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AIBU?

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Original poster

Like newly weds with a newborn...jealous?!?

153 replies

Misstomrs · 14/09/2017 22:27

One of my closest friends recently told me that her relationship with her husband was like newly weds after her DD was born. He was kind, considerate, offering to do things for her, did all the night feeds 10pm - 5am so she could sleep. It made them completely loved up to see how much they loved their DD.
My husband really struggled when our DS was born. I had a horrific birth and was in hospital for over a week with various things. At one point the midwife came and instructed my husband to take my son away for a few hours so I could rest. He refused. If he couldn't rest, then why should I. Where we got home he would not be alone with our DS. Wouldn't care for him without me there. If I asked him to do something he would say he needed the loo so would need me to be quick with shower etc. He has had counselling and there is no denying he has been patient with me physically as I have had major issues which I have posted about elsewhere. Normally my husband is he most considerate man so this was a completely unexpected situation and one I have really struggled with.
My friend is now planning a second pregnancy (our first were unexpectedly at the same time) and I feel bereft that because of how my husband behaved, in part, I don't feel able to even consider having another child. It was just so awful.
AIBU To think having a new baby isn't like being newlyweds for most people?

OP posts:
BuntyCollocks · 14/09/2017 22:30

I certainly wouldn't have another child with a man who behaved so appaulingly with your first. I'm actually gobsmacked he refused to allow you to rest and went against your Midwife.

What a twat.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 14/09/2017 22:33

My question is how and why are you still with such a horrible man?

Silverthorn · 14/09/2017 22:34

Well not like newly weds per say, but definately brought another level to our longstanding relationship. Sounds like your dh was a bit selfish. Do you think he was tramatised himself watching your traumatic labour? How is he now with your son?

TallulahTwin · 14/09/2017 22:35

He sounds like a total arse. I definitely would not even consider having another child with him.

Silverthorn · 14/09/2017 22:35

Offering the benefit of doubt here.

IskraTG · 14/09/2017 22:35

Sorry OP. Newlyweds is a bit strong but my DH cooked, carried, cleaned, hosted, spent all the time he could with the baby, bath, pushed the pram, played, was very affectionate with the children and cared for me too.

Did your husband ever improve his behaviour?

beepbeeprichie · 14/09/2017 22:37

Hmm not like newly weds as such but my OH made it very clear that he was incredibly proud of me and grateful for our DC and kind of in awe of it all and what I had "grown". I felt very appreciated and empowered, which was lovely considering I didn't have a clue what I was doing and was scared I was going to break the baby. So maybe in terms of taking the relationship to a different level then I suppose yes.

haveacupoftea · 14/09/2017 22:38

Mine was in the middle really. He helped around the house while we were in the newborn period, took baby downstairs for a few hours when I was really struggling so I could sleep, bought in anything we needed. But we weren't like newlyweds.

Original poster
Misstomrs · 14/09/2017 22:38

My husband knew his behaviour wasn't right, sought counselling and has improved hugely. But it did take time. He was traumatised by what happened and really struggled with it. He's not a bad man. I'm sorry if the way I have described him makes him sound that way. He was a man who, unexpectedly, struggled. I have no doubt at all that he loves me.

OP posts:
welshgirlwannabe · 14/09/2017 22:39

It's not like being newlyweds (I imagine. Not married) but having a baby has deepened my love, appreciation, fondness and affection for my dp.

Newlyweds probably have loads of sleep, sex, and couple time. New parents are not known for getting any of that!! But the experience can bring you closer.

I'm sorry your husband was so horrible after the birth of your baby. Has he wver said why? Is he able to parent his child now, or are the issues still present?

You sound very forgiving. He is lucky

Blink1982 · 14/09/2017 22:40

We argued a lot... over who got more sleep or who should help with what but he really stepped up with doing more cleaning and cooking etc. I wouldn't say newlyweds. No newlyweds argue over sleep do they?

I have read that men are crap with babies till they are a bit older. Perhaps that's why your do was a useless arse. Is he any better now?

whyismykid · 14/09/2017 22:41

So sorry op, what an awful experience you have had. I think yabu though, from what I have seen with friends and family, your DH's behaviour is not very common.

