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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

303 replies

grimmm · 16/09/2017 08:37

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 10:01

You still haven't said what happened!

Notreallyarsed · 16/09/2017 10:01

If it was all outside work/work night out he has no reason to involve HR. You, however, do, given his behaviour in work.

MrLovebucket · 16/09/2017 10:01

So you were very drunk and don't really remember what went on?

He's gone off sick for a week because of what happened?

Did you shit in his pocket or something?

Booboobooboo84 · 16/09/2017 10:02

Yeah the first port of call of someone says I've been advised by my boss to not talk to you is to then talk to their boss.

flumpybear · 16/09/2017 10:03

Have you don't anything which could make you lose your job? Doesn't sound like it? Is he having a huff because you turned him down?

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2017 10:03

You are friends and have been emotionally close. You were both drunk and he said he wants a relationship with you and you said no, just friends. And he went strange and then went off sick. Is it this?

Nellyphants · 16/09/2017 10:03

Why did he say you'll lose your job? You haven't said

flumpybear · 16/09/2017 10:04

Can you imagine HR

I want to complain about my friend, she turned me down, we're both single but she wants
Someone else - I want her fired for gross misconduct

HR call the men in white coats, we've got a live one here Hmm

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2017 10:05

BTW when someone at work tells you they have been advised by HR to have no contact with you, you don't keep pestering them and you talk to your manager/HR. There is every possibility he has made (false?) allegations about you and your own actions have compromised your situation.

Mary1935 · 16/09/2017 10:06

He's bull shitting you. Carry on as normal - HR would have contacted you by now - please ignore him.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 16/09/2017 10:07

So let me get this straight - he (really, really) wants a relationship with you, you just want to be friends. When this came up and you told him so (again) he turned against you. You were both drunk to some extent. He has then threatened you over your job because you won't do as he wants, ie get into a relationship with him. Is that right?

And although you've been told not to have any contact with him, this has only come from him. You haven't been told this by his manager, your manager, or the managers' managers?

In which case you put in a complaint of your own to HR about his behaviour. He's bringing personal issues and feelings into the workplace which have nothing to do with your job and is in fact abusing his senior position to make threats.

Make a note of everything that happened that night, in as much detail as you can, then start to make notes on his behaviour each day from now on. Build your case to present to HR and take it from there.

(If it's a small company and there isn't an HR department, take it to your manager.)

wtffgs · 16/09/2017 10:08

Well, if you weren't so unprofessional as to be drunk around your work colleagues none of this would have happened in the first place, would it? Why on earth do people find it so hard to control themselves?

Really Hmm

And today's winner of the most pointless and unhelpful post is ....

Pengggwn · 16/09/2017 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrLovebucket · 16/09/2017 10:08

It's possible he's told his boss that you are stalking or harassing him in order to try and get rid of you. If you've hurt his feelings by rejecting him then I guess that could be the case.

I'd speak to HR/his boss and find out exactly what you've been accused of. Unfortunately you are on rocky ground because you were too drunk to remember what happened. Your version of events is unlikely to be given much credence under those circumstances.

butterfly56 · 16/09/2017 10:09

From what you have said...
He wanted a relationship with you and you have said no and he's really pissed with you about the whole thing.
The fact that he's behaving like an arse is more his problem at not being able to handle rejection.

If he's causing problems for you at work it shows a level of emotional instability and manipulation on his part and he's now on a mission to make your life a misery one way or the other.

There's nothing normal about his behaviour. Unfortunately he does not seem that nice a guy if he can flip from nice to nasty if things don't go his way.

Best to have absolutely no contact with him if possible.

PacificDogwod · 16/09/2017 10:11

Surely if he is bullshitting you, a quick enquire to HR about whether there are any problems would reassured you? AND give you the opportunity to a. defend yourself if he has made accusations or b. tell them that he has been threatening you.

I'd also like to know what happened during that drunken encounter tbh.

Alcohol causes problems for all sorts of reasons, well before there is any kind of addiction problem going on.

NoSquirrels · 16/09/2017 10:12

If you're squeaky clean and there no more to it, then you need to approach HR/management and explain there is a situation with colleague which is very difficult, please can they shed light on why he has been advised "not to talk to you".

If what has actually happened is: colleague has a MASSIVE crush on you, bigger than you realise, has supported you through a horrible time, has genuinely convinced himself you are THE ONE , you have arranged to meet him after a night out you're both on separately (booty call?), he thinks "This is it!", you turn him down, he is crushed and unable to handle finality of it (week off sick with stress), boss knows why and has advised him "don't contact her" i.e. colleague distressed enough by your rejection to need a week off sick = best for him to put you out if his mind.

Then it's a case of broken heart not employment law. Boss has advised him on a personal level to stay away from you, not because there's a disciplinary on the cards.

You'll not be friends with him again - he didn't want to be your friend, he wanted to be your boyfriend. Any other crush was a smokescreen.

OR

you've done something terrible. Did you?

Original poster
grimmm · 16/09/2017 10:12

He wasnt just "someone at work" he was a really good friend. I dont consider I pestered him, over a couple of weeks I have asked him twice- what is all this about? No answers. I have resolved to take the HR route- I havent done anything Im ashamed of but have avoided it this far because HR is a headache, and embarassing and will mean gossip. It hurts that hes done this- does that sound unhinged?Blush

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 16/09/2017 10:13

NoSquirrels, I think you've got it.

Although I also liked this: Did you shit in his pocket or something? Grin

keeponworking · 16/09/2017 10:14

And once again no clear and transparent explanation of what you did OP..... because I think there's more to it.

A v detailed chronological statement of events might help us all.

Rhubarbie · 16/09/2017 10:17

Maybe explain to HR about what he has said to you and to ask what's going on? Please can they explain as you have no idea.

Original poster
grimmm · 16/09/2017 10:19

Keeponworking

What are you waiting to hear? Please someone enlighten me as to the important detail everyone thinks Im leaving out

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/09/2017 10:20

Why can you not give a straight answer of what actually happened?

Witsender · 16/09/2017 10:20

It sounds like he doesn't handle rejection well hey.

WorraLiberty · 16/09/2017 10:20

Blimey, this is like pulling teeth.