR and your manager. It's all a bit petty. Obviously he has had more feeling for you than he has let on and was hoping If he bided his time you would fall for him too.

BananasAreGood · 16/09/2017 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abacuss · 16/09/2017 10:33

Was your argument broadly about...

  1. racism
  2. sexism or LGBT stuff or rape
  3. disabled people
  4. religion
  5. sports
  6. politics
  7. work stuff
  8. your personal relationship
  9. drugs or drink or something
  10. a terrible dark secret

Did you shout at him? Hit him? Do something you're horrified about in retrospect?

None of us know you, but if you're that worried about revealing details here, tbh I'd get the thread deleted anyway in case there is an upcoming legal battle of some sort.

Gazelda's message is good.

RebelRogue · 16/09/2017 10:34

Still not getting it,the timeline and events make no sense.

Either way,talk to HR to cover your back and respect his wishes and don't contact him anymore,unless really necessary for work.

ShowOfHands · 16/09/2017 10:34

Please someone enlighten me as to the important detail everyone thinks Im leaving out

You're leaving out the order, sense and logic.

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 10:36

So a man who expressed he wanted a relationship with you, but also holds a flame for someone else was on a night out, the day after this conversation.

You were on a night out. Both drinking. You decide it would be a good idea to meet uo with this man when both drunk, alone. Despite knowing he wants a relationship with you and continue, while drunk, the converstation that says you are interested.

These leads to him not wanting to speak to you and you keeo contacting him. He hssnt said he has put in a complaint but has spoken to someone who advised he stayed away.

But you are sure of the detailed because you were drunk.

Sounds like he is upset you wont date him.

Or he thinks you keep saying no put then leading him on. He wants to break contact and wont have it.

Or you did something you cant recall.

In any of these situations. The friendship is dead. Whoever he has spoken to has given him good advice, regardless of the situation. Remove himself from you and the friendship. For the sake of his job at the very least.

Liiinoo · 16/09/2017 10:36

Just found the bit I missed. He sounds deranged, if his boss has told him not to speak to you it's because his behaviour towards you could be construed as sexual harassment and he has been instructed to back off before you make a complaint about him.

Keep well away from him. He wasn't the friend you thought he was.

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 10:37

Sorry that should say not interested at then of the first paragraph.