My experience with both babies was much like your friends - my DH was completely besotted, and very proud and protective of me for getting through difficult labour. And completely in love with both babies, keen to let me rest when I needed it even if he had done a full day at work. It's very hard work, the sleep deprivation is grim and we definitely didn't get on well all the time, but generally I felt loved and appreciated. I wish you had had the same

RefuseTheLies · 14/09/2017 22:41

My DH and I were lucky to make it through the newborn stage alive. We were exhausted, mostly shouted and snapped at one another because of sleep deprivation and we both spent a lot of time on the verge of tears (our DD was a screamer due to colic and reflux).

Having said all that, we were a team and we went through all the shit bits together. Your DH's behaviour sounds very selfish and odd and I'd not have put up with it or him for very long.

53rdWay · 14/09/2017 22:42

Have you ever sought counselling to deal with the impact of his behaviour on you? That sounds pretty upsetting to be on the receiving end of, especially if it's totally out of character for him, and it's clearly still bothering you (and I do t blame you!)

Voice0fReason · 14/09/2017 22:46

Your DH's reaction was not normal or healthy - I'm glad he sought help.
I don't think it is helping you to focus on your friend's relationship, it's just highlighting the holes in yours.

In a healthy relationship, both people work together and support each other. After having a baby, a lot more love and support is needed.

minipie · 14/09/2017 22:51

Our experience was somewhere in the middle but much, much closer to your friend's than yours. We had a traumatic time (prem baby with various suspected problems who then didn't sleep or feed well) and if my DH had behaved like yours I can't see how we'd still be together as I would hate him.

Outnotdown · 14/09/2017 22:52

My husband was also traumatized during the birth of our first and had a full on proper breakdown afterwards. So I ended up doling out anti psychotics and xanax for a while after, before my flipping stitches had even healed. Was AWFUL! He improved, swiftly and dramatically, and we now have four children. He was fine after the births of the next three. Being present at the birth can trigger all sorts, and fair play to your partner for seeking counselling. Would be lovely to have an idyllic experience after giving birth but can't have everything, unfortunately

LadyDeadpool · 14/09/2017 22:53

Miss It sounds like he was suffering PND and has done everything right since then by seeking counselling, don't let it stop you considering a second baby just take the time out to discuss your fears with him.

Flyinggeese · 14/09/2017 22:56

OP he doesn't sound like a bad man at all! He was traumatised as you say. It sounds like you both had a bit of a bumpy start. I hope everything is much better now.

Newlywed-type situation is not the norm I don't think! Lucky buggers! It sounds fantastic for them, but not realistic to expect for most.

WaxOnFeckOff · 14/09/2017 23:11

He's not a bad man. I'm sorry if the way I have described him makes him sound that way.

I think I must have been reading a different OP from everyone else. I don't think what you described came across that way at all.

My instant reaction to your post was that he was frightened of having the baby to look after and traumatised by the birth too. Not excusing him or belittling your own circumstances and he should have put that to the back of his mind and concentrated on helping and supporting you. But, it didn't come across as someone who was being an arse for the sake of it.

I think the lovey dovey newly weds thing is probably the exception rather than the rule tbh.

No two births or experiences are the same and I think it's unlikely that you would face the same scenario if you were to have another child given that your DH is in a different place to where he was then. However, you do need to stop comparing yourself to others and also understand that what happens behind closed doors may be different from the what people tell you and also what you experience in their company.

DearMrDilkington · 14/09/2017 23:14

Your husband is an absolute disgrace and I'm furious reading how he acted.

Why are you still with the selfish pig?

Nuttynoo · 14/09/2017 23:18

If you almost died, and he had to watch it, then he might have some kind of ptsd. My brother needed diazepam for a year after sil went through a similar ordeal and he really struggled to bond wih dn.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 14/09/2017 23:19

Do you think he may have had a form of PTSD? Did he think at any stage that your life or the baby's life might be in danger? My H had a serious incident that I witnessed, he didn't die but I thought at the time that he was going to. I couldn't look at his face for several weeks afterwards, I was irrationally afraid that his face would look as though it was decaying, as if he had died but was still walking around. Shock and fear does odd things to the mind.

Holz657 · 14/09/2017 23:25

My boyfriend was my rock when our son was born. He did everything while I fed him. I feel for you, your oh sounds useless to be honest. I'd be more concerned about that rather than your friends relationship

Sprinklestar · 14/09/2017 23:26

I'm on the fence here. The woman does all the hard work, and the man can't cope? Really? There are some who'd say he was just attention seeking